My parents are pressuring him

[Briseis]

I have been with my bf for over 5 years, and we arent even engaged. I know my bf's reasons and I accept them even though I dont agree, but my parents wont accept it. Its gotten really bad lately. My mom made me cry twice yesterday.

She told me that if he didnt give me a approximate date before the end of the summer she would talk to him herself. I really didnt want them to confront him, so I said I would talk to him first. So, last night I talked to him and he couldnt give me a date. You see, he doesnt want to get married until he feels he is capable of taking care of me, not only financially but emotionally. He needs to straighten out all his personal bugs. No one is perfect and I would accept him as he is, but he is quite adamant about it. So, he has no idea how long this will take. I suspect another year. My parents think he is lying and simply doesnt want to marry me. I know it may sound a little odd, but I trust him 100% and whether he is telling the truth or not is not my issue. I'm getting to it.

So, last night my mom told me I should break up with him, and that made me cry. Then, after I finished my long conversation with my bf in which I told him my parents' doubts, she asked me how it went. Well, I told her what he said, that the fact that ppl doubted that he loved me hurt him more than anything, that he felt the lowest he had ever felt and almost cried. She laughed. This is when I cried for the second time. She laughed at his pain! She hurt him and she laughed! At that moment I decided that I wont tell her anything else about our relationship. If she asks I will tell her its none of her business. But, this is just gonna make things worse. Without telling her what is happening, she is gonna assume the worse and continue to harass us. Anyone have any idea what to do about my parents? Anyone else deal with anything similar?

 

[BeanMak]

I am sorry you are going through this. Other than continuing to tell your mother you are content with how things are, there isn't anything more to say. You are an adult, and this is a private, adult matter between you and your bf. You can reinforce to her that you don't need her to "fix" any problem right now.

 

[Briseis]

It doesn really change the fact that its none of her business, but Im not really content. I have been just hanging on waiting to marry him for years. Maybe this year. Maybe this year. I dont like the idea of him trying to be perfect first, but I do believe that he is doing what he thinks is best for me.

 

[Bootstrap]

I am sorry you are going through this. Other than continuing to tell your mother you are content with how things are, there isn't anything more to say. You are an adult, and this is a private, adult matter between you and your bf. You can reinforce to her that you don't need her to "fix" any problem right now.

I agree.

Besides ... if she really is 23, there's no need for a lot of pressure ;->

Take your time and be sure.

Jonathan

 

[Briseis]

We are sure. He said that its as hard for him to wait as it is for me, but he thinks the wait is worth it.

 

[JCFantasy23]

I agree with everyone else, taking your time is important. It's between the both of you and no offense, but your parents seem a bit too intrusive.

 

[Blank123]

i'd tell my mom to keep her nose out of things that don't concern her. seriously. I really would not handle it well if my mother laughed at my boyfriends pain esp when she was responsible for it and that would cause some big problems between my mother and me.

the worst i get from my parents is my parents really want my bf to move up here (Canada), i think they're afraid i'll move to the US to be with him. and my mom has even gone so far as to say if he does come up here she and my dad are going to sit down and talk to him about him moving up here, though i'm not sure how serious she was about that. It drives me crazy though when they try to give me advice or tell me how they'd like my relationship to progress when i haven't asked for it. Luckily they're cool about giving me and him space most of the time though and they've never gotten to the point of harassing me about it.

and i can understand it a bit. its a parent's job to protect their kids and sometimes when the kids are all gown up its hard to just step back and let them do their own thing and live their own lives.

i think you do need to stand up to her though. Tell her that you're both adults and both capable of handling the relationship on your own and *if* you want advice you will be the one to ask for it. She doesn't have to worry about things that are none of her business. In the end its your life and you can choose what you want to do with it, if that means staying with your bf while he sorts things out then there's nothing wrong with that. She needs to support you in that even if she disagrees. She's not in charge of your relationship and has no right to harass you about it.

 

[Briseis]

Thanks. Her problem is that she thinks he is taking advantage of me. I dont think she would intrude so much if it werent for the fact that she thinks I dont see things clearly. She said to me today, "He could drag you on for another 5 years if you let him." I was thinking to myself, "Is there something wrong with that?" I love him no matter what. My parents got married very young. 16 and 20. They didnt wait for anything. They were one of those young couples who know what they were doing, but regardless, there's nothing wrong with being slow either. Well, maybe something wrong, it hurts. But not enough wrong for me to freak out.

 

[The Julikenz]

We are sure. He said that its as hard for him to wait as it is for me, but he thinks the wait is worth it.

Side note: Looking at your sig, I thought it said 'How great thou AUNT'.

 

[Blank123]

Thanks. Her problem is that she thinks he is taking advantage of me. I dont think she would intrude so much if it werent for the fact that she thinks I dont see things clearly. She said to me today, "He could drag you on for another 5 years if you let him." I was thinking to myself, "Is there something wrong with that?" I love him no matter what. My parents got married very young. 16 and 20. They didnt wait for anything. They were one of those young couples who know what they were doing, but regardless, there's nothing wrong with being slow either. Well, maybe something wrong, it hurts. But not enough wrong for me to freak out.

nope there's nothing wrong about taking it slow and its really not that unusual either. my cousin and his wife were together 7 years before they got married. i know of another couple that have been together 10 years and haven't gotten married yet and a woman from my choir was with her bf for nearly 15 years before they got engaged (granted thats on the extreme side of things ). yes its tough when you're in love but if its not right for one or both people to get married then there's no harm in waiting until the time *is* right.

 

[California Dreamin']

No, I've only had the opposite happen, parents who didn't support getting married.
I think I would trust my boyfriend as well (if I were you), and he's obviously serious about you, being together for 5 years... you're definitely committed to each other, and you'll get married when you're ready.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

5 years at 23 is not the same as 5 years at 40. That is a good sign that your bf wants to be able to support you. It shows a maturity that some of us females don't get. Logically I get it, but I'm assuming it's my femaleness that says make a commitment and work on the financial issues. Most men want to get their ducks lined up, then make a commitment.

If it's really causing some strife, could you have a pastor talk to your mom?

 

[Briseis]

If it's really causing some strife, could you have a pastor talk to your mom?

Lol, my dad? That wouldnt work.

But yeah. You guys totally see it like I do. I would have married him a year or two ago, but I love him for the fact that you cares about me so much. But, my mom on the otherhand, thinks the fact that he is taking so long can only be because he is unsure, and that dating for 5 years is a waste of time, and a bad sign for the future. While you all seem to think it means he is super responsible. Which of course, is the way I see it.

I just started a new job last week and just chatting with new ppl, it was mentioned that I was with my bf for 5 yrs. The lady I was talking to said that she would have been gone long time ago. So there are other ppl who see it this way. But it seems to me they are just looking for marriage, not necessarily love.

 

[The Princess Bride]

I just started a new job last week and just chatting with new ppl, it was mentioned that I was with my bf for 5 yrs. The lady I was talking to said that she would have been gone long time ago. So there are other ppl who see it this way. But it seems to me they are just looking for marriage, not necessarily love.

I think your parents might possibly be seeing it from a different point of view...right now the only committment is what you two have spoken/felt between yourselves.

If your BF were to run off tomorrow, move to Hawaii, and marry some girl, there is nothing you can do about it, as you have no control over him, and possibly from a parents POV, they are seeing this "guy" as someone who is leading their daughter on and on, and may just up and leave one day, and leave you behind, devastated and feeling like you wasted the last 5 years of your life.

Now I hope that nothing like that ever happens, but that may be one reason they are wanting him to define what his intentions towards you are.

 

[Briseis]

Yep. Im pretty sure thats the problem. Although that could still happen when you are engaged or married. Sadly.

 

[katautumn]

I see this from two separate angles. On one hand, I truly respect the fact that he wants to wait to get married until he can provide for you financially. With that said, I'm confused as to why you've been committed to one another for five years and he's still not emotionally prepared for marriage. I mean, I am a huge advocate for getting to know someone before marrying them, but five years is plenty of time to know you want to marry someone. I, personally, would be questioning why after five years he hasn't proposed, but that is just me.

I agree with Princess Bride's assessment of your parents' concern. I don't think your mom is trying to be mean. She's probably thinking the same thing I am - how can this guy be with you for five years and not realize it's a sure thing? Being a parent, I know how it feels somewhat. Although my son is still very little, I would be a bit protective of him if he had been with a woman that amount of time and she kept insisting she wasn't emotionally ready. When you know something is right, you know it's right. There is no need for emotional readiness once you've been with someone long enough to know them a sufficient amount.

 

[The Princess Bride]

Briseis, do you feel that he is leading you on and dragging things out? And if so, have you ever told him that?

 

[invisiblebabe]

Honestly, I personally could not wait that long.

However, seeing as you were together since your teens, I don't think dating for 5 years is as unreasonable as it would be if you were already 26 or 27. Financial problems -are- stressful, and it would do you good to avoid them if possible. Once he has a steady job and enough savings, though, he really should decide to make that commitment to you.

 

[California Dreamin']

Honestly, I personally could not wait that long.

However, seeing as you were together since your teens, I don't think dating for 5 years is as unreasonable as it would be if you were already 26 or 27. Financial problems -are- stressful, and it would do you good to avoid them if possible. Once he has a steady job and enough savings, though, he really should decide to make that commitment to you.

I agree.

 

[Briseis]

It has nothing to do with not being sure. He is sure, just not yet.