- Mar 10, 2005
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really long...this is a verbatim testimony I shared with my church enjoy
I wish and pray that the sharing I will do tonight will be an encouragement to everyone. I grew to like sharing because it has done a great deal of healing for me and part of it is for you to get to know me better for me to be better plugged into this community. Most of the things I will be sharing will be something that happened in the span of 6 years. I would like to just briefly run through my childhood through high school, just briefly. I didnt have a happy childhood. I guess since I was a kid, Ive always wanted friends, which I seemed to lack. I think subconsciously Ive always wanted to be accepted by my peers and family. In school it was tough. I wasnt really a good student since it took awhile for me to learn it. Instead of having a lot of friends, I was always had been the one who was rejected and made fun of. I had few friends, but I remember being the one made fun of and pointed at. I was made fun of because I was too nice and too shy, because I hardly spoke a word in school. But I always sought that acceptance even through high school. In High school, I tried to win peoples acceptance by working hard in school and trying to be the best, a way of trying to prove to those around me that I wasnt a loser. I guess I thought if I did well in school and elsewhere, Id gain respect from my peers. I did have more friends and at some point I was considered semi-popular. But the pain of my childhood still carried along up to high school. It was tough in my senior year in high school since I became more aware of what was around me and I realized how lonely I was. I remember right before being a Christian that was the loneliest period and the darkest. I tried to fulfill that emptiness by school and chatting with strangers when AOL used to be so popular. In the summer of 1999, I was forced to go to this retreat that I didnt want to go. I didnt know anyone there though I attended that church for 4 years. I heard so many messages, but I heard the message about having a God-filled heart and it opened my eyes. But I didnt do much with it because I didnt have any guidance and it was the time when I started attending college. I was scared because I didnt know anyone at all. I was so scared. I had to face loneliness and insecurities over again. I want to jump to October 1999. I joined a ministry, which name I want to keep anonymous. I loved it at first. The worship was awesome where I would see at least the guys jumping up and down. They seemed very passionate about their faith. They were also nice people, I was just amazed how accepting they were to me. The sisters offered me to sleep over their place the evening I joined their ministry. I felt like no one had done this for me, ever. I got plugged right into the ministry. I was assigned to a small group leader, 2 years older who was just willing to sacrifice her time, to pray and spend time with me. Freshmen year was great. Though majority of them were guys, there were good share sisters that were in their junior year. Kim and I had small groups regularly where I grew a lot in faith as well as just knowledge about this newfound faith. But things grew rocky after my freshmen year ended. I realized that the guys and girls were also separate. We were really not supposed to be friends. I accepted that because I guess that was the way to grow in holiness and purity. I realized also (this is important part) that the leaders had a lot of control over their flocks. It didnt hit me consciously, but that time after my freshmen year ended, I felt like something was fishy. I personally thought that that was the way that a lot of churches ran because this was the first church I encountered after I became saved. I remember the summer after my freshmen year, I stayed in Pittsburgh (my school), and I remember having a small group meeting with Kim and I was the only one in it. I remember her saying that whatever that came out of her mouth was the voice of God. It did bother me, but I believed it. Things changed sophomore year. I felt I wasnt really excited about this Christianity thing as much as my freshmen year. It became progressively worse my junior and senior year. I dont want to go into too much because of time limit, but in general, they had called me rebellious if I didnt do things I was told to do by the leaders. Me and other people in the group (though it seemed like I was like the black sheep) were always called by the leaders and were told to do this, this, this, and that. I liked a guy in the ministry and I was told that I should surrender him because they didnt think we were good together. We had these meetings about this guy my junior year with 3 of the leaders including the pastors wife and I remember I felt like crying and everything. It was also tough because by the time when junior year started, the people 2 years older where there were a lot of them graduated and the ministry shrunk to a 1/3 of what it was. And guess what? I was basically the only sister in the ministry. It was like 7 guys and just me. And it was difficult because I was conditioned to believe to not to hang out with them and never be close to them, just as friends, and I took it seriously so I couldnt really talk to them either like strangers. This has ruined my perception of healthy friendships. But anyway, things got tougher and tougher. I had met with the pastor, his wife, or Kim, or even the guys leader, Ray, several times because I was rebellious or something and I always carried this high level of guilt and shame in my heart. In my junior year, I didnt know myself anymore. I felt like I sold my soul to this ministry because there was a lot required for me to contribute to this ministry. The ministrys intentions were good and that was what attracted me to this ministry. They went gungho about spiritual growth and saving the CMU or UPITT campus. They were very passionate and emotional people who seemed like they had sincere hearts. It was tough also because most were quiet and serious and though we spent a lot of time together, and I mean A LOT, I felt like none of us connected together. Part of it was that we were forced to build this community. More and more I felt miserable. I remember being kicked out of the leadership team because they felt I wasnt ready. I felt like I was not good enough for them. I felt like I could never measure up. I felt like they felt the sacrifice I put for this ministry was all worthless. I felt they had so much control with my life that I didnt know what was really going on. It had gotten so bad that everywhere Id go these leaders were hovering and looking over my actions. That happened for the 3 ½ years I was part of that ministry. I thought about leaving it but had not have the nerve to take action since I wouldnt know where to go afterwards and I was so conditioned by it. By then I didnt know how serious it was. I always thought it was because I was such a sinner and I was not good enough that I didnt feel ANY joy. I just went along because I also remember the good times, since there were good share of good moments too. These were people that Id see almost everyday. Senior year was the toughest. I fell into depression, and very heavily. At times it was just hard that I was in tears. Luckily, I enjoyed my classes so it didnt impact my schoolwork. Kim decided that she couldnt be my small group leader and I felt like I had failed her. The pastors wife took over to be my small group leader and I wasnt really close with her. I was intimidated by her. I felt like she had always showed favoritism towards the few younger girls, and I felt like I was such a disappointment that I didnt receive equal amount of love and attention. Instead shes said something along the line of grow up and be more independent since you are older, you dont need as much lovin. That made me lonelier. The first time I realized that there was really something wrong with the ministry was my senior year, first semester. I would spend vast time alone. I didnt want to be around them anymore. I felt like I couldnt really click with the brothers there since I was still the very few, the eldest sister there. The sisters were incoming freshmen and I felt like they were their own crowd. I felt like I just had to be an example to them. I was in my huge bout of depression that semester. Everything seemed far, and even though how much I call out to God, I felt like he couldnt hear me. I felt like I was stranger to a ministry and I felt like I couldnt be comfortable around them though they defined my college years. I thought about leaving it and even visited a church for one Sunday, but I didnt have the nerve to leave it then too. I remember I wasnt looking forward going back to Pittsburgh for my last semester. But I just went along and something happened. With a few personal situations and other issues that I had with this ministry, I left the ministry 4 months short of my college graduation. I couldnt deal with it anymore. I couldnt deal with the leaders hovering around me anymore and telling me to do this or that. I felt like something was really wrong, and that was the instance I felt it wasnt a healthy ministry and thus I left. I felt like I would be dying if I stayed any longer. It took much thought of leaving it, and it was the most painful decision I had ever made. It was a very painful moment. I am not kidding that this is about 2 years ago, February 7, 2003. I left a meeting crying in an escort bus, promising myself never to go back to it again. 2003 has been my toughest year. I wasnt really into school, I was looking forward to graduating. I was in depression all that year. I think the worst thing was that my relationships to everyone in that ministry changed. I even emailed a long email to Kim, the pastors wife, and to even the guys around my year, and no one responded. They did not respond to my email and I was deeply wounded. My connections with these people were completely broken. Though the next two years were the toughest, since this is a sharing that encourage people, I will do that too. I didnt see Gods hands healing me then, but He did in His mysterious ways. I tried shun people and I guess at this time, my trust for people were the lowest. I felt betrayed. I was hurt in ways I couldnt think it was this bad. Though I tried to have majority of my time alone, He managed to bring people into my life. The very next weekend, I boldly went to another church. There and in another ministry I met so many wonderful Christians brothers and sisters, well sisters since I was still very uncomfortable around the brothers. But slowly, I tried to get myself to meet people and make new friends. It was a way to cover so much pain. I have these two God-given friends who helped me through recovery process. They and others have been like angels on my side. Things were the worst right after graduation. I did attend graduate program right after college for statistics in Pittsburgh. But I dropped out because I didnt like it to the point of getting a graduate degree and also because I was just in too much pain to do any work. I saw myself crying every day and just screaming for Gods help. I tried to seek God, but I was just in too much depression that I couldnt think or do anything. For these years, I even went through psychiatrist visits and got several diagnoses, the first one in Pittsburgh diagnosed with bipolar which later was ruled out. I saw these people, these people whom I hung out everyday, the people I prayed with, the people who I grew to love, the people who defined my college experience. We passed by one another and pretended we never knew one another. I remember passing by Kim at a supermarket and we ignored one another. I wanted to say but I was too scared. It was the same day of my psychiatrist visit so. We had an all campus revival meeting, and besides one, no one said hi. I was crushed and broken. But I did try everything to remediate these broken relationships, but no one really responded. No one seemed to care. But God used these things for me to meet more people in different ministries that I went. I busied myself to meet people and get to know them, but at that time I felt that it didnt help me to recover from trauma (yes, it was pretty traumatic). Another psychiatrist a year later diagnosed me with a Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, until that was ruled out again. I stayed in Pittsburgh a semester after I graduated. But it was just a blessing to meet people and most importantly TO SEE THAT THAT WAS A UNIQUE MINISTRY, AND OTHER MINISTRIES DONT RUN THAT WAY. And in that way, I saw at least a little bit of hope. After I left Pittsburgh, I moved back home. After a month, I managed to find a wonderful church with wonderful people. It was tough because I always had the people at that ministry in my mind. It took a while to forgive them, and it was a huge lesson on forgiveness. All these ministries, KCQ, Highrock, ACF, KUPC, have really helped me in my healing process. It had helped me to meet the so many wonderful Christians and just start to heal me. It was hard for me in Boston for the first few months since I didnt know a lot of people in Boston. But I visited Highrock one Sunday of October, and saw it was totally the opposite of the ministry that I was sharing about. Im glad to be in this ministry, to be with such wonderful brothers and sisters. I guess I was attracted to this church because there is no expectation for people. We are free to become who we really are something that I did not experience in that first ministry. For the past two years, it has started that I did not know myself at all and having the people controlling my life to being part of wonderful communities in different cities and meeting people who are patient enough to be with me through thick and thin. God brought me these people to show that there is hope. With that ministry I talking about, Im still not ready to meet with them to at least attempt reconciliation. It hasnt been long since I got out of depression period but at a brief moment He showed me so much wonderful things. But I see that God really used it to live a more blessed, joyful life.
I wish and pray that the sharing I will do tonight will be an encouragement to everyone. I grew to like sharing because it has done a great deal of healing for me and part of it is for you to get to know me better for me to be better plugged into this community. Most of the things I will be sharing will be something that happened in the span of 6 years. I would like to just briefly run through my childhood through high school, just briefly. I didnt have a happy childhood. I guess since I was a kid, Ive always wanted friends, which I seemed to lack. I think subconsciously Ive always wanted to be accepted by my peers and family. In school it was tough. I wasnt really a good student since it took awhile for me to learn it. Instead of having a lot of friends, I was always had been the one who was rejected and made fun of. I had few friends, but I remember being the one made fun of and pointed at. I was made fun of because I was too nice and too shy, because I hardly spoke a word in school. But I always sought that acceptance even through high school. In High school, I tried to win peoples acceptance by working hard in school and trying to be the best, a way of trying to prove to those around me that I wasnt a loser. I guess I thought if I did well in school and elsewhere, Id gain respect from my peers. I did have more friends and at some point I was considered semi-popular. But the pain of my childhood still carried along up to high school. It was tough in my senior year in high school since I became more aware of what was around me and I realized how lonely I was. I remember right before being a Christian that was the loneliest period and the darkest. I tried to fulfill that emptiness by school and chatting with strangers when AOL used to be so popular. In the summer of 1999, I was forced to go to this retreat that I didnt want to go. I didnt know anyone there though I attended that church for 4 years. I heard so many messages, but I heard the message about having a God-filled heart and it opened my eyes. But I didnt do much with it because I didnt have any guidance and it was the time when I started attending college. I was scared because I didnt know anyone at all. I was so scared. I had to face loneliness and insecurities over again. I want to jump to October 1999. I joined a ministry, which name I want to keep anonymous. I loved it at first. The worship was awesome where I would see at least the guys jumping up and down. They seemed very passionate about their faith. They were also nice people, I was just amazed how accepting they were to me. The sisters offered me to sleep over their place the evening I joined their ministry. I felt like no one had done this for me, ever. I got plugged right into the ministry. I was assigned to a small group leader, 2 years older who was just willing to sacrifice her time, to pray and spend time with me. Freshmen year was great. Though majority of them were guys, there were good share sisters that were in their junior year. Kim and I had small groups regularly where I grew a lot in faith as well as just knowledge about this newfound faith. But things grew rocky after my freshmen year ended. I realized that the guys and girls were also separate. We were really not supposed to be friends. I accepted that because I guess that was the way to grow in holiness and purity. I realized also (this is important part) that the leaders had a lot of control over their flocks. It didnt hit me consciously, but that time after my freshmen year ended, I felt like something was fishy. I personally thought that that was the way that a lot of churches ran because this was the first church I encountered after I became saved. I remember the summer after my freshmen year, I stayed in Pittsburgh (my school), and I remember having a small group meeting with Kim and I was the only one in it. I remember her saying that whatever that came out of her mouth was the voice of God. It did bother me, but I believed it. Things changed sophomore year. I felt I wasnt really excited about this Christianity thing as much as my freshmen year. It became progressively worse my junior and senior year. I dont want to go into too much because of time limit, but in general, they had called me rebellious if I didnt do things I was told to do by the leaders. Me and other people in the group (though it seemed like I was like the black sheep) were always called by the leaders and were told to do this, this, this, and that. I liked a guy in the ministry and I was told that I should surrender him because they didnt think we were good together. We had these meetings about this guy my junior year with 3 of the leaders including the pastors wife and I remember I felt like crying and everything. It was also tough because by the time when junior year started, the people 2 years older where there were a lot of them graduated and the ministry shrunk to a 1/3 of what it was. And guess what? I was basically the only sister in the ministry. It was like 7 guys and just me. And it was difficult because I was conditioned to believe to not to hang out with them and never be close to them, just as friends, and I took it seriously so I couldnt really talk to them either like strangers. This has ruined my perception of healthy friendships. But anyway, things got tougher and tougher. I had met with the pastor, his wife, or Kim, or even the guys leader, Ray, several times because I was rebellious or something and I always carried this high level of guilt and shame in my heart. In my junior year, I didnt know myself anymore. I felt like I sold my soul to this ministry because there was a lot required for me to contribute to this ministry. The ministrys intentions were good and that was what attracted me to this ministry. They went gungho about spiritual growth and saving the CMU or UPITT campus. They were very passionate and emotional people who seemed like they had sincere hearts. It was tough also because most were quiet and serious and though we spent a lot of time together, and I mean A LOT, I felt like none of us connected together. Part of it was that we were forced to build this community. More and more I felt miserable. I remember being kicked out of the leadership team because they felt I wasnt ready. I felt like I was not good enough for them. I felt like I could never measure up. I felt like they felt the sacrifice I put for this ministry was all worthless. I felt they had so much control with my life that I didnt know what was really going on. It had gotten so bad that everywhere Id go these leaders were hovering and looking over my actions. That happened for the 3 ½ years I was part of that ministry. I thought about leaving it but had not have the nerve to take action since I wouldnt know where to go afterwards and I was so conditioned by it. By then I didnt know how serious it was. I always thought it was because I was such a sinner and I was not good enough that I didnt feel ANY joy. I just went along because I also remember the good times, since there were good share of good moments too. These were people that Id see almost everyday. Senior year was the toughest. I fell into depression, and very heavily. At times it was just hard that I was in tears. Luckily, I enjoyed my classes so it didnt impact my schoolwork. Kim decided that she couldnt be my small group leader and I felt like I had failed her. The pastors wife took over to be my small group leader and I wasnt really close with her. I was intimidated by her. I felt like she had always showed favoritism towards the few younger girls, and I felt like I was such a disappointment that I didnt receive equal amount of love and attention. Instead shes said something along the line of grow up and be more independent since you are older, you dont need as much lovin. That made me lonelier. The first time I realized that there was really something wrong with the ministry was my senior year, first semester. I would spend vast time alone. I didnt want to be around them anymore. I felt like I couldnt really click with the brothers there since I was still the very few, the eldest sister there. The sisters were incoming freshmen and I felt like they were their own crowd. I felt like I just had to be an example to them. I was in my huge bout of depression that semester. Everything seemed far, and even though how much I call out to God, I felt like he couldnt hear me. I felt like I was stranger to a ministry and I felt like I couldnt be comfortable around them though they defined my college years. I thought about leaving it and even visited a church for one Sunday, but I didnt have the nerve to leave it then too. I remember I wasnt looking forward going back to Pittsburgh for my last semester. But I just went along and something happened. With a few personal situations and other issues that I had with this ministry, I left the ministry 4 months short of my college graduation. I couldnt deal with it anymore. I couldnt deal with the leaders hovering around me anymore and telling me to do this or that. I felt like something was really wrong, and that was the instance I felt it wasnt a healthy ministry and thus I left. I felt like I would be dying if I stayed any longer. It took much thought of leaving it, and it was the most painful decision I had ever made. It was a very painful moment. I am not kidding that this is about 2 years ago, February 7, 2003. I left a meeting crying in an escort bus, promising myself never to go back to it again. 2003 has been my toughest year. I wasnt really into school, I was looking forward to graduating. I was in depression all that year. I think the worst thing was that my relationships to everyone in that ministry changed. I even emailed a long email to Kim, the pastors wife, and to even the guys around my year, and no one responded. They did not respond to my email and I was deeply wounded. My connections with these people were completely broken. Though the next two years were the toughest, since this is a sharing that encourage people, I will do that too. I didnt see Gods hands healing me then, but He did in His mysterious ways. I tried shun people and I guess at this time, my trust for people were the lowest. I felt betrayed. I was hurt in ways I couldnt think it was this bad. Though I tried to have majority of my time alone, He managed to bring people into my life. The very next weekend, I boldly went to another church. There and in another ministry I met so many wonderful Christians brothers and sisters, well sisters since I was still very uncomfortable around the brothers. But slowly, I tried to get myself to meet people and make new friends. It was a way to cover so much pain. I have these two God-given friends who helped me through recovery process. They and others have been like angels on my side. Things were the worst right after graduation. I did attend graduate program right after college for statistics in Pittsburgh. But I dropped out because I didnt like it to the point of getting a graduate degree and also because I was just in too much pain to do any work. I saw myself crying every day and just screaming for Gods help. I tried to seek God, but I was just in too much depression that I couldnt think or do anything. For these years, I even went through psychiatrist visits and got several diagnoses, the first one in Pittsburgh diagnosed with bipolar which later was ruled out. I saw these people, these people whom I hung out everyday, the people I prayed with, the people who I grew to love, the people who defined my college experience. We passed by one another and pretended we never knew one another. I remember passing by Kim at a supermarket and we ignored one another. I wanted to say but I was too scared. It was the same day of my psychiatrist visit so. We had an all campus revival meeting, and besides one, no one said hi. I was crushed and broken. But I did try everything to remediate these broken relationships, but no one really responded. No one seemed to care. But God used these things for me to meet more people in different ministries that I went. I busied myself to meet people and get to know them, but at that time I felt that it didnt help me to recover from trauma (yes, it was pretty traumatic). Another psychiatrist a year later diagnosed me with a Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, until that was ruled out again. I stayed in Pittsburgh a semester after I graduated. But it was just a blessing to meet people and most importantly TO SEE THAT THAT WAS A UNIQUE MINISTRY, AND OTHER MINISTRIES DONT RUN THAT WAY. And in that way, I saw at least a little bit of hope. After I left Pittsburgh, I moved back home. After a month, I managed to find a wonderful church with wonderful people. It was tough because I always had the people at that ministry in my mind. It took a while to forgive them, and it was a huge lesson on forgiveness. All these ministries, KCQ, Highrock, ACF, KUPC, have really helped me in my healing process. It had helped me to meet the so many wonderful Christians and just start to heal me. It was hard for me in Boston for the first few months since I didnt know a lot of people in Boston. But I visited Highrock one Sunday of October, and saw it was totally the opposite of the ministry that I was sharing about. Im glad to be in this ministry, to be with such wonderful brothers and sisters. I guess I was attracted to this church because there is no expectation for people. We are free to become who we really are something that I did not experience in that first ministry. For the past two years, it has started that I did not know myself at all and having the people controlling my life to being part of wonderful communities in different cities and meeting people who are patient enough to be with me through thick and thin. God brought me these people to show that there is hope. With that ministry I talking about, Im still not ready to meet with them to at least attempt reconciliation. It hasnt been long since I got out of depression period but at a brief moment He showed me so much wonderful things. But I see that God really used it to live a more blessed, joyful life.
It sounds like a group that I have heard of, that a friend of mine used to be mixed up with and that he is currently studying. Sharing your testimony like this takes courage and I think that it may help others in the same situation. 
