Hi Friends,
I'm new here, but I wanted to share my testimony. I hope it will prove helpful to some, and maybe will give you a new perspective. I apologize in advance for its length, but I want to give enough details for it to perhaps be relate-able to others.
I have had OCD for many years now, since I was a child. I was born and raised in a Pentecostal church, that I still attend when I am at home (currently away at University).
One of my early memories of OCD was incredible guilt feelings (some may call it, overactive conscience) and a corresponding compulsion to prayer. For perhaps ~1 year, this was nearly debilitating for me, but I could not explain it to anyone (I was ~7 years old, and did not understand my condition).
As I got older, this obsession/compulsion faded (praise the Lord). I became a fairly normal adolescent,somewhat socially awkward, but a good student and remained serious about my faith. Still, I retainedaspects of OCD (such as compulsive checking in certain things) throughout those years.
However, it was only in graduate school that my OCD literally exploded again. This time in the form of scrupulosity. To be honest, I believe (but cannot prove of course) this was brought on in part by myown behavior. For a few years before this, I had not been living a very moral or Christian life (although,
maintaining belief in Christ). I think the inner conflict between my beliefs and actions is at least in part responsible for my OCD's "explosion", but like I said, I cannot prove this.
In any case, almost overnight, I began having terribly blasphemous thoughts. I will not repeat them here, because I see no benefit to that. However, I think it is safe to say I have had many of the same thoughts mentioned on thisdiscussion board, which were far beyond disturbing. After 1-2 weeks, these thoughts became so constant and so bad that I could barely function or work. During my waking hours, they would bombard me, and at night, I could hardly sleep. I tried to pray but felt unable to. I became desperate.
After 2 weeks, I told my parents (in somewhat vague terms) what I was experiencing. My dad has mild OCD and I think he could partially understand what I was experiencing. In any case, my mom decided to come visit me at school for a week. During that week, I took substantial comfort in her presence, but the thoughts continued and in some ways worsened. I tried
to attend a church service but could barely sit through it....the psychological torment was so great.
My situation grew more critical after my mom left. I managed for a few days, but soon I was back at the point of crisis. At this point I was sleeping maybe 2 hours a night. I wondered if I was demon possessed, and I wanted to die.
I'm quite sure I prayed to die, but don't remember my desperate words exactly. Finally, I could not take anymore. I decided I had to leave school. In my mind, there were only two choices for me: go home to my parents or suicide. I packed quickly, went to the airport, and caught the next flight home.
At home, I was placed into psychological and psychiatric care. Some people will perhaps disagree with the use of drugs, but in my experience, I believe this was VERY helpful. I was given 20 mg of Lexapro daily, and began therapy 2x a week with a Christian counselor. I also confided my experiences with my pastor as much as I felt comfortable. At first, I spent my days curled up in bed or on the couch, despondent or crying, but gradually my faculties began to return. I could go outside, could take walks, began to enjoy nature.
Still, for the first month, I was very tempted by the thought of suicide. I remember telling my parents, if I don't get better, I will kill myself. The torment at times was unbearable and I felt certain, as many here perhaps do, that I had committed the unpardonable sin.
However, I do not believe that God had forgotten me or rejected me. In fact, I began to see what I can only say seemed to be signsthat He remembered me. For example, in my heart, I had been having the thought that I should be baptized. Soon thereafter, my pastor gave notice that he was going to offer baptism to those interested. I had been baptised as a child, but after going what I had been through, I felt deep inside that I should be re-baptized. But I was still on the fence about this, until a few days before the baptism, a friend (who lives far away) sent me a letter talking about baptism. I took that as a sign and was re-baptized. This did give me some comfort.
From that time, slowly but surely, I have gotten better. I am not 100%, I am not sure if I ever will be. But I am learning to trust Christ in this too.
I am back at school (after 6 months medical absence) and being productive. I am attending church, and making new Christian friends.
I still struggle sometimes with the blasphemous thoughts, but it is not nearly as bad as before. I can and do often pray for Jesus to help me, and say, "Jesus, you know my heart. My mind is saying these terrible things, but still you know my heart believes in and desires you."
Praying out-loud is also sometimes very helpful to me. Hearing the words makes it more real somehow. I am also still on Lexapro....for how long, I don't know. But Jesus, if you wish to heal me beyond a need for this, I know you are able
I want to end with encouragement for you, friends. Have you committed the unpardonable sin? Have I? I cannot say with 100% certainty,
but I certainly do not believe it is the case.
Why do I think this?
1) Jesus' own words. He promises to not reject anyone who comes to Him. If you are praying and seeking Him, He will not reject You!
2) What do you think about Jesus? I believe the unpardonable sin (whatever it is exactly) is only possible for those who hate Christ. At least,from the context in the Bible, it seems those are the people in danger of committing it. Do you truly hate Christ? My dear friend, I do not believe you do! No matter what thoughts you have had, Jesus is willing and able to set you free from them. He loves you and died for you, so if your heart is not too hard to trust in that, I do not think it possible you are anything but saved and forgiven.
3) I have had OCD most of my life. It is at least in part, a genetically inherited condition. I believe Christ came to save me from sin
and its consequences (including OCD), not to condemn me.
4) It is clear from the Bible that our Holy Creator and Savior Yahweh wants us to be free and united with Him. We do have an accuser, Satan, who wants to keep us imprisoned by sin, illness, and guilt. But Christ overcomes our enemy and these things easily, if we trust in Him.
Finally, I will say dear friends, it is my prayer that you and I will not be bound by fear or anxiety, but instead find rest in the peace and faithfulness of our Savior Jesus Christ. Our salvation is dependent on the work he has already accomplished, not on our own power. Even in our moments of doubt, when we are sinking like Peter, His mighty hand will not let us drown. He loves us too much for that, praise His holy name!
If anyone would like to talk or have someone to pray for them, please feel free to contact me.
mark
I'm new here, but I wanted to share my testimony. I hope it will prove helpful to some, and maybe will give you a new perspective. I apologize in advance for its length, but I want to give enough details for it to perhaps be relate-able to others.
I have had OCD for many years now, since I was a child. I was born and raised in a Pentecostal church, that I still attend when I am at home (currently away at University).
One of my early memories of OCD was incredible guilt feelings (some may call it, overactive conscience) and a corresponding compulsion to prayer. For perhaps ~1 year, this was nearly debilitating for me, but I could not explain it to anyone (I was ~7 years old, and did not understand my condition).
As I got older, this obsession/compulsion faded (praise the Lord). I became a fairly normal adolescent,somewhat socially awkward, but a good student and remained serious about my faith. Still, I retainedaspects of OCD (such as compulsive checking in certain things) throughout those years.
However, it was only in graduate school that my OCD literally exploded again. This time in the form of scrupulosity. To be honest, I believe (but cannot prove of course) this was brought on in part by myown behavior. For a few years before this, I had not been living a very moral or Christian life (although,
maintaining belief in Christ). I think the inner conflict between my beliefs and actions is at least in part responsible for my OCD's "explosion", but like I said, I cannot prove this.
In any case, almost overnight, I began having terribly blasphemous thoughts. I will not repeat them here, because I see no benefit to that. However, I think it is safe to say I have had many of the same thoughts mentioned on thisdiscussion board, which were far beyond disturbing. After 1-2 weeks, these thoughts became so constant and so bad that I could barely function or work. During my waking hours, they would bombard me, and at night, I could hardly sleep. I tried to pray but felt unable to. I became desperate.
After 2 weeks, I told my parents (in somewhat vague terms) what I was experiencing. My dad has mild OCD and I think he could partially understand what I was experiencing. In any case, my mom decided to come visit me at school for a week. During that week, I took substantial comfort in her presence, but the thoughts continued and in some ways worsened. I tried
to attend a church service but could barely sit through it....the psychological torment was so great.
My situation grew more critical after my mom left. I managed for a few days, but soon I was back at the point of crisis. At this point I was sleeping maybe 2 hours a night. I wondered if I was demon possessed, and I wanted to die.
I'm quite sure I prayed to die, but don't remember my desperate words exactly. Finally, I could not take anymore. I decided I had to leave school. In my mind, there were only two choices for me: go home to my parents or suicide. I packed quickly, went to the airport, and caught the next flight home.
At home, I was placed into psychological and psychiatric care. Some people will perhaps disagree with the use of drugs, but in my experience, I believe this was VERY helpful. I was given 20 mg of Lexapro daily, and began therapy 2x a week with a Christian counselor. I also confided my experiences with my pastor as much as I felt comfortable. At first, I spent my days curled up in bed or on the couch, despondent or crying, but gradually my faculties began to return. I could go outside, could take walks, began to enjoy nature.
Still, for the first month, I was very tempted by the thought of suicide. I remember telling my parents, if I don't get better, I will kill myself. The torment at times was unbearable and I felt certain, as many here perhaps do, that I had committed the unpardonable sin.
However, I do not believe that God had forgotten me or rejected me. In fact, I began to see what I can only say seemed to be signsthat He remembered me. For example, in my heart, I had been having the thought that I should be baptized. Soon thereafter, my pastor gave notice that he was going to offer baptism to those interested. I had been baptised as a child, but after going what I had been through, I felt deep inside that I should be re-baptized. But I was still on the fence about this, until a few days before the baptism, a friend (who lives far away) sent me a letter talking about baptism. I took that as a sign and was re-baptized. This did give me some comfort.
From that time, slowly but surely, I have gotten better. I am not 100%, I am not sure if I ever will be. But I am learning to trust Christ in this too.
I am back at school (after 6 months medical absence) and being productive. I am attending church, and making new Christian friends.
I still struggle sometimes with the blasphemous thoughts, but it is not nearly as bad as before. I can and do often pray for Jesus to help me, and say, "Jesus, you know my heart. My mind is saying these terrible things, but still you know my heart believes in and desires you."
Praying out-loud is also sometimes very helpful to me. Hearing the words makes it more real somehow. I am also still on Lexapro....for how long, I don't know. But Jesus, if you wish to heal me beyond a need for this, I know you are able
I want to end with encouragement for you, friends. Have you committed the unpardonable sin? Have I? I cannot say with 100% certainty,
but I certainly do not believe it is the case.
Why do I think this?
1) Jesus' own words. He promises to not reject anyone who comes to Him. If you are praying and seeking Him, He will not reject You!
2) What do you think about Jesus? I believe the unpardonable sin (whatever it is exactly) is only possible for those who hate Christ. At least,from the context in the Bible, it seems those are the people in danger of committing it. Do you truly hate Christ? My dear friend, I do not believe you do! No matter what thoughts you have had, Jesus is willing and able to set you free from them. He loves you and died for you, so if your heart is not too hard to trust in that, I do not think it possible you are anything but saved and forgiven.
3) I have had OCD most of my life. It is at least in part, a genetically inherited condition. I believe Christ came to save me from sin
and its consequences (including OCD), not to condemn me.
4) It is clear from the Bible that our Holy Creator and Savior Yahweh wants us to be free and united with Him. We do have an accuser, Satan, who wants to keep us imprisoned by sin, illness, and guilt. But Christ overcomes our enemy and these things easily, if we trust in Him.
Finally, I will say dear friends, it is my prayer that you and I will not be bound by fear or anxiety, but instead find rest in the peace and faithfulness of our Savior Jesus Christ. Our salvation is dependent on the work he has already accomplished, not on our own power. Even in our moments of doubt, when we are sinking like Peter, His mighty hand will not let us drown. He loves us too much for that, praise His holy name!
If anyone would like to talk or have someone to pray for them, please feel free to contact me.
mark
