nagging because she doesn't listen

[seangoh]

Hi there, i'm engaged and getting married soon. Anyway i just want to get to the point and it's the reason why i came back to CF after so many months/years. We quarrel quite often maybe once a week. And i realise the reason why that happens is because she doesn't listen and i nag/criticise, and she gets upset. It's almost like a vicious cycle and i recognise that. For example, i wish she would listen to me when i tell her to be careful not to drop anything when she eats in my room which i've cleaned in the morning. She hears that and tried to be careful, of which i didn't notice because i was doing something on my computer. After dinner, she brought up something to eat in my room again and i reminded her to be careful. She was eating a piece of bread and some crumbs was on her fingers and she just rubbed her fingers together and i saw some crumbs fall to the floor. I told her gently that some crumbs dropped to the floor. She didn't seem to hear me and finished the bread and then rubbed her fingers over her other hand, which was fine, but then went on to rub both palms on her skirt which made crumbs fall to the floor. I had expected her to just walk to the bathroom to wash her hands. This kind of things just makes me crazy because she doesn't listen to me no matter how many times it happens. And whenever i tell her gently she doesn't listen. And when i keep nagging, she gets upset after a while. Please tell me what to do....what i gave is just an example, there are other examples like opening car doors. She opens the car door to the widest and i tell her she doesn't need to do that..what if the door were to hit something that is closer than she thinks? She is careful this time, but the next time, she is back to her old self and i nag again....help.....

 

[JaneFW]

Hi there, i'm engaged and getting married soon. Anyway i just want to get to the point and it's the reason why i came back to CF after so many months/years. We quarrel quite often maybe once a week. And i realise the reason why that happens is because she doesn't listen and i nag/criticise, and she gets upset. It's almost like a vicious cycle and i recognise that. For example, i wish she would listen to me when i tell her to be careful not to drop anything when she eats in my room which i've cleaned in the morning. She hears that and tried to be careful, of which i didn't notice because i was doing something on my computer. After dinner, she brought up something to eat in my room again and i reminded her to be careful. She was eating a piece of bread and some crumbs was on her fingers and she just rubbed her fingers together and i saw some crumbs fall to the floor. I told her gently that some crumbs dropped to the floor. She didn't seem to hear me and finished the bread and then rubbed her fingers over her other hand, which was fine, but then went on to rub both palms on her skirt which made crumbs fall to the floor. I had expected her to just walk to the bathroom to wash her hands. This kind of things just makes me crazy because she doesn't listen to me no matter how many times it happens. And whenever i tell her gently she doesn't listen. And when i keep nagging, she gets upset after a while. Please tell me what to do....what i gave is just an example, there are other examples like opening car doors. She opens the car door to the widest and i tell her she doesn't need to do that..what if the door were to hit something that is closer than she thinks? She is careful this time, but the next time, she is back to her old self and i nag again....help.....

Wow.

I'm sorry but dropping crumbs on the floor is not a major personality flaw and nor is opening the car door "too wide". If you are this controlling all the time, I'm very afraid for your future wife.

 

[citizenthom]

It's easy to interpret little behaviors like that as "not listening." It's just as likely "doesn't notice." I assume your fiancee is about the same age as you. The longer you live single, the more entrenched you become in your own habits, and the harder it is to change them even when you know they displease your spouse. You say she WAS trying to be more neat, for instance, but she doesn't even seem to notice some of her sloppy behavior.

You're going to have to have a little--maybe even a lot--more "give" about those little habits if your marriage is going to succeed, period. You're going to have to decide whether a few crumbs on the floor are worth a fight every week, or whether you care more about how wide she opens the car door or having harmony in your household. You're going to have to accept incremental change in these little areas, if any.

Are there other, more serious areas where you feel she does not listen to you or respect you? Is this just a problem with her little habits or a truly overarching issue?

 

[Created2Write]

I agree with Jane and Thom. Crumbs and car doors are not this serious. If there are more serious examples, please provide them, because based on your OP, you sound like you're whining. If she drops crumbs, just leave them until the next time you clean. It's not that big of a deal. And, trust me, once you're married, and you get home from work and you'd rather have sex than do the dishes, sometimes your home will get messy. And that's okay! Just have sex, clean the house later, and move on. Don't let it control your life, cause I guarantee you that no women wants to live with a man who's that controlling.

 

[dreamer82]

Stop nagging about such meaningless issues. You are her partner, not her father! She is an adult, not a child, and she just has different habits and different priorities. It doesn't mean you're right and she's wrong. You need to be more permissive and graceful with her. Honestly, I don't blame her for reacting, the nitpicking would drive me crazy too. Try to remember to pick your battles. There are far bigger issues you could be dealing with, so count your blessings!

 

[Romanseight2005]

It sounds like you may have OCD. You can get help for this. You won't be able to marry anyone if you don't stop obsessing about such minor things. It will definitely kill the relationship.

 

[dreamer82]

It sounds like you may have OCD. You can get help for this. You won't be able to marry anyone if you don't stop obsessing about such minor things. It will definitely kill the relationship.

Yeah, I was thinking this too. My husband has OCD as does my sister and both have gone through CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which has helped them both a ton. Thank goodness, because catering to it (my husband's OCD) was having a very negative effect on our relationship!

 

[Romanseight2005]

Yeah, I was thinking this too. My husband has OCD as does my sister and both have gone through CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which has helped them both a ton. Thank goodness, because catering to it (my husband's OCD) was having a very negative effect on our relationship!

That's wonderful that the cbt helped! It can definitely be a strain on a relationship. Btw, did you ever see the Matchstick Men?

 

[dreamer82]

Yup, I remember I really liked it! Haven't seen it in years though. Might appreciate it more now.

 

[waxlion10]

It sounds like you may have OCD. You can get help for this. You won't be able to marry anyone if you don't stop obsessing about such minor things. It will definitely kill the relationship.

This. It sounds like you should get some help. I think the issue isn't with her and perhaps lies with you.

 

[citizenthom]

Folks, not liking crumbs on the floor =/= OCD: it means you value cleanliness. Most people do not like food in their carpets. Notice he didn't say anything about, say, not being able to focus on any other tasks until he cleaned it up, or constantly cleaning the carpet, or anything of the sort.

Do those of you with kids not say things to them about cleaning up after themselves? Do you not wipe your baby's mouth after he eats, or clean up after your pets? Does that make you OCD?

Sheesh.The amateur psychologists around here at least need to get a copy of the DSM.

OK, back to the actual thread...

 

[twinserk]

Hi there, i'm engaged and getting married soon. Anyway i just want to get to the point and it's the reason why i came back to CF after so many months/years. We quarrel quite often maybe once a week. And i realise the reason why that happens is because she doesn't listen and i nag/criticise, and she gets upset. It's almost like a vicious cycle and i recognise that. For example, i wish she would listen to me when i tell her to be careful not to drop anything when she eats in my room which i've cleaned in the morning. She hears that and tried to be careful, of which i didn't notice because i was doing something on my computer. After dinner, she brought up something to eat in my room again and i reminded her to be careful. She was eating a piece of bread and some crumbs was on her fingers and she just rubbed her fingers together and i saw some crumbs fall to the floor. I told her gently that some crumbs dropped to the floor. She didn't seem to hear me and finished the bread and then rubbed her fingers over her other hand, which was fine, but then went on to rub both palms on her skirt which made crumbs fall to the floor. I had expected her to just walk to the bathroom to wash her hands. This kind of things just makes me crazy because she doesn't listen to me no matter how many times it happens. And whenever i tell her gently she doesn't listen. And when i keep nagging, she gets upset after a while. Please tell me what to do....what i gave is just an example, there are other examples like opening car doors. She opens the car door to the widest and i tell her she doesn't need to do that..what if the door were to hit something that is closer than she thinks? She is careful this time, but the next time, she is back to her old self and i nag again....help.....

From the examples you gave, I think your being way too picky. Who cares if crumbs the size of a pinhead get on the floor? Just vaccum them up. Who cares if she opens the care door farther than you think is neccessary? If she hits something, those things happen. I'm not saying you shouldn't mention these things to her, but I think you're over reacting a bit. Trivial stuff like this that doesn't really matter has no business messing up your relationship.

 

[blythe_ann]

If a person truly wants to break a habit, it has to be her decision, even in a small thing. Especially in a smaller thing, it'll need deliberately changed by HER. Reminding her gently or not right before it happens isn't the kind of resolve that will break these bad habits. Because, yup, they're bad habits. You can do your best to notice when she does do what you want and let her know you appreciate it.
And then you can start consciously breaking your bad habit of being concerned about these things and nagging/letting them upset you. I know the deeper issue is you don't think she's listening, but it's like her telling you to stop blinking so many times in a minute, it's something you'd have to be completely aware of all the time to change. If you don't break the cycle in yourself too, it'll just get worse.

 

[dreamer82]

No one's trying to make a serious diagnosis here...just acknowledging that something like OCD is a possibility based on the OP's OTT reaction/discomfort when it comes to something out of place as slight to most of us as a few crumbs on the floor. I can't tell you how many spiels I listened to about how my husband just "liked things to be tidy" before it took a psychiatrist to recognize that the problem wasn't that I was a slob (which I'm not), it's that he is overly anxious when it comes to one or two things being out of place. The OP reminded me of that. That's all!

 

[Conservativation]

Tom is right, the rush to pop psych diagnosis is amazing.

the other thing i think people have all utterly missed is that the issue is not crumbs on the carpet. It surprises me that everyone, without exception, jumped ion that minutia when his issue is about her listening. Maybe ask him for other examples? Ask him if this is his ONLY example. That would be a reasonable response, but going at him over preferring clean floors, then going off yet again on an OCD tangent, complete with cognitive therapy advice is amazing.

The man says "she wont listen".....thats the OP

If he wanted to make crumbs the issue he would have said that, "Fiance will not keep floor clean when i ask her"...or so

 

[Conservativation]

No one's trying to make a serious diagnosis here...just acknowledging that something like OCD is a possibility based on the OP's OTT reaction/discomfort when it comes to something out of place as slight to most of us as a few crumbs on the floor. I can't tell you how many spiels I listened to about how my husband just "liked things to be tidy" before it took a psychiatrist to recognize that the problem wasn't that I was a slob (which I'm not), it's that he is overly anxious when it comes to one or two things being out of place. The OP reminded me of that. That's all!

Yea they medicated me for liking a tidy house too. Turns out I was correct, and while I had no choice but to relax on it, with 4 kids etc...its crazy to be so obsessed about it....my wife IS though not a slob, utterly unmoved by clutter. She however will walk through mountains of clutter to windex a spot off a mirror, and a smudge off the stainless steel fridge.

Its not OCD the reality that (maybe its more men who feel this way I dont know) there is a calmness about a place lacking clutter. It takes less than 10 minutes, sometimes less than 5 for me to transform the entire downstairs from seemingly trashed to completely organized. I like organized, and cannot even begin to relate to it not being bothersome.....but as they medicated me with zoloft for my "OCD" and side effects set in I said no more....and just bite my tongue or do it myself. meanwhile over the 12 years since then the hidden clutter has grown to a point where i PRAY people never look in a pantry or closet or cabinet.

There is not something OCD about preferring order. As offensive as they seem these days, those 1950's funny lists about what a wife should do when her husb arrives home from work have one thing in there that reflects this. Forget all the goofy stuff, and forget who does the work....but the fact that when a guy gets home from work he finds respite in order...regardless even if both folks work then both should try and keep the order....but its catharsis to enter an environment that feels you have some tiny degree of control in it.....again, its not OCD

 

[FaithPrevails]

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Thread moved from the Married section main board to the Questions From Singles About Marriage sub-forum

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[FaithPrevails]

Hi there, i'm engaged and getting married soon. Anyway i just want to get to the point and it's the reason why i came back to CF after so many months/years. We quarrel quite often maybe once a week. And i realise the reason why that happens is because she doesn't listen and i nag/criticise, and she gets upset. It's almost like a vicious cycle and i recognise that. For example, i wish she would listen to me when i tell her to be careful not to drop anything when she eats in my room which i've cleaned in the morning. She hears that and tried to be careful, of which i didn't notice because i was doing something on my computer. After dinner, she brought up something to eat in my room again and i reminded her to be careful. She was eating a piece of bread and some crumbs was on her fingers and she just rubbed her fingers together and i saw some crumbs fall to the floor. I told her gently that some crumbs dropped to the floor. She didn't seem to hear me and finished the bread and then rubbed her fingers over her other hand, which was fine, but then went on to rub both palms on her skirt which made crumbs fall to the floor. I had expected her to just walk to the bathroom to wash her hands. This kind of things just makes me crazy because she doesn't listen to me no matter how many times it happens. And whenever i tell her gently she doesn't listen. And when i keep nagging, she gets upset after a while. Please tell me what to do....what i gave is just an example, there are other examples like opening car doors. She opens the car door to the widest and i tell her she doesn't need to do that..what if the door were to hit something that is closer than she thinks? She is careful this time, but the next time, she is back to her old self and i nag again....help.....

The things that you take issue with are relatively minor in the big scheme of things. These are typically the types of things that are overlooked in the courting/early marriage stages b/c we are "so in love" and can be blind to annoying quirks/bad habits our partners exhibit.

But, where this will become problematic for you is when the rubber hits the road in your marriage and you go through trials/tribulations/rough patches. Suddenly, the seemingly minor quirks and habits that were overlooked initially can seem magnified - sometimes to ridiculous extremes.

So, IMO, the fact that relatively minor things like this annoy you so much now - in the early stages of the committed relationship - is a huge red flag that you need to give serious consideration before moving forward with your commitment to marry this woman.

 

[dreamer82]

Tom is right, the rush to pop psych diagnosis is amazing.

the other thing i think people have all utterly missed is that the issue is not crumbs on the carpet. It surprises me that everyone, without exception, jumped ion that minutia when his issue is about her listening. Maybe ask him for other examples? Ask him if this is his ONLY example. That would be a reasonable response, but going at him over preferring clean floors, then going off yet again on an OCD tangent, complete with cognitive therapy advice is amazing.

The man says "she wont listen".....thats the OP

If he wanted to make crumbs the issue he would have said that, "Fiance will not keep floor clean when i ask her"...or so

You really have an issue with all things "pop psych" as you call it, don't you?

I believe someone else did ask for more examples. People are responding to the only information that he's given, and I don't find it strange at all that more people are wierded out by how annoyed he is getting at crumbs on the floor and how she opens her car door than the fact that she "won't listen." Like I said in my first post, he is her partner, not her father, so even if he ISN'T being incredibly nit-picky, which I personally think he is based on the examples he provided, I find the attitude of frustration with her not doing what he wants a little...OTT, I guess. There are simply much more important things to expend energy on in a relationship.

Also, just to clarify, I didn't give CBT "advice." I mentioned that it did wonders for my husband and sister when someone else mentioned OCD. I didn't say "You have OCD, go get some medication and CBT,", nor did any of the other posters. I simply said that his post REMINDED me of certain ppl in my life who have OCD.

Preferring clean floors? Sure! Who of us actually prefers the floors to be dirty and goes around dirtying them on purpose? I think it's safe to say pretty much everyone "prefers" clean floors. But getting annoyed enough with your fiance spilling crumbs on the floor to write to a forum for advice on how to get her to "listen"? The rxn is OTT as I see it.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

In premarital counseling, we were advised that if you tell someone something more than 3 times, you're nagging. If they don't change, it is up to you to decide if you need to change, because they aren't going to. I read as far as "we quarrel once a week" and thought, "run away!" but then I read the rest of the post. I understand where you are coming from ... but ... if you're going to continue being fixated on little things and she's going to continue ignoring your requests then you're both going to keep on fighting and it will get worse when you get married.