My parents are pressuring him

[California Dreamin']

I have a friend obsessed with getting engaged, and told everyone she was getting engaged last year in July, it never happened. Then she told everyone Christmas, never happened. Apparently he's "had" the ring since before Christmas (I think she told someone in September that he had it then), and he still hasn't asked. Now she's saying that he will this summer... but he isn't ready to settle down at all, his lifestyle is different from hers.

 

[Briseis]

Umm, thanks, I think.

 

[katautumn]

It has nothing to do with not being sure. He is sure, just not yet.

He's sure he wants to marry, just not now? Or he's sure that someday he'll be sure he wants to marry you? I know in your OP you said you disagree with his line of reasoning for putting off the engagement. Why can't he commit to the commitment (in other words, make an official engagement) and just have a long engagement? I can understand waiting to get married until he has his finances and everything in order, but I can't understand putting off the engagement itself.

 

[Briseis]

Well, an engagement would appease my parents, but it wouldnt make the wedding come any faster. I'm one of those who doesnt care when or how long, only the wedding date matters. I wass going to mention it to him the other day, but then he was almost crying and wanted to change the subject. Im afraid I wont get another chance to bring it up. It should have been one of the first things I mentioned, instead I waited and lost my chance. Since he wanted to change the subject, I dont know if he would get upset again if I brought it up later.

 

[The Princess Bride]

How long to YOU is a reasonable span of time for him to wait before asking you to marry him?

 

[Briseis]

Well, understanding how he is, I wouldnt have expected him to ask me until he was done school. So, this summer would have been nice, since he was done in April. But, I also wouldnt be surprised if he waited a full year to settle himself, so next summer. He is an overly cautious person. But, beyond that is unreasonable, even for him.

 

[California Dreamin']

Well, understanding how he is, I wouldnt have expected him to ask me until he was done school. So, this summer would have been nice, since he was done in April. But, I also wouldnt be surprised if he waited a full year to settle himself, so next summer. He is an overly cautious person. But, beyond that is unreasonable, even for him.

I'm glad to see that you have a time limit in mind.

 

[Bootstrap]

Well, understanding how he is, I wouldnt have expected him to ask me until he was done school. So, this summer would have been nice, since he was done in April. But, I also wouldnt be surprised if he waited a full year to settle himself, so next summer. He is an overly cautious person. But, beyond that is unreasonable, even for him.

It sounds like you're figuring this out.

Jonathan

 

[Where]

I understand being a very cautious person. No doubt he is a perfectionist and wants everything to be just right and in order before you two marry. The only problem is that there is no such thing as a perfect time and no such thing as perfect order. It is like the old saying, "If you wait for all the lights to turn green, you will be waiting forever." Here is an example: he could get everything in order, with himself and everything else. He could get a great job, you could get a nice place to live and have a nice wedding, nice honeymoon, etc. The next week he could be out of a job. You see, there are no guarantees in this life. The only thing we can rest on is our future with Christ, but other than that anything can happen. Tell him to remember this....GOD IS IN CONTROL!!!! God loves marriage (He created it),and He also promises to provide for us. Remember that there is no such thing as perfection. Marriage aren't perfect,lol.

I hope this helps in some way. I am a very cautious/worried person myself. However, my wife and I met and married in 8 months. This is was very uncharacteristic for both of us, but it is the best choice we have ever made.

"God has not given a spirit of fear, but of power,love, and of sound mind"...(somewhere in one of the Timothy books)

Again, hope this helps

 

[bliz]

Clearly Mom is out of bounds. She is way over-reacting and already has TMI. As you mentioned, stop telling her so much about what's going on between the two of you. You might also ask you dad if he can get her to back off a bit.

At the same time, do you have a clear idea of what your bf is working on in his life in order to be ready to marry? Is he taking action steps to make these changes happen? Is he working with a mentor? Are his expectations realistic? It is not necessary to have every square inch of one's life neatly in order before getting married, and marriage is going to require a lot of reordering and rearrangements in both of your lives.

Meanwhile, please don't put your life on hold. Do things you want to do, make friends, get out and about.

 

[Bootstrap]

However, my wife and I met and married in 8 months. This is was very uncharacteristic for both of us, but it is the best choice we have ever made.

My ex and I dated for 6 months before we got engaged, and we were married within a year. That was a terrible decision for us.

There was so much we were blind to, and it's hard to imagine we wouldn't have walked away from the relationship if we had given it more time. Because we both believe strongly in marriage, we really tried to make it work for 23 miserable years.

So I'm less sanguine about quick decisions to marry.

My parents said that you should date for 2 years before getting engaged. Subjectively, that seems like a good guideline, I certainly know my girlfriend *much* better after 2 years than I did after 1, and we worked through a lot of things in the second year that we didn't have to in the first. In the first year, the emotions and hormones were flying, and we didn't see anything except that we were in love. (That's most of what I see now too, but still seeing it *after* working through some issues tells me something about the relationship!)

Jonathan

Jonathan

 

[California Dreamin']

I understand being a very cautious person. No doubt he is a perfectionist and wants everything to be just right and in order before you two marry. The only problem is that there is no such thing as a perfect time and no such thing as perfect order. It is like the old saying, "If you wait for all the lights to turn green, you will be waiting forever." Here is an example: he could get everything in order, with himself and everything else. He could get a great job, you could get a nice place to live and have a nice wedding, nice honeymoon, etc. The next week he could be out of a job. You see, there are no guarantees in this life. The only thing we can rest on is our future with Christ, but other than that anything can happen. Tell him to remember this....GOD IS IN CONTROL!!!! God loves marriage (He created it),and He also promises to provide for us. Remember that there is no such thing as perfection. Marriage aren't perfect,lol.

I hope this helps in some way. I am a very cautious/worried person myself. However, my wife and I met and married in 8 months. This is was very uncharacteristic for both of us, but it is the best choice we have ever made.

"God has not given a spirit of fear, but of power,love, and of sound mind"...(somewhere in one of the Timothy books)

Again, hope this helps

You hit some things I was thinking of. Everything was going well with my boyfriend and I, then he had an accident, and cannot work. You never know what's going to happen.

 

[moerunamida]

It doesn really change the fact that its none of her business, but Im not really content. I have been just hanging on waiting to marry him for years. Maybe this year. Maybe this year. I dont like the idea of him trying to be perfect first, but I do believe that he is doing what he thinks is best for me.

I'm sorry you are going through this as well. I would be quite upset at my mother if she acted like that. It really is none of her business, and I would express 'my' concern as well.

 

[dobieman0488]

I agree with you, even though I can't see why you two couldn't just get engaged, so what if he can't get a nice rin g, (if that's a concern), the engagement would probably ease a lot of things, and since you're both sure this is the real deal between you two, whhy not?

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I see this from two separate angles. On one hand, I truly respect the fact that he wants to wait to get married until he can provide for you financially. With that said, I'm confused as to why you've been committed to one another for five years and he's still not emotionally prepared for marriage. I mean, I am a huge advocate for getting to know someone before marrying them, but five years is plenty of time to know you want to marry someone. I, personally, would be questioning why after five years he hasn't proposed, but that is just me.

But, she was only 18 when they started dating! 23 could be a respectable age for getting married, but I can easily see how it could be too young for many..... even those who don't know it. I can't imagine trying to push my early 20's child into marriage. Marriage should be a well-thought out commitment, not something that has to be pushed. And if one person can't wait, then that's their choice.

 

[Bootstrap]

But, she was only 18 when they started dating! 23 could be a respectable age for getting married, but I can easily see how it could be too young for many..... even those who don't know it. I can't imagine trying to push my early 20's child into marriage. Marriage should be a well-thought out commitment, not something that has to be pushed. And if one person can't wait, then that's their choice.

^ What she said.

Jonathan

 

[Briseis]

Well, Im not really concerned about it. Things are going great and I enjoy being with him. If I have to wait, so be it. I'd be happier when he proposes if I know it was his decision.

And I am definitely just not talking to my mom about it anymore.

 

[Shannie]

I am not quite at the same point as you, but I'm also 23. My b/f and I have been together for 3.5 years and are about to finish school. My parents have also been putting pressure on me about getting married ASAP and my b/f doesn't want to do that. I have told my parents that he and I have discussed our plans, we are happy with them, and that's what matters. I assured them that I will not wait an indefinite period of time, he knows that as well, but we are only 23! We could wait another couple years and still be married before the average age that people get married lol.

I know if my parents were planning on 'having a talk' with my boyfriend about hurrying up and proposing, I would let them know this was not acceptable. Not saying you should do that, cuz I don't know your parents and boyfriend's relationship. I hope things work out for you guys.