I feel quiet shy about sharing my testimony as I haven't shared it since I got baptised when I was about 16 and a lot has happened since then.
Ok...I was born to a christian family and did the normal going to church every Sunday. I did have the usual struggles with peer-pressure as all young teenage christians have...sex, drugs, drink, rebellion - which I managed to come out of without being too stupid. I was ill quite a lot throughout secondary school and sixth form that caused depression in both me and my parents. I also had to re-do one of my years as I missed too much school. It was unnerving because I had to make new friends while my other mates went off to Uni without me. I was a lot better though after that, and I got a boyfriend. A non-christian goth who was 5ft 6inches and built like a rugby player. I went out with him because he didn't really have any friends and I felt I could help him.
Anyway, my sister and I fell out about him because she felt very strongly about me going out with a non-christian. After about a week of dating, he started pushing for things and when I didn't want to do them he forced me into them. This continued for 4 months because I felt it would be failing to give up and I was also ashamed. I felt all the emotions that someone feels when abused sexually and physically. I was in shock because those kind of things don't happen to a normal girl from a christian family. I never told anyone until after I had broken up with him and it took me 6 months to tell my family cos I couldn't bare to hurt them as they would feel guilty for not knowing.
During the first 6 months after ending the relationship I slipped into depression caused by post-traumatic stress and in the end I decided I had to see a counsellor before I self-destructed. I also lost my faith in God through this time, I couldn't bare to let someone in...be vulnerable infront of them.
The first counsellor was not right for me and made me feel worse so I asked to see another one and she was fantastic, although I only had 6 sessions. I made a decision to be open with her and to talk about it because secret things become something to be ashamed of. I decided that it wasn't something I should ashamed of. My family were also very supportive and helped me. I didn't always go to college because sometimes I found it too difficult to cope with seeing him and I was on anti-depressants and sleeping tablets to cope with nightmares. However, my college was really helpful as well and as a family we went in and talked to them about it.
As the months progressed I made the decision to come off anti-depressants and try to do it alone. I found it very difficult and although I couldn't face going to church I slowly made advances in talking to God. There were some very dark times and I once nearly committed suicide to get away from the nightmares. However, I realised that the nightmares were actually good because after each one the memories became slightly easier to cope with because I would only have nightmares that my brain could cope with and I realised that each worsening nightmare meant that I was coming to terms with what had happened.
I read a book which helped me aswell...I can't remember the name but there was a quote in it which I keep with me...
"Never have regrets because they were the only choices you could have made because of who you were at the time."
I did my exams and got to university, on a course I'm enjoying so much and started to go back to church and cell group and christian union.
My faith is still shaky and I find it slightly difficult to be vulnerable but I thank God that I have such an obvious thing to work on...I am excited about the journey ahead of me. I also know that nothing can make me stop believing in God or loving him now. I thank him for that experience and I truly would go through it all again to become the person I am now and to learn all I have. Pain makes a person mature and helps them to relate to others who have gone through similar things. It was important for me to do that and although I may not be the 'best christian' in the world...I know I will always be a christian because not being one is no longer an option and my belief in God is so strong nothing can make it disappear.
Ok...I was born to a christian family and did the normal going to church every Sunday. I did have the usual struggles with peer-pressure as all young teenage christians have...sex, drugs, drink, rebellion - which I managed to come out of without being too stupid. I was ill quite a lot throughout secondary school and sixth form that caused depression in both me and my parents. I also had to re-do one of my years as I missed too much school. It was unnerving because I had to make new friends while my other mates went off to Uni without me. I was a lot better though after that, and I got a boyfriend. A non-christian goth who was 5ft 6inches and built like a rugby player. I went out with him because he didn't really have any friends and I felt I could help him.
Anyway, my sister and I fell out about him because she felt very strongly about me going out with a non-christian. After about a week of dating, he started pushing for things and when I didn't want to do them he forced me into them. This continued for 4 months because I felt it would be failing to give up and I was also ashamed. I felt all the emotions that someone feels when abused sexually and physically. I was in shock because those kind of things don't happen to a normal girl from a christian family. I never told anyone until after I had broken up with him and it took me 6 months to tell my family cos I couldn't bare to hurt them as they would feel guilty for not knowing.
During the first 6 months after ending the relationship I slipped into depression caused by post-traumatic stress and in the end I decided I had to see a counsellor before I self-destructed. I also lost my faith in God through this time, I couldn't bare to let someone in...be vulnerable infront of them.
The first counsellor was not right for me and made me feel worse so I asked to see another one and she was fantastic, although I only had 6 sessions. I made a decision to be open with her and to talk about it because secret things become something to be ashamed of. I decided that it wasn't something I should ashamed of. My family were also very supportive and helped me. I didn't always go to college because sometimes I found it too difficult to cope with seeing him and I was on anti-depressants and sleeping tablets to cope with nightmares. However, my college was really helpful as well and as a family we went in and talked to them about it.
As the months progressed I made the decision to come off anti-depressants and try to do it alone. I found it very difficult and although I couldn't face going to church I slowly made advances in talking to God. There were some very dark times and I once nearly committed suicide to get away from the nightmares. However, I realised that the nightmares were actually good because after each one the memories became slightly easier to cope with because I would only have nightmares that my brain could cope with and I realised that each worsening nightmare meant that I was coming to terms with what had happened.
I read a book which helped me aswell...I can't remember the name but there was a quote in it which I keep with me...
"Never have regrets because they were the only choices you could have made because of who you were at the time."
I did my exams and got to university, on a course I'm enjoying so much and started to go back to church and cell group and christian union.
My faith is still shaky and I find it slightly difficult to be vulnerable but I thank God that I have such an obvious thing to work on...I am excited about the journey ahead of me. I also know that nothing can make me stop believing in God or loving him now. I thank him for that experience and I truly would go through it all again to become the person I am now and to learn all I have. Pain makes a person mature and helps them to relate to others who have gone through similar things. It was important for me to do that and although I may not be the 'best christian' in the world...I know I will always be a christian because not being one is no longer an option and my belief in God is so strong nothing can make it disappear.
