I was raised in a christian family with my mom, my older sister and younger brother. My mom had left my father when my brother was 2 weeks old which made me 3 years old! I dont remember anything about him but Ive been told he was a very abusive person and a hubituary liar! I grew up moving alot all over Ontario so he wouldnt find us. I asked God to be the centre of my life when I was 11. I finally realized that it wasnt just a religion, it was a way of life. I have been through depression and bullying most of my childhood since being the new person. In 2006, we had our own family business in Meaford, ON and it was Gods way thru it all! The christmas of 2007 we were in a very bad car accident and my sister got a brain injury. Since it was a small town, we had to travel to London which was 4 hours for doctors. We had to go bankrupt and lost our house, our store, everything!
Thats when I honestly felt everything would change for the worst. Small town people know everyone and was told not to trust anyone cuz it would be turned into a rumor in seconds. So once we moved up here, my sister would never be home going out to do drugs and partying. So my mom decided to return to college to do Developmental Support Work stuff to help with my sister. We picked up our stuff and moved again! We asked around where not to move to the bad areas in the city and was told. We moved into a area close to the college. I met a friend the first day we moved there and she showed me around the area. I went back home to ask if i could go to her house and my mom asked where. I said the one area we were suppose to stay away from, Kipps Lane! I explained that it was just around the corner and down the street. We were doomed!!
That was the summer of grade 9, to make shure I woud make friends before high school starts. I was told not to hang out with, be careful of who and blah blah the basics. About a month into the summer, a guy down the hall from me had two friends over and asked if I wanted to hang out and I said sure because I always hung out with guys and got more along with them and didnt think anything bad would happen. Well that was wrong! They all cornered me in the stairwell of my building and used me, raped me and took advantage of me. Someone came in and I ran home crying. I went straight to bed and about half an hour I got a knock on the door from the guys and his new friends. I wasnt thinking and opened the door and the girls that was with them said I brought it onto them and I better be warned and be careful where I go now!
I was so scared I shut down for that next month before school! I would spend all day in my bed crying wishing I wasnt alive. I couldnt even leave my apartment cuz everyone knew. I felt how could God look at me now after being pure for my whole life and now Im worthless, dirty, and not worth anyones time! I never had a boyfriend before and not even kissed a boy before and now that was all taken away in seconds. Once school started, everyone knew and people that I didnt know would come up to me and rub it in my face. I wanted to die so bad. One night I went home and felt that no one would want me so I started with masturbation! I felt good at the time cuz I thought since no one would want me I can have fun by myself. NOT!!
We moved once again thought it would help!
I told no one about my little problem but I went on with my life regularly. No one would wanna talk to me if they knew my deep dark secret. Thought it would be nice that I could start a new fresh with no one knowing me. But I got into the people that did drugs, party all the time, got into trouble. At first I told myyself and them that I dont and wont do drugs. They got to me, I tried it once then again and again. I only did it socially so they would like me! While they laughed Im crying inside just wanting someone to pick me up and hold me like father picking up their daughter!
I got really close with this one girl and we started hanging out outside of school. We did everything together! One day, I slept over at her house and she introduced me to porn. From that moment on, I was hooked! It was our secret.. well guess not! Found out that everyone did in high school so I thought it was alright. But in the back of my head I always knew Im being looked down and if i tell one soul they would betray me. I started having feelings for this new friend that I never had. I knew that it wouldnt happen cuz im christian! Im now 2 years free of pornography and 1 month clean of masturbation!! AMEN
BTW (by the way) > Since I was a kid, I have been struggling with low self esteem and looking at myself the way God sees me. Its been hard accepting a compliment, all I want to do is cry when someone says something good about me! I need help with that too.. I know thats a process cuz thats been a longtime struggle!
Thats when I honestly felt everything would change for the worst. Small town people know everyone and was told not to trust anyone cuz it would be turned into a rumor in seconds. So once we moved up here, my sister would never be home going out to do drugs and partying. So my mom decided to return to college to do Developmental Support Work stuff to help with my sister. We picked up our stuff and moved again! We asked around where not to move to the bad areas in the city and was told. We moved into a area close to the college. I met a friend the first day we moved there and she showed me around the area. I went back home to ask if i could go to her house and my mom asked where. I said the one area we were suppose to stay away from, Kipps Lane! I explained that it was just around the corner and down the street. We were doomed!!
That was the summer of grade 9, to make shure I woud make friends before high school starts. I was told not to hang out with, be careful of who and blah blah the basics. About a month into the summer, a guy down the hall from me had two friends over and asked if I wanted to hang out and I said sure because I always hung out with guys and got more along with them and didnt think anything bad would happen. Well that was wrong! They all cornered me in the stairwell of my building and used me, raped me and took advantage of me. Someone came in and I ran home crying. I went straight to bed and about half an hour I got a knock on the door from the guys and his new friends. I wasnt thinking and opened the door and the girls that was with them said I brought it onto them and I better be warned and be careful where I go now!
I was so scared I shut down for that next month before school! I would spend all day in my bed crying wishing I wasnt alive. I couldnt even leave my apartment cuz everyone knew. I felt how could God look at me now after being pure for my whole life and now Im worthless, dirty, and not worth anyones time! I never had a boyfriend before and not even kissed a boy before and now that was all taken away in seconds. Once school started, everyone knew and people that I didnt know would come up to me and rub it in my face. I wanted to die so bad. One night I went home and felt that no one would want me so I started with masturbation! I felt good at the time cuz I thought since no one would want me I can have fun by myself. NOT!!
We moved once again thought it would help!
I told no one about my little problem but I went on with my life regularly. No one would wanna talk to me if they knew my deep dark secret. Thought it would be nice that I could start a new fresh with no one knowing me. But I got into the people that did drugs, party all the time, got into trouble. At first I told myyself and them that I dont and wont do drugs. They got to me, I tried it once then again and again. I only did it socially so they would like me! While they laughed Im crying inside just wanting someone to pick me up and hold me like father picking up their daughter!
I got really close with this one girl and we started hanging out outside of school. We did everything together! One day, I slept over at her house and she introduced me to porn. From that moment on, I was hooked! It was our secret.. well guess not! Found out that everyone did in high school so I thought it was alright. But in the back of my head I always knew Im being looked down and if i tell one soul they would betray me. I started having feelings for this new friend that I never had. I knew that it wouldnt happen cuz im christian! Im now 2 years free of pornography and 1 month clean of masturbation!! AMEN
BTW (by the way) > Since I was a kid, I have been struggling with low self esteem and looking at myself the way God sees me. Its been hard accepting a compliment, all I want to do is cry when someone says something good about me! I need help with that too.. I know thats a process cuz thats been a longtime struggle!
