myspace.com

[kanga22]

Okay, in your opinion, what constitutes cheating? Dh is collecting "girlfriends" on myspace. Can a man just be friends with a woman? When does it cross the line? What boundaries should I insist upon? He already won't let me see his page unless he is standing right there, but he does tell me about their conversations. Of course he is probably leaving some parts out. I know that he is looking for an emotional connection with them. At what point does it become an emotional affair? Your thoughts/opinions please...but be kind.

 

[KJVisTruth]

This might be a good read for you... http://www.christianforums.com/t3965224-emotional-affairs-adultery.html.

 

[kanga22]

Thanks KJVisTruth, that was a tremendously helpful link. After reading the thoughts there, and doing some thinking myself, I've come to a decision. I'm not going to continue to let dh fish for a new wife while I sit idle waiting for him to pick me. We're going to have a talk about trust. Either we trust each other w/ full disclosure of all of our hidden activities, past and future,(for me it's this board) or we discuss divorce proceedings. Pray for me that I can stay calm and our discussion is productive and cordial. Thanks.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

praying for you

 

[KJVisTruth]

As long as God is with you, it will work out.

 

[kanga22]

Our talk went pretty well. At first he kept saying how "cute" I was because he thought it was a slight case of jealousy. I just kept trying to explain how important I felt this issue was to the future health of our marriage. He said he would need a little time in thought about it but he predicted he would start letting me see everything soon. He assures me that he does "pick me".

He admitted that he vents about me on occasion, and didn't think it would help anything for me to see that. I told him that I'm not really concerned about what he says about me, he should be able to tell me any of that anyway. It takes a lot to make me angry. My main concern is that he remain accountable to me and our marriage. I know he would tell me if he had an affair (although not immediately). But, I want to know if he is LOOKING for one. He doesn't seem to understand that our relationship will suffer if he spends his time thinking about and looking for someone else. And that's how I think he's been spending his time. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels trying to improve our situation.

For anyone here who didn't read the beginnings of my story, dh is out on the road all but 3-4 days per month for his new job. Sometimes he has whole days of nothing to do but surf the internet or watch TV. He hasn't been watching much TV.

Anyway, by the end of the conversation he was REALLY tired of talking about it. We hung up w/o saying "I love you".

Praise God that I was able to express how I felt about this. I think dh understood what I was saying.

 

[KJVisTruth]

I am glad it went well.

 

[kanga22]

The next day dh said that he chooses myspace over me or our marriage afterall. I said that I wasn't asking him to give it up. He said that's what he feels he would be doing if he has to let me see all of his activity there. Then I realized my main inquiry had been whether he was willing to put thought and effort into the improvement of our marriage. And his answer was, "No".

Strangely I'm very calm about the whole thing. Maybe it's God's grace keeping me calm, or maybe I'm just in denial. I pray that it's the Lord.

It looks certain that dh and I will be getting a divorce, but neither of us are running to the courthouse. I still have hope for restoration. Although I will stop beating the dead horse now. In the meantime the kids and I will work, play, and have a life without dh. We're working on our relationship with the Lord and improving ourselves!

Oh, I also want to say that his opinion of me and whether this is my fault or not changes everyday. For those on this board who are dealing with this verbal abuse/criticism, I say give it to God. That's what I have done and it hasn't bothered me lately. I can just let his evil words roll off my back. God is good.

 

[Deborah6763]

God bless you! and only with God will you get through this.

Stand firm on your faith. Jesus is your rock and will see you through.

 

[Gimpy]

I suggest you do EVERYTHING in your power not to divorce. Maybe its just a stage he is going through. I know I could be wrong, but divorce needs to be the very last thing you think of.

 

[kanga22]

Gimpy, it's not like we were blissfully happy one day, and the next day he discovered myspace and we decided our marriage was over.

In a nutshell our marriage was not built on a solid foundation. We started by living (in sin) together for nine years. I messed around with other guys in the first five years during the many times we were on a "break". Which he is trying to use against me now as justification for anything he does wrong. Then dh started pursuing a woman a couple of years before we got married. He married me partially to get away from his obsession of her. He also thought I would make a great mother and wanted to have a family with me. A few months after we were married he slept with two women (one of them was the obsession woman). He went to marriage counseling for a few months and thought we had a handle on everything.

Now, 11 1/2 married years and two children later he tells me that he has been bored and miserable for a long time. He told me that he has wondered for years if he should have stayed with "obsession woman". He was laid-off 1 1/2 years ago and couldn't find decent work for a year so we went through severe financial difficulties. He was depressed and didn't tell me. He doesn't believe in therapy (talking or medication). Then he was further devastated when he learned that "obsession woman" had committed suicide. Apparently he had been searching for her.

Now he has a job where he is out of town all the time. We only see him three days a month. He loves his new life. He spends a lot of his free time online meeting women and giving minimum effort and thought to our family. At first I tried to change myself to win his heart back (although I'm not sure I ever had it). But, I realized that I was just spinning my wheels.

The kids and I are working on a life without him here. I have no reason to file the paperwork for a divorce. I'll either wait for him to do it, or do it myself when the Lord directs me that it's time. For now, the children don't need to know anything about it. I'm not sure how things will go on his next trip home. I'm just praying for peace and strength from the Lord to get through it.

 

[E-beth]

God bless you, Kanga

My prayers are with all of you.

My advice is just to do what you are already doing: seek the Lord's will in all things. When I was going through a marriage breakup all I could do was pray and beg God to make His will known. My ex ended up being the one to file, so I knew that it was God's will in God's time. I learned in a real way God knows the real score, and He rewards those who seek Him.

 

[Gimpy]

I didnt know all that and I see why you would want to give up. I am only suggesting you that you please continue to pray for your marriage. I am glad you are waiting for God's guidance in filing for a divorce. You are definitely on the right track. God Bless you and your children.

 

[kanga22]

E-beth, Thank you for the encouraging words.

Gimpy, you are right, I guess I have stopped praying for my marriage. I'm still praying for dh's salvation, but have actually given up on working on our marriage. Dh says that he wants to stay married to me yet he is no longer wearing his wedding ring. I have told him that his actions will determine what happens. In the meantime, I guess I'm resigned to learning to live like a single mother.

 

[LINUS___]

I'm very new to the whole marriage thing, in fact mine seems over before we ever really got going(long story, not important right now). Long story short I'm going to be divorced in the next few weeks(her decision).

Anyhow, the only wisdom I received from God during all the ugly splitting up, etc. was just to always tell her she was loved by me.
It didn't matter how bad a conversation went (never yelling, just sad), no matter how hurt I was that this was going on, I was a firm believer in telling her "I love you" whenever I felt it, but most importantly I ended every conversation with it.
She knows I don't say something if I don't mean it, and I never gave a lame, mumbled 'I love you' either. Say it like you mean it, and you do from what you have written so far.
It's not a sign of weakness or anything like that, in fact she hasn't returned any "I love you" in the last 5 months. I used to hope she would return it, but i've gotten used to the fact that she really doesn't plan to.
Believe it or not, it actually strengthens you inside to say it, I have no idea why or how that works, but from the bottom of my heart it's true.
It hurts, but when it's totally over I'll at least have the peace inside that she knew the whole time I still could have been hers, and that I have no regrets that I didn't say what mattered at the time. There is no doubt despite her leaving me, and all the crazyness of divorcing - she knows she was loved.

God luck - no, I didn't misspell that either

Sounds crazy, but try it - like I said, that was wisdom from God, and it helped me.

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

For me it is different. I am not loved, never have been in the mariage, so freedom is all there is left.

No bitterness, no vendetta, just Jesus.

Grace in all things, especially to oneself.

(I have 4 children)

 

[LINUS___]

For me it is different. I am not loved, never have been in the mariage, so freedom is all there is left.

No bitterness, no vendetta, just Jesus.

Grace in all things, especially to oneself.

(I have 4 children)

While I don't understand the scope of your situation - don't you wish you had told her you loved her if you missed an opportunity? I would. Like I said though, I don't understand your situation or your statement of never being loved. Didn't this woman love you at some point, enough to marry you, enough to have 4 children with you?

My comment was mostly directed at Kanga22, but I think it would apply to most of us in this forum.

My biggest point to it all is that by saying what you feel, you are set free from regret down the road because you DID say everything in your heart before it was 'too late'. Sometimes stupid pride gets in the way (at least it did for me for a short period) - and we won't say "I love you" or give affection because of some shortsighted thing clouding us from what really should matter.

 

[mimi4him]

ok , im thinking if he wants to not share his myspace with you or give it up He has big secrets he is hiding,
My stbx would never give me a key to his truck ( said he kept extra key in his wallet in case he locked his other set in truck) Anyway he kept his bar clothes in it , He works nights and some nights he would not go to work but go out , he would leave dressed for work but change before he got to bars. COme in next morning dressed like he had been at work .
You r situation may not be the same but I see it as him wanting his married life and his single life and now that you want in his single life he wants out of the marriage .
blessings
carol

 

[imaniingod]

I'm very new to the whole marriage thing, in fact mine seems over before we ever really got going(long story, not important right now). Long story short I'm going to be divorced in the next few weeks(her decision).

Anyhow, the only wisdom I received from God during all the ugly splitting up, etc. was just to always tell her she was loved by me.
It didn't matter how bad a conversation went (never yelling, just sad), no matter how hurt I was that this was going on, I was a firm believer in telling her "I love you" whenever I felt it, but most importantly I ended every conversation with it.
She knows I don't say something if I don't mean it, and I never gave a lame, mumbled 'I love you' either. Say it like you mean it, and you do from what you have written so far.
It's not a sign of weakness or anything like that, in fact she hasn't returned any "I love you" in the last 5 months. I used to hope she would return it, but i've gotten used to the fact that she really doesn't plan to.
Believe it or not, it actually strengthens you inside to say it, I have no idea why or how that works, but from the bottom of my heart it's true.
It hurts, but when it's totally over I'll at least have the peace inside that she knew the whole time I still could have been hers, and that I have no regrets that I didn't say what mattered at the time. There is no doubt despite her leaving me, and all the crazyness of divorcing - she knows she was loved.

God luck - no, I didn't misspell that either

Sounds crazy, but try it - like I said, that was wisdom from God, and it helped me.

Hey Linus and welcome to CF!!!

 

[imaniingod]

Hey Linus and welcome to CF!!!

I am in the same situation. I was married for a short period of time and I will be glad when it is completely over. It hurt at first but I realized that it was not a union that was made by God because what God has for you it is for you. I know that for me, I married him and I knew that God was saying no this is not the one but we got married and two months later we were separating and a few weeks I am glad to say that I will be divorced.