- Oct 30, 2009
- 1,907
- 392
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
I've been sitting here all night, trying to get this post started. A couple of things have been stopping me. One, I was afraid that once I started typing, this would turn into a thousand word long post. Second, I was afraid that any account of the massive amount of abuse which I have suffered in my lifetime would sound like a self-pitying rant. (and nobody likes a whiner) So I will try to keep this as brief, concise, and to-the-point as possible.
I suffered physical, verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse at home, in school, in the work place, and in church since my earliest recollections. I am a shattered, emotional mess from it - and I have led a devastated wreck of a life, which was ruined because of the various forms of abuse which I suffered. I was bullied, mocked, made fun of, intimidated, threatened with violence, and actually physically beaten - by family members at home, by classmates in school, and by coworkers at jobs.
I feel like I was denied basic respect (which other people take for granted), and I feel like I was looked down upon by others as a lower form of life. I was used by others to serve their own agendas. And every bully in my immediate vicinity seemed to sense my personal weakness; and interpreted my weakness as an invitation to abuse me in various ways and to various degrees.
In recent days, a particular anecdote from my past has been causing me emotional suffering. I have felt bouts of powerful rage over the past few days, while thinking about this story from my past. And it is strange that this particular story should be provoking such strong feelings in me, since this incident is small potatoes compared to some of the other things which people have done to me in my lifetime. Well, onto the story......
When I was 19 years old, I had my wisdom teeth removed at the dentist's office. I was under general anesthesia for the procedure. Having one's wisdom teeth removed isn't the biggest deal in the world. It isn't a major operation. It is done on an outpatient basis, and I went home as soon as it was over. But it is very painful, and it is usually performed while the person is knocked out under general anesthesia. (as I was) I had stitches put in my mouth by the dentist, to close the wounds from where the teeth were removed. And the wounds still bled to some degree in spite of the stitches. And narcotic pain medication was prescribed for me, to deal with the pain which would be with me for at least the next day or two.
Now this is the part of the story which enrages me. My mother was there at the dentist's office with me, to accompany me home, since I was groggy from the anesthesia. When the nurse reached out her hand towards me, to hand me the few days worth of pain killer medicine which was prescribed for me, my mother reached in from the side and snatched the medicine away from me and stuffed it right into her purse. It wasn't a paper prescription, which needed to be filled at a pharmacy. It was an actual small bottle, containing Tylenol with Codeine. The nurse reached straight towards me, and my mother intercepted the pass, and stuffed my medicine bottle right into her own purse. I was not a child anymore, at least not legally a child. (Though I have been an emotionally stunted child on the inside my entire life) I don't remember if I was 18, 19, or 20 years old at the time. But the point is that I was no longer a minor, so my mother had no right to seize my medicine from me like that.
And here is the part which really enrages me. I was allowed to have exactly one of the pills which were contained in the bottle. My mother gave me one pill, and she made me feel like she was doing me a tremendous favor by allowing me to even have that one pill - to ease the real physical pain which I was in from the dental surgery. I don't know exactly how many pills were in that small bottle, but it was certainly more than one. Maybe there was two, four, six, or maybe even eight pills in the bottle. I was granted one pill, and I was made to feel like a big favor was being done for me. (Even though I was legally entitled to every last pill in that bottle. They were prescribed for me. And it is illegal to transfer narcotic pain killers to anyone besides the person for whom they were prescribed) I was never a druggie. I had never used illicit drugs. I had no history of drug abuse to that point in time. So my mother could not use that as an excuse to deprive me of the medicine to which I was entitled.
And now here is the worst part of all. I believe that the other Codeine pills which I was given by the dentist, but deprived of by my mother, were given away by my mother - either to my father or to my grandmother. (my mother's mother) I believe that my mother gave my pills to one or both of those two people, in order to try to win their approval or to buy some temporary peace with them.
Both my father and my grandmother were very demanding and abusive people. My mother was clearly afraid of both of them. And she had to constantly appease both of them in various ways to buy even a day or two of peace from them. My grandmother hen pecked everyone in sight on a regular basis, especially my mother. And my father was a violent, mentally ill lunatic - who physically terrorized my entire family for decades. He occasionally committed horrifying acts of violence towards myself, my three siblings, and my mother. And he threatened all of us with extreme violence on a very frequent basis. My mother had to continually bend over backwards to appease my father and grandmother, just to get a few days of peace at a time. That is tragic for her, and for me, and for all of my siblings. My father made our lives a constant state of hell. But that still gave her no right to steal my medicine from me, and give it to my father to try to shut him up for a while.
So to sum this story up.......
I had a real dental procedure done, which required anesthesia and stitches, and Tylenol with Codeine was legitimately prescribed to me to deal with the pain which I would feel afterwards. The bottle of medicine was practically ripped out of my hand by my mother and stuffed into her purse. I was "allowed" to have one single pill later that day - and I was shamed for it by my mother; by her making it seem like she was doing me a favor by giving me the one pill. The remaining Codeine pills (which were stolen from me) were diverted to either my grandmother, or my father, or were divided between the two of them. (I can say with 99 percent certainty that my mother didn't just flush the remaining pills down the toilet. I feel comfortable in believing that she gave them to someone as a trade-off for physical peace with my father, or emotional peace with my grandmother) I was allowed to suffer an unnecessary amount of physical pain, by virtue of having my pain medicine taken away from me. It was more important to my mother to illegally seize my medicine, and use it as a bargaining chip to trade to other members of my family, who were deemed to be more important than I was.
And that is the bottom line of my entire life - both with the members of my own birth family, and with the people who I have had to deal with out in the world. I was, and continue to be, the least important person around. My needs were never taken seriously. Indeed, I was mocked for even having needs at all. The needs and wants of other people always trump my own needs and wants. I just don't matter. I am, and continue to be, a pawn - who exists to serve the agendas of other people - who are so much more important than I am.
I have no earthly reason to feel good about myself. I have no desire to serve as a martyr; patiently "serving the needs of others" for the sake of Christ. I am tired of being kicked around, and I don't want to be a good sport about being kicked around - not even for the sake of Jesus Christ Himself.
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.
I suffered physical, verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse at home, in school, in the work place, and in church since my earliest recollections. I am a shattered, emotional mess from it - and I have led a devastated wreck of a life, which was ruined because of the various forms of abuse which I suffered. I was bullied, mocked, made fun of, intimidated, threatened with violence, and actually physically beaten - by family members at home, by classmates in school, and by coworkers at jobs.
I feel like I was denied basic respect (which other people take for granted), and I feel like I was looked down upon by others as a lower form of life. I was used by others to serve their own agendas. And every bully in my immediate vicinity seemed to sense my personal weakness; and interpreted my weakness as an invitation to abuse me in various ways and to various degrees.
In recent days, a particular anecdote from my past has been causing me emotional suffering. I have felt bouts of powerful rage over the past few days, while thinking about this story from my past. And it is strange that this particular story should be provoking such strong feelings in me, since this incident is small potatoes compared to some of the other things which people have done to me in my lifetime. Well, onto the story......
When I was 19 years old, I had my wisdom teeth removed at the dentist's office. I was under general anesthesia for the procedure. Having one's wisdom teeth removed isn't the biggest deal in the world. It isn't a major operation. It is done on an outpatient basis, and I went home as soon as it was over. But it is very painful, and it is usually performed while the person is knocked out under general anesthesia. (as I was) I had stitches put in my mouth by the dentist, to close the wounds from where the teeth were removed. And the wounds still bled to some degree in spite of the stitches. And narcotic pain medication was prescribed for me, to deal with the pain which would be with me for at least the next day or two.
Now this is the part of the story which enrages me. My mother was there at the dentist's office with me, to accompany me home, since I was groggy from the anesthesia. When the nurse reached out her hand towards me, to hand me the few days worth of pain killer medicine which was prescribed for me, my mother reached in from the side and snatched the medicine away from me and stuffed it right into her purse. It wasn't a paper prescription, which needed to be filled at a pharmacy. It was an actual small bottle, containing Tylenol with Codeine. The nurse reached straight towards me, and my mother intercepted the pass, and stuffed my medicine bottle right into her own purse. I was not a child anymore, at least not legally a child. (Though I have been an emotionally stunted child on the inside my entire life) I don't remember if I was 18, 19, or 20 years old at the time. But the point is that I was no longer a minor, so my mother had no right to seize my medicine from me like that.
And here is the part which really enrages me. I was allowed to have exactly one of the pills which were contained in the bottle. My mother gave me one pill, and she made me feel like she was doing me a tremendous favor by allowing me to even have that one pill - to ease the real physical pain which I was in from the dental surgery. I don't know exactly how many pills were in that small bottle, but it was certainly more than one. Maybe there was two, four, six, or maybe even eight pills in the bottle. I was granted one pill, and I was made to feel like a big favor was being done for me. (Even though I was legally entitled to every last pill in that bottle. They were prescribed for me. And it is illegal to transfer narcotic pain killers to anyone besides the person for whom they were prescribed) I was never a druggie. I had never used illicit drugs. I had no history of drug abuse to that point in time. So my mother could not use that as an excuse to deprive me of the medicine to which I was entitled.
And now here is the worst part of all. I believe that the other Codeine pills which I was given by the dentist, but deprived of by my mother, were given away by my mother - either to my father or to my grandmother. (my mother's mother) I believe that my mother gave my pills to one or both of those two people, in order to try to win their approval or to buy some temporary peace with them.
Both my father and my grandmother were very demanding and abusive people. My mother was clearly afraid of both of them. And she had to constantly appease both of them in various ways to buy even a day or two of peace from them. My grandmother hen pecked everyone in sight on a regular basis, especially my mother. And my father was a violent, mentally ill lunatic - who physically terrorized my entire family for decades. He occasionally committed horrifying acts of violence towards myself, my three siblings, and my mother. And he threatened all of us with extreme violence on a very frequent basis. My mother had to continually bend over backwards to appease my father and grandmother, just to get a few days of peace at a time. That is tragic for her, and for me, and for all of my siblings. My father made our lives a constant state of hell. But that still gave her no right to steal my medicine from me, and give it to my father to try to shut him up for a while.
So to sum this story up.......
I had a real dental procedure done, which required anesthesia and stitches, and Tylenol with Codeine was legitimately prescribed to me to deal with the pain which I would feel afterwards. The bottle of medicine was practically ripped out of my hand by my mother and stuffed into her purse. I was "allowed" to have one single pill later that day - and I was shamed for it by my mother; by her making it seem like she was doing me a favor by giving me the one pill. The remaining Codeine pills (which were stolen from me) were diverted to either my grandmother, or my father, or were divided between the two of them. (I can say with 99 percent certainty that my mother didn't just flush the remaining pills down the toilet. I feel comfortable in believing that she gave them to someone as a trade-off for physical peace with my father, or emotional peace with my grandmother) I was allowed to suffer an unnecessary amount of physical pain, by virtue of having my pain medicine taken away from me. It was more important to my mother to illegally seize my medicine, and use it as a bargaining chip to trade to other members of my family, who were deemed to be more important than I was.
And that is the bottom line of my entire life - both with the members of my own birth family, and with the people who I have had to deal with out in the world. I was, and continue to be, the least important person around. My needs were never taken seriously. Indeed, I was mocked for even having needs at all. The needs and wants of other people always trump my own needs and wants. I just don't matter. I am, and continue to be, a pawn - who exists to serve the agendas of other people - who are so much more important than I am.
I have no earthly reason to feel good about myself. I have no desire to serve as a martyr; patiently "serving the needs of others" for the sake of Christ. I am tired of being kicked around, and I don't want to be a good sport about being kicked around - not even for the sake of Jesus Christ Himself.
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.
