L
laureenoluv8
Guest
Hey. My name is Lauren, and I was born in 1994. I was diagnosed with a mild case of autism in my toddler years, and it was assumed that I would live the rest of my life with the inability to communicate and learn and live like a normal person. But nope, they were wrong. After a few years of banging my head against walls, crying over little things, and not understanding concepts, I was able to do those things. After my special classes from ages 2-4, I was able to attend public schooling. I still do today. It was hard to learn all of these things when I was younger, but I'm thankful that God gifted me with these abilities.
I fell into depression in my middle school years, though. I began to be more aware of my negative surroundings, like my alcoholic mother, my dominating best friend, and my step father. In my younger years, all of these things were happening, but I was living in a fantasy world thinking it was all okay. To top it all off, my father disapeared from my life when I barely even knew him, and he kept making me feel bad for not giving him enough phone calls. I haven't got to visit him since 6th grade.
Basically, I had to mother my mom. I had to hide her keys so she wouldn't drive drunk. I hid her vodca in my room. I watered it down. I put it in the front yard for her friend to take away. I cleaned up after her messes, I cooked dinner most of the time, and I worried about her often. I had to put up with her foolishness...calling me names, blaming me for things, making me feel like I could be better....she was literally my happiness vacuum. So I spent more time away from home.
I was also made fun of in middle school. People thought I was nerdy, emo, weird, lonely, a FREAK. A girl in my english class got the whole room to make fun of me. I never stood up for myself...I didn't know how. I enjoyed making annoying noises and doing random childish stuff, and I remember people didn't like me for it. I had barely any friends until 7th grade, but even then I still felt alone. Like an annoying stupid fool.
My family condemned me for this too. My step dad would yell at me for arguing and making excuses, when most of the time I was just trying to ask a question or make a statement. I didn't understand the concept, I was completely unaware of my argumentive nature. Sometimes...I still don't understand. A part of my autism is that I can't let things go after they happen. Like sometimes I would hold onto an event for months, and bother people about it over and over because it wouldn't go away. I wanted people to help me with something they couldn't help. (I still do that sometimes) And I remember people, especially my family, yelling at me for it. I've lost a few friends due to this problem. One time my step dad mocked me for whining, and I didn't even know I was. I constantly felt like I was being ragged on for things I didn't do (but in truth I did them, I just didn't know).
My best friend pointed out all my faults and we always did what she wanted. She would not listen to me very often and her life was doused in hypocrisy. She hated it when I did certain things, but yet she did things that were very similar. The friendship was unfair to me. And I didn't know how to tell ANY OF THESE PEOPLE how much they were hurting me.
So I bottled all of this up for a long time. Then one day..I was planning on hanging out with my friends after I cleaned my room. But suddenly, I had an angry feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was sick of being misunderstood by everyone I knew. I was sick of feeling empty and worthless. And I wished that I didn't have autism. I felt like it ruined my whole life.
In anger, I turned on "Animal I Have Become" by Three Days Grace and began throwing things in my room. I smashed, teared, ripped, and destroyed many things in there. And finally, I took a glass dish and tossed it on the wall.
It shattered.
I sat down in fear of myself. I hated what I had become, and the darkness that I felt pulsing deep within. I felt like....a monster.
I took a piece of the glass, held out my wrist, and slit the skin terrain. I was bleeding non stop. The blood was everywhere. And as soon as I finished, I said "God, I'm sorry." (I've had a history of cutting since age 11, but this moment was very severe)
Luckily, I didn't cut too deep and I was okay. My friends were freaked out about it when they came over, and my best friend didn't understand why I had done such a thing.
In the midst of all of these things happening, my Grandma invited me to go to a non-denominational high school youth church. I decided to go, because I told myself I believed in God, but I really didn't know anything about God. This was the summer of my 8th grade year, since the church was only for incoming freshman and up to seniors. I did not learn much there, but I was able to pray for the first time. It was a weird experience that brought me to tears in the process.
Sometime later that July, I heard about a Christian Music Festival: Creation Fest. I still wasn't sure if I wanted to follow Christ, but I went anyway because Flyleaf was playing there.
I still felt depressed during this time. I actually hated everything about myself and wished I wasn't alive. But the thing that hit me was during the Flyleaf performance. If you type in "flyleaf creation all around me 2008" in youtube and click the 1st result, you'll see Lacey Mosley's testimony that I saw on God. I was somewhere in that crowd. Crying. After the testimony, while she was singing the song, I began to worship God with my hands in the air. I knew that there was much more to life than just living.
I learned a lot about God during the festival and heard numerous teachings. I was still deciding if I wanted to be a Christian, but I enjoyed learning about God anyway. I also joined a prayer group and lifted up my mother in deep prayer.
On the last day of the festival, I decided to get baptized. I felt a calling inside of me to go and do it, and I followed that calling. And when I was standing in the water next to the Pastor, he asked me if I wanted to accept Jesus as my Savior. I said yes, and I remember him saying something in response. Then I was taken underwater. As I came out, my hands lifted in the air. I smiled and looked to the sky, feeling like I had a reason to live. My world wasn't as dark.
When I got home, everyone noticed my changes. People in my life didn't really like it though, especially my non-christian best friend, and I let them block me from God. Still feeling depressed inside, I began to go back to my old ways. My mother still drank and people still condemned me. Sadly, I almost completely erased the memory of my baptism and all that I learned about God.
I went back to cutting, hating myself, blaming myself, etc. In the midst of that I still prayed often about my mother, praying that someday she would quit drinking. I was one of the few people who had faith in that.
After many weeks of prayer, my mother ended up going to rehab. She wasn't even forced to go, she did it out of FREE WILL. It was so amazing, I couldn't have been more happy for her.
When she left, I was still going back to my old ways. I ended up not going to that church anymore. During her time away, I ended up almost having sex with someone I only knew for a few weeks in my room while my step dad and brothers were at a friend's house watching the Super Bowl. We weren't actually planning on having sex, but we went pretty far making out.
And the thing is, I remember how awful I felt after that. I apologized to God and cried in my living room as soon as he left my house. I felt disgusting. The same thing happened when I would do anything bad.
After my mom got back from rehab, things were starting to turn over a new leaf. I was still going at it with my old ways until my friend's Mom asked me if I wanted to go to church with her. I accepted.
As I learned a lot of stuff at the church, I realized where I had been wrong. I was trying to hard to do things myself and I never asked the Lord for help on any of it. I was lost, broken, and confused. And after all the experiences (that i didn't mention in here) that I had, I had to believe in God. I remember as clear as water..just last Easter of 2010, I reaccepted Jesus in my life, crying on my friend's Mom's shoulder during a song called "Above All."
And after that, things began to change. I still had problems and doubts arose as I began to listen to skeptics views on why God isn't real, but I stuck close to Him anyway. I've dedicated myself to Christ after all of this, and I'm still trying my best to do so. I also went back to that high school church group, and they all missed me very much. They were glad I returned.
I believe it's a blessing that I can communicate and do things like a normal person. Maybe my autism isn't a curse, it's gift.
Thank you for reading my extremely long testimony. God bless.
I fell into depression in my middle school years, though. I began to be more aware of my negative surroundings, like my alcoholic mother, my dominating best friend, and my step father. In my younger years, all of these things were happening, but I was living in a fantasy world thinking it was all okay. To top it all off, my father disapeared from my life when I barely even knew him, and he kept making me feel bad for not giving him enough phone calls. I haven't got to visit him since 6th grade.
Basically, I had to mother my mom. I had to hide her keys so she wouldn't drive drunk. I hid her vodca in my room. I watered it down. I put it in the front yard for her friend to take away. I cleaned up after her messes, I cooked dinner most of the time, and I worried about her often. I had to put up with her foolishness...calling me names, blaming me for things, making me feel like I could be better....she was literally my happiness vacuum. So I spent more time away from home.
I was also made fun of in middle school. People thought I was nerdy, emo, weird, lonely, a FREAK. A girl in my english class got the whole room to make fun of me. I never stood up for myself...I didn't know how. I enjoyed making annoying noises and doing random childish stuff, and I remember people didn't like me for it. I had barely any friends until 7th grade, but even then I still felt alone. Like an annoying stupid fool.
My family condemned me for this too. My step dad would yell at me for arguing and making excuses, when most of the time I was just trying to ask a question or make a statement. I didn't understand the concept, I was completely unaware of my argumentive nature. Sometimes...I still don't understand. A part of my autism is that I can't let things go after they happen. Like sometimes I would hold onto an event for months, and bother people about it over and over because it wouldn't go away. I wanted people to help me with something they couldn't help. (I still do that sometimes) And I remember people, especially my family, yelling at me for it. I've lost a few friends due to this problem. One time my step dad mocked me for whining, and I didn't even know I was. I constantly felt like I was being ragged on for things I didn't do (but in truth I did them, I just didn't know).
My best friend pointed out all my faults and we always did what she wanted. She would not listen to me very often and her life was doused in hypocrisy. She hated it when I did certain things, but yet she did things that were very similar. The friendship was unfair to me. And I didn't know how to tell ANY OF THESE PEOPLE how much they were hurting me.
So I bottled all of this up for a long time. Then one day..I was planning on hanging out with my friends after I cleaned my room. But suddenly, I had an angry feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was sick of being misunderstood by everyone I knew. I was sick of feeling empty and worthless. And I wished that I didn't have autism. I felt like it ruined my whole life.
In anger, I turned on "Animal I Have Become" by Three Days Grace and began throwing things in my room. I smashed, teared, ripped, and destroyed many things in there. And finally, I took a glass dish and tossed it on the wall.
It shattered.
I sat down in fear of myself. I hated what I had become, and the darkness that I felt pulsing deep within. I felt like....a monster.
I took a piece of the glass, held out my wrist, and slit the skin terrain. I was bleeding non stop. The blood was everywhere. And as soon as I finished, I said "God, I'm sorry." (I've had a history of cutting since age 11, but this moment was very severe)
Luckily, I didn't cut too deep and I was okay. My friends were freaked out about it when they came over, and my best friend didn't understand why I had done such a thing.
In the midst of all of these things happening, my Grandma invited me to go to a non-denominational high school youth church. I decided to go, because I told myself I believed in God, but I really didn't know anything about God. This was the summer of my 8th grade year, since the church was only for incoming freshman and up to seniors. I did not learn much there, but I was able to pray for the first time. It was a weird experience that brought me to tears in the process.
Sometime later that July, I heard about a Christian Music Festival: Creation Fest. I still wasn't sure if I wanted to follow Christ, but I went anyway because Flyleaf was playing there.
I still felt depressed during this time. I actually hated everything about myself and wished I wasn't alive. But the thing that hit me was during the Flyleaf performance. If you type in "flyleaf creation all around me 2008" in youtube and click the 1st result, you'll see Lacey Mosley's testimony that I saw on God. I was somewhere in that crowd. Crying. After the testimony, while she was singing the song, I began to worship God with my hands in the air. I knew that there was much more to life than just living.
I learned a lot about God during the festival and heard numerous teachings. I was still deciding if I wanted to be a Christian, but I enjoyed learning about God anyway. I also joined a prayer group and lifted up my mother in deep prayer.
On the last day of the festival, I decided to get baptized. I felt a calling inside of me to go and do it, and I followed that calling. And when I was standing in the water next to the Pastor, he asked me if I wanted to accept Jesus as my Savior. I said yes, and I remember him saying something in response. Then I was taken underwater. As I came out, my hands lifted in the air. I smiled and looked to the sky, feeling like I had a reason to live. My world wasn't as dark.
When I got home, everyone noticed my changes. People in my life didn't really like it though, especially my non-christian best friend, and I let them block me from God. Still feeling depressed inside, I began to go back to my old ways. My mother still drank and people still condemned me. Sadly, I almost completely erased the memory of my baptism and all that I learned about God.
I went back to cutting, hating myself, blaming myself, etc. In the midst of that I still prayed often about my mother, praying that someday she would quit drinking. I was one of the few people who had faith in that.
After many weeks of prayer, my mother ended up going to rehab. She wasn't even forced to go, she did it out of FREE WILL. It was so amazing, I couldn't have been more happy for her.
When she left, I was still going back to my old ways. I ended up not going to that church anymore. During her time away, I ended up almost having sex with someone I only knew for a few weeks in my room while my step dad and brothers were at a friend's house watching the Super Bowl. We weren't actually planning on having sex, but we went pretty far making out.
And the thing is, I remember how awful I felt after that. I apologized to God and cried in my living room as soon as he left my house. I felt disgusting. The same thing happened when I would do anything bad.
After my mom got back from rehab, things were starting to turn over a new leaf. I was still going at it with my old ways until my friend's Mom asked me if I wanted to go to church with her. I accepted.
As I learned a lot of stuff at the church, I realized where I had been wrong. I was trying to hard to do things myself and I never asked the Lord for help on any of it. I was lost, broken, and confused. And after all the experiences (that i didn't mention in here) that I had, I had to believe in God. I remember as clear as water..just last Easter of 2010, I reaccepted Jesus in my life, crying on my friend's Mom's shoulder during a song called "Above All."
And after that, things began to change. I still had problems and doubts arose as I began to listen to skeptics views on why God isn't real, but I stuck close to Him anyway. I've dedicated myself to Christ after all of this, and I'm still trying my best to do so. I also went back to that high school church group, and they all missed me very much. They were glad I returned.
I believe it's a blessing that I can communicate and do things like a normal person. Maybe my autism isn't a curse, it's gift.
Thank you for reading my extremely long testimony. God bless.
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. I've liked it since middle school.
