Myth Busting Poll - Sexual Compatability

[gengwall]

To others? Or to each other?

The one area that has been a struggle for us (although not a sexual struggle) is my one former love relationship. I've only ever loved two men...my husband was the second. And I met him only 3 weeks after ending my relationship with the first.

In spite of my love for my husband, I still question if that past relationship is something that I can ever truly and completely break the bond from. 10 years into marriage with my husband, I still feel a connection with that other guy. It's not love...it's not a longing to be with him instead (because I most certainly don't)...it's not lust...I have no contact with this guy. But there's most definitely something undeniably there, still connecting me to him.

I'm not sure that I believe in the concept of "soul ties" but I do know that I have not ever been able to escape that bond that I feel to my first love.

My husband and I have talked about it. He doesn't share that same lasting "bond" with his former loves (he's had 2...his highschool girlfriend and his former fiance). I don't know what it is...but yeah, that's been something of a struggle.

I meant in this relationship.

It was this statement of yours that trigger the thought: "I will add that, although I am in no way advocating a sinful lifestyle, I do think that our pre-marital sexual compatibility did far more to strengthen our bond than to damage it." The reason I ask is because I really do believe that God designed sex as a bonding agent unique to marriage. When I hear of bonds like you speak of, I often wonder if they are the kind that God would recognize as "marriage" bonds, with or with out the ceremony. And I wonder if the seuxal relationship, as it contributes to those bonds, is acting as designed because in God's eyes you are already married. Anyway, that's kind of deep. Nuts to that, on with the study.

 

[HeatherJay]

I meant in this relationship.

It was this statement of yours that trigger the thought: "I will add that, although I am in no way advocating a sinful lifestyle, I do think that our pre-marital sexual compatibility did far more to strengthen our bond than to damage it." The reason I ask is because I really do believe that God designed sex as a bonding agent unique to marriage. When I hear of bonds like you speak of, I often wonder if they are the kind that God would recognize as "marriage" bonds, with or with out the ceremony. And I wonder if the seuxal relationship, as it contributes to those bonds, is acting as designed because in God's eyes you are already married. Anyway, that's kind of deep. Nuts to that, on with the study.

Well, our relationship was somewhat unique in that, we both KNEW from the beginning that we were meant to be married. I had a word from God that told me so the very first time I met my hubby, and my husband "just knew" in his own way as well.

It's so complex...trying to figure out how God might view the whole thing. But I've always known beyond any doubt that God absolutely meant for us to be married. Looking back, it's so completely obvious that His hand has been on our marriage the entire time, from the beginning.

My husband and I and our relationship...in all areas...it's definitely something that I view as "a God thing."

So, yes, I think you have something of a point...even if it's a bit too complicated for effective internet forum discussion.

 

[Million Pieces]

Neither of us were virgins, and we'll celebrate 18 years this spring!

 

[Antje]

We were both virgins, and we're still married.

I've got two comments:

1) You're not likely to get a ton of people voting for the three "divorced"options, as this is the marriage forum.

2) I believe that the Christian covenant of marriage is meant to be made in a church community, where there are witnesses to your vows, and where the congregation also vows to support you. Thus, I absolutely do not see how premarital sex can end up making you married in God's eyes. Marriage happens with that covenant before witnesses. (I'm not denying the fact that premarital sex can end up bonding people, or that premarital sex with the person you want to marry is somewhat different from premarital sex with a random partner. Those things may well be, but there's no way that premarital sex can make you married in God's eyes.)

 

[Rhododendron]

I thought I would do a little study. We hear a lot how it is important to have premarital sex to determine if a couple is sexually compatable. Of course, we, as Christians, would disagree with this in theory, but very often fall prey to it in practice. What I am wondering is if this has any impact on the success of marriages. In other words, are couples who had pre-marital sex more or less prone to divorce than those that remained virgins? I can't find any research like this in the literature so I thought I would do my own study.

One participation note please. Since divorce or lack thereof is a component of the study, I would prefer that couples who have been married less than 5 years not participate. I want to study the long term effects that premarital sex may have had.

Also keep in mind we are dealing with 1st marriages only. The presumption is, of course, that if you were married before you had sex prior to this subsequent marriage.

I know there are lots of problems with this from a scientific standpoint, but so what. I'm curious.

That's a really good idea! I'm not going to vote because I've only been married for 2.5 years. But you ask very interesting questions!

 

[rainbowpromise]

Neither virgins, married 30 years, both committed to the vow we made.

Oh how much easier it would have been to start with trust though than have to fight our way to trust.

 

[Zoomer]

We had premarital sex, my now husband was my first and he had alot of sexual experience.
I do think sexual compatability can affect a marriage, I have seen it first hand with co-workers and friends. However, the defining factor, virgin or not, is if they let it ruin their marriage.

 

[Robinsegg]

Hubby had been married before, I was a virgin.
We've been married 8.5 years and are happy.
Rachel

 

[tp65]

Neither virgins but only had sex with each other. I do think that had we been obedient to God then the first few years might of had an element of wonder that it didn't have. Our wedding night was no big deal bc it was like so many other nights (of course we were excited but nothing new happened). My pastor used to say that couples now don't hurry off after the wedding/reception...they stay until the end bc they have already been intimate so much. I missed that, I wish I had been as excited for the wedding night as I was for everything else. All that said, I don't think it "hurt" our relationship to have sex ahead of time but I do think exploring for the first few years would have been fun. And I do think I may have missed some blessings bc I was not obedient to God. Been married 21 years.

 

[jessi46]

Neither virgin - still married

 

[ChildByGrace]

My dh was and I wasn't. It brought ALOT of baggage to the marriage which has taken the best part of 5 years to get over. Too many times to count one of us nearly ended up leaving. It was only our faith in God and our belief that God wouldn't want us to part that kept us together. Now that we have worked past the whole premarital sex thing we are in a good place and happy.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I did not vote in the poll because we have been married less than 5 years. We each had premarital sex with previous partners in our pasts, but were abstinent in our relationship with each other. We didn't have sex before we were married, but we're definitely sexually compatible

 

[invisiblebabe]

2) I believe that the Christian covenant of marriage is meant to be made in a church community, where there are witnesses to your vows, and where the congregation also vows to support you. Thus, I absolutely do not see how premarital sex can end up making you married in God's eyes. Marriage happens with that covenant before witnesses. (I'm not denying the fact that premarital sex can end up bonding people, or that premarital sex with the person you want to marry is somewhat different from premarital sex with a random partner. Those things may well be, but there's no way that premarital sex can make you married in God's eyes.)

I fully agree. I think it's nonsense (and an excuse for Christian dating/engaged couples to take their clothes off and fornicate) when Christians try to rationalize premarital sex as "being married in God's eyes." Even in Biblical times, there was always a socially recognizable and ceremonial aspect of marriage.

As far as bonding or "soul ties," well, the only time anything like soul ties was ever mentioned in the Bible is in 1 Samuel in the context of David and Jonathan, and I am quite sure that they never had sexual relations Deep relational connections are complicated and multifaceted, and I don't think that the way they are formed is so black-and-white as having or not having had sex with a person.

 

[Geoffc64]

I voted wrong. My wife was a virgin when we met, I wasn't, but we had sex before we got married. So in stead of being One virgin, it should be Neither Virgins.
Did it affect our sexual compatability? No way It unleashed a monstrous sex-drive in my now wife. what's effected our sexual compatability is having Kids

 

[Inkachu]

Note: We've been married less than 5 years, but I still wanted to contribute; ignore my post if you want This poll is 5 years old, so I doubt the OP is even keeping an eye on it anymore.

We both had partners in the past, but were abstinent with each other until marriage. I think "sexual compatibility" is easily discovered without having sex; if both partners are physically affectionate during courtship, that's a pretty good indicator that sex won't be one-sided. It's also pretty easy to tell if there's desire sparking during courtship; if you don't feel it, that'd be a warning sign to me. And of course, talking about it should be obvious, as long as both people can do so without being tempted to lust. Sometimes it takes a certain degree of maturity and self control to talk about sex frankly without getting all red-faced or turned-on.

Anyway. There ya go lol.

 

[gracefulone1980]

I voted number one. We have a great marriage, friendship and connection. I really couldn't imagine every having something like this with anyone else and I know my husband feels the same. I don't feel being a virgin or not had anything to do with it. We are just so connected to each other and we just celebrated 9 years of marriage.

 

[WalksWithChrist]

I voted...five years after the poll went up!

 

[LinkH]

I a study like this, i think it would be helpful to look at those who fornicated only with the person they ended up marrying to those who fornicated prior to marry with others.

 

[HeKnowsMyName]

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This thread is being closed per stay consensus as it violates the following rule:

Do not promote or encourage adultery or premarital sex.

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