Myth Busting Poll - Sexual Compatability

[gengwall]

I thought I would do a little study. We hear a lot how it is important to have premarital sex to determine if a couple is sexually compatable. Of course, we, as Christians, would disagree with this in theory, but very often fall prey to it in practice. What I am wondering is if this has any impact on the success of marriages. In other words, are couples who had pre-marital sex more or less prone to divorce than those that remained virgins? I can't find any research like this in the literature so I thought I would do my own study.

One participation note please. Since divorce or lack thereof is a component of the study, I would prefer that couples who have been married less than 5 years not participate. I want to study the long term effects that premarital sex may have had.

Also keep in mind we are dealing with 1st marriages only. The presumption is, of course, that if you were married before you had sex prior to this subsequent marriage.

I know there are lots of problems with this from a scientific standpoint, but so what. I'm curious.

 

[firestar]

We have a great marriage, we're extremely close and people often comment on how much we seem to enjoy each other. Neither one of us were virgins when we married- he was my first, but we did have premarital sex. Next anniversary will be ten years of marriage and thirteen years together in total.

I wouldn't say that pre-marital sex is the *reason* our marriage is so strong- but neither has it been this horrendous mistake that has crippled our marriage either. I would *never* advocate having sex before marriage as I believe it's wrong in God's eyes- but I do get REALLY tired hearing people who did wait commenting on how those of us that didn't can never have that special bond or great sex life, or whatever that they (the ones that waited) enjoy as a result of their obedience.

 

[c1ners]

I voted number one, but you'll have to delete it since we were both previously married.

I can't vote for my first marriage either, since you don't have the option of neither.....but would still be married if not for death.

 

[gengwall]

We have a great marriage, we're extremely close and people often comment on how much we seem to enjoy each other. Neither one of us were virgins when we married- he was my first, but we did have premarital sex. Next anniversary will be ten years of marriage and thirteen years together in total.

I wouldn't say that pre-marital sex is the *reason* our marriage is so strong- but neither has it been this horrendous mistake that has crippled our marriage either. I would *never* advocate having sex before marriage as I believe it's wrong in God's eyes- but I do get REALLY tired hearing people who did wait commenting on how those of us that didn't can never have that special bond or great sex life, or whatever that they (the ones that waited) enjoy as a result of their obedience.

Great testimony firestar.

Let me ask you this in line with the myth I am exploring and your statement "I wouldn't say that pre-marital sex is the *reason* our marriage is so strong". Turning that statement around, do you belive you could have built an equally successful marriage, and in particular, and equally successful sexual model within your marriage, if you had waited?

One other question which digs a little more and you can refuse to answer if you wish. Did your husband's other experience(s) besides you bring any sexual baggage into the marriage that had to be worked through? I am not looking for details, just a general sense of how his experience contributed, good or bad, to the development of your intramarital sexual model.

 

[gengwall]

I voted number one, but you'll have to delete it since we were both previously married.

I can't vote for my first marriage either, since you don't have the option of neither.....but would still be married if not for death.

I would consider being married until death parted you to fall under "still married" for this purpose. So, I think your answer 1 still holds true, yes?

 

[LynnMcG]

I answered 1. We both had some experience before we began dating. We'll be married 12 years this year, together for 16. Neither of us feel like sex before marriage (either with other people or each other) has had any kind of impact on our relationship. There is NO comparison to sex before marriage for us. It was just, sex. Now, it's SO much more.

We've talked about adultury, and sex outside of marriage, and neither of us see the draw. Once you create a bond, as we have in marriage, you just cannot compare it to that of sex with a stranger...maybe that's what we learned from sex before marriage.

 

[c1ners]

I would consider being married until death parted you to fall under "still married" for this purpose. So, I think your answer 1 still holds true, yes?

No, because I have remarried, so that no longer makes me married to him.

But to answer your question....I wouldn't say that premartial sex was the reason for our strong marriage. It was love. The sex just came with it.

And I also wouldn't say that premaritail sex was the cause of my lousy second marriage. There is so much more to put into a marriage than sex. IMO you just can't poll a thing like that.

 

[gengwall]

No, because I have remarried, so that no longer makes me married to him.

But to answer your question....I wouldn't say that premartial sex was the reason for our strong marriage. It was love. The sex just came with it.

And I also wouldn't say that premaritail sex was the cause of my lousy second marriage. There is so much more to put into a marriage than sex. IMO you just can't poll a thing like that.

I appreciate that. And I agree that every couple is different. But I still am wondering if there are any trends. What I am really trying to get at is two notions that I think are errors.

The first is that one must have sexual experience in order to have a successful marriage (at least sexually).

The second is that one must determine if sex is going to work with a potential spouse before getting married so as to guarentee that sex in the marriage will work.

What I want to know fundimentally is if the divorce rate, which I think is often impacted by sexual issues, may or may not also be impacted by these notions.

 

[firestar]

Great testimony firestar.

Let me ask you this in line with the myth I am exploring and your statement "I wouldn't say that pre-marital sex is the *reason* our marriage is so strong". Turning that statement around, do you belive you could have built an equally successful marriage, and in particular, and equally successful sexual model within your marriage, if you had waited?

Yes I absolutely think so... we are just really well suited to each other.

One other question which digs a little more and you can refuse to answer if you wish. Did your husband's other experience(s) besides you bring any sexual baggage into the marriage that had to be worked through? I am not looking for details, just a general sense of how his experience contributed, good or bad, to the development of your intramarital sexual model.

I struggled with insecurity at the beginning... I'd wonder sometimes if I measured up to other women... but then not just sexually. I'd be insecure over if someone else cooked better than me (I had little to no experience in the kitchen LOL), was prettier than me, shared more of his interests than me (he is a jock and so were most of his exes- I am most definitely NOT) etc... I guess it just took maturing to realize that he married *me* and not *them* for a reason. I'm not insecure in any area anymore.

 

[c1ners]

I appreciate that. And I agree that every couple is different. But I still am wondering if there are any trends. What I am really trying to get at is two notions that I think are errors.

The first is that one must have sexual experience in order to have a successful marriage (at least sexually).

The second is that one must determine if sex is going to work with a potential spouse before getting married so as to guarentee that sex in the marriage will work.

What I want to know fundimentally is if the divorce rate, which I think is often impacted by sexual issues, may or may not also be impacted by these notions.

All I know is that if someone I was dating ever told me that he wanted to "test" the product before committing to it, I would tell him to hit the road.

 

[likestocook]

All I know is that if someone I was dating ever told me that he wanted to "test" the product before committing to it, I would tell him to hit the road.

I think his rear would hit the curb before I finished the sentence, "Hit the road".

 

[JulySheMustFly]

Ok, maybe I'm being picky about the term "experience". Help me out. What do I vote?

We've only ever been with each other, but we did so for a long time before we were legally married.

 

[gengwall]

Ok, maybe I'm being picky about the term "experience". Help me out. What do I vote?

We've only ever been with each other, but we did so for a long time before we were legally married.

So neither of you were virgins even though you had only been with each other. Answer "neither".

 

[bleek1977]

I thought I would do a little study. We hear a lot how it is important to have premarital sex to determine if a couple is sexually compatable. Of course, we, as Christians, would disagree with this in theory, but very often fall prey to it in practice. What I am wondering is if this has any impact on the success of marriages. In other words, are couples who had pre-marital sex more or less prone to divorce than those that remained virgins? I can't find any research like this in the literature so I thought I would do my own study.

One participation note please. Since divorce or lack thereof is a component of the study, I would prefer that couples who have been married less than 5 years not participate. I want to study the long term effects that premarital sex may have had.

Also keep in mind we are dealing with 1st marriages only. The presumption is, of course, that if you were married before you had sex prior to this subsequent marriage.

I know there are lots of problems with this from a scientific standpoint, but so what. I'm curious.

When you have sex with other people before you spouse, you begin to have different experiences. The more experience you have the more you began to label and that's the probelm with sexual compatability if you'd had sex before the marriage. Think about it, if your a virgin how do you know about good sex or bad sex if you've never had sex to begin with. When we have multiple partners we be create a mental vision in our brains of what good sex should be like. We began to think "well she's good but she aint no suzy(ficticious name) or "he doesn't do it like mike did(ficticious name).

Gengwall I don't think couples who had premarital sex are more prone or less prone, but I do think they have an extral element to deal with (mental sexual comparison) that they wouldn't have if they were virgins.

And even if you we're married before it's still not as bad, if your ex-spouse was your only partner. But when you have multiple partners prior, it can create another issue.

 

[HeatherJay]

We have a great marriage, we're extremely close and people often comment on how much we seem to enjoy each other. Neither one of us were virgins when we married- he was my first, but we did have premarital sex. Next anniversary will be ten years of marriage and thirteen years together in total.

I wouldn't say that pre-marital sex is the *reason* our marriage is so strong- but neither has it been this horrendous mistake that has crippled our marriage either. I would *never* advocate having sex before marriage as I believe it's wrong in God's eyes- but I do get REALLY tired hearing people who did wait commenting on how those of us that didn't can never have that special bond or great sex life, or whatever that they (the ones that waited) enjoy as a result of their obedience.

I totally agree.

Neither my husband or I were virgins when we met. He was not my first and I was far from his first. We had sex before we were married.

I'm not advocating a sinful lifestyle, but we've been married for 10 years (in May), and our sex life is still great.

 

[gengwall]

I totally agree.

Neither my husband or I were virgins when we met. He was not my first and I was far from his first. We had sex before we were married.

I'm not advocating a sinful lifestyle, but we've been married for 10 years (in May), and our sex life is still great.

I'll ask you the same question as Firestar - did that prior experience present any hurdles for you? And the converse, is there anything in that prior experience you found essential to the development of your current "great" sex life?

 

[HeatherJay]

Great testimony firestar.

Let me ask you this in line with the myth I am exploring and your statement "I wouldn't say that pre-marital sex is the *reason* our marriage is so strong". Turning that statement around, do you belive you could have built an equally successful marriage, and in particular, and equally successful sexual model within your marriage, if you had waited?

One other question which digs a little more and you can refuse to answer if you wish. Did your husband's other experience(s) besides you bring any sexual baggage into the marriage that had to be worked through? I am not looking for details, just a general sense of how his experience contributed, good or bad, to the development of your intramarital sexual model.

I think that we're both completely compatible in other areas, and it wasn't JUST sex when we were dating...but we were both in at a point in our lives when the sexual compatibility that we shared was definitely something that more closely bonded us together.

If I'm honest, I can't imagine either of us waiting for marriage. BUT, I also can't imagine us breaking up because one or the other wanted to wait. I would never have left the man who I KNEW was the man God wanted me to marry from the beginning (plus, I was madly in love with him). And I'm sure that he would have waited until marriage if I had wanted to, because he had abstained with girlfriends in the past. And I knew beyond doubt that I was far more than just an easy piece to him...his true and deep love for me was something that he made obvious, and it had nothing to do with sex.

As far as bringing baggage into the marriage...I don't know if there was any at all. I didn't compare myself to his past women (and he'd been with a lot...more than he can remember). For one thing, I knew I was the best. And for another, he was never in love with any of those girls (the only other girl he loved was a former fiance...and he never had sex with her). I don't know, I've just always been very sexual confident in myself, and I was very confident in my relationship with him.

As for my baggage...he was/is very similar to me. Very confident in himself sexually and very confident in our love for each other. He's not the type to compare himself to other men because he knows he's awesome. And he knows that I think he's awesome. He's not conceited, but he's always been extremely confident in his abilities in all areas. His confidence is one of the main reasons I was so attracted to him.

I don't know, I guess I just never had much time for guys that needed constant reassurance. And he's much the same.

 

[HeatherJay]

I'll ask you the same question as Firestar - did that prior experience present any hurdles for you? And the converse, is there anything in that prior experience you found essential to the development of your current "great" sex life?

See above.

I will add that, although I am in no way advocating a sinful lifestyle, I do think that our pre-marital sexual compatibility did far more to strengthen our bond than to damage it. We have both always been extremely confident and open in our sexual relationship. There's a huge amount of trust there, and that intimate trust began to develop from the very beginning...not just after we were married.

Although I do now wish that we'd been more obedient to God, I also believe that God has used our past together (sinful or otherwise) and turned us into something that is good and pleasing in His sight. God can use all things toward His good, and I don't think that our sexual sins of the past are an exception.

 

[gengwall]

See above.

I will add that, although I am in no way advocating a sinful lifestyle, I do think that our pre-marital sexual compatibility did far more to strengthen our bond than to damage it. We have both always been extremely confident and open in our sexual relationship. There's a huge amount of trust there, and that intimate trust began to develop from the very beginning...not just after we were married.

Although I do now wish that we'd been more obedient to God, I also believe that God has used our past together (sinful or otherwise) and turned us into something that is good and pleasing in His sight. God can use all things toward His good, and I don't think that our sexual sins of the past are an exception.

And I think that is what God intends for sex, albiet within the confines of marriage. I wonder, have the two of you ever wondered or considered if you were technically married in God's eyes even before you were officially married?

 

[HeatherJay]

And I think that is what God intends for sex, albiet within the confines of marriage. I wonder, have the two of you ever wondered or considered if you were technically married in God's eyes even before you were officially married?

To others? Or to each other?

The one area that has been a struggle for us (although not a sexual struggle) is my one former love relationship. I've only ever loved two men...my husband was the second. And I met him only 3 weeks after ending my relationship with the first.

In spite of my love for my husband, I still question if that past relationship is something that I can ever truly and completely break the bond from. 10 years into marriage with my husband, I still feel a connection with that other guy. It's not love...it's not a longing to be with him instead (because I most certainly don't)...it's not lust...I have no contact with this guy. But there's most definitely something undeniably there, still connecting me to him.

I'm not sure that I believe in the concept of "soul ties" but I do know that I have not ever been able to escape that bond that I feel to my first love.

My husband and I have talked about it. He doesn't share that same lasting "bond" with his former loves (he's had 2...his highschool girlfriend and his former fiance). I don't know what it is...but yeah, that's been something of a struggle.