My story*definate trigger warning*

[mrslisae]

I'm new and confused and uncertain as to where to put this thread...It might have to be moved but I really need to tell my story..I've had quite a few who don't believe me..I think if I hear any more negativity that I'll completely shut down emotionally..

I've been through alot more than just grieving, but for here, I'll just mention briefly my losses..It takes alot emotinally to talk about them...So I'll probably do one at a time..
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A little over 2yrs ago I went to visit my best friend "Momma"..She had been my mother figure for ten years..We were the closest of friends! I would go to her house with a problem and then if she had a problem too, then we'd end up comforting each other..She was the best "momma" I could ask for.

Well, on this day, "Momma" took me to her den as usual and we talked and talked and talked..She told me how much she loved me and how beautiful I was. She told me I was a wonderful mother and a wonderful wife. She told me how much I meant to her and how much our friendship meant..Then she told me she was being called Home.

She told me that God had been calling her and she didn't know when or how but she knew it was soon..

My response was " No, don't leave me. I can't live here without you. "

But she said " Its okay. I'll be your guardian angel."

Then we just sort of laughed it off and got back to enjoying the visit..The next thing she did was walk me back through her house and into her front room..It was a beautiful livingroom that I'd only been in once before, because her ankle was broken..So I knew that was my last visit..She never used that room!

Then two weeks passed and I'd been dealing with the thoughts of what she'd said..I was dealing with a lot of other things and avoiding church...

I got an invitation to see my nieces sing and dance at my old church..I started not to go but then I thought that maybe just maybe I'd get to see "momma"...

As soon as I stepped in the church door she greeted me...Oh she was so bubbly and full of life..She was smiling and laughing...She was wearing a long creme dress and it just flowed so loosly...She was so beautiful that day..

She grabbed me and hugged me full force..She she kissed my cheek and said

" I think you're precious, Precious. Don't you ever forget that! Oh I just love you so much.."

Then she walked down the hallway..

I watched my nieces both do their thing and then I quietly got up to leave early..When the pastor announced who was singing next...So I sat back down..

"Momma" sang out that day..She sounded like an angel..The words to the song she sang were

" I didn't see Him go up, but I'll see Him when He comes down. "

After she sang I left..

The following Wednesday she had a brain anuerism..She held on for days but the moment she got into her own room from icu, a blood clot killed her instantly.

She was just the beginning of the losses, but still to this day I miss her every day..Her picture is in my locket..I don't feel like I can live without her even though I've been doing it for over 2yrs..

 

[c1ners]

Welcome to CF buzymom! I hope you're getting more comfortable and starting to find your way around!

I'm sorry for your loss. Lossing loved ones is so hard.
Sometimes we never actually "get over" it, but God does give us the strength to on.

"Momma" sounds like a wonderful woman. You were blessed by God for having someone like this in your life. And now she is your guardian angel! How wonderful is that! She is always with you now. You may not be able to see her, or hear her, but she is there. She's guiding you, and she wants you to be happy. Rejoice for her, for she is finally out of pain, and she is home! She is home with God, and one day you'll be with her again. One day, when God says it's time. So for now, miss your friend, but live your life every day like it's your last. Never be afraid to love, to live, or to praise our Father God!

 

[mrslisae]

Thankyou..Some of my BIL's last words to me were " don't work her so hard! " ..

I had neary wrecked on my way to their house the day before "Momma's" funeral..I just wanted to be around someone who cared..My sister and my BIL who was like a brother to me..

I got the call 6 days after "Momma's" death..My FIL called down to me and asked me if I knew a name..

I answered back ofcourse I do, " he's my brother n law"..

" He's dead! "

Just a nice way of putting it, NOT...

I call my sister and she's hysterical..I call and make arrangements for my MIL to come home and watch my daugther and I drive like a maniac to my sister's house..My BIL had called her to say he was coming home instead of staying OTR another night...He was less than an hour away when his truck went off a bridge..

That one was just such a shock...Ofcourse I had to be strong for my sister and my niece...In my efforts I made many mistakes, including volunteering for clean up...That was a big mistake...I still have flash backs..

So that was funeral #2 but during the same week my mentor, the teacher I looked to for my guidance during highschool, also died...I didn't attend the funeral or the memorial..It was just too much...

I still grieve for him though and for my BIL and for my "Momma" and then there's.....

I need a break..

 

[mrslisae]

Okay there a huge ordeal surrounding my BIL's death..My mother didn't even come to my sister's house and we all hated her for it...She claimed her legs hurt..I just couldn't see it...I mean despite whats happened in the past, that is her daughter...When you're daughter is hurting to go to her side, regardless!!

So my sister never forgave my mother for that...The next year was a lot of me being the go inbetween..I started cooking and cleaning as my mother got worse...She had diabetes and serious weight problems..

The negativity was eating at me..I had so much going on and I just wanted to get away from her negativity and that of other family members...

I told her I wasn't going to the Christmas get together and she begged,pleaded,guilted,me into going...Well it turned out ok..The family actually got along for once, but I was still harboring anger at her for not being there for my sister the previous year..

The next week, Christmas Eve night, my dad couldn't wake her up...I spent Christmas Eve night out in the yard of my parent's home, in the freezing cold rain, comforting their dog...He was so upset over all the commotion of the hurse and people...So I stood outside freezing and waiting on my other sister...

She started not to come,, had it been dad I know she wouldn't have...But she came for dad's sake...

Then I went home to play Santa....

I didn't tell my little girl until a few days later...I didn't want to ruin her Christmas...Turns out, she wasn't terribly upset by the loss..

Its hard to grieve when there's so much pain there..

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The final and most recent death was a sad one...My friend "Momma's" widow remarried very shortly after her death, like 5 months..It all seemed too soon and they weren't exactly accepted...I went to the wedding because I felt thats what my friend would have wanted and even expected of me...Over time I grew to adore the new wife! She was so pleasent and sweet..Soft spoken and gentle...I really liked her...

I even went back to my old church and talked to her a few times after service...

It was after one of those visits, that I went home and finally felt strong enough to listen to my friend's cassette tape...It was the recording of her singing that last song at the church that last Sunday..

I was listening to that song on the radio just this past Spring...While the song was still playing, I received the call..

My newest and only living friend had died in a wreck on her way to work..

Now I find myself,,,well, just not trying to aweful hard to get to know anyone...Infact I'm trying extremely hard to avoid all attachments...

Thanks for listening

 

[HopeSeeker]

Blessed be all these special people's memories.

Praying for you.
God Bless.

 

[Ruth~]

I'm very sorry for your loss and the grief and pain you must be feeling. It often takes a long time to grieve the ones we are closest to. Maybe you can keep a journal or seek a Grief Support group for extra help.

 

[mrslisae]

It surely does take a long while. This week will mark 3yrs since that last conversation with "Momma"

 

[ladyt28]

First I want to say how terribly sorry I am to hear of all the losses you have experienced. And I know this may not have any impact on you at all but I too have been going through a series of losses and have become fearful of even more to come. First my mom died - I am an adopted only child and mom was my best friend. My step-son became angry at his dad and took off with no idea of where he was. Then Dad died so I felt like I was orphaned again. Then my very last relative that means anything to me, my aunt, died. After 4 years my step-son came back into our lives only to die 3/1/07 a month before he turned 26. We will never be grandparents, there is no one left to save anything for, no one to pass things on to.

My coworker and dear friend lost her husband suddenly. Then her sister died, then her mother and recently her dog of only 7 years was found dead in the yard and hadn't even been sick. She feels like God wouldn't even let her have a dog.

Turning back to God is the only way my husband, myself and my friend have survived all of these losses. Yes, we are all terrified of more loss and know it will come as it is a part of life. All we can do is live our lives in ways that our loved ones would be proud of - and to walk in the path that God lays for us.

May God Bless you!!

 

[JPPT1974]

Can't imagine losing my parents
At all but one day, their time will come
As will my time will! But we will come to heaven
Reuniting in heaven with Jesus Christ!