My secret addiction

[Struggling3]

I'm a 30 year old married woman. I have a secret addiction that no one knows about but me and I'm struggling!

I am addicted to talking to men online. It doesn't even have to be a sexual conversation. I do go for long periods of time without getting online and going to places I shouldn't go, but then I eventually cave and do. I usually find one guy to chat with over a period of days and then guilt consumes me and I cut all contact and go back to being the good and faithful wife I should be. I pray and repent and ask for forgiveness. Then a period of time goes by and I'm right back at it. It's a vicious cycle. I have a really happy marriage and I have absolutely no reason to be behaving in this way. I know its a terrible sin...even though it doesn't involve any sort of physical contact it is emotional. I'm hoping for some prayers and advice. I can't talk to my husband about this. I did have an affair before that was physical and it took him a really long time to forgive me. This would be like pouring salt in the wounds. I can't do that. That's why I am reaching out here. Please help!

 

[JoeP222w]

I'm a 30 year old married woman. I have a secret addiction that no one knows about but me and I'm struggling!

I am addicted to talking to men online. It doesn't even have to be a sexual conversation. I do go for long periods of time without getting online and going to places I shouldn't go, but then I eventually cave and do. I usually find one guy to chat with over a period of days and then guilt consumes me and I cut all contact and go back to being the good and faithful wife I should be. I pray and repent and ask for forgiveness. Then a period of time goes by and I'm right back at it. It's a vicious cycle. I have a really happy marriage and I have absolutely no reason to be behaving in this way. I know its a terrible sin...even though it doesn't involve any sort of physical contact it is emotional. I'm hoping for some prayers and advice. I can't talk to my husband about this. I did have an affair before that was physical and it took him a really long time to forgive me. This would be like pouring salt in the wounds. I can't do that. That's why I am reaching out here. Please help!

You need Biblical counseling. And you need to tell your husband as soon as possible. Keeping secrets from your spouse is never a good thing.

You may very well need to get rid of your computer altogether so as to remove any temptation. If you do not kill your sin, it will kill you.

 

[SkyWriting]

I'm a 30 year old married woman. I have a secret addiction that no one knows about but me and I'm struggling!

I am addicted to talking to men online. It doesn't even have to be a sexual conversation. I do go for long periods of time without getting online and going to places I shouldn't go, but then I eventually cave and do. I usually find one guy to chat with over a period of days and then guilt consumes me and I cut all contact and go back to being the good and faithful wife I should be. I pray and repent and ask for forgiveness. Then a period of time goes by and I'm right back at it. It's a vicious cycle. I have a really happy marriage and I have absolutely no reason to be behaving in this way. I know its a terrible sin...even though it doesn't involve any sort of physical contact it is emotional. I'm hoping for some prayers and advice. I can't talk to my husband about this. I did have an affair before that was physical and it took him a really long time to forgive me. This would be like pouring salt in the wounds. I can't do that. That's why I am reaching out here. Please help!

Counseling will help. You must replace your current habits with ones that you prefer.

 

[Edo2]

I heard a pastor say the best way to avoid temptation is too cut that temptation out of your life. Said it wasn't because he was strong but because he was weak.

I've been down the road you are on so you aren't alone in it.

 

[mkgal1]

You may want to look around at this web site: Restoring the Soul
You're obviously searching for something (or hiding something?)...only a bit of honest self-reflection (maybe through counseling--as it's been posted already) would give you your answers. Simply stopping the behavior isn't going to be enough. This is a shot in the dark.....but what's your relationship like with your father?

 

[akmom]

What are you looking for? Just conversation? Admiration? There's a lot of advice about how to cut things out of your life. Much less advice is about how to meet your needs in ways that ARE acceptable.

If you're lonely, and don't have much opportunity for meaningful connection, or the people in your life simply aren't extending any companionship to you or responding to your bids for connection, then you're going to be lonely. And few people can be lonely for long. It's hard to build meaningful relationships from scratch. I mean, you can't just go for a walk and introduce yourself to people you see. You can't just go on Craigslist and look for friends in your area. (I've experimented with both those strategies.) You pretty much need an alternate reason to see someone on a regular basis (like working with them, or going to school together, maybe church) and then you build a friendship from there. But if you don't have those kinds of circumstantial relationships, or you're simply not connecting with those people, then you're going to be lonely. The only exception to that dynamic is romance. For some reason, a romantic interest seems to be enough of a reason to meet a new person, that you don't otherwise have any reason to see regularly, and invest in getting to know them. It's kind of a cheap, quick solution to the problem of not having anyone that you're close to. And I'd bet money that's why you're drawn to doing it. That it's about craving socialization, not lust. Otherwise you'd be pursuing a physical relationship with them too.

Do you have any close friends other than your husband? Do you see them regularly?

 

[Hidden In Him]

I have a really happy marriage and I have absolutely no reason to be behaving in this way. I know its a terrible sin...even though it doesn't involve any sort of physical contact it is emotional.

Telling your husband may be tough but it needs to be done...

I would tend to agree with Lilac here, at least on the first part of her response. Yes, being physically unfaithful was a huge no, no, and it puts you in a bad situation now. But even so, this is your life partner. Of all the people on earth, this is the one who needs to know and understand you the most.

Granted just going to him out of the blue and saying something like, "Sweetheart. Listen, I get the hots for other men emotionally online..." is probably not gonna go over well. But there is a definite emotional need here that HE is not meeting for you, and the Biblical command IMHO was not just that we meet the physical needs of our spouses, but their emotional and psychological ones as well, or at least be at peace with the fact that they have them met elsewhere (the emotional and psychological ones that is, such as thru a girlfriend, a sister, a brother, etc). But in general, if this is a genuine need to the soul God gave you, then it is one your husband should be meeting, so you don't end up having to go elsewhere to meet it.

Is your husband a Christian?

 

[lambkisses]

I'm a 30 year old married woman. I have a secret addiction that no one knows about but me and I'm struggling!

I am addicted to talking to men online. It doesn't even have to be a sexual conversation. I do go for long periods of time without getting online and going to places I shouldn't go, but then I eventually cave and do. I usually find one guy to chat with over a period of days and then guilt consumes me and I cut all contact and go back to being the good and faithful wife I should be. I pray and repent and ask for forgiveness. Then a period of time goes by and I'm right back at it. It's a vicious cycle. I have a really happy marriage and I have absolutely no reason to be behaving in this way. I know its a terrible sin...even though it doesn't involve any sort of physical contact it is emotional. I'm hoping for some prayers and advice. I can't talk to my husband about this. I did have an affair before that was physical and it took him a really long time to forgive me. This would be like pouring salt in the wounds. I can't do that. That's why I am reaching out here. Please help!

Where exactly online are you meeting these men to chat? I ask because I have an idea. You say that the conversations don't have to be sexual in nature. I like @akmom's suggestion that you may need companionship. Why don't you strike up some friendships with people you meet here in this forum? That way you can have your online companionship and build meaningful platonic friendships with people whom do not wish to lead you astray?

 

[Struggling3]

You may want to look around at this web site: Restoring the Soul
You're obviously searching for something (or hiding something?)...only a bit of honest self-reflection (maybe through counseling--as it's been posted already) would give you your answers. Simply stopping the behavior isn't going to be enough. This is a shot in the dark.....but what's your relationship like with your father?

Thanks for your reply. To answer your question my father passed away. He's been gone about 3 years.

 

[Struggling3]

What are you looking for? Just conversation? Admiration? There's a lot of advice about how to cut things out of your life. Much less advice is about how to meet your needs in ways that ARE acceptable.

If you're lonely, and don't have much opportunity for meaningful connection, or the people in your life simply aren't extending any companionship to you or responding to your bids for connection, then you're going to be lonely. And few people can be lonely for long. It's hard to build meaningful relationships from scratch. I mean, you can't just go for a walk and introduce yourself to people you see. You can't just go on Craigslist and look for friends in your area. (I've experimented with both those strategies.) You pretty much need an alternate reason to see someone on a regular basis (like working with them, or going to school together, maybe church) and then you build a friendship from there. But if you don't have those kinds of circumstantial relationships, or you're simply not connecting with those people, then you're going to be lonely. The only exception to that dynamic is romance. For some reason, a romantic interest seems to be enough of a reason to meet a new person, that you don't otherwise have any reason to see regularly, and invest in getting to know them. It's kind of a cheap, quick solution to the problem of not having anyone that you're close to. And I'd bet money that's why you're drawn to doing it. That it's about craving socialization, not lust. Otherwise you'd be pursuing a physical relationship with them too.

Do you have any close friends other than your husband? Do you see them regularly?

Wow...you may have just open my eyes to something I have never even thought about. This may very well be the reason. I really am lonely. I don't have many close friends...actually none to be honest. There are only a handful of people in my life that know me well...and they still don't know me that well. I have a tendency to be distant and to push people away if I feel they are getting too close. I'm not really sure yet what it is that I'm so afraid of.

 

[Struggling3]

Where exactly online are you meeting these men to chat? I ask because I have an idea. You say that the conversations don't have to be sexual in nature. I like @akmom's suggestion that you may need companionship. Why don't you strike up some friendships with people you meet here in this forum? That way you can have your online companionship and build meaningful platonic friendships with people whom do not wish to lead you astray?

That really sounds like a great idea. I meet these other men on sites I have no business being on. They are there for one thing only. Me...not so much. But I guess I feel like if I want them to talk to me I need to meet them in a place like that. That sounds horrible and it is...horrible. I've been restricting myself from any and all sites like that. It doesn't mean the temptation is not there. I just haven't been giving into it.

 

[lambkisses]

That really sounds like a great idea. I meet these other men on sites I have no business being on. They are there for one thing only. Me...not so much. But I guess I feel like if I want them to talk to me I need to meet them in a place like that. That sounds horrible and it is...horrible. I've been restricting myself from any and all sites like that. It doesn't mean the temptation is not there. I just haven't been giving into it.

I am sure there are people here both men and women who would love to be friends and chat about benign things like day to day life and heavier spiritual things like the meaning of the gospels and our callings. Maybe if you filled your time and mind with things that are of a philosophical nature that desire for the companionship if those men would be replaced with a thirst for understanding of Scripture and human nature, and we all know what a thirst for scriptural understanding leads to. I personally life coming here and posing questions which address the compromises we must make in order to navigate the realities of our increasingly secularized society.

 

[Hidden In Him]

Where exactly online are you meeting these men to chat? I ask because I have an idea. You say that the conversations don't have to be sexual in nature. I like @akmom's suggestion that you may need companionship. Why don't you strike up some friendships with people you meet here in this forum? That way you can have your online companionship and build meaningful platonic friendships with people whom do not wish to lead you astray?

Yes. Now that you are quoting this post, Struggling, I completely agree with it. Might have missed it since it was posted just this morning. This sounds to me like excellent advice. I have already made several friends here and some of the opposite sex. There's always a bit of a temptation there, too, but its among stronger, Spirit-led believers who understand it, express it, face the fact lovingly in friendship, laugh about it a little, and then move on to being good friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. And where ever and whenever there might be a need for sharing their hearts with one another again, you're there for each other, and can touch each other deeply on an emotional level, but in a proper, godly and spiritual way (1 Thessalonians 2:7-8).

 

[akmom]

I have a tendency to be distant and to push people away if I feel they are getting too close. I'm not really sure yet what it is that I'm so afraid of.

I hear you. I have trouble gauging where a conversation is going. Do they want to stick with niceties? Do they find this topic as fascinating as I do, or are they just being polite? How do I respond politely when they divulge TMI? How do I redirect really personal questions I don't want to answer, or don't want to answer unless I end up knowing them better?

I like to do stuff with friends, not *just* talk. I'm not terribly talkative. I like to go for a hike, or build stuff, or plant stuff, or discuss topics I'm really interested in. Internet forums are "okay" I guess. At least you have a topic you are discussing. Making small talk without a prompt is harder, and not really fulfilling either. Back in school and college it was easier to make friends because we were already grouped into common interests. Parenthood doesn't seem to be much of a "common interest" in itself.

I have put out a lot of open invitations on Facebook, and it seems to generate a lot of interest and support in the form of comments, but no one actually offers to show up. The only invitations I get are sales pitches. Sure there is companionship at those kinds of things, but it doesn't feel genuine when you know they just want you to buy something.

 

[lambkisses]

Yes. Now that you are quoting this post, Struggling, I completely agree with it. Might have missed it since it was posted just this morning. This sounds to me like excellent advice. I have already made several friends here and some of the opposite sex. There's always a bit of a temptation there, too, but its among stronger, Spirit-led believers who understand it, express it, face the fact lovingly in friendship, laugh about it a little, and then move on to being good friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. And where ever and whenever there might be a need for sharing their hearts with one another again, you're there for each other, and can touch each other deeply on an emotional level, but in a proper, godly and spiritual way (1 Thessalonians 2:7-8).

I am NOT condoning @Struggling3's addiction and I think believe that it is very good of her to seek advice here but u do want to tell her I completely understand her situation. If you want to look at this in a very broad sense, the reason for her seeking conversation of men online is exactly why I ask my questions here.
My husband is a great guy. My needs both physically (food, shelter, sex, ect) and emotionally are fulfilled. However, the one big thing that my husband is unable to fulfill for me is my desire to understand better our faith. And what makes my situation particularly frustrating is that he knows more scripture than any one else I know. He knows so much to the point that he use to constantly frustrate pastors by manipulating interpretation of passages, especially when they are trying to counsel or admonish him. Despite his knowledge of Scripture he REFUSES to have mature discussions with me concerning ethics, faith, or matters of morality. Even when they are hypothetical discussions that have absolutely no relationship to his personal behavior,he just can't seem to conduct a mature discourse. I posted some of the questions I posted because I absolutely could not get him to engage me intelligently.
Like when I was asking him his opinion on the nature of spousal abuse, specifically a husband hitting his wife, that should have been something that we could have discussed maturely. There was really no controversy since we both agree is wrong. But still it was impossible to talk to him about it. It began descent enough with him bringing up his thoughts on the part culture plays, but then the talk lost all it's seriousness when I mentioned battered women. When I said "battered women" he started playfully pinching my ribs and thighs and telling me I would taste better roasted. I tried to get him back to the discussion but he kept playful squeezing me and mouthing me until I forgot about the discussion and we became intimate.
So I see how some times interaction with strangers online can fulfill some needs a spouse either can't or won't.

 

[Hidden In Him]

he just can't seem to conduct a mature discourse.

Why? I.e. why not a "mature discourse." What does he do instead? (Wrote this before reading the rest of your post).

I tried to get him back to the discussion but he kept playful squeezing me and mouthing me until I forgot about the discussion and we became intimate.

Good Heavens!! Does he know how much he is disappointing you in this?! I'm guessing he has no idea whatsoever, and was just trying to stay "I love you. Don't take this conversation too hard. Cheer up. Let me make you laugh." Wow. He could have absolutely NO idea how he's actually hurting you without intending to.

Does he respect you mentally?

 

[lambkisses]

Why? I.e. why not a "mature discourse." What does he do instead? (Wrote this before reading the rest of your post).


Good Heavens!! Does he know how much he is disappointing you in this?! I'm guessing he has no idea whatsoever, and was just trying to stay "I love you. Don't take this conversation too hard. Cheer up. Let me make you laugh." Wow. He could have absolutely NO idea how he's actually hurting you without intending to.

Does he respect you mentally?

Honestly, this doesn't actually hurt me. I have accepted that he is a merrymaker. That's probably part if his calling. Is frustrating knowing that the knowledge and intelligence is locked up in that brain of his but it is not fair to say it's hurtful. The feeling is more akin having a cookie jar that's impossible to open.
The point of my post was to say that petitioning strangers online for discourse is not necessarily "bad". Some times it is necessary if the discourse is not available with an SO. It becomes bad when the focus of the discourse is something negative/sinful.

 

[Hidden In Him]

Honestly, this doesn't actually hurt me. I have accepted that he is a merrymaker. That's probably part of his calling. Is frustrating knowing that the knowledge and intelligence is locked up in that brain of his but it is not fair to say it's hurtful. The feeling is more akin having a cookie jar that's impossible to open.
The point of my post was to say that petitioning strangers online for discourse is not necessarily "bad". Some times it is necessary if the discourse is not available with an SO. It becomes bad when the focus of the discourse is something negative/sinful.

Yes, I agree.

But about your husband, don't you think maybe you should be pressing him a little harder that you really want to be serious? Next time he starts pinching you and telling you how good you'd be roasted, grab him firmly by his family jewels and then summarily push him off the bed, face first. That might get the message across.

 

[mkgal1]

Thanks for your reply. To answer your question my father passed away. He's been gone about 3 years.

I'm sorry to hear that (read that). Prior to his passing.....what was your relationship like?

 

[mkgal1]

I have a tendency to be distant and to push people away if I feel they are getting too close. I'm not really sure yet what it is that I'm so afraid of.

This seems to be what you need to figure out. You're not alone.....it seems that most people would rather create some sort of "mask" to present to others rather than be their true self (but you seem to be acknowledging the shallowness in that--sort of like Solomon).

You may relate to these videos (and if you like reading....his book Scary Close):