I thought that this should be my first post here. May it be a blessing to you!
Before we moved from NC to Coeburn VA i used to drink a lot. I was so depressed i thought that the bottle would soften the pain i felt. So every weekend and even some week nights,i drank. I used to sit and drink a whole bottle of Scotch in less than a hour and for what. It did not stop the pain i felt or tame the rage i carried inside. One night though,it did bring it out! On a Friday night (after a bottle) while sitting in our computer room my best friend said something that for what ever reason caused me to lose it,i think it was something regarding the father i was to my son's but i really dont remember. It was not something he said on purpose to upset me but it did and i went into a rage that i was told the next day, shook the house! I was sitting in front of a large wood corner computer desk and with one hit i broke it half then i swung to both sides and made sure that there was only pieces left.
I hit the desk so hard that it caused the computer monitor to fly up and put a hole in the ceiling.i hit it so hard that my arms were cut and heavily bruised from it! I'm 6ft 7inch,330 pounds and it scares me even now to think what would have happened if it would have been my wife or child in front of me instead of a desk? All of that anger was a result the rage and hatred i had kept hidden from my family and friends,something that i thought i could handle but could not so it built up inside of me. I had a good life then, so where did all of that hate and anger come from? I really think it was Satan trying to kill me before i found the faith that i had been searching for,trying to kill me before i found the love of God!
After moving to VA i stopped drinking the hard stuff but starting drinking beer,a lot! A 6 pack every night and a case or more on the weekends. All during the first year or so my wife wanted me to go to church with her and i did a few times but because my heart and mind were still closed i got little from it. After losing control i no longer got really drunk but i did enjoy getting a good buzz from time to time and when i did,i wanted to talk about faith and God. It was my wife that caught the brunt of my anger when our discussions became more like an argument! So even though it would start out as a light hearted discussion,it would always end up as a shouting match.
I would tell my wife things such as, i blamed God for the loss of all of my family in the last 10 years and that i blamed him for the state of this world,what with all of the sin running rampant around the globe,it was his fault! I also said other things during this time but i also told her that even though i was hurting inside and angry at God,i still wanted to find my faith. My wife,God bless her,stayed strong no matter what i said. She stood her ground and told me that God loved me,that he would take away all of the rage and hate i felt inside,the suicidal thoughts i had....i just had to let him. I listened to her but the next day i forgot most of what,not only what she said but what i said as well. You know what,God was listening to us and he did not forget a thing. I thought i was forever lost but he had plains for me!
July of 2010 my youngest sun became sick. We nor our local doctor really had any idea as to what was wrong with him so they sent him to the Children's hospital in Kingsport TN. They ran many tests on him but could only come to one possible conclusion and that was he had some form of infection in his spinal cord caused by an insect bite,something that could end up being very bad for him! Needless to say it upset my wife and i greatly to know that our youngest son could be dying so after hearing this, i had to get out of that room!
I did not want to cry in front of my wife so i told her i would be back in a few and while outside,i told God that i would gladly take the place of my son,that i would do anything God wanted if he would just let my son be OK. Well,praise God ,he got better and is now a normal 2 year old that continues to find new ways to get on my last nerve! After everything i had been through up to this point i was pretty much beat down to the lowest point i had ever been in my life and it was at this point that i think.......God had finally gotten me where he wanted!
With out really seeing it i became what most would call a basket case. I could not look into the sky,watch certain movies or listen to certain songs with out crying. I was so hungry for Gods love that i was hurting inside because i thought that i would never find it. I did not know it yet but i had God love all along! So,as time progressed, i talked more and more with my wife (who's faith is very strong ) and told her what i was going through. She told me that i was under convection and that God was pulling on my heart strings trying to show me that he was there for me. So one night we both caught the last 20 minutes of Left Behind III.
At the point in the movie where they were gathered around their dying friend giving thanks to God for all that he had done for them,i began to cry. I did not understand what was going on with me at that time but i knew that i wanted what they had. I wanted to know that God was there for me.So badly in fact that when i tried to tell my wife,i could not find the words. I got up and walked out side with tears running down my face and i knew right there what i needed to do but i was still afraid. Why? I did not want to be one of those people who would pray for forgiveness and yet still live the same as before. To me that was an even bigger offence against God then to not be saved. I did not want to lie to God,i wanted to live for him in a way that he would be proud of and that was why i was afraid to ask for forgiveness. I was scared to death that i was going to disappoint him!
Well, I'm an long distance truck driver so it was about 2 weeks after realising that i needed God before i could get back home and go to church and it was during those two weeks that my wife called and said she had re-decated herself to God. On the following Sunday i went to church with my wife with no real intentions of giving myself to God but while sitting in church i felt that every word said,every song sung was for me and it was at that point that i felt the spirit move within me.
The time i set there seemed like years and i wanted to jump out of that seat and go running to God. I wanted to get on my knees and ask...no beg for forgiveness. I leaned over to my wife and told her that i was going to do it and asked if she would go with me,she said yes and when altar call was given we were the first ones there. With tears in my eyes i cried out to Jesus and even though the words i spoke out loud were few,my heart and soul was screaming out. And thank God, i was forgiven. Let me tell you that it really did feel like the weight of the world was lifted off of me. All of the hate,rage and self destructive thoughts i had were gone and i have never felt better!
A few things to think about.
Understand that if God had not saved me that day,if i would have not went to church and asked for his forgiveness then i would not be here today. Even with the love of my wife and kids i was very close to killing myself. No matter what i did it was not good enough and no matter what,i was never happy. Because of that i hated my life. I could not bare the thought of living this life anymore,i wanted to be released from it. Satan had worked so hard on me for so many years that i my strength was nearly gone but in God i found a power and strength that is impossible to describe and it was through the power of God love that Satan was finally cast out of my heart,never to return! Praise be to God all mighty!
With the sacrifice of Jesus we can see the strength of Gods love. The bible says in John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believth in him should not perish,but have everlasting life". God sent his son to die for us! Can you imagine the love that it would require to do this! Could you do this for a stranger? Understand that Jesus could have called down an army of angels at anytime to save him but he didn't. He was beaten,wiped,spit on and mocked by the very people that he was sent to save and yet even after all of that he still stretched out is arms and took our sins upon himself that day. He did not suffer because he was told to,he suffered because because he loves us!
It is in his death and resurrection that we find forgiveness. No matter what you have done in your life,he still loves you. No matter what you do from this day on,he will still love you and he will always forgive you. All you have to do is love and trust in him and you will be saved.
Think about it. After what he went through for us,dont you think we owe him that much?
Before we moved from NC to Coeburn VA i used to drink a lot. I was so depressed i thought that the bottle would soften the pain i felt. So every weekend and even some week nights,i drank. I used to sit and drink a whole bottle of Scotch in less than a hour and for what. It did not stop the pain i felt or tame the rage i carried inside. One night though,it did bring it out! On a Friday night (after a bottle) while sitting in our computer room my best friend said something that for what ever reason caused me to lose it,i think it was something regarding the father i was to my son's but i really dont remember. It was not something he said on purpose to upset me but it did and i went into a rage that i was told the next day, shook the house! I was sitting in front of a large wood corner computer desk and with one hit i broke it half then i swung to both sides and made sure that there was only pieces left.
I hit the desk so hard that it caused the computer monitor to fly up and put a hole in the ceiling.i hit it so hard that my arms were cut and heavily bruised from it! I'm 6ft 7inch,330 pounds and it scares me even now to think what would have happened if it would have been my wife or child in front of me instead of a desk? All of that anger was a result the rage and hatred i had kept hidden from my family and friends,something that i thought i could handle but could not so it built up inside of me. I had a good life then, so where did all of that hate and anger come from? I really think it was Satan trying to kill me before i found the faith that i had been searching for,trying to kill me before i found the love of God!
After moving to VA i stopped drinking the hard stuff but starting drinking beer,a lot! A 6 pack every night and a case or more on the weekends. All during the first year or so my wife wanted me to go to church with her and i did a few times but because my heart and mind were still closed i got little from it. After losing control i no longer got really drunk but i did enjoy getting a good buzz from time to time and when i did,i wanted to talk about faith and God. It was my wife that caught the brunt of my anger when our discussions became more like an argument! So even though it would start out as a light hearted discussion,it would always end up as a shouting match.
I would tell my wife things such as, i blamed God for the loss of all of my family in the last 10 years and that i blamed him for the state of this world,what with all of the sin running rampant around the globe,it was his fault! I also said other things during this time but i also told her that even though i was hurting inside and angry at God,i still wanted to find my faith. My wife,God bless her,stayed strong no matter what i said. She stood her ground and told me that God loved me,that he would take away all of the rage and hate i felt inside,the suicidal thoughts i had....i just had to let him. I listened to her but the next day i forgot most of what,not only what she said but what i said as well. You know what,God was listening to us and he did not forget a thing. I thought i was forever lost but he had plains for me!
July of 2010 my youngest sun became sick. We nor our local doctor really had any idea as to what was wrong with him so they sent him to the Children's hospital in Kingsport TN. They ran many tests on him but could only come to one possible conclusion and that was he had some form of infection in his spinal cord caused by an insect bite,something that could end up being very bad for him! Needless to say it upset my wife and i greatly to know that our youngest son could be dying so after hearing this, i had to get out of that room!
I did not want to cry in front of my wife so i told her i would be back in a few and while outside,i told God that i would gladly take the place of my son,that i would do anything God wanted if he would just let my son be OK. Well,praise God ,he got better and is now a normal 2 year old that continues to find new ways to get on my last nerve! After everything i had been through up to this point i was pretty much beat down to the lowest point i had ever been in my life and it was at this point that i think.......God had finally gotten me where he wanted!
With out really seeing it i became what most would call a basket case. I could not look into the sky,watch certain movies or listen to certain songs with out crying. I was so hungry for Gods love that i was hurting inside because i thought that i would never find it. I did not know it yet but i had God love all along! So,as time progressed, i talked more and more with my wife (who's faith is very strong ) and told her what i was going through. She told me that i was under convection and that God was pulling on my heart strings trying to show me that he was there for me. So one night we both caught the last 20 minutes of Left Behind III.
At the point in the movie where they were gathered around their dying friend giving thanks to God for all that he had done for them,i began to cry. I did not understand what was going on with me at that time but i knew that i wanted what they had. I wanted to know that God was there for me.So badly in fact that when i tried to tell my wife,i could not find the words. I got up and walked out side with tears running down my face and i knew right there what i needed to do but i was still afraid. Why? I did not want to be one of those people who would pray for forgiveness and yet still live the same as before. To me that was an even bigger offence against God then to not be saved. I did not want to lie to God,i wanted to live for him in a way that he would be proud of and that was why i was afraid to ask for forgiveness. I was scared to death that i was going to disappoint him!
Well, I'm an long distance truck driver so it was about 2 weeks after realising that i needed God before i could get back home and go to church and it was during those two weeks that my wife called and said she had re-decated herself to God. On the following Sunday i went to church with my wife with no real intentions of giving myself to God but while sitting in church i felt that every word said,every song sung was for me and it was at that point that i felt the spirit move within me.
The time i set there seemed like years and i wanted to jump out of that seat and go running to God. I wanted to get on my knees and ask...no beg for forgiveness. I leaned over to my wife and told her that i was going to do it and asked if she would go with me,she said yes and when altar call was given we were the first ones there. With tears in my eyes i cried out to Jesus and even though the words i spoke out loud were few,my heart and soul was screaming out. And thank God, i was forgiven. Let me tell you that it really did feel like the weight of the world was lifted off of me. All of the hate,rage and self destructive thoughts i had were gone and i have never felt better!
A few things to think about.
Understand that if God had not saved me that day,if i would have not went to church and asked for his forgiveness then i would not be here today. Even with the love of my wife and kids i was very close to killing myself. No matter what i did it was not good enough and no matter what,i was never happy. Because of that i hated my life. I could not bare the thought of living this life anymore,i wanted to be released from it. Satan had worked so hard on me for so many years that i my strength was nearly gone but in God i found a power and strength that is impossible to describe and it was through the power of God love that Satan was finally cast out of my heart,never to return! Praise be to God all mighty!
With the sacrifice of Jesus we can see the strength of Gods love. The bible says in John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believth in him should not perish,but have everlasting life". God sent his son to die for us! Can you imagine the love that it would require to do this! Could you do this for a stranger? Understand that Jesus could have called down an army of angels at anytime to save him but he didn't. He was beaten,wiped,spit on and mocked by the very people that he was sent to save and yet even after all of that he still stretched out is arms and took our sins upon himself that day. He did not suffer because he was told to,he suffered because because he loves us!
It is in his death and resurrection that we find forgiveness. No matter what you have done in your life,he still loves you. No matter what you do from this day on,he will still love you and he will always forgive you. All you have to do is love and trust in him and you will be saved.
Think about it. After what he went through for us,dont you think we owe him that much?
