Hi,
this my testimony. I tried posting it on a different thread three times, each time my computer crashed
Well I'm trying again
Its a wee bit long.
Here I sit corpulent;
Dull by smoke, food and drink.
This was part of a poem I wrote in the summer of 98'. I was dulled. I was tired. I was lonely. I was fearful. By all rights I shouldn't have been. After all I had just gotten my BA in history. I got accepted to Grad school to start working a Masters degree and ultimately a Ph.D. I had a lot of friends. I was in a band.
But, some thing was wrong...
I weighed 317 lbs. I am diabetic. Even though I had many friends, my whole life I felt a deep sense of loneliness. I had just turned 33; I felt there had to be more to life. My life consisted of work, and when I was not working eating endlessly, in between going to some band practices, and taking hits off my Bong. It was all getting old; I was feeling old and tired. As I tried to motivate myself for Grad school, I had no enthusiasm or energy. I had this vision of my life heading into power dive of loneliness, bitterness and dispair.
That was the way my Mom's life ended. She had died in 95' on December 1st, one week after thanksgiving. The official cause of death was Heart Failure. I knew the real cause was a combination of diabetes, a liter of Vodka a day, and deep depression. I was so like my mom in so many ways, both good and bad. I saw myself heading down the same road.
That fall I had made a decision that I would go back to OA. Overeater's Anonymous is 12-step fellowship, much like AA. It devoted to help a person who's eating is out of control. I fit the description.I had first gone to OA in 92'. I just didn't get it back then. All that God stuff felt like crap to me. I was brought up in a marginally Catholic family; I had a brief and bad encounter with the Jehovah witness's back when I was 13 (that can be a whole separate story in itself). I came out with a rather skeptical view of Christianity. I had toyed with Buddhism, I had toyed with Taoism, and I had toyed with astrology and the tarot. I toyed with acid. It all seemed empty and all false advertising.
But now I felt desperation. So I went back to OA. Dealing with my food issues was a struggle (it still is), but I was (am) recovering. I was learning to forgive myself. I was learning that I had a power greater then myself, who want me to recover and loved me. Still something was not quite right. Step 3 states "Made a decision to turn our life and will and our lives to the care of God as we understood Him." What did I understand? I had a vague sense of a "Higher Power". To turn over my life and will I had to trust this "Higher Power". Could I trust a vague notion of "Higher Power" with my will and life?
Round this time I started talking to a friend of mine. Mike was not a typical Christian. He had long hair, and like to listen to a lot of same strange music I did. He drank and smoked pot. We used to hang out and talk. Sooner or later Christ always came up as a topic. At first I found it a bit annoying. Mike always had a good sense of when to end the conversation, so as to not irritate me too much. Still as time passed on it found it more interesting. I bought a Bible from the bookstore and started reading it a bit. Checking on some of the things Mike was saying.
I felt like a large stone rolling down a hill. Starting slowly, but picking up speed. I start having serious doubts about what I thought I knew about life, and what I was taught in school. I felt growing inside of me a conviction was that Christ was the Son of God. But I was scared I'd be some crazy man handing out those Chick cartoon tracts, and that my friends and family would reject me. All this gnawed at me, a part me knowing that Christ was the Son of God and the other part fearful of how my life might change. One thing both Mike and OA taught me was the grace of God. When I was younger I saw God as this vengeful guy ready to get us whenever we screwed up (and I screwed up a lot, so I worried a lot). They both taught me that God was forgiving, loving and had great patience. This grace is what finally got me.
I first tried to give my life to Christ while I was driving. I was starting to say the Sinner's prayer while driving down the road. About halfway through I almost hit car. That scared me so I stopped. A few days later, I was in my bedroom, I was listening to the soundtrack for the "last temptation of Christ" (I know its an awful movie, but the music was great.), then I had it seemed like a vision or a real powerful daydream. I saw the crucifixion. I saw his pain. I could hear the people mocking him. Its so hard to explain it seemed so real yet, it was like a daydream. The I was overpowered, I was crying, that he would suffer so much for me. I had scorned him, made fun of him. I had mocked him just like all those spectators at the crucifixion. Still he died to save me. I got to my knees and prayed. I gave my life to the Lord.
My walk with the Lord has been an amazing adventure. At first I was so scared. I didn't tell anyone I gave my life to Christ. A month later I finally told my friend Mike. I started going back to church; I went to a Catholic Church at first. Luckily at the job I was at, I was working with a Christian woman, named Carole. She helped me to get started reading my bible each day. While we worked we talked about the Lord. There we other Christians there who also were very helpful. I met My Wife Keri over the Internet (that is a whole story in itself.), she has been such a joy, she is also a believer, and we have grown together in our walk with the Lord. I also had rejection; some friends snubbed me when I became a Christian. It didn?t happen suddenly, I just wasn't invited over as much. "Friends" who didn't like my newfound faith, would say nasty things behind my back. My brother, who is gay, had a hard time accepting my walk with Christ. Though I am glad to say that my brother and I get along very well now, I love him very much. I have also struggled to find a church. At first I went to a Catholic Church, then for about two years a Lutheran church (this was the denomination my wife grew up in.) Now I go to a Non-denominational, bible believing church.
I feel the main calling on my life is to walk with him and be a disciple. Each day is a challenge, but each day is also a joy. What ever I do, I am not alone. He is with me guiding me, walking with me, and loving me just the way I am.
Praise the Lord!!
this my testimony. I tried posting it on a different thread three times, each time my computer crashed
Well I'm trying again
Its a wee bit long.
Here I sit corpulent;
Dull by smoke, food and drink.
This was part of a poem I wrote in the summer of 98'. I was dulled. I was tired. I was lonely. I was fearful. By all rights I shouldn't have been. After all I had just gotten my BA in history. I got accepted to Grad school to start working a Masters degree and ultimately a Ph.D. I had a lot of friends. I was in a band.
But, some thing was wrong...
I weighed 317 lbs. I am diabetic. Even though I had many friends, my whole life I felt a deep sense of loneliness. I had just turned 33; I felt there had to be more to life. My life consisted of work, and when I was not working eating endlessly, in between going to some band practices, and taking hits off my Bong. It was all getting old; I was feeling old and tired. As I tried to motivate myself for Grad school, I had no enthusiasm or energy. I had this vision of my life heading into power dive of loneliness, bitterness and dispair.
That was the way my Mom's life ended. She had died in 95' on December 1st, one week after thanksgiving. The official cause of death was Heart Failure. I knew the real cause was a combination of diabetes, a liter of Vodka a day, and deep depression. I was so like my mom in so many ways, both good and bad. I saw myself heading down the same road.
That fall I had made a decision that I would go back to OA. Overeater's Anonymous is 12-step fellowship, much like AA. It devoted to help a person who's eating is out of control. I fit the description.I had first gone to OA in 92'. I just didn't get it back then. All that God stuff felt like crap to me. I was brought up in a marginally Catholic family; I had a brief and bad encounter with the Jehovah witness's back when I was 13 (that can be a whole separate story in itself). I came out with a rather skeptical view of Christianity. I had toyed with Buddhism, I had toyed with Taoism, and I had toyed with astrology and the tarot. I toyed with acid. It all seemed empty and all false advertising.
But now I felt desperation. So I went back to OA. Dealing with my food issues was a struggle (it still is), but I was (am) recovering. I was learning to forgive myself. I was learning that I had a power greater then myself, who want me to recover and loved me. Still something was not quite right. Step 3 states "Made a decision to turn our life and will and our lives to the care of God as we understood Him." What did I understand? I had a vague sense of a "Higher Power". To turn over my life and will I had to trust this "Higher Power". Could I trust a vague notion of "Higher Power" with my will and life?
Round this time I started talking to a friend of mine. Mike was not a typical Christian. He had long hair, and like to listen to a lot of same strange music I did. He drank and smoked pot. We used to hang out and talk. Sooner or later Christ always came up as a topic. At first I found it a bit annoying. Mike always had a good sense of when to end the conversation, so as to not irritate me too much. Still as time passed on it found it more interesting. I bought a Bible from the bookstore and started reading it a bit. Checking on some of the things Mike was saying.
I felt like a large stone rolling down a hill. Starting slowly, but picking up speed. I start having serious doubts about what I thought I knew about life, and what I was taught in school. I felt growing inside of me a conviction was that Christ was the Son of God. But I was scared I'd be some crazy man handing out those Chick cartoon tracts, and that my friends and family would reject me. All this gnawed at me, a part me knowing that Christ was the Son of God and the other part fearful of how my life might change. One thing both Mike and OA taught me was the grace of God. When I was younger I saw God as this vengeful guy ready to get us whenever we screwed up (and I screwed up a lot, so I worried a lot). They both taught me that God was forgiving, loving and had great patience. This grace is what finally got me.
I first tried to give my life to Christ while I was driving. I was starting to say the Sinner's prayer while driving down the road. About halfway through I almost hit car. That scared me so I stopped. A few days later, I was in my bedroom, I was listening to the soundtrack for the "last temptation of Christ" (I know its an awful movie, but the music was great.), then I had it seemed like a vision or a real powerful daydream. I saw the crucifixion. I saw his pain. I could hear the people mocking him. Its so hard to explain it seemed so real yet, it was like a daydream. The I was overpowered, I was crying, that he would suffer so much for me. I had scorned him, made fun of him. I had mocked him just like all those spectators at the crucifixion. Still he died to save me. I got to my knees and prayed. I gave my life to the Lord.
My walk with the Lord has been an amazing adventure. At first I was so scared. I didn't tell anyone I gave my life to Christ. A month later I finally told my friend Mike. I started going back to church; I went to a Catholic Church at first. Luckily at the job I was at, I was working with a Christian woman, named Carole. She helped me to get started reading my bible each day. While we worked we talked about the Lord. There we other Christians there who also were very helpful. I met My Wife Keri over the Internet (that is a whole story in itself.), she has been such a joy, she is also a believer, and we have grown together in our walk with the Lord. I also had rejection; some friends snubbed me when I became a Christian. It didn?t happen suddenly, I just wasn't invited over as much. "Friends" who didn't like my newfound faith, would say nasty things behind my back. My brother, who is gay, had a hard time accepting my walk with Christ. Though I am glad to say that my brother and I get along very well now, I love him very much. I have also struggled to find a church. At first I went to a Catholic Church, then for about two years a Lutheran church (this was the denomination my wife grew up in.) Now I go to a Non-denominational, bible believing church.
I feel the main calling on my life is to walk with him and be a disciple. Each day is a challenge, but each day is also a joy. What ever I do, I am not alone. He is with me guiding me, walking with me, and loving me just the way I am.
Praise the Lord!!
