So I'm 49 years old. And let's just say I have a lot of mental health issues. I have hard time controlling my emotions. I feel constant stress and anxiety and fear and lonelyness, constant state of doom, depression, sadness. A sense of wanting to die....in short I'm a mess.
My position on Jesus started to soften after watching Choosen but even then I still wasn't ready. Then recently I hit rock bottom.
A women who was married that I've had a relationship with for 10 years or so ( yes I know it's wrong and I'm far from proud of it.). Well she and I got in to a fight and we haven't talked sense.
After our fight I feel in to a state of depression that lasted for 4 days. I couldn't get out bed. It aggravated and made thing worse for me. I just hit Rock bottom. I turned to God. Asked for forgiveness.
My intent was to get therapy and medicine to help me control my emotions better and get God to help fix me spiritual. But I found out I can't afford the therapy and psychiatrist. So now God is my only hope and find some measure of peace.
I won't lie I'm struggling. Some of you may understand how mental health issues is not so easy to over come and it does not help with hibitual sin. I feel like I'm fighting a battle for my soul. There times when my mental health just hits me and I fall apart and just cry because I want all the crap in my head to be silent.
Imagine feeling alone all the time. Imagine you feel like your life is about to fall apart a sense of dread and doom. Some times is loud and clear other times it's a buzz but it's always their. Imagine being constantly afraid of various things. Or have constant self doubt. Imagine feeling anxiety and stress. Imagine that constantly some times it's loud and clear and other times it's a dull buzz but it's there. Imagine you have no control over it. If you can even remotely imagine how that would feel and how that would impact your life and your ability to exist in this world and have friends and relationships then you can kind of understand me.
I have come to learn that God loves me. That I need to develope a relationship with him. And instead of relying on myself to rely on him. To learn to let him dictate my actions and not my emotions. That is not easy when your like me.
For me this is a war for my soul and all I can do is fight as hard as I can and not give up even if I stumble and fall. But I'm not alone on this.
Right now I'm so utterly alone in this world but I think this is were God wants me. He wants me alone so he can rebuild me. To learn how to follow Jesus and put my faith on him. While I say I'm alone I know I'm not cause he with me. I am nothing with out him.
I just want to make him proud of me. I don't want him to make me rich or solve my human problems. I want a relationship with him. I want him to show me how to follow Jesus. One thing I've recently come to understand is some people treat God like he some sort of Genie. He not; he our father. Like any parent we should not seek a relationship with him so he can do things for us but because we actually want one. Part of having that relationship is following his rules and obey him.
I wish I could say that Jesus appeared to me and I had some instinstant conversion but I didn't. Maybe he will appear to me but it will he by his choice not by mine. For me this is gone he a fight a war a struggle. I'm gone fail again and again but I'm gone keep trying till I get right finally or I die.
Any way that is my story in a nut shell. If you still reading this I thank you for listening.
My position on Jesus started to soften after watching Choosen but even then I still wasn't ready. Then recently I hit rock bottom.
A women who was married that I've had a relationship with for 10 years or so ( yes I know it's wrong and I'm far from proud of it.). Well she and I got in to a fight and we haven't talked sense.
After our fight I feel in to a state of depression that lasted for 4 days. I couldn't get out bed. It aggravated and made thing worse for me. I just hit Rock bottom. I turned to God. Asked for forgiveness.
My intent was to get therapy and medicine to help me control my emotions better and get God to help fix me spiritual. But I found out I can't afford the therapy and psychiatrist. So now God is my only hope and find some measure of peace.
I won't lie I'm struggling. Some of you may understand how mental health issues is not so easy to over come and it does not help with hibitual sin. I feel like I'm fighting a battle for my soul. There times when my mental health just hits me and I fall apart and just cry because I want all the crap in my head to be silent.
Imagine feeling alone all the time. Imagine you feel like your life is about to fall apart a sense of dread and doom. Some times is loud and clear other times it's a buzz but it's always their. Imagine being constantly afraid of various things. Or have constant self doubt. Imagine feeling anxiety and stress. Imagine that constantly some times it's loud and clear and other times it's a dull buzz but it's there. Imagine you have no control over it. If you can even remotely imagine how that would feel and how that would impact your life and your ability to exist in this world and have friends and relationships then you can kind of understand me.
I have come to learn that God loves me. That I need to develope a relationship with him. And instead of relying on myself to rely on him. To learn to let him dictate my actions and not my emotions. That is not easy when your like me.
For me this is a war for my soul and all I can do is fight as hard as I can and not give up even if I stumble and fall. But I'm not alone on this.
Right now I'm so utterly alone in this world but I think this is were God wants me. He wants me alone so he can rebuild me. To learn how to follow Jesus and put my faith on him. While I say I'm alone I know I'm not cause he with me. I am nothing with out him.
I just want to make him proud of me. I don't want him to make me rich or solve my human problems. I want a relationship with him. I want him to show me how to follow Jesus. One thing I've recently come to understand is some people treat God like he some sort of Genie. He not; he our father. Like any parent we should not seek a relationship with him so he can do things for us but because we actually want one. Part of having that relationship is following his rules and obey him.
I wish I could say that Jesus appeared to me and I had some instinstant conversion but I didn't. Maybe he will appear to me but it will he by his choice not by mine. For me this is gone he a fight a war a struggle. I'm gone fail again and again but I'm gone keep trying till I get right finally or I die.
Any way that is my story in a nut shell. If you still reading this I thank you for listening.
