This is what I read out when I was baptised 18 months ago. I hope in encourages some of you.
Until I was about 14 I went to church. My Mum was a Christian and I went because I couldnt remember ever not going. I never really thought about it, until when I was 10 I was the victim of a serious crime and it turned everything upside down. I didnt really know about the Holy Spirit and stuff, and how he can use you all I knew was that I was angry with God for not protecting me.
I carried on going to church but found it harder and harder. I stopped taking communion cos it felt hypocritical. Of course the people at my church noticed this and I think they thought it was because I was listening to lots of rock music because I kept receiving leaflets about playing records backwards!!
Anyway, eventually I stopped going to church.
I started taking drugs and drinking a lot. I hung around in gangs, and had inappropriate relationships. I spent a lot of time feeling very angry and alone. I felt totally misunderstood by the people around me, and thought about suicide a lot.
When I was 19 I had a nervous breakdown. I was diagnosed with depression, and the darkness of that, plus up 50 odd panic attacks a day, completely wiped me out. I was total mess. I couldnt go out, I couldnt stay in. Id completely lost who I was. I moved back to my Mum and Dads. I was put on medication and over a few years went through various types of psychotherapy.
It got a bit better when I met my first serious boyfriend. We were together for four years. He was my whole life. I put all my trust, and love and security in him. My depression lifted a bit, and the year I moved in with him, I actually thought I was on my way to being normal and happy. But I guess I always had this nagging feeling of not being satisfied.
In 2001 I went to stay with a Christian friend of mine. Shed just got engaged and I was going to check out the fiancee! It turned out he was a real gunning for god type of guy, and when I started talking to him a bit about my past, he challenged me on some of my views about where God was in all of that. They asked if they could pray with me, I said yes, and repented of a few things during the prayer. It was emotional and afterwards I felt quite raw and vulnerable, but something had definitely moved me.
The next day I was thinking this is all very well, but there was no way on earth I was giving up my long term boyfriend. He was all I had. I prayed my first prayer for about 8 years and all I said was God, if you want me to be a Christian then please make my boyfriend a Christian too so I dont have to give him up!
The few weeks that followed were a bit weird. I couldnt stop thinking about my time being prayed for. All I could think was that God was probably what I needed, but there was no way I was giving up my boyfriend I loved him and didnt have the strength or the inclination to end it! One day when it was really doing my head in a voice in my head shouted PEACE! The next day my boyfriend left me for good.
I was completely devestated, but had a feeling deeply burried that it was kind of going to be ok. After about a week of being on my own I felt I should move to Brighton 100 miles from where I was living at the time. Within 24 hours a job and a flat had come my way !!!
I kind of figured that it wasnt me that was making these amazing things happen, so I went to see the Elder and his wife from the church I used to go to.
I told them everything that had been happening to me, and said I dont think its me doing all this.
Obviously theyd been praying for me for years, so their ears pricked up at this and as cooly as they could they said Oh, yeah? What could it be then?
I felt a bit stupid, and said Maybe God? Maybe I should say thank you or something.
They prayed with me, and I repented and asked God to enter into my life there and then. I was emotional, but totally amazing. For the first time I really received the spirit. Apparently I floated out of there!!
Ive been a christian about a year now. God has been amazing this year, but its been a rollercoaster with big highs and a few dips! I did Alpha last year, which prompted me on many issues that needed to be resolved. Although I still cant quite fathom the sacrfice, Gods forgiveness really has made me a new person! Lots of my non-christian friends say I seem to have changed. Im not so angry and stressy any more, Im not full of hate and desperation.
Even being placed here was Gods doing. My Cell group is so encouraging. Ive made loads of fantastic friends here at CCK, and recived great teaching and discipleship.
I was afraid Id never be good enough to be a Christian, but while God allows me to be me, he is helping me work through the stuff that doesnt need to fill my heart and head space I dont have to do ait all by myself! My depression still creeps up on me sometimes but now I realise I dont have to be self-destructive, because I have Jesus to turn to. I have no idea what God has in store for me or why he chose me especially as Ive proved to be a very slippery fish, but I know he loves me, and my security is in him.
Until I was about 14 I went to church. My Mum was a Christian and I went because I couldnt remember ever not going. I never really thought about it, until when I was 10 I was the victim of a serious crime and it turned everything upside down. I didnt really know about the Holy Spirit and stuff, and how he can use you all I knew was that I was angry with God for not protecting me.
I carried on going to church but found it harder and harder. I stopped taking communion cos it felt hypocritical. Of course the people at my church noticed this and I think they thought it was because I was listening to lots of rock music because I kept receiving leaflets about playing records backwards!!
Anyway, eventually I stopped going to church.
I started taking drugs and drinking a lot. I hung around in gangs, and had inappropriate relationships. I spent a lot of time feeling very angry and alone. I felt totally misunderstood by the people around me, and thought about suicide a lot.
When I was 19 I had a nervous breakdown. I was diagnosed with depression, and the darkness of that, plus up 50 odd panic attacks a day, completely wiped me out. I was total mess. I couldnt go out, I couldnt stay in. Id completely lost who I was. I moved back to my Mum and Dads. I was put on medication and over a few years went through various types of psychotherapy.
It got a bit better when I met my first serious boyfriend. We were together for four years. He was my whole life. I put all my trust, and love and security in him. My depression lifted a bit, and the year I moved in with him, I actually thought I was on my way to being normal and happy. But I guess I always had this nagging feeling of not being satisfied.
In 2001 I went to stay with a Christian friend of mine. Shed just got engaged and I was going to check out the fiancee! It turned out he was a real gunning for god type of guy, and when I started talking to him a bit about my past, he challenged me on some of my views about where God was in all of that. They asked if they could pray with me, I said yes, and repented of a few things during the prayer. It was emotional and afterwards I felt quite raw and vulnerable, but something had definitely moved me.
The next day I was thinking this is all very well, but there was no way on earth I was giving up my long term boyfriend. He was all I had. I prayed my first prayer for about 8 years and all I said was God, if you want me to be a Christian then please make my boyfriend a Christian too so I dont have to give him up!
The few weeks that followed were a bit weird. I couldnt stop thinking about my time being prayed for. All I could think was that God was probably what I needed, but there was no way I was giving up my boyfriend I loved him and didnt have the strength or the inclination to end it! One day when it was really doing my head in a voice in my head shouted PEACE! The next day my boyfriend left me for good.
I was completely devestated, but had a feeling deeply burried that it was kind of going to be ok. After about a week of being on my own I felt I should move to Brighton 100 miles from where I was living at the time. Within 24 hours a job and a flat had come my way !!!
I kind of figured that it wasnt me that was making these amazing things happen, so I went to see the Elder and his wife from the church I used to go to.
I told them everything that had been happening to me, and said I dont think its me doing all this.
Obviously theyd been praying for me for years, so their ears pricked up at this and as cooly as they could they said Oh, yeah? What could it be then?
I felt a bit stupid, and said Maybe God? Maybe I should say thank you or something.
They prayed with me, and I repented and asked God to enter into my life there and then. I was emotional, but totally amazing. For the first time I really received the spirit. Apparently I floated out of there!!
Ive been a christian about a year now. God has been amazing this year, but its been a rollercoaster with big highs and a few dips! I did Alpha last year, which prompted me on many issues that needed to be resolved. Although I still cant quite fathom the sacrfice, Gods forgiveness really has made me a new person! Lots of my non-christian friends say I seem to have changed. Im not so angry and stressy any more, Im not full of hate and desperation.
Even being placed here was Gods doing. My Cell group is so encouraging. Ive made loads of fantastic friends here at CCK, and recived great teaching and discipleship.
I was afraid Id never be good enough to be a Christian, but while God allows me to be me, he is helping me work through the stuff that doesnt need to fill my heart and head space I dont have to do ait all by myself! My depression still creeps up on me sometimes but now I realise I dont have to be self-destructive, because I have Jesus to turn to. I have no idea what God has in store for me or why he chose me especially as Ive proved to be a very slippery fish, but I know he loves me, and my security is in him.
