My struggles: Can anyone else relate?

[rileym022]

Hey guys, so I came here to share my struggles and see if there is anyone else that can relate. I don't even know how to describe my struggles. I guess you could consider it a form of pornography but it is all over the place. so here goes..

Currently what I am struggling with is going online and looking up stuff. lots of times it is craigslist or backpage ads. I have responded to a few but I wouldnt actually do the act. But then again at one point I was disgusted by how what I found online. And then I started going on chat sites and talking to people. It was harmless at first but gradually my shell of purity cracked and came off until I got to the point of sexting non stop. I never did nude pics but I came close. It was just sexual conversations, roleplay and such. And I hate to admit but I am good at it. I tried so many different things. I liked seeing what others were interested in and the different ways people sexted. Guys would send me pictures and I wouldn't look at first. But that curiosity was persistent. eventually they didn't look so gross anymore. I was addicted. It got to the point of me thinking why am I doing this? I always felt guilty the whole time but I guess I liked making people happy. But I felt bad about that too. I got bored with it but kept looking anyways. At one point I thought if I didn't stop, I wouldn't go to heaven. I stopped for about a month. Several times I have told God I am done, I don't have anymore desire for it, I won't go back, etc.. but guess what? I go back every time. Last night I downloaded the app Yik Yak and was on it for hours. I posted a lot of sexual things knowing it was people either at my college or the nearby college that were seeing it. they are both Christian colleges. I still got responses. that kind of scared me. Oh yeah, I should probably mention my thing with rape. So I am afraid of getting raped but here is the weird part: for some reason my mind is super messed up and I feel like I want to get raped so I know what it is like and to see how I would react. My mind thinks if it were to happen it would be great because then I would at least know what its like. I had rape roleplays with people while sexting. I read many rape stories(fictional and fantasy), I commented on a craigslist post about a rape fantasy. My mind is messed up. I know it is Satan. but anyways back to my current situation. I started going to counseling. at my last session we talked more about why maybe I feel the need to go online. I realized it is because I am lonely. I so badly long for a friend that I consider my closest friend and they feel the same way about me. I have a few really good friends but they have others that are of higher status than me you could say. My best friends rarely text me or talk to me unless in person unless I initiate and I hate doing that because I hate trying to make an effort when the other person has no desire to make the effort back. So I keep to myself sometimes. I feel unwanted. I also hate to admit it but I feel the need for a boyfriend. But I feel like I need God way more first. I just have a desire to be loved here on Earth in a way I havent been yet. I want someone to wrap their arm around me and hold my hand. I want to be touched. I want a God-honoring relationship, something to get my mind back in the right place. I don't think God wants me to date right now though so somehow I have to figure all this out. I just need a really strong connection with someone. And I need Jesus. He has already offered me everything I need, He should be enough. I want to make Him enough until He lets me have a little more but it is so difficult. expecially when I feel like the struggles I am going through are only mine. I know a lot more Christian females are getting addicted to pornography but what about sexting and looking at craigslist ads? Can anyone else relate?
sorry this is so long...

 

[Charbel7]

Hello Riley,

Even though i'm younger than you i do understand a lot about Psychology,Media and Internet so please read my post carefully it will inspire you.

How to deal with situations like your one :

First step is understanding you did something wrong, admitting it and you already did it.

Second step is understanding what is the reason for the whole situation? As you mentioned you feel the need for a boyfriend so it's obvious.

Now that you understand why and how did you get to this place you must know how to fix everything and it's pretty easy.

You must understand that the whole pornography thing is based on fiction it's not even real it just ruins your brain and i'm pretty sure sex isn't everything in life because as far as i know Sex is for reproduction and even though it does give pleasure you must understand that sex isn't healthy as the media and internet says it obviously doesn't develop your muscles faster and it doesn't help you with anything it does in fact hurt you and your health so why putting yourself in danger (AIDS,HIV and much more diseases).

You must understand and believe that pornography doesn't have to do anything with sex because sex is just between partners who will live together and reproduct sooner or later, you must not get addicted to it because it is the same as smoking it's a mental problem more like psychological problem that also affects your health.

Now that you understand that the whole thing is just psychological you should understand that you control your brain and you control what you did, what you are doing and what you are going to do so you should basically eliminate the past yes you should eliminate your whole past and start everything again (Which means forgetting about everything you did because what happened in the past stays in the past and it should not affect your future in anyway however there are exceptions and your case isn't one which means you can forget about it and start a new life.).

Which means you should leave pornography and sex behind because if you will stay this way you won't have a good future, so basically if you are in a college study hard and get the best grades you can in order to have a great career in the future and believe me if you focus on your education you'll find a person who will love you because there are still educated guys who are searching for educated girls they didn't disappear there is bad and there is good on earth which means you must not follow the bad you must follow the good and education is not just good it is great.

Start going to church more often i'm sure there are religious guys your age who would be interested in a religious girl if she is a good person however you must understand that education is way more important than a stupid relationship that wouldn't help you anyways you must also seek a lifetime relationship which means a one that leads you to marriage and children not just for "fun".

Now lets move to the sinning part, you did sin and you admitted it now it's time to fix it by asking for God forgiveness and starting to change.

Remove all the nude pictures,video or whatever you posted, remove all your accounts in those websites and stop being scared of rape no one is going to rape you, there is a police in every country which should protect every single citizen so if you think someone is following you you must quickly contact the police.

I hope my post helped you,

Have a blessed day.

 

[Johnnz]

Some quick comments.

Partly at least that exhibits that you have become aware of your sexuality and want to express it in some way.

You may have a high sex drive, but not necessarily.

I suspect there are background factors in your life that were hurtful and confusing. They need to be examined and better understood.

Jesus is right there. He has not abandoned you.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[1watchman]

I would add a very fundamental truth and remedy ---getting the Lord Jesus into your heart and not just in your brain. Intellectualizing Christ is neither salvation nor spirituality. One needs a personal relationship with God through His beloved Son --the Lord Jesus, the Christ of God. When one has thus received Jesus and thanked Him for going to the Cross for one's sins, one can continue in fellowship with Him daily (as "born again"), and reading His Word daily. Make Jesus Christ your best Friend and life will be very good.

Then one can begin to see His presence and availability for all help (note 1 Jn. 1:9-10). Have you read John 3 and John 14? These are very important messages. Look up always, and get serious about living for God for blessings.

 

[rileym022]

I was actually born again before all this happened. I just looked at a craigslist ad once and then started chatting with guys out if lonliness and eventually fell into the devils trap. And now I cant get out

 

[yuppers]

I haven't gone through the exact same things, but I can relate to your post a lot. God has been helping me to over come my problems, so I will try to help you. I'll start by saying your on the right track by coming on here to get help.

I've been struggling with lonelieness for over a year now. I know the feeling of wanting someone to love you. That feeling is part of our human nature.... I'll be honest here and say I had an addiction to porn because I was looking for a feeling of love to. Every time I felt lonley I would get a draw towards it. A little part of me would cringe when I looked at it but the feeling of "love" would be too good. After I was done though I would always feel guilty.

You have to start understanding that sexting isn't love. When you talk to the guys online those feelings aren't love, it's an allusion. Once you start feeling in your heart that you can't find the love you want in guys ask god for help. The feelings you get now will become smaller. God can help you to overcome what your going through. But, god can only help you if you want his help. Don't just pray from your mind, pray from your heart. If you truely know what your doing won't help your lonelieness god can fell that hole for you.

I'll leave it at that. I'll pray for you tonight. If you have questions you can pm me back. I hope I helped a little. God loves you more that any boyfriend or guy on the Internet. Your worth more to god.

 

[rileym022]

Thank you. That is helpful. It is also nice hearing from someone who has gone through something similar. so thanks

 

[KnowHisJoy77]

I could not read much because there were no paragraph and its difficult to read in my phone screen with my reading glass etc

if I understood right you have sexual addictions. Look in your area for a support group 12 steps called Celebrate Recovery. There are weekly meetings, same gender. You need to socialize, find support and make deep connections with women going through same and other issues. Necessary to start having boundaries with men, to stop engaging men for power playing seductive games etc the Bible is very clear about to not engage in sexual sins. I pray that you become pro active, look for help and support off line. If necessary get rid of your computer, put filters, look for accountability partners.

God bless!