My son was molested, too.

[MaraPetra]

We finally, FINALLY got my step-son to cooperate with a counselor and a psychiatrist. This has been a long road for me, because he and I have been doing a lot of talking these past few months. I was trying to get him to express his rage, get those emotions out, in whatever way necessary. I've been lucky in this respect; he recognizes someone who knows great pain, and recognition brings commisseration. My son doesn't trust anyone who doesn't "understand" him, so this has been a huge breakthrough for all of us parents. So, I've been reading his poetry, looking at his "secret" drawings, and talking about the emotions behind them.

We also spoke a lot about the mental health professionals we are bringing him to. I asked him to not mess with their heads, but to be truthful and candid. I told him about his privacy rights, how we as parents wouldn't know details, but only diagnoses. I tried to confer to him that these people would be safe for his thoughts and feelings. He's misled before, and it doesn't address what's bugging him.

Bottom line is, he was honest for once. The psychiatrist believes that my son was sexually molested at a young age. She says it manifests itself in what he's been doing for years...Rages, kleptomania, discipline problems, oppositionality, suicidal tendencies/thoughts, violence, problems in school, chronic lying, etc. ADHD may play a part, but initial diagnosis is firm.

This would have happened long before I came into the picture (he was 7 when I met his dad), so I wouldn't even be able to think of suspects. And his mom...Well, during the kids' initial six years, she had a lot of men going in and out of her life. I can't help in that area, but I want to at least give my son an outlet.

This is a totally different set of circumstances from what I went thought, though (I was 11, and I remember). How do I help him cope? He's 13.

 

[FaithfulWife]

MaraPetra,

I'll certainly be praying for you and your son. I'm not qualified to answer about how to help him cope, but I do know that my dear hubby had an incident in his youth as well, and even as a grown, married, adult man it still affects him to this day. I'm not saying women are lucky, but in a way we are because at least we do have counselors and support groups and systems in place to help us--the men have NOTHING! And to admit that it even happened is just not usually something a man can do at all...ever...because it's unmanly!

I think it will help a lot that he's finally told the truth and is speaking to someone about it. Meanwhile, I'll hold you all in my prayers.


~Faithful

 

[MaraPetra]

Thank you, ma'am!

 

[FaithfulWife]

What has helped you cope through the years--or I should say what HEALTHY things have helped you cope?

For me, writing was a big help...writing with a pen or pencil because it uses energy to write and I can write exactly what is in my head. It's not always pretty but at least it's honest and it helps to get it out.


~Faithful

 

[MaraPetra]

For the longest time, I didn't cope. I'd repressed everything, to a point that there were long stretches of years where I couldn't remember one single detail. Then, I had a catharsis that threw me into flashbacks,and I started stuffing. When it would get too much, I'd explode in rage. All this was spiced with occasional flashbacks, which just made my emotional state that much more fragile at the time.

Once I rechanneled everything (it took me three years), I started writing again. I also do a lot of art, both digital and hand, as self-expression. I'd stopped using both conduits for a very long time, so returning to those activities was like meeting old, dear friends after many years of being away.

It's been awesome to find my son's talent is in artistry, too. His mother's family has several noted artists, and e shows remarkable skill for someone so untrained.

 

[Johnnz]

What we enjoy can become a source of life and renewal for us. The Bible states Prov 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. NIV

Encourage and communicate with him with what he enjoys doing.

John
NZ

 

[MaraPetra]

I'm there, John.

Some of his drawings are dark, painful, tortured. I know what he's expressing, & it's a privilege to be allowed to observe it. It's like listening to his iPod playlist, and knowing that the music therein is an open window to what he is thinking and feeling. His parents, as Christians who haven't been down "this" road, have responded negatively to the things he creates. They see the violence, but they don't see the pain fueling it.

Several months ago, his mother found some of his expressive works, and freaked out because they were either raging, self-harming, or distinctly erotic. His mom, horrified, confiscated them. His dad supported her decision. Since then, he's become secretive to them on many levels. Nothing I say to him will bring back his trust for them, because he feels they don't understand him. He's been pushed far, far back from the Light...And I know something about his Darkness, because I was once there myself. So, Christian sensitivities horrified or not, I'm meeting him there. I just pray God brings him through all this okay, because we're all really missing his beautiful personality. At this point, though, I'll take a black wellspring over a plugged volcano.

I've been encouraging him to bring his works to his counselor & psychiatrist, as they will give them valuable insights into what his mind's doing.