Name calling...

[Vicissa]

I posted this in WD, but I also wanted to get some male perspective on this situation

This has been an ongoing struggle with me, and once again it rears its ugly head.

My hubby has an anger problem and the last past two days, we've been really going at it because of the things that come out of his mouth.

The situation was that he hasn't been getting paid timely for work he's been doing, so he was saying how he was going to beat the guy up. I told him that he needs to think about what he's doing and if that would better his situation. He starts to yell at me about how he needs his money, etc. and I tell him to stop yelling. I get told to *f* off. So we've been fighting the last two days about his language, which he can refrain from using when he's with certain friends, but refuses to do so in front of the kids and I, about going home and how much he hates the idea.

Today he went off on me again and called me a dumb*** because I enrolled the kids in school back in MI a few weeks back. He knew about that but today I was updating him on their place on the list. He's like, "How're you going to do that you ________, we don't need pressure for doing it in a certain amount of time too!" I didn't say anything about time, and that they were on the waiting list was nothing new so I didn't understand the outburst.

He's angry because I'm happy to be going back to MI, and he hates it. He's angry that he's tried to do things the nice way and it doesn't work. He's angry that I've always missed home since I've been here. He's angry all the time and it's tiring. I love this man to death, and I honor my commitment but I just don't know how we'll make it through with this anger poisoning everything. I need to be able to broach sensitive subjects with him without him either pushing me away or attacking me.

He won't do counseling, so that's out of the question. I'm just so irritated right now.

 

[Bunnaroo]

This qualifies as a "sensitive subject." The only reason I'm answering is because I have been the husband that was mistreating his wife. What I'm writing here is based on my own experience, which has been confirmed by counseling and professional research.

Amx (my wife of almost 15 years) and I have agreed on this definition of submission to one's husband:
To do all within one's power to encourage him to take the leadership in the marriage.
This means that you have to hold his feet to the fire if he chooses not to accept his role as leader. It means enforcing the boundaries when he's out of line. It means not putting up with his adolescent behavior, and encouraging him to be more mature in his dealings with you and the kids.

The use of foul language is a mark of a lower class. Since he can express himself without profanity, it is reasonable to expect him to do so. There is also no reason he should be allowed to call you anything negative. Name calling, as I see it, is a form of violence. "Violence," as Isaac Asimov wrote,"is the refuge of the incompetent."

I understand that he's mad about not being paid. That's an insult to the one who's earned the money. There is an instinctive need in a man to feel useful, and being unemployed, underemployed, or not being paid for one's work trashes a man's self image. However, a bad self-image does not grant one the right to abuse one's family.