My story is...what's yours?

[Nilla]

I thought we could all share our story. I mean how did we find out, what thoughts went through our heads and how do we cope?

I can start.

It was a tuesday, oct 5 2004, I came home from a meeting at the school where I did my practise to become a kindergarten teacher. I don't remember the exact time but it was around 9pm.

When I stepped out of my car I heard someone say "Nilla?" I turned around and saw my pastor and he said, there is something I need to talk to you about. I haven't been the best person I can be so I thought he had found out something bad about me. He had Elisabeth with him. I said ok, but just so you know my place isn't very tidy right now.
He said it's ok.

I went up the stairs and we got inside my apartment and sat down at the kitchentable. Teh he said..
"I have some bad news for you. Your brother Christian, is dead."
I couldn't believe what I heard and started crying. I asked him how it happend and he just said my brother didn't want to live anymore.

All I felt was I have to get home. (I live 3,5 hours from my parents) My pastor said I could call my dad, dad had said he would ask someone to come get me.
When I called there was no one who could come. Dad said he would but my pastor wouldn't let him. (I thank him for that today). Finally they decided my pastor and a friend of his would drive me so I could get home.

That carride was the worst of my life. I sent textmessages on my cellphone to some of my friends.
I remember I had a song echoing in my head..."In You my God I put my trust..."

When I got home everyone assumed I knew how my brother did it. When my sister found out I didn't know but had pieced it together from the conversation she felt bad. She said..why didn't you ask. All I could say was..didn't know how.

I cried myself to sleep that night.

After a few days I got back to schoolwork again like nothing had happend. I don't know why today but I guess it was some sort of survival thing. But I also know it's cause of every prayer said for me and my family. The prayers have carried me through it all. And they still do.

What thoughts goes through my head: apart from all the questions that starts with why..
I also wondered...could I have stopped it, could I have called home more, talked to him. The biggest one for me at one time was...why did he do it the day before my birthday? Is it a message to me somewhere?


Feel free to ask me anything..
I'm sharing this with you all to show that you're not alone. We have all wrestled with the same questions, the guilt and maybe the shame.

God bless you all,

Nilla

 

[goldenviolet]

bless your heart for sharing your sarrow!

 

[Nilla]

thanks...only by sharing and telling others I feel my brother didn't die for nothing. I do have thoughts about going out to junior high schools and talking about this..but I don't feel I have all the "right tools" to do so..yet..

 

[faithgoeson]

I don't post here usually. I would normally just read and pray for those needing it. But, maybe telling a story helps others. You never know. If any of you have a similar story to mine, feel free to private message any time. God bless you.

I was in our home unpacking boxes. We had just moved the week before. My husband calls me to say he just got our oldest off the bus from Preschool. It was her last day, and she fell asleep on the ride home. He put her in bed and went outside to talk to me so he wouldn't wake her. Outside was the yard of the home we were moving from. He and our oldest would join myself and our two babies in the new house that weekend. We didn't want our daughter to miss her last week of Preschool.
The reason why we moved was because of our neighbor. He was a troubled young man always doing something wrong. He cursed people for parking the wrong way, played his music too loud, threw wild parties, etc. We decided living next to him was not an option for the next 20 years.
That day, my husband apparently didn't pay attention to his parking. He had accidently parked a little too close to the young man's driveway. In retaliation for this, my husband was shot to death while on the telephone with me. He was shot three times. The first two were in the arm holding the phone. He would have survived them. The third shot went in his shoulder area when he turned to run. It went in, hit his heart, and then traveled through just about every major organ he had. He ran for almost a block before collapsing into a police officer's arms. He was 25 years old. Our children were 5, 3, and 1.
I have been through two murder trials. I'm a veteran single mother and widow now. It's been over 5 years since his death. Maybe I can help others cope with sudden loss here. I do pray for all of you on a daily basis.
We don't know when death will come knocking or how. What we do know, though, is that Jesus is the only way to get through it. Through Him, all things are possible.

 

[cypher000]

Your stories so deep with loss. You are both so brave to write them here for us to see and feel. I know your stories will have positive impact for people who are struggling in their lives right now... I pray for both of you and your families for I know the impact of your loss never subsides... God be with you both...

My story is also one of loss, but not of death. I have lost everything in my life, except my faith in the Lord. Everyone who is supposed to care has left my side since I was diagnosed with a mental illness 2 years ago. I live alone, now divorced from my wife, my parents will not speak to me because they think I am after their money, my brothers and sister will not speak to me because they will not cross their parents, my children are embarrassed of me, and I have no friends left... One really finds out how many true friends they really have at times like these. Due to serious depression I have not been able to work in over 5 or 6 years and now subsist on Social Security. My family makes jokes about how I have found a free life. I used to be very successful in the world, but I do not have any desire to compete in that realm anymore. I am very content with my meager existence. In addition I am just too tired to start over again... Due to my illness I have done it many times through my life. I was recently diagnosed, but have been sick since I was a teenager. My illness is due to child neglect, physical and mental abuse...

 

[Nilla]

Thanks Faith and cypher000.

I'm sorry for your loss Faith! *warm hugs*

cypher000, I'm so sorry to hear that everyone has turned their back on you instead on standing by you in this. Something my brother wrote in his last letter to us rings in my head...I don't know how to translate it...but I'll try...

"I thought humankind was compassionate and caring but I with bitternes I have seen that it's the other way around"

 

[faithgoeson]

Your stories so deep with loss. You are both so brave to write them here for us to see and feel. I know your stories will have positive impact for people who are struggling in their lives right now... I pray for both of you and your families for I know the impact of your loss never subsides... God be with you both...

My story is also one of loss, but not of death. I have lost everything in my life, except my faith in the Lord. Everyone who is supposed to care has left my side since I was diagnosed with a mental illness 2 years ago. I live alone, now divorced from my wife, my parents will not speak to me because they think I am after their money, my brothers and sister will not speak to me because they will not cross their parents, my children are embarrassed of me, and I have no friends left... One really finds out how many true friends they really have at times like these. Due to serious depression I have not been able to work in over 5 or 6 years and now subsist on Social Security. My family makes jokes about how I have found a free life. I used to be very successful in the world, but I do not have any desire to compete in that realm anymore. I am very content with my meager existence. In addition I am just too tired to start over again... Due to my illness I have done it many times through my life. I was recently diagnosed, but have been sick since I was a teenager. My illness is due to child neglect, physical and mental abuse...

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles also. My father has been going through much of what you wrote. It's very hard to understand sometimes, but my heart hurts for him so much. I will be praying for you.

 

[tergail]

All of your stories have touched me so much! It's amazing how alone you can feel when you are going through these things. And when you read other's stories, you know you are not alone. So here's mine...
It started on Saturday night. I talked to my om at about 11:30 pm. We had our normal everynight conversation, what you doin, how was your day, how's the kids...etc. If I had only known it would be my last time talking with her. At 7:00 am, I was getting ready for church and my brother called and said I have to tell you something, dad found mom dead this morning. I collapsed on the floor. Unfortunately my husband hadn't gotten home from his midnight job and I was alone with my 2 toddlers. My world crashed in around me that morning. She was fine the night before, how could she be dead?
But I will tell you that if it had not been for my church family and the prayers they surrounded me with, I don't know how I would have gotten through it. I could feel the strength of God that was around me. He had his arms around me holding me up. I truly felt the prayers. It was during that time that I knew I had truly found a family in my church.

 

[MendedHeart]

Nilla & Faith:
I'm so sorry for your losses.I also would like to share a littli about my loss.It is very hard talking about it because it just happened in June of this year.My brother committed suicide in June this year.He killed himself at my Mom's house,she lives next door to me.I heard someone at my door screaming,so i went to the door and my neice's bf told me that my bro. had shot himself.I was in SHOCK!!!I went over to the house and there was his only daughter kneeling over on him,and my mother,who is 76 years old sitting on the bed looking at him.I had to pull myself together and try and get my mom out of there,i was worried about her health,so i had her go into the den and sit down,i got the neighbor to sit with her,while i tried to get help on the way.My neice wanted me to try and do something,but he was already gone.I didn't have the heart to tell her that.That's about all that i can talk about it at this time.It is sooo hard to get thru all the pain,and hurt of something like this.When it is suicide,you have all these should've &what if's.
My heart goes out to you Nilla & Faith.I will pray for you,please take time to say a prayer for my family,we are really going thru some hard times right now.

 

[Nilla]

All of your stories have touched me so much! It's amazing how alone you can feel when you are going through these things. And when you read other's stories, you know you are not alone. So here's mine...
It started on Saturday night. I talked to my om at about 11:30 pm. We had our normal everynight conversation, what you doin, how was your day, how's the kids...etc. If I had only known it would be my last time talking with her. At 7:00 am, I was getting ready for church and my brother called and said I have to tell you something, dad found mom dead this morning. I collapsed on the floor. Unfortunately my husband hadn't gotten home from his midnight job and I was alone with my 2 toddlers. My world crashed in around me that morning. She was fine the night before, how could she be dead?
But I will tell you that if it had not been for my church family and the prayers they surrounded me with, I don't know how I would have gotten through it. I could feel the strength of God that was around me. He had his arms around me holding me up. I truly felt the prayers. It was during that time that I knew I had truly found a family in my church.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank God for the powers in our prayers!

 

[Nilla]

Nilla & Faith:
I'm so sorry for your losses.I also would like to share a littli about my loss.It is very hard talking about it because it just happened in June of this year.My brother committed suicide in June this year.He killed himself at my Mom's house,she lives next door to me.I heard someone at my door screaming,so i went to the door and my neice's bf told me that my bro. had shot himself.I was in SHOCK!!!I went over to the house and there was his only daughter kneeling over on him,and my mother,who is 76 years old sitting on the bed looking at him.I had to pull myself together and try and get my mom out of there,i was worried about her health,so i had her go into the den and sit down,i got the neighbor to sit with her,while i tried to get help on the way.My neice wanted me to try and do something,but he was already gone.I didn't have the heart to tell her that.That's about all that i can talk about it at this time.It is sooo hard to get thru all the pain,and hurt of something like this.When it is suicide,you have all these should've &what if's.
My heart goes out to you Nilla & Faith.I will pray for you,please take time to say a prayer for my family,we are really going thru some hard times right now.

My heart goes out to you and your family!
I'll pray for you.

 

[Nilla]

If any of you want someone to talk to or prayers. Let me know. I'm happy to listen and pray as well as pass prayer requests on to others who can help in prayer.

 

[BrokenForHim]

I don't know why I ended up coming onto this page..but I'm here...if I were to write out all the stories of how loved ones have died it would take to long...I have lost aunts, uncles, cousins, father figures, friends and a brother....the most recent one is my brother...so I guess I will share this story with you...

His name was Tyson, he wasn't really my brother but my brothers best friends since I was born. He had always been in my life, helping me and just being there for me. He helped me stop cutting and tried to help me get over anorexia and bulimia...he ment a lot to me...he was 18 years old when he died...

It was a normal day, just like every other Sunday...or so I though..Tyson was supposed to hitchike home(from a town 30 mins away)that night...but he never showed up to work on Monday morning. We knew that something bad had happened because Tyson wouldn't have just dissaperd without calling or anything...We started putting out missing posters and had many search and rescue teams out looking for him...they found his body 8 days later in a lake...Tyson had taken a really harsh drug before he had left to hitchike home, it was his first time trying this drug...when we was walking over a bridge he started hallucinating, went into a sezior and fell into the river which washed him into the lake..Tyson didn't know how to swim but he loved the water...he always said that he was going to die young...and he did...the last words he said to me were " To give up on yourself, is to give up on those who care." ...he wasn't a christian and thought that religon was stupid...I guess the hardest thing about loosing him is knowing that I wont ever see him again.

Tyson Joseph Louie
Aug 15, 1988 - Sept 17, 2006
May he rest in peace <3

 

[Nilla]

I don't know why I ended up coming onto this page..but I'm here...if I were to write out all the stories of how loved ones have died it would take to long...I have lost aunts, uncles, cousins, father figures, friends and a brother....the most recent one is my brother...so I guess I will share this story with you...

His name was Tyson, he wasn't really my brother but my brothers best friends since I was born. He had always been in my life, helping me and just being there for me. He helped me stop cutting and tried to help me get over anorexia and bulimia...he ment a lot to me...he was 18 years old when he died...

It was a normal day, just like every other Sunday...or so I though..Tyson was supposed to hitchike home(from a town 30 mins away)that night...but he never showed up to work on Monday morning. We knew that something bad had happened because Tyson wouldn't have just dissaperd without calling or anything...We started putting out missing posters and had many search and rescue teams out looking for him...they found his body 8 days later in a lake...Tyson had taken a really harsh drug before he had left to hitchike home, it was his first time trying this drug...when we was walking over a bridge he started hallucinating, went into a sezior and fell into the river which washed him into the lake..Tyson didn't know how to swim but he loved the water...he always said that he was going to die young...and he did...the last words he said to me were " To give up on yourself, is to give up on those who care." ...he wasn't a christian and thought that religon was stupid...I guess the hardest thing about loosing him is knowing that I wont ever see him again.

Tyson Joseph Louie
Aug 15, 1988 - Sept 17, 2006
May he rest in peace <3

We're here for ya girl.

 

[Eponine]

I don't know why I ended up coming onto this page..but I'm here...if I were to write out all the stories of how loved ones have died it would take to long...I have lost aunts, uncles, cousins, father figures, friends and a brother....the most recent one is my brother...so I guess I will share this story with you...

His name was Tyson, he wasn't really my brother but my brothers best friends since I was born. He had always been in my life, helping me and just being there for me. He helped me stop cutting and tried to help me get over anorexia and bulimia...he ment a lot to me...he was 18 years old when he died...

It was a normal day, just like every other Sunday...or so I though..Tyson was supposed to hitchike home(from a town 30 mins away)that night...but he never showed up to work on Monday morning. We knew that something bad had happened because Tyson wouldn't have just dissaperd without calling or anything...We started putting out missing posters and had many search and rescue teams out looking for him...they found his body 8 days later in a lake...Tyson had taken a really harsh drug before he had left to hitchike home, it was his first time trying this drug...when we was walking over a bridge he started hallucinating, went into a sezior and fell into the river which washed him into the lake..Tyson didn't know how to swim but he loved the water...he always said that he was going to die young...and he did...the last words he said to me were " To give up on yourself, is to give up on those who care." ...he wasn't a christian and thought that religon was stupid...I guess the hardest thing about loosing him is knowing that I wont ever see him again.

Tyson Joseph Louie
Aug 15, 1988 - Sept 17, 2006
May he rest in peace <3

*Hugs* Praying for you.

My brother also died when he was 18. I was only 13 at the time. It was 4 years ago this November 9th; he had just started his first year at USC that August and I was in 7th grade, 13 years old, having only returned to Christianity almost exactly 6 months before. Since we live only an hour and a half or 2 hours away from USC, he would come home one or two weekends a month to visit us. It was one of those weekends when he died. My mother was off visiting my other brother, who was in his junior year at Cornell University. My dad and I were home when he came in the door that Friday night. He was perfectly healthy when I talked to him for the last time. Later that night he got very sick, and my dad took him to our local 24 walk-in clinic. They said he only had the flu and sent him home. He woke up the next morning with a purple rash that, though we didn't know it at the time, was telltale. My dad, worried about the rash (though in hindsight not nearly as much as he should have been), decided to take my brother back to our regular doctor (who happens to work for the same medical group that runs the clinic, but that is unimportant here...). This part of the story I know only second hand, since I was left at home to worry and play a computer game. I wish now I had put down my computer game for once and gone with them, but it is too late for that. Anyway, according to my dad the doctor recognized the rash right away as a sign of menignococcemia and started him on IV antibiotics while they waited for the ambulance to arrive. I began to worry when they didn't come home after 2 hours, then three. Finally, 4 or 5 hours after they had left, my dad called to say that my brother was in the CICU, my half-sister was coming to pick me up and take me to the hospital, and that I would need preventative treatment. I think that was when it first started to sink in that I might lose him. That evening at 7:something P.M. that's exactly what happened. I don't want to get into the aftermath right now; at this time of year the pain is a bit too near, but suffice it to say that none of us wanted to be the one to have to break the news to my mom and my other brother.

 

[ScottBot]

My story goes like this. In February of 2004, I had a son that was born with a genetic condition known as Williams Syndrome. He was missing a significant portion of his 7th chromosome, of which was the elastin gene that causes Williams. He also had West Syndrome, also known as Infantile Spasms that manifested itself when he was 4 months old. In his short life, he spent nearly 8 months of it in the hospital, the last 3 months in the ICU on a venitlator. He was discharged at the beginning of March on a long course of over 15 different medications. He died in my arms at 5:30 am on March 25th of this year.

 

[Nilla]

My story goes like this. In February of 2004, I had a son that was born with a genetic condition known as Williams Syndrome. He was missing a significant portion of his 7th chromosome, of which was the elastin gene that causes Williams. He also had West Syndrome, also known as Infantile Spasms that manifested itself when he was 4 months old. In his short life, he spent nearly 8 months of it in the hospital, the last 3 months in the ICU on a venitlator. He was discharged at the beginning of March on a long course of over 15 different medications. He died in my arms at 5:30 am on March 25th of this year.

My heart goes out to you and your family!

 

[tergail]

My story goes like this. In February of 2004, I had a son that was born with a genetic condition known as Williams Syndrome. He was missing a significant portion of his 7th chromosome, of which was the elastin gene that causes Williams. He also had West Syndrome, also known as Infantile Spasms that manifested itself when he was 4 months old. In his short life, he spent nearly 8 months of it in the hospital, the last 3 months in the ICU on a venitlator. He was discharged at the beginning of March on a long course of over 15 different medications. He died in my arms at 5:30 am on March 25th of this year.

You have no idea how much my heart goes out to you. I can't stop crying! Everytime I hear a story from a parent who has lost a child I just want to wrap my arms around them and hug the pain away! I just can't imagine what you are going through! I look at my children every night and think how easy it could be to lose them. And though I try not to worry about that happening, in the back of my mind I know it could. My heart breaks for you and your loss! I will be praying for you!

 

[womanofvalor]

It was Wednesday, March 1. Erin had come by to fax an invoice for her husband's welding business because their phone was out of order.
I had been out in my garden burning some small limbs and brush and was lying down on my bed. she came in and while her fax was feeding through, she lay down beside me and said her back had been hurting.
She had hit a deer with her car a month before and had had migranes ever since. She wouldn't go get checked for it, saying it would be all right. She didn't stay long, just went in and talked to her 15yo brother a few minutes. I walked her out to her car, giving her a big hug and kiss as we always did. she would never leave without telling all three of us how much she loved us.
I called around 6:30 to offer her and Jeff some of the tuna casserole I had made for supper. She didn't answer the phone, but I thought she was probably sleeping because her back hurt and she had taken medicine the doctor had given her for it. I tried Jeff's phone at the shop and he didn't answer either, but if he's busy welding, he won't answer sometimes.
we had gone to bed and our phone rang around 1:00. I picked it up but noone said anything. Then a car came rushing into our driveway and I got my husband up and we went to the door. It was Jeff's dad. He said, "Erin's dead!" I said "NO, she can't be!" He said yes, she was. I was in utter shock! I asked if I could see hr and he said sure. so my husband and I quickly got dressed and went over. There were police cars and an ambulance. I went down the hall to the bedroom and there were police standing around her body, which was covered with a sheet. I asked if I could see her and the coroner advised against it. I said, "They didn't let me see my baby when she was stillborn and I am going to see my baby girld here." The coroner said I didn't have to be hateful. I didn't even realize I was bing that way. But they pulled the sheet back and I knelt down beside my beautiful blonde headed blue eyed 23 year old daughter and kissed her cheek and ran my fingers through her hair which was spread above her head on the floor. My angel, one of the two greatest blessing of my entire life, was gone to Heaven.
She looked peaceful, just like she was sleeping.
they told me they'd have to do an autopsy since she died at home, s they took her to a city about an hour away and brought her back the next afternoon. We still haven't seen a copy of the report but the death certificate says, Accidental overdose of prescription drugs. The coroner said she probably woke up, still in pain and took more medicine too soon together. She had called Jeff around 10:00 to see when he'd be in, but he said she hadn't mentioned feeling bad. He had to work until 12:00 finishing a job and when he came in he found her beside the bed. he tried CPR and called 911 but it was too late.
She was light in our home and hearts, a joy to be around, always doing everything she could to make our lives better. We miss her more than words can say. It's been 8 months tomorrow since she went to heaven and I have cried every single day for her.
She had accepted the Lord Jesus as her Savior and I know where she is today, but our family circle has been broken and we are so different than we were.
That's my story of my beautiful Erin.

 

[Nilla]

It was Wednesday, March 1. Erin had come by to fax an invoice for her husband's welding business because their phone was out of order.
I had been out in my garden burning some small limbs and brush and was lying down on my bed. she came in and while her fax was feeding through, she lay down beside me and said her back had been hurting.
She had hit a deer with her car a month before and had had migranes ever since. She wouldn't go get checked for it, saying it would be all right. She didn't stay long, just went in and talked to her 15yo brother a few minutes. I walked her out to her car, giving her a big hug and kiss as we always did. she would never leave without telling all three of us how much she loved us.
I called around 6:30 to offer her and Jeff some of the tuna casserole I had made for supper. She didn't answer the phone, but I thought she was probably sleeping because her back hurt and she had taken medicine the doctor had given her for it. I tried Jeff's phone at the shop and he didn't answer either, but if he's busy welding, he won't answer sometimes.
we had gone to bed and our phone rang around 1:00. I picked it up but noone said anything. Then a car came rushing into our driveway and I got my husband up and we went to the door. It was Jeff's dad. He said, "Erin's dead!" I said "NO, she can't be!" He said yes, she was. I was in utter shock! I asked if I could see hr and he said sure. so my husband and I quickly got dressed and went over. There were police cars and an ambulance. I went down the hall to the bedroom and there were police standing around her body, which was covered with a sheet. I asked if I could see her and the coroner advised against it. I said, "They didn't let me see my baby when she was stillborn and I am going to see my baby girld here." The coroner said I didn't have to be hateful. I didn't even realize I was bing that way. But they pulled the sheet back and I knelt down beside my beautiful blonde headed blue eyed 23 year old daughter and kissed her cheek and ran my fingers through her hair which was spread above her head on the floor. My angel, one of the two greatest blessing of my entire life, was gone to Heaven.
She looked peaceful, just like she was sleeping.
they told me they'd have to do an autopsy since she died at home, s they took her to a city about an hour away and brought her back the next afternoon. We still haven't seen a copy of the report but the death certificate says, Accidental overdose of prescription drugs. The coroner said she probably woke up, still in pain and took more medicine too soon together. She had called Jeff around 10:00 to see when he'd be in, but he said she hadn't mentioned feeling bad. He had to work until 12:00 finishing a job and when he came in he found her beside the bed. he tried CPR and called 911 but it was too late.
She was light in our home and hearts, a joy to be around, always doing everything she could to make our lives better. We miss her more than words can say. It's been 8 months tomorrow since she went to heaven and I have cried every single day for her.
She had accepted the Lord Jesus as her Savior and I know where she is today, but our family circle has been broken and we are so different than we were.
That's my story of my beautiful Erin.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't find the words.