My wife doesn´t want sex

[whirlfire]

Hi everybody,

I am looking for some advice. I have a wife of 35 years old, who doesn´t care much of sex. I have 33 years old, we both have been christians since almost ten years, we have four years of marriage, she is not using pills or any kind of hormonal treatments, and both are very healthy. Because of my work, I have to travel oftenly outside of the country, let´s say one and sometimes two weeks every month.

We had problems with this issue since the very beginning of our marriage. It took me like two years before she stopped feeling embarrased because of me seeing her nude. Even today, I entered into the bathroom while she was taking a shower and she covered herself quickly.

I have tried talking to her many times, asking if there is something bad with me or if she doesn´t like me or something and she always says "no, the problem is myself. Of course I like you!".

I have tried many times to be kind and let her take her own rythm, and we spent a month and two weeks without sex until I could not wait any longer. I have tried to be the best in the bed I can, and she almost always reach [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], but it doesn´t change her mood I guess. I tend to be gentle and affectionate all day, but she is more of the cold type, although we have talked of this issue and she has gotten better on this side. I don´t think I put much pressure on her. I tend to talk to her of this sex issue, let´s say, once every two or three months.

I, on the other side, would need to have sex a minimum of three days a week, and better if all week. I am more of the hot kind of guy, and like to innovate, that is, within God´s will and respecting her own desires and opinions.

I touch oftenly, which also makes me frequently think in other women. Not a long while ago, my faith in Jesus weakened a lot, and I had a huge struggle to continue believing (not because of my wife of course) and during that time, I even used pornography (she doesn´t know this, and I don´t think is healthy for her to know it) .

Now I am recovering from that fall, and I feel like I don´t want to touch or to sin anymore. I would never say my sins are her fault, because I know that is irresponsible thinking, yet this situation is not helping me.

A couple of days ago she asked me to go on diet an exercise, because I have like twenty more pounds than I should (We gained some extra weight during last years and she is on diet now) and I said "ok, I will sacrifice and do it, but we can make a deal if we have more frequent sex and you take a couple of readings on it on the internet and books, etc." she just said "I will think about it" and never asked me to do diet and exercise. I don´t know if you follow me, but I felt bad with her attitude. It seems that having sex with me is so disgusting for her that she better dropped off her request. That response settled my expectations really low.

I have been very detailed because I need a good advice. I have four years in this situation and I am almost giving up.

 

[tunnelhckrat]

I have (or had, Im not sure) a problem very similar to this. My Wife after our first child had taken a serious hit to her Libido, it caused much friction in our relationship. A couple of times she said I should leave her because it was never going to get better. I, however do not think after the vows are made that a man and women had the right to seperate, I decided that I will stay with her no matter what and love her and just wait. I dont think the situation has really improved (or maybe it has, like I said im not sure) but I honestly do not worry about it too much anymore, she seems happy and I am happy with her. I dont think anything really changed as far as frequency of intercourse, but we havent fought about it in a couple of months and I dont see it happening any time soon. Maybe it was my outlook. A problem with us men is that we love first with our eyes, but women first love with emotions and if the emotion is not right then its not going to end well for you or her. The only advice I can really give is pray and be patient even in suffering.


But who am I to give such advice?

 

[raven1]

Has she ever been sexually abused? That can put a damper on things. Also wht about medicines they can drop her libido. I am a 36 year old female who doesn't care much for sex myself. Maybe its true, they say woman don't want sex unil in there fifties.

 

[Johnnz]

There are probably background issues that are still very influential. Not wanting even to be seen naked is indicative of some very unhealthy attitudes which will have their roots somewhere in her past.

But she has to be willing to open up wit someone about that and that in itself is probably too hard in her opinion. You both need some really experienced help.

John
NZ

 

[tunnelhckrat]

Was wondering if anything has changed, if it does Im sure it will be a slow process. But it will be worthwhile.

 

[SilkRainn]

A couple of days ago she asked me to go on diet an exercise, because I have like twenty more pounds than I should (We gained some extra weight during last years and she is on diet now) and I said "ok, I will sacrifice and do it, but we can make a deal if we have more frequent sex and you take a couple of readings on it on the internet and books, etc." she just said "I will think about it" and never asked me to do diet and exercise.

Wow! Ouch!

At this point, it goes beyond her libido. The question after this statement should be about her selfishness.

Are you thinking of separation? If you want to PM about it then feel free to do so, but if shes ok with once every 2-3 mos and you want 3 times a week, this will end up being an unhappy marriage, and she cant seems to care less about it.

Do you deserve better? If you were outside of this relationship to peruse other women, would you find better? Only you can answer those two questions.

 

[Luna1991]

Have a friend whose libido seriously dropped after a few pregnancies. She & her husband both agreed that a healthy sex life was important in their relationship (he's struggled with porn also). So they decided to 'schedule in' sex one a week, on a night that suited them both. The deal was that neither person could say no to sex that night, unless they were actually unwell. It apparently worked well - she says she always has a good time once they've started, and the 'planned sex night' helped her remember that, even if she want feeling particularly motivated beforehand.

But I also agree that some therapy would be helpful for her & for you as a couple. Her insecurities about her body definitely suggest some underlying issues that aren't going to work themselves out.

I'm hardly one to give advice (have my own issues with sex, etc.), but knowing my friend has worked through it made me want to share. And I think it's not very loving on her behalf to withhold sex from you.

 

[Luna1991]

Ps - her husband worked more regular sex into their week by approaching her with the phrase "am I allowed to tempt you tonight?" & giving her a back/foot massage - not too much pressure & opened the gateway to conversation if she declined.

 

[Yahu]

Hi everybody,

I am looking for some advice. I have a wife of 35 years old, who doesn´t care much of sex. I have 33 years old, we both have been christians since almost ten years, we have four years of marriage, she is not using pills or any kind of hormonal treatments, and both are very healthy. Because of my work, I have to travel oftenly outside of the country, let´s say one and sometimes two weeks every month.

We had problems with this issue since the very beginning of our marriage. It took me like two years before she stopped feeling embarrased because of me seeing her nude. Even today, I entered into the bathroom while she was taking a shower and she covered herself quickly.

I have tried talking to her many times, asking if there is something bad with me or if she doesn´t like me or something and she always says "no, the problem is myself. Of course I like you!".

I have tried many times to be kind and let her take her own rythm, and we spent a month and two weeks without sex until I could not wait any longer. I have tried to be the best in the bed I can, and she almost always reach [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], but it doesn´t change her mood I guess. I tend to be gentle and affectionate all day, but she is more of the cold type, although we have talked of this issue and she has gotten better on this side. I don´t think I put much pressure on her. I tend to talk to her of this sex issue, let´s say, once every two or three months.

I, on the other side, would need to have sex a minimum of three days a week, and better if all week. I am more of the hot kind of guy, and like to innovate, that is, within God´s will and respecting her own desires and opinions.

I touch oftenly, which also makes me frequently think in other women. Not a long while ago, my faith in Jesus weakened a lot, and I had a huge struggle to continue believing (not because of my wife of course) and during that time, I even used pornography (she doesn´t know this, and I don´t think is healthy for her to know it) .

Now I am recovering from that fall, and I feel like I don´t want to touch or to sin anymore. I would never say my sins are her fault, because I know that is irresponsible thinking, yet this situation is not helping me.

A couple of days ago she asked me to go on diet an exercise, because I have like twenty more pounds than I should (We gained some extra weight during last years and she is on diet now) and I said "ok, I will sacrifice and do it, but we can make a deal if we have more frequent sex and you take a couple of readings on it on the internet and books, etc." she just said "I will think about it" and never asked me to do diet and exercise. I don´t know if you follow me, but I felt bad with her attitude. It seems that having sex with me is so disgusting for her that she better dropped off her request. That response settled my expectations really low.

I have been very detailed because I need a good advice. I have four years in this situation and I am almost giving up.

You need to do some teaching with your wife. A husband's body belongs to his wife and vice versa. Her body is yours to care for in all its needs. It is also her responsibility to take care of all your body needs. That includes dealing with your sex drive. You are to take care of all her needs. So I would advise actually taking the time to wash her in the shower in an non-sexual encounter and just show her how you are just caring for her body because it is your body to care for. <staff edit>

Now I never had a problem like yours but my 2nd wife had major problems like this before our relationship. She was physically different then most women. She did not get much stimulation from sex <staff edit>. It had caused two previous failed engagements on her part when she became sexually active before the wedding. Due to her unresponsiveness, the men refused to marry her due to her sexual problems. Before we met, she had been dumped many times because of it. She quit going through long drawn out relationships before becoming sexually active. She needed to know if she would just get dumped again. I caused her deep emotional scars.

I didn't have any problem seeing the issue. Now I know some sexual techniques that greatly helped her. <staff edit>

Im afraid most men don't know what it means to be a great lover. It isn't just giving her an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] <staff edit>. Making love should be a slow tender act designed to bring her to great pleasure. <staff edit> You don't treat a wife like a harlot to pound on but treat her as the mother of your children and realize it is YOUR job to do what ever it takes to please her. Learn to be a great lover and you will never lack sexual attention. She will want more then you can provide.