My story

[puttytat190]

I am writing a story called Horse Island.It is a fiction story with a imaginary island . the island is a peanal colony.I am going to post this story but please do not copy and use my story for your own puposes. just read and comment.I will start in the next post

 

[puttytat190]

Emmy my friend was teasing me about this guy at school at school, and saying I liked him. "He just loves your honey brown ahir and petite figure Julie!"She said teasingly.
"Oh,no, He loves your your yellow honeysuckle hair and womanly figure more " I retorted. After a long a creak walk we had taken .We had been outside my house for a while now joking around. Out of the blue my Mom is calling me inside. “Julie I need you to come inside now dear.”
Ma, Should Emmy go or can she wait a sec while we talk?” I asked subdued. Ma had been acting strange of late. “ This is going to take a while Julie she needs to go home.”
Mrs. Tanner I have a awful lot of patience I will wait.” Emmy can be awful stubborn sometimes and I got the feeling this was going to be one of those times. People always practically worship her, because of her rare red hair so she usually gets her way. Most islanders have brown, black or blond hair.
I’m afraid this is a family matter that will take a while and you need to leave now Emmy!” I could tell by mom’s voice she meant it so I told Emmy to go and headed in.

I have edited this post

 

[puttytat190]

“Ma! What is so important, that Emmy had to go?” I was mad but knew I had to tread carefully because Ma looked upset. Oh, Julie how do I say this? I have always imagined this moment but not like this. Ma, looked at the verge of tears so I tried to calm her. “Ma, everything is okay I’m just a bit upset.”Ma started to pace about our small kitchen. “Julie, your father isn’t dead. He’s on Horse Island”
“Oh, Ma why did you tell me he died in a jungle expedition on mainland?”
“Because dear, he told me to tell you, until you where thirteen, however he did not tell me what to tell you, until then”Ma stressed this point a bit more than needed I think!
“Ma, I know I’m supposed to start crying because my dad is in a criminal colony, but last time I checked I was 14, not 13!”
“ The reason is quite simple Julie, last year I would have had to glue your mouth shut to keep you from telling. The reason we moved here was for you and we stayed so we wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences of your father’s crime!” I stared at my mom for a second and prepared for my next question. “Think about it over night Julie, that way you can pester me over breakfast. She smiled weakly and we started dinner. Somehow or other she avoided the subject of my father and left me time for no questions.

Please comment on my story so that I can make this story better

 

[puttytat190]

I went off to bed with 20 questions! When did my sister Ali find out? Did she know when it happened or do mom tell her later? Was there a chance dad was even alive still? I knew nothing about Horse Island. Did they live separate lives away from civilization and just raise horses because they have to and live a normal life or was Horse Island like a prison camp where they only raised horses? I wish for the life of me Ma had told me sooner so they I would be more used to the fact. And was Ma’s reason for not telling me real? Sure I was a blabbermouth at thirteen keen for the juiciest gossip but wasn’t every girl at that age?

*****​

The first thing that my daughter said to me the morning after I told her the family secret was: “Ma, you have a lot of questions to answer. I hardly know where to start!" I responded quite reasonably in my opinion. “ Um. Dear heart, you still have to go to school, and if the clock is right, you have overslept and we don’t have time to play Q and A.”
But Ma! She said in a broken sort of voice before I interrupted.
“ Julie, even if last night was shocking you are still going to school! Oh, and Julie do be careful about who you tell mainlanders don’t like to hear about Horse Island, and it would rather make it harder for our friends, to stay our friends.
“First I can’t ask questions becauseof school and than you ask me not to tell anybody at school!”
“Hon,”I responded wearily. “Your school bag is already packed, as well as your lunch. Here is a piece of toast to eat on the way to way school .Now hurry a long so you won’t be late”
Mama…! She said slightly broken hearted.
“One more out of you Julie Mantsy and I will…” I put one finger up and left her hanging. She hurried out the door and I watched her go sadly. I wished I could do more to ease her pain and anger, but there is only so much that a mother can do when their child is mad at them.


Would someone please comment !

 

[Lessien]

It's pretty good...but could you post it in bigger font, please? I'm having a hard time seeing it....

 

[puttytat190]

Ok I need to know this . Do you like it when The narrative is from someone besides the main characters?

 

[Narmegil]

Nice, and yes I like the other viewpoints, but be careful not to reveal some secrets the main characters find out, you haven't done that, I just wanna warn you in case you didn't know.

 

[puttytat190]

I had been hoping beyond all hope that Miss. Brookhaven the teacher that tought 13-15 would be absent today. We had been doing a large amount of work of late, and I hadn’t done to well. Plus, I really didn’t fell like working hard today. After all who would after having an experience like mine. Unfortunately, of all the days of the week today Miss. Brookhaven was in. Apparently she had gotten over her cold over the weekend and Monday. Yesterday, Emmy’s mom had filled in, because before she Daniel (Emmy’s older brother) and Emmy she had been a teacher. All I have to say is I wish she were our teacher all the time not Miss. B. Though I’m sure Emmy does not share my sentiments .I could see Miss. Brookhaven through the door discussing something with the principle Mr. Waters. I was about to make a run for it and not go school when Miss. Brookhaven saw me and called out my name. “Julie, I need to talk to you about something” She was acting a lot nicer tome than she usually does, because Mr. Waters was there. She spoke again this time to Mr. Waters. “Sir, why don’t you go to the gym so you can prepare the class for the guest speaker. I will talk to Julie for a moment and clear things up; I’ll send her along in a bit.

“Julie, This has got to stop! Your grades are dropping, you are almost always tardy, and do not respond to authority well. Yet, when a substitute comes in you are on time, you work well, and most amazing you respect the authority of a substitute. Please, Julie, tell me why do you hate me, why do you do this?”
I smiled evilly and said “ Mr. Waters getting on your back again, about student attitude toward school, and the vibes of goodness are lowest in your class?” I love driving her nuts. Sometimes I wish I could tell her straight why I hate her. Sadly, I can’t because my mom would kill me for going against our faith saying I hated a person. There are who have way worse grades than me, but I think she dislikes me because my mom and live in a nicer area. Therefore in her mind that translates into: she should have A’s and B’s and never is late to class. After all she has to live up to her place in society. Perhaps, she doesn’t think those exact words but that is what she thinks. “No! He has not been and you had best watch your mouth Julie. After the speaker is finished I want you to come back to my room so I can write I note to your mother .I want to speak to her.”

****​

When I saw Julie I knew something was wrong. I guessed that Julie had run into Miss. Brookhaven and had an argument. Julie may be my bf but that does not make me blind. I know she is like a magnet for trouble. Last night with her mum was a surprise though. Her mum looked really shook up and usually I am considered like family. Under normal circumstance my request to stay would have been accepted. It was truly odd. I looked at the clock and realized what had upset her. She must have been busted for being late. But, then again she is used to that. Since she lives so far away, it’s harder for her to get to school on time. She isn’t the sort who likes to get up early I saw her take a seat in the back. I guess she figured there was no point to draw more attention to her. Plus, the program was really stupid. It was about some Indian tribe that had lived on a neighboring island 100’s of years ago. Now if we hadn’t been learning about this tribe and studied it since 3rd grade it might have been interesting.

When were heading back to class Julie grabbed my arm. She looked really panicked. “Emmy the most horrible thing happened! When we get back to class Miss. Brookhaven is going to write a note to my mom!”
Oohhh… A note! How horrible! You’ve never had one before” I said sarcastically.
“This one is different Em, She wants to arrange a meeting. Besides the embarrassment, Mum is going to be really mad.”
What did you do this time Julie? I know the women is mean and you think is she is out to get you, but she always has a reason”
"I talked back, at first she was lecturing but it became so demeaning I had to talk back Em I had to."
“Right, and you had punch the exchange student last year, Julie.”
“Emmy, you’re supposed to help not scold.” She looked like a forlorn puppy so I relented.
“O.k., I’ll help you with your mom but that’s it, Julie. If I keep standing up for you I will be the one in trouble not you.” We hugged and went to our seats or rather I did .She went to the teachers desk.
“ So, do you still need my help?” I asked laughing. We both knew she needed me without asking, because she always makes her situation worse, than it was just by talking more than needed. I asked her why once and she said: “because when I’m nervous I don’t what to say, so I say it all.

***​

Emmy was talking on and on saw I decided to tell her what I had found out after she left. “Emmy I really need to tell you something but first you have to promise not to tell.”
Emmy giggled and said, “Have we reverted to elementary school logic now”
Em, this is serious. What I meant was is I want to tell you something, but I know you and the grapevine are.”
“Julie, don’t be ridiculous! Of course I won’t tell a secret that is that important to you. I ‘m insulted!” She really did look insulted so I told her why I was going to such great lengths. “You mean to tell me it is a family secret.” She had a sort of shocked look on her face.
“ Yes ! this is sort of hard to say but need to tell somebody besides me over and over again.”
“ Oh, get on with it you silly goose” Emmy said slightly frustrated now. I said quite hurriedly so as to get it over with.I could hear the tremble in my voice.“Emmy, My dad is on Horse Island.I don’t why, Ma hasn’t told me yet” Emmy hugged me tight ,and didn’t say anything. From the expression on her face I could tell she wasn’t angry and just wanted to support me .

what do you mean about revealing secrets? I don't understand.

 

[Narmegil]

Good, a couple parts I got confused, like these: the teacher that the 3-15 would be absent today; There are kids are kids who have; a run for it and not go school; Last with her mum was a surprise though.; . Now if we hadn’t about this tribe and studied since 3rd grade; I talked back at first she was lecturing but it became so demeaning I had to talk back Em I had to.(is that talking?).
Just a few errors, some don't mke since, while others are just common little errors, overall I like it though, maybe want to add a bit of description instead of all talking though

 

[puttytat190]

Good, a couple parts I got confused, like these: the teacher that the 3-15 would be absent today; There are kids are kids who have; a run for it and not go school; Last with her mum was a surprise though.; . Now if we hadn’t about this tribe and studied since 3rd grade; I talked back at first she was lecturing but it became so demeaning I had to talk back Em I had to.(is that talking?).
Just a few errors, some don't mke since, while others are just common little errors, overall I like it though, maybe want to add a bit of description instead of all talking though

okIguessI have some explaing to do.3-15 was supposed to be 13-15 ,you know age wise.The run for it part means leave before the teacher sees her ,go somewhere(skip).The suprise was because usully her mom did not act that way.The bit about lecyuring was worded badly . If you read that part again i edited it.And yes that is talking.I forgot quate marks .

 

[puttytat190]

Ok, this my new and inproved version.

Horse Island

Chap1: The family secret​

Emmy my friend was teasing me about this guy at school at school after a long a creak walk we had taken .The swaying trees and monkey grass were beautiful. When I was younger Ali, and I would walk the creek. She would swing me round and place me on rocks. On little coves, she would build me forts out of things we found in the underbrush, and things in the creek. I would pretend I was princess or a sorceress. The end of the game was always the same I would find my daddy ,and mommy would be happy again ,and Ali would start singing again .Now Emmy is my friend not Ali.We had been outside my house for a while now joking around and leaning against the picket a fence near the sweet apple trees, looking over the hill. The sky is a perfect blue and Emmy is teasing me about some boy who she likes. However he likes my golden princess looks than her fiery ones. Out of the blue my Mom shatters the peace by calling me inside. “Julie I need you to come inside now dear.”
Ma, Should Emmy go or can she wait a sec while we talk?” I asked subdued. Ma had been acting strange of late. “ This is going to take a while Julie she needs to go home.”
Mrs. Mantsy, I have a awful lot of patience I will wait.” Emmy can be awful stubborn sometimes and I got the feeling this was going to be one of those times. People always practically worship her, because of her rare red hair so she usually gets her way. The only look we have in common is our green eyes. Most islanders have brown, black or blond hair.
I’m afraid this is a family matter that will take a while and you need to leave now Emmy!” I could tell by mom’s voice she meant it so I told Emmy to go and headed in. I stared into her pixie face and nodded .She trudged down our stone path, closed the gate and disappeared into the distance

“Ma! What is so important, that Emmy had to go?” I was mad but knew I had to tread carefully because Ma looked upset. Her greens eyes looked like a storm at see and her5 looked tussled. “Oh, Julie how do I say this? I have always imagined this moment but not like this. Ma, looked at the verge of tears so I tried to calm her. “Ma, everything is okay I’m just a bit upset.”Ma started to pace about our small kitchen. “Julie, your father isn’t dead. He’s on Horse Island” I closed my eyes, and bit my lip. To stop the tears .I remember his beautiful lullybuys. He used swing Ma around kiss her on her head. He would tell me he loved me and fix my toys. How could he be a common criminal?
“Oh, Ma why did you tell me he died in a jungle expedition on mainland?”
“Because dear, he told me to tell you, until you where thirteen, however he did not tell me what to tell you, until then.” Ma stressed this point a bit more than needed I think!
“Ma, I know I’m supposed to start crying because my dad is in a criminal colony, but last time I checked I was 14, not 13!”
“ The reason is quite simple Julie, last year I would have had to glue your mouth shut to keep you from telling. The reason we moved here was for you and we stayed so we wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences of your father’s crime!” I stared at my mom for a second and prepared for my next question. “Think about it over night Julie, that way you can pester me over breakfast. She smiled weakly and we started dinner. Somehow or other she avoided the subject of my father and left me time for no questions.

I went off to bed with 20 questions! When did my sister Ali find out? Did she know when it happened or do mom tell her later? Was there a chance dad was even alive still? I knew nothing about Horse Island. Did they live separate lives away from civilization and just raise horses because they have to and live a normal life or was Horse Island like a prison camp where they only raised horses? I wish for the life of me Ma had told me sooner so they I would be more used to the fact. And was Ma’s reason for not telling me real? Sure I was a blabbermouth at thirteen keen for the juiciest gossip but wasn’t every girl at that age?

*****​

The first thing that my daughter said to me the night after I told her the family secret was: “Ma, you have a lot of questions to answer. I hardly know where to start!" I responded quite reasonably in my opinion. After all she was disrespectful and silly.“ Um. Dear heart, you still have to go to school, and if the clock is right, you have overslept and we don’t have time to play Q and A.”
But Ma! She said in a broken sort of voice before I interrupted.
“ Julie, even if last night was shocking you are still going to school! Oh, and Julie do be careful about who you tell mainlanders don’t like to hear about Horse Island, and it would rather make it harder for our friends, to stay our friends.” She stared at me in question. She seemed not to, want embarrass me . “People who live in the middle of the Island hon.”
“First I can’t ask questions becauseof school and than you ask me not to tell anybody at school!” I suppose I as wrong about what she questioning .Oh, well.
“Hon,” I responded wearily. “Your school bag is already packed, as well as your lunch. Here is a piece of toast to eat on the way to way school .Now hurry a long so you won’t be late”
Mama…! She said slightly broken hearted.
“One more word out of you, Julie Mantsy and I will…” I put one finger up and left her hanging. She hurried out the door and I watched her go sadly. I wished I could do more to ease her pain and anger, but there is only so much that a mother can do when their child is mad at them.
You likey?

 

[Narmegil]

Great! I like it, keep writing!

 

[puttytat190]

Chap2-Problems at school
I had been hoping beyond all hope that Miss. Brookhaven the teacher that teaches the 13-15 kids would be absent today. We had been doing a large amount of work of late, and I hadn’t done to well. Plus, I really didn’t fell like working hard today. Plus I really, really don’t like Miss.Brookhaven. After all who would after having an experience like mine. Unfortunately, of all the days of the week today Miss. Brookhaven was in. Apparently she had gotten over her cold over the weekend and Monday. Yesterday, Emmy’s mom had filled in, because before she Daniel (Emmy’s older brother) and Emmy she had been a teacher. All I have to say is I wish she were our teacher all the time not Miss. B. Though I’m sure Emmy does not share my sentiments .I could see Miss. Brookhaven through the window in the door discussing something with the principle Mr. Waters. He was wearing a leisure suit and loafers from what, I could tell. Miss. Brookhaven was wearing one of those quote business suits and had her black hair in a bun. She thinks it looks business like but it just makes the guy teachers whistle. I was about to skip, and go for a walk, when Miss. Brookhaven saw me and called out my name. “Julie, I need to talk to you about something” She was acting a lot nicer tome than she usually does, because Mr. Waters was there. She spoke again this time to Mr. Waters. “Sir, why don’t you go to the gym so you can prepare the class for the guest speaker. I will talk to Julie for a moment and clear things up; I’ll send her along in a bit. Mr. Waters looked a bit dazed and headed off to the gym.

“Julie, This has got to stop! Your grades are dropping, you are almost always tardy, and do not respond to authority well. Yet, when a substitute comes in you are on time, you work well, and most amazing you respect the authority of a substitute. Please, Julie, tell me why do you hate me, why do you do this?” She had this really amusing frustrated look on her face
I smiled evilly and said “ Mr. Waters getting on your back again, about student attitude toward school, and the vibes of goodness are lowest in your class?” I love driving her nuts. Sometimes I wish I could tell her straight why I hate her. Sadly, I can’t because my mom would kill me for going against our faith, saying I hated a person. There are kids are kids who have way worse grades than me, but I think she dislikes me because my mom and live in a nicer area. Therefore in her mind that translates into: she should have A’s and B’s and never is late to class. What she fails to understand is the longer walk. Emmy gets to school on time because her dad lets her ride a horse to school. On his morning walk to the school, and back he retrieves it. After all she has to live up to her place in society. Perhaps, she doesn’t think those exact words but that is what she thinks. “No! He has not been and you had best watch your mouth Julie. After the speaker is finished I want you to come back to my room so I can write I note to your mother .I want to speak to her.” Her face looked almost gleeful when she said it .She loves getting me in trouble.

****​

When I saw Julie I knew something was wrong. Her blond hair was poking out at weird angles and her greens eyes where cast to the ground. I guessed that Julie had run into Miss. Brookhaven and had an argument. Julie may be my bf but that does not make me blind. I know she is like a magnet for trouble. Last night, with her mum was a surprise though. Her mom looked like she was really mad at Julie Her mum looked really shook up and usually I am considered like family. Under normal circumstance my request to stay would have been accepted. It was truly odd. I looked at the clock and realized what had upset her. She must have been busted for being late. But, then again she is used to that. Since she lives so far away, it’s harder for her to get to school on time. Plus, she gets busted even harder because I do get to school on time. She isn’t the sort who likes to get up early, so that makes it even worse. I saw her take a seat in the back. I guess she figured there was no point to draw more attention to her. Plus, the program was really stupid. It was about some Indian tribe that had lived on a neighboring island about 100 or more of years ago. Now if we hadn’t been learning about this tribe and studied it since 3rd grade it might have been interesting.

When were heading back to class Julie grabbed my arm. She looked really panicked. “Emmy the most horrible thing happened! When we get back to class Miss. Brookhaven is going to write a note to my mom!”
Oohhh… A note! How horrible! You’ve never had one before” I said sarcastically.
“This one is different Em, She wants to arrange a meeting. Besides the embarrassment, Mum is going to be really mad.” I took her clothes in critically. She was wearing her white blouse and green skirt with slits. Her mom must already be mad at her for the skirt.
What did you do this time Julie? I know the women is mean and you think is she is out to get you, but she always has a reason”
I talked back at first she was lecturing but it became so demeaning I had to talk back Em I had to.
“Right, and you had punch the exchange student last year, Julie.”
“Emmy, you’re supposed to help not scold.” She looked like a forlorn puppy so I relented.
“O.k., I’ll help you with your mom but that’s it, Julie. If I keep standing up for you I will be the one in trouble not you.” We hugged and went to our seats or rather I did .She went to the teachers desk.
“ So, do you still need my help?” I asked laughing. We both knew she needed me without asking, because she always makes her situation worse, than it was just by talking more than needed. I asked her why once and she said: “because when I’m nervous I don’t what to say, so I say it all.

***​

Emmy was talking on and on saw I decided to tell her what I had found out after she left, last night. “Emmy I really need to tell you something but first you have to promise not to tell.” She was gazing into the distance and smiling.
Emmy giggled and said, “Have we reverted to elementary school logic now”
Em, this is serious. What I meant was is I want to tell you something, but I know you and the grapevine are.”
“Julie, don’t be ridiculous! Of course I won’t tell a secret that is that important to you. I’m insulted!” She really did look insulted so I told her why I was going to such great lengths. “You mean to tell me it is a family secret.” She had a sort of shocked look on her face. I guess she didn’t think that I had any family secrets.
“ Yes! This is sort of hard to say but need to tell somebody besides me over and over again.”
“ Oh, get on with it you silly goose” Emmy said slightly frustrated now. I said quite hurriedly so as to get it over with. I could hear the tremble in my voice. “Emmy, My dad is on Horse Island. I don’t why, Ma hasn’t told me yet” Emmy hugged me tight, and didn’t say anything. From the expression on her face I could tell she wasn’t angry and just wanted to support me. That’s how we walked almost all the way home. When we got to my house, I saw my mom. She waved me closer, and told Emmy to leave. I guess she got tied of me having a miny layer by my side.



please tell me, if i need to make corrections, O.K.

 

[Narmegil]

Good! Now keep going

 

[puttytat190]

Chap3-The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth.

​

“Ma, since you are done lecturing me can you tell me what Dad did?” I was a little nervous asking that question but I needed to know. “It’s a long story hon.,” She said as saying a rehearsed speech.
“Ma, I’m ready for a long story. I just want to know the truth” I looked at ma, this was obviously what she was expecting.”
“ Julie since you insist I suppose I have to. But first I want to tell you what Horse Island is .I know you have learned about in school, but you need, the real version.” I looked at Ma. I hoped this wouldn’t entail a 1/2 long lecture on Horse Island, in an uncomfortable chair.
“ What more do I need to know, Ma?
“If you listened you would know” I think, Ma was torturing me .I glared at her and she began.
“Horse Island was once a normal place. People like you or me lived there. One day someone from another island decided they wanted to own the island. The island was a beautiful place with lots of farmland and natural resources. It is still beautiful now. They set fire to the village. Mind you, only the village. Everyone almost escaped, but many died of smoke, and some drowned in the ocean. The mad man was brought to justice. Unfortunately all the jails where full or didn’t want him. So the island he belonged to dropped him back on the island. Anyone who was still alive who used to live the island never wanted to see it again anyway. All the ship ports but one where destroyed. They gated away that area of the island. Once a month his old friends would bring him food, escorted by the sheriff. Living on the island was pretty hard then. Later on, people decided to start using the island as a prison colony form other prisoners who had done horrible things.”

“How did the horse bit come around, Ma?” I was really fascinated, and could see it in my minds eye. However I still wanted to know about the horses. Ma began,
“The sheriff had to keep confiscating, the convicts horses when they were arrested. Well, the man did not like to have to care for them so he came up with a solution. He fenced off one corner of Horse Island. He made sure the prisoners understood, that they were his horses now. He branded them with the initials of horse Island. He told them, they would get more rights like, new clothing if they worked hard. That is how Horse Island gained its name. Now the convicts are paid for every colt that is born and trained to the horse Island standard.”
I asked the question I didn’t know she would answer. “Ma, what was the mans name that did those horrible things. I asked a less a brave question then a plain stupid one. “What do they need money for?
“ Well Hon, the man’s name is Mr. Henderson, and the reason they need money is for their basic needs. They pay the Sheriff to buy things in town for the like shoes.”

***​

“ Can you tell me about dad now, Ma?” Was the first thing she said, after I had been telling her about Horse Island?
“ Well are you sure you want to know Julie? It’s going to hurt knowing how, and what he did to get to Horse Island.” I knew myself; from first hand experience how much it hurt.
Of course I want to know Ma! Even if Horse Island is horrible, I want to know what he did.”
“ You may not remember, but we moved here for you .You were very sick, and we thought if we moved closer to a good doctor you might get better. We found out the medicine was too expensive. Your father stole the medicine you needed. He started to steal other things to. He liked having things he wasn’t supposed to. Mind you, I never knew. I thought someone was being kind to us. One day he went to far and robbed the bank. He fired blanks, so he wouldn’t hurt anyone. Unfortunately, he had some real ones in on accident. This whole time we were visiting your grandmother dear. She wanted to see you healthy herself. Your father crippled a man.” My daughter stared crying.
“Ma, why, why, did he do such thing?”
“Because that is the sort of man he became.” I had resigned myself, to that truth long ago. My daughter had to do the same now.
“Ma, can I write him a letter, I feel as if I want to kill him. It would be a right dirty letter!”
“Sorry dear, only one letters a year. I already sent it. Sorry.” Julie hugged me tight and cried into my soldier. We sit there for a long time holding each other, for Julie now has the pain I have had for years.
is it good?