- Jul 21, 2023
- 6
- 5
- 47
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
When I first started it was just out of the blue. The pope was on Christmas Eve and there it went. Inside a very nasty thing came out about the pope.
For the next 3 months, it was on. My mind would just blurt out nasty things about God and Jesus. I felt so bad. I remember just crying for hours because i did not know what was happening and how to handle it. I fought this for about 17 years before i said a word to anybody about it.
Fast forward to today. I can not go ten minutes without saying something disrespectful about God, Jesus,Heaven,other religious figures and my family. I dont even want to say what comes out. You get the idea. I also do not mean or want to say the disrespectful stuff at all. So now, I am apologizing to God and Jesus and during the apology i either splurge out more bad thoughts, images, bad numbers, comments etc and i have to start over. Man, some days I can do it basically the whole day. Rarely getting a break. If i dont apologize i kinda get the bad stomach feeling and my nerves goes through my body making me a nervous wreck. Only saying the apology right will stop that. My brain knows this and it goes all out to stop me from doing the apology right.
For example, about 10 years ago there was a hockey player named mirslov satan. At the time i was a big hockey fan but not even a saber fan in which he played for. Im from the philly subrubs and like the flyers. Point is it got to the point where it evolved to were I was apologizing and could not get through it bcuz the picture of this guy and uniform would not leave my head. Ohh some long days here apologizing over n over. Then it evolved to i had to say another players name when i was done apologizing to prevent that player to come into my head.
Fast forward to now and this is a mess bcuz now i have all these hockey players in my head that i am no longer allowed to use. For ex, if a players has played or play for the nj devils is elimnated for obvious reasons. A team like the Calgary flames players past or present elimnated for obvious reasons. Anyone who wore number 66 elimnated. Etc. Through the years this began as a way to avoid that first players name and has evolved to almost no nhl player can be used bcuz if i go down the line i find something wrong. Its weird, i have a horrible memory but if i see this negative stuff once I suddenly become a genius remembering what were now against the rules. I do this with nfl players. If a wr ever had a 6 catch for 66 yards i will remember it at some point out of the blue diring apologizing. Songs, i remember i had that song i think its called chop suey, where they say angels must die or something close to that. It was always on the mainstream radio. Also, the ac/dc songs and I don't know who sings it but the songs called running with devil. Now the songs got to the point where i have to play a positive song just so these wont come into my head during apologizing. It helps but its still a battle. As funny as this sounds the song i use alot is who let the dogs out. I need something catchy.
As you can imagine after I blurt out disrespectful things inside like i have turret syndrome, i immediately apologize and something from this post will constantly come into my head making me start over and having a long day. There is even more things that i battle with. I can write a book there so many.
Lastly, and im skipping alot of things, my head is messing with me in a weird way. Whatever I think, it takes the opposite view. The big one is if theres God, Jesus and Heaven and I believe in that but if something bad is on the news my head will start with theres no God. Then, i have to go to google and write why do bad things happen. Eventually, ill get a good answer and can close the case. Then, I see scientists say some things on how the universe was made and im like theres no way the universe could of had all these laws and things randomly happening like I believe an electron and a neutron are the exact weight to make stars and if its a bit more or less there would be nothing in the universe. Dont quote me on that. But my head starts playing with me and says " this is how it started and not from God." More research to do until i find a good answer that convinces me. I also been through it with the multiverse, simulation theory and hawkings saying theres no God. My head has a field day. Now, im researching until i get the right answers that convince me. You cant really find info on hawkings bcuz that was his belief. What scares me with him was i know he was pretty smart. My head has a field day. Theres more but you get the idea. Funny thing is, these things repeat. I have looked up all of this stuff so many times to sooth my mind. What happens is after i find convincing evidence a few months down the road ill see something again about what i looked up and the whole process starts over. Never ending story.
I dont know how i forgot to put this in but any religious pictures, bibles, tv shows about religion and any religious item is an absolute field day for my head. I go off again for no reason whatsoever and i have to stand st the picture and apologize to it. Problem is with all these things i already mentioned and even more that I haven't, one of them goes through my head at the time. This is tough bcuz you have to hide it from the people you live with.
What do you think. Do you consider my scrupulosity really bad. Its really debilitating. Im at the point in life were all my happiness has been drained with this battle. I also suffer from other stuff like noticing every breath you take and your afraid your gonna mess it up, back when the mayans supposedly predicted the end of the world (that was a tough 6 years thinking theres no future left) plus other end of the world stuff too, and I also suffer from other stuff. I have been diagnosed with ocd, anxiety and depression. I go to therapy but this stuff is so hard to talk about face to face that i dont even bring up the scrupulosity but now it has a name and i can bring it up next time. I doubt they can do anything for me. I think im way too far gone. Putting all this stuff together in this last paragraph i think at times i suffer from something like miltary ps and i forget the rest. My body is in constant shock and nervousness. I was scared to death so many times that im jumpy and nervous.
Thats my depressing story. I haven't told but a couple people. Any suggestions to get better. Thanks. Joe
For the next 3 months, it was on. My mind would just blurt out nasty things about God and Jesus. I felt so bad. I remember just crying for hours because i did not know what was happening and how to handle it. I fought this for about 17 years before i said a word to anybody about it.
Fast forward to today. I can not go ten minutes without saying something disrespectful about God, Jesus,Heaven,other religious figures and my family. I dont even want to say what comes out. You get the idea. I also do not mean or want to say the disrespectful stuff at all. So now, I am apologizing to God and Jesus and during the apology i either splurge out more bad thoughts, images, bad numbers, comments etc and i have to start over. Man, some days I can do it basically the whole day. Rarely getting a break. If i dont apologize i kinda get the bad stomach feeling and my nerves goes through my body making me a nervous wreck. Only saying the apology right will stop that. My brain knows this and it goes all out to stop me from doing the apology right.
For example, about 10 years ago there was a hockey player named mirslov satan. At the time i was a big hockey fan but not even a saber fan in which he played for. Im from the philly subrubs and like the flyers. Point is it got to the point where it evolved to were I was apologizing and could not get through it bcuz the picture of this guy and uniform would not leave my head. Ohh some long days here apologizing over n over. Then it evolved to i had to say another players name when i was done apologizing to prevent that player to come into my head.
Fast forward to now and this is a mess bcuz now i have all these hockey players in my head that i am no longer allowed to use. For ex, if a players has played or play for the nj devils is elimnated for obvious reasons. A team like the Calgary flames players past or present elimnated for obvious reasons. Anyone who wore number 66 elimnated. Etc. Through the years this began as a way to avoid that first players name and has evolved to almost no nhl player can be used bcuz if i go down the line i find something wrong. Its weird, i have a horrible memory but if i see this negative stuff once I suddenly become a genius remembering what were now against the rules. I do this with nfl players. If a wr ever had a 6 catch for 66 yards i will remember it at some point out of the blue diring apologizing. Songs, i remember i had that song i think its called chop suey, where they say angels must die or something close to that. It was always on the mainstream radio. Also, the ac/dc songs and I don't know who sings it but the songs called running with devil. Now the songs got to the point where i have to play a positive song just so these wont come into my head during apologizing. It helps but its still a battle. As funny as this sounds the song i use alot is who let the dogs out. I need something catchy.
As you can imagine after I blurt out disrespectful things inside like i have turret syndrome, i immediately apologize and something from this post will constantly come into my head making me start over and having a long day. There is even more things that i battle with. I can write a book there so many.
Lastly, and im skipping alot of things, my head is messing with me in a weird way. Whatever I think, it takes the opposite view. The big one is if theres God, Jesus and Heaven and I believe in that but if something bad is on the news my head will start with theres no God. Then, i have to go to google and write why do bad things happen. Eventually, ill get a good answer and can close the case. Then, I see scientists say some things on how the universe was made and im like theres no way the universe could of had all these laws and things randomly happening like I believe an electron and a neutron are the exact weight to make stars and if its a bit more or less there would be nothing in the universe. Dont quote me on that. But my head starts playing with me and says " this is how it started and not from God." More research to do until i find a good answer that convinces me. I also been through it with the multiverse, simulation theory and hawkings saying theres no God. My head has a field day. Now, im researching until i get the right answers that convince me. You cant really find info on hawkings bcuz that was his belief. What scares me with him was i know he was pretty smart. My head has a field day. Theres more but you get the idea. Funny thing is, these things repeat. I have looked up all of this stuff so many times to sooth my mind. What happens is after i find convincing evidence a few months down the road ill see something again about what i looked up and the whole process starts over. Never ending story.
I dont know how i forgot to put this in but any religious pictures, bibles, tv shows about religion and any religious item is an absolute field day for my head. I go off again for no reason whatsoever and i have to stand st the picture and apologize to it. Problem is with all these things i already mentioned and even more that I haven't, one of them goes through my head at the time. This is tough bcuz you have to hide it from the people you live with.
What do you think. Do you consider my scrupulosity really bad. Its really debilitating. Im at the point in life were all my happiness has been drained with this battle. I also suffer from other stuff like noticing every breath you take and your afraid your gonna mess it up, back when the mayans supposedly predicted the end of the world (that was a tough 6 years thinking theres no future left) plus other end of the world stuff too, and I also suffer from other stuff. I have been diagnosed with ocd, anxiety and depression. I go to therapy but this stuff is so hard to talk about face to face that i dont even bring up the scrupulosity but now it has a name and i can bring it up next time. I doubt they can do anything for me. I think im way too far gone. Putting all this stuff together in this last paragraph i think at times i suffer from something like miltary ps and i forget the rest. My body is in constant shock and nervousness. I was scared to death so many times that im jumpy and nervous.
Thats my depressing story. I haven't told but a couple people. Any suggestions to get better. Thanks. Joe
