My weird journey.

[FireWithin]

Several years ago now I was a catechumen. I had a long, drawn-out catechumenate which discouraged me at times, I saw people come and get baptized, but I had to wait. Maybe Father knew there would come a day when I'd run off, but I was still hurt by the long process. I began to feel like Jesus saw me as non-deserving of spiritual life, which seemed so contrary to how I viewed the gospel. I had a very strong desire to receive the gifts and it grew to a point where I would watch people partake and grow sad, feeling like the least in the room, the least in the kingdom.

Now, I'm not saying that he was in the wrong. I'm not blaming him for me leaving. In fact, I went along with that for a couple of years, accepting it as humbly as I could, committing to my spiritual life as much as I could. And I fell short often. I am a sinner. But I loved the church (honestly, I still do, as much as my pentecostal-ish friends would be freaked out at any idea of anything seemingly-"Roman" or Marian), I loved my God, I loved my parish and my pastor.

Towards the end of my Orthodox life, he gave the blessing for me to visit a ROCOR monastery. I was to stay for 2 weeks, but, after 4 days I ran away in the middle of the night. Something came over me. I wasn't cut out for that. I was very discouraged by it, it only made me feel worse about my spiritual life -- never graduating the first rung of that ladder of divine ascent, never feeling the grace or propitiation of Christ's work on the cross, just feeling hell-bound and weak, fragile, broken.

This may seem like I am bashing the Church but I am not. I still love Orthodoxy, in my heart of hearts, I miss the liturgy, the prayers, the life, the depth, everything about it. But honestly I am afraid. Where I am now, I feel the grace of God, I feel His love, I feel as though He is not limited to the Church in these latter times to bestow His grace and His Spirit.

But I can't deny the longing I have for Orthodoxy. It calls to me, always.

Please pray for me and tell me what you think about what I've said. I need some advice. I don't want to leave my church, indeed I even love my church, and my current preacher, and this is the strongest I have ever been in my faith... but I hear those bells ringing. I hear those voices chanting. I see the icons flickering before the oil lamps. I smell the incense rising. I apologize for waxing all poetic on you but my heart is full of desire to run to the church, but I am afraid. And I am clinging to where I am, pulled in two directions.

 

[truefiction1]

Interesting.

 

[gurneyhalleck1]

I don't think you're weird or wrong at all to feel some fear, trepidation, and second guessing! I went through that. I like to joke that I went "kicking and screaming" into Orthodoxy! My wife was WAY more hip to actually 'sign on the dotted line' than me. I thank God that He used my wife like Sarah to Abraham. Sometimes men need a wife's voice from God.

Orthodoxy is the one, true, holy, catholic, apostolic faith. Grounded in the apostolic origin, it has maintained not only succession and a rich spiritual life and amazingly deep liturgy, the TRUE TEACHING which is the very definition of "orthodoxy" is what we have! We have it all. you have 100% confidence you ARE forgiven in our confession! You have 100% assurance you DO receive Christ Jesus as you approach the Eucharist! You have 100% certitude that you were validly married and baptized and chrismated and blessed. Orthodoxy is God's conduit to bless, sanctify, chasten, enlighten, embrace, and save us from hell's fury.

Look at our saints, our Fathers from the ancient Church, the depth of wisdom, the holiness in which we worship the Risen Christ, the brilliance of our theologians, the glory of our icons, the smell of our incense. the richness of the whole history of it. Orthodoxy is Truth unspoiled through two millennia of poisonous governments, corrupt leaders, wars, communism, world wars, vile sins, and horrible evils. Orthodoxy has survived unscathed.

No evangelical church can come within a parsec of the depth and holiness you'll receive in Orthodoxy. Not within light years.

There is a commitment when you join Orthodoxy. There is that little nagging worry about signing up for something so awesome. I get it. There is the voice in the back of your head telling you to run because this is your last chance! If this really IS Christ's Church, then there's no going back!

I think it's a bit like cohabitation. You enjoy being with the girl, sleeping with her, waking up to her, eating breakfast with her, sharing an apartment....but when you actually realize you're getting MARRIED, you are IN! ALL IN! And if you change your mind, a messy divorce process and a feeling of pain, shame, failure, and hurt will follow! Better to only put one foot in the door, half-way it.

But that isn't healthy! Christians are called to be ALL IN! And no Church is truly the fullness of the faith and Truth and sacramental graces that Orthodoxy is. In your heart, you know this. But there is that long process and eventually that commitment that might be scaring you.

I say open your heart to Christ, go to Divine Liturgy again, face your fears, and PLEASE JOIN THIS SUBFORUM and hang with us!

rest assured we'll pray for you and answer your questions, care about you, and help out!

God bless, mate!
Gurney

Several years ago now I was a catechumen. I had a long, drawn-out catechumenate which discouraged me at times, I saw people come and get baptized, but I had to wait. Maybe Father knew there would come a day when I'd run off, but I was still hurt by the long process. I began to feel like Jesus saw me as non-deserving of spiritual life, which seemed so contrary to how I viewed the gospel. I had a very strong desire to receive the gifts and it grew to a point where I would watch people partake and grow sad, feeling like the least in the room, the least in the kingdom.

Now, I'm not saying that he was in the wrong. I'm not blaming him for me leaving. In fact, I went along with that for a couple of years, accepting it as humbly as I could, committing to my spiritual life as much as I could. And I fell short often. I am a sinner. But I loved the church (honestly, I still do, as much as my pentecostal-ish friends would be freaked out at any idea of anything seemingly-"Roman" or Marian), I loved my God, I loved my parish and my pastor.

Towards the end of my Orthodox life, he gave the blessing for me to visit a ROCOR monastery. I was to stay for 2 weeks, but, after 4 days I ran away in the middle of the night. Something came over me. I wasn't cut out for that. I was very discouraged by it, it only made me feel worse about my spiritual life -- never graduating the first rung of that ladder of divine ascent, never feeling the grace or propitiation of Christ's work on the cross, just feeling hell-bound and weak, fragile, broken.

This may seem like I am bashing the Church but I am not. I still love Orthodoxy, in my heart of hearts, I miss the liturgy, the prayers, the life, the depth, everything about it. But honestly I am afraid. Where I am now, I feel the grace of God, I feel His love, I feel as though He is not limited to the Church in these latter times to bestow His grace and His Spirit.

But I can't deny the longing I have for Orthodoxy. It calls to me, always.

Please pray for me and tell me what you think about what I've said. I need some advice. I don't want to leave my church, indeed I even love my church, and my current preacher, and this is the strongest I have ever been in my faith... but I hear those bells ringing. I hear those voices chanting. I see the icons flickering before the oil lamps. I smell the incense rising. I apologize for waxing all poetic on you but my heart is full of desire to run to the church, but I am afraid. And I am clinging to where I am, pulled in two directions.

 

[truefiction1]

Towards the end of my Orthodox life, he gave the blessing for me to visit a ROCOR monastery. I was to stay for 2 weeks, but, after 4 days I ran away in the middle of the night. Something came over me. I wasn't cut out for that. I was very discouraged by it, it only made me feel worse about my spiritual life -- never graduating the first rung of that ladder of divine ascent, never feeling the grace or propitiation of Christ's work on the cross, just feeling hell-bound and weak, fragile, broken.

Probably not that uncommon of an emotional response to having been deprived of the many things one has grown accustomed throughout a lifetime to need in order to feel "okay" in life. The austerities of monastic life do exactly that to a newcomer. I nearly went mad during my first week, as I was very young and had never stayed away from home or family for any length of time. Negative, dark emotions consumed me, along with their corresponding thoughts and patterns of thoughts leading only to despair, never any hope. There is an answer to your dilemma about Orthodox worship... It is designed for the purpose of enabling our minds to grow, gradually, by helping us to integrate painful, negative emotions, in order that we may ultimately overcome them and become true masters over our own behavior (that is, a free person rather than a slave to passion) as Jesus is. The problem is that some of us, especially when young, don't quite understand the limits of our own psychological (or spiritual) capacities, and may enter or be thrown into situations which we are not adequately prepared for, yet.

It is a gradual process, and one needs to learn to be patient with oneself. God is patient, so we must learn to be also.

 

[ArmyMatt]

well for starters, welcome to TAW!

Several years ago now I was a catechumen. I had a long, drawn-out catechumenate which discouraged me at times, I saw people come and get baptized, but I had to wait. Maybe Father knew there would come a day when I'd run off, but I was still hurt by the long process. I began to feel like Jesus saw me as non-deserving of spiritual life, which seemed so contrary to how I viewed the gospel. I had a very strong desire to receive the gifts and it grew to a point where I would watch people partake and grow sad, feeling like the least in the room, the least in the kingdom.

that can happen, and it is not because you are any less worthy than those who were received. these things happen on God's time and not ours. I have a friend who was in your shoes, was made a catechumen and she saw all of these folks getting baptized and chrismated ahead of her. well, now she has been received, is very active in her parish, her hubby is a tonsured reader, and they are expecting. I know another guy who was a catechumen for 15 years, and he is now a very active Sunday school teacher. they both said that they were received at the right moment and they knew it was correct.

Towards the end of my Orthodox life, he gave the blessing for me to visit a ROCOR monastery. I was to stay for 2 weeks, but, after 4 days I ran away in the middle of the night. Something came over me. I wasn't cut out for that. I was very discouraged by it, it only made me feel worse about my spiritual life -- never graduating the first rung of that ladder of divine ascent, never feeling the grace or propitiation of Christ's work on the cross, just feeling hell-bound and weak, fragile, broken.

nah, that just means that you were not called to visit that ROCOR monastery at that particular time. nuthin wrong with that.

I still love Orthodoxy, in my heart of hearts, I miss the liturgy, the prayers, the life, the depth, everything about it. But honestly I am afraid. Where I am now, I feel the grace of God, I feel His love, I feel as though He is not limited to the Church in these latter times to bestow His grace and His Spirit.

glory to God!

Please pray for me and tell me what you think about what I've said. I need some advice. I don't want to leave my church, indeed I even love my church, and my current preacher, and this is the strongest I have ever been in my faith... but I hear those bells ringing. I hear those voices chanting. I see the icons flickering before the oil lamps. I smell the incense rising. I apologize for waxing all poetic on you but my heart is full of desire to run to the church, but I am afraid. And I am clinging to where I am, pulled in two directions.

well, Lord have mercy on you!

this could be God calling you back so I would check out your local Orthodox Church. the fear is coming from the devil who does not want you to return. I was in a Pentecostal group in college before I converted, and I still love the lot of them. becoming Orthodox is not a condemnation of those in a former communion. in fact, believe it or not, you can actually learn to love them more. and some of them might go with you as well.

all in God's time.

 

[truefiction1]

... but I hear those bells ringing. I hear those voices chanting. I see the icons flickering before the oil lamps. I smell the incense rising.

"There is a road from the eye to the heart that does not go through the intellect." --G.K. Chesterton

This (Chesterton's) statement is the truth, and can be understood to apply to the other senses as well. Orthodox worship contains natural therapeutic powers which are incorporated through the physical senses. This is likely what you long for that is lacking within your current church.