I have really been
reaching out to God again lately. Yes I am Christian and I do love the Lord
so very deeply. I have faith and that is in all honesty why I believe I am
here still today. I have so many times wanted to give up this fight..but I
keep on going, not I but Christ in me.
I was a Lutheran growing up..baptized, confirmed as a young teen of 13.with
tons of questions. I fell away from my faith.turn my back on God for a long
time. I blamed Him for my first failed marriage of mental and physical
abuse..I was very bitter for a long time wandered aimlessly in my life...
About 5 years ago now..I came back to Jesus on my knees in tears of despair.
I was in such a very deep state of depression.to the point of seriously
considering suicide again, even though I had made a promise to God that if
He got me out of my last attempt I would never try committing suicide again.
I tried forever to pull through without help..I insisted that I should/have
to be able to do it without any help..after all being a Christian I needed
to rely on the Lord more..I indulged into the word hour after hour day after
day praying and striving to be happy..feeling horribly guilty, as far as I
was concerned I had no business being this unhappy, I considered myself
lacking in faith and so ungrateful for this gift of life through Jesus. I
won't continue too much more as I could wright forever what I have been
through for the last 5 years.and even before them.could write a novel.
I have been on meds. for the last 2 1/2 years.different kinds and different
amounts..
Right now I am so discouraged because I know I need these meds. for this
chemical imbalance..but I feel my faith and walk so lacking when on them.I
feel part of my hunger and emotions stale.
Not to mention I continually receive the druggy attitude from my husband
and the expense of these meds. And then my husband makes too much to get
assistance with the cost. So right now I just don't have the money to take
them consistently so I just quit. If my husband new how much the meds I am
suppose to be on and the cost I was dishing out...I really think he would
have a fit...so I am dishonest or misleading on the subject, which doesn't
go real well with my walking the walk and not just talking the talk of
faith. Also my husband isn't a christian, denies it all. I am discouraged,
lonely, tired and depressed right now. I know I have to get back on
them..but I really don't want to..at this time I haven't crashed yet, but I
feel it coming..yet I like the temporarily feeling of being able to get off
of my lazy self and do some much need housework...my zoloft really makes me
tired and lazy..I just don't want to do anything..but I know pretty soon I
am going to not want to do anything anyway.as I feel myself slowly sinking
deeper and deeper into this despairing depression.So all said and done I
feel even more depressed.because I know I have to go back on them. I can't
keep trying new meds. because my insurance is only paying a percentage of
the prescriptions as I already maxed out my limit for the year of $
1,000.00. (Before that all I paid was a co-pay of anywhere from $5.00 to
$35.00.) Of course with no support from anyone I am so much confused and
despairing over my life..which again makes me more ashamed because I know I
am not suppose to feel this way if I was a real christian..so sometimes I do
question my faith, yet I know so strongly Jesus is the only rock in my
life...I wish I could do better. I have no family around here and the one
person I really was feeling comfort from was my pastor.he is been gone from
our church since the beginning of the year. He is such a wonderful
counselor I really miss being able to talk to him. So now I don't honestly
know where to go with my life...all I keep thinking is to pray.If I could
just get out of this negative attitude I could do so much better.
Also I rapid cycle with mixed episodes, I have severe panic attacks.so I
don't reach out to anyone else in the church.I think no one whould want
anything to do with me.I do go to a bible study once a week, that my pastor
encouraged me to go to and didn't give up on me.so I finally went and
haven't stopped going, even though many times I feel like it, I just want to
shut down. I have antisocial phobias and disorders. I so long to be involved
in my church but I can't seem to make that step.I start panicking just
thinking about it..don't' know why I know the people are really loving and
kind.
I had a really super friend so I thought until she dumped me because of my
bipolar. I had it coming I guess as I had a few episodes and she just didn'
t want to deal with me anymore.that was before I was on meds for
bipolar.pdoc first diagnosed me with severe clinical depression..I thought I
was just wacked when I was having these episodes did't know what they were
or why I was feeling this way..I have blown so much money in the past that
we lost our van due to not being able to make payments.
I guess I have rattled on a lot now, you are probably exhausted.. I promise
I won't do this again..but I really felt the need to share...
Yes I do have four children...Darren 15 boy, Gary 12 boy, Candace 11 girl
and Tiffany 7 girl. I love them dearly yet it can be so trying..yet I know
they keep me going.
I am at the point now where I really want to grow in my spiritual walk but I
have so much garbage to take care of in myself. So I sit here wondering
what do I do next, all I do is keep haging on to my faith..knowing one day
it will all be over when I get to heaven. Until then I just wish so much I
could be a better desciple and to be of some use.
It is really nice to be able to reach out and talk to someone who is also
bipolar and have a love for Christ. thanks for sharing yourself with
me...until next time your sister in Christ, Sue.
reaching out to God again lately. Yes I am Christian and I do love the Lord
so very deeply. I have faith and that is in all honesty why I believe I am
here still today. I have so many times wanted to give up this fight..but I
keep on going, not I but Christ in me.
I was a Lutheran growing up..baptized, confirmed as a young teen of 13.with
tons of questions. I fell away from my faith.turn my back on God for a long
time. I blamed Him for my first failed marriage of mental and physical
abuse..I was very bitter for a long time wandered aimlessly in my life...
About 5 years ago now..I came back to Jesus on my knees in tears of despair.
I was in such a very deep state of depression.to the point of seriously
considering suicide again, even though I had made a promise to God that if
He got me out of my last attempt I would never try committing suicide again.
I tried forever to pull through without help..I insisted that I should/have
to be able to do it without any help..after all being a Christian I needed
to rely on the Lord more..I indulged into the word hour after hour day after
day praying and striving to be happy..feeling horribly guilty, as far as I
was concerned I had no business being this unhappy, I considered myself
lacking in faith and so ungrateful for this gift of life through Jesus. I
won't continue too much more as I could wright forever what I have been
through for the last 5 years.and even before them.could write a novel.
I have been on meds. for the last 2 1/2 years.different kinds and different
amounts..
Right now I am so discouraged because I know I need these meds. for this
chemical imbalance..but I feel my faith and walk so lacking when on them.I
feel part of my hunger and emotions stale.
Not to mention I continually receive the druggy attitude from my husband
and the expense of these meds. And then my husband makes too much to get
assistance with the cost. So right now I just don't have the money to take
them consistently so I just quit. If my husband new how much the meds I am
suppose to be on and the cost I was dishing out...I really think he would
have a fit...so I am dishonest or misleading on the subject, which doesn't
go real well with my walking the walk and not just talking the talk of
faith. Also my husband isn't a christian, denies it all. I am discouraged,
lonely, tired and depressed right now. I know I have to get back on
them..but I really don't want to..at this time I haven't crashed yet, but I
feel it coming..yet I like the temporarily feeling of being able to get off
of my lazy self and do some much need housework...my zoloft really makes me
tired and lazy..I just don't want to do anything..but I know pretty soon I
am going to not want to do anything anyway.as I feel myself slowly sinking
deeper and deeper into this despairing depression.So all said and done I
feel even more depressed.because I know I have to go back on them. I can't
keep trying new meds. because my insurance is only paying a percentage of
the prescriptions as I already maxed out my limit for the year of $
1,000.00. (Before that all I paid was a co-pay of anywhere from $5.00 to
$35.00.) Of course with no support from anyone I am so much confused and
despairing over my life..which again makes me more ashamed because I know I
am not suppose to feel this way if I was a real christian..so sometimes I do
question my faith, yet I know so strongly Jesus is the only rock in my
life...I wish I could do better. I have no family around here and the one
person I really was feeling comfort from was my pastor.he is been gone from
our church since the beginning of the year. He is such a wonderful
counselor I really miss being able to talk to him. So now I don't honestly
know where to go with my life...all I keep thinking is to pray.If I could
just get out of this negative attitude I could do so much better.
Also I rapid cycle with mixed episodes, I have severe panic attacks.so I
don't reach out to anyone else in the church.I think no one whould want
anything to do with me.I do go to a bible study once a week, that my pastor
encouraged me to go to and didn't give up on me.so I finally went and
haven't stopped going, even though many times I feel like it, I just want to
shut down. I have antisocial phobias and disorders. I so long to be involved
in my church but I can't seem to make that step.I start panicking just
thinking about it..don't' know why I know the people are really loving and
kind.
I had a really super friend so I thought until she dumped me because of my
bipolar. I had it coming I guess as I had a few episodes and she just didn'
t want to deal with me anymore.that was before I was on meds for
bipolar.pdoc first diagnosed me with severe clinical depression..I thought I
was just wacked when I was having these episodes did't know what they were
or why I was feeling this way..I have blown so much money in the past that
we lost our van due to not being able to make payments.
I guess I have rattled on a lot now, you are probably exhausted.. I promise
I won't do this again..but I really felt the need to share...
Yes I do have four children...Darren 15 boy, Gary 12 boy, Candace 11 girl
and Tiffany 7 girl. I love them dearly yet it can be so trying..yet I know
they keep me going.
I am at the point now where I really want to grow in my spiritual walk but I
have so much garbage to take care of in myself. So I sit here wondering
what do I do next, all I do is keep haging on to my faith..knowing one day
it will all be over when I get to heaven. Until then I just wish so much I
could be a better desciple and to be of some use.
It is really nice to be able to reach out and talk to someone who is also
bipolar and have a love for Christ. thanks for sharing yourself with
me...until next time your sister in Christ, Sue.
Welcome to CF, happy posting!
