Not too sure where to start except that I feel like my life is crumbling. And you'd think I'd be thrilled about all the new things in my life, but I'm not. Let me explain.
I've been successfully weaned off Zyprexa and have been completely 100% off it for three days and am on Zeldox now. Its fine for the most part but I have yet to speak with a single person who's on Zeldox so just to start with, I'm feeling isolated.
Zeldox is the absolute opposite of Zyprexa. I know they do the same job but they make me feel completely different. So different that I'm having a hard time coping. On Zyprexa I was tired all the time, ravenously hungry and slept 12 to 15 hours a day (not 'cause I'm depressed, just 'cause that's what the drug did to me). Now I'm on Zeldox and its like I've woken up from a deep sleep, crossed through thick fog, thawed out from the ice-age I lived in and for the first time in six years, my eyes are fully open and things are in focus. That's truly how it feels. Its all fine and dandy to be alert all of a sudden but I've absolutely lost all interest in food and sleeping. Not in a manic way...
So much of the last six years has been spent dreaming up my next culinary concoction and researching different cooking techniques for whatever complicated recipe I was going to attempt next. Cooking was pretty much the only thing I could focus on, honestly. It was the only thing I had energy for. Now though, food is disgusting. I don't want any part in touching food, preparing food, eating food, cleaning up after food. Food is gross. Revolting. I eat because Zeldox has to be eaten with meals in order to metabolize but in the last month I've eaten a proper meal three times - and only cause there were people watching. Mostly I stand at the kitchen counter and eat something straight out of the package (like crackers or naan and tzatziki)... about a quarter of what I normally would eat and certainly far less than the 45g of carbs per meal that my dietitian would have me eating. While this has been great for weight-loss (I gained nearly 100lbs on Zyprexa between being starved all the time and the drug killing my metabolism - I've lost 11lbs in three weeks so far). I eat a thing of Boost for breakfast, a banana for lunch and a piece of naan for supper. Not exactly a well-rounded diet, but I can't bring myself to eat more. I feel so sick after I eat and want to barf (though I haven't actually vomited and I pray I don't). So because food is so gross that I don't want to cook or eat, I'm not spending forever washing pots and pans and dishes either.
And to top it off, I'm not sleeping. Its not because I'm not tired... I'm exhausted! I just can't sleep. I lay there for hours and think of all the fantastic things I could be doing if I didn't have to lay there and try to sleep. So frustrating as I know that if I got up and made these thoughts a reality, I'd be headed straight for mania. I just can't "turn off". My pdoc gave me a sleeping pill (Zopiclone) but he warned me that it can be addictive. I'm glad he warned me but now I don't want to take it at all. I've taken it three times and its so nice to just take it and fall straight to sleep and I wake up feeling rested after 9 hours. I'm paranoid about becoming dependent and in a way I know I already am. Not in an addicted sort of way, just that I haven't really slept a night through without it in almost a month. He only gave me the pill 10 days ago and I feel like a failure that I've had to take it three times (even though he said I could take it every other night...). And because I'm not sleeping 12 to 15 hours a night and because I'm wide awake the whole time (a 'good' night's sleep without zopiclone is about four hours of tossing and turning) then I have all this spare time on my hands. I work three nights a week (16hr shifts) which is full-time hours so that's good but the other four days/nights is a long haul. I have tons of crafting hobbies but certainly not enough to fill four whole days. *sigh*
I hate to complain about all this 'cause I know I should feel blessed that we live in a day of good meds and that I should be grateful I don't have to take the older ones that were truly terrible but this is a lot to adjust to and while my moods are under control I just wonder if this drug change is really worth it. I miss Zyprexa because I knew what to expect on it and I knew how to function in a fog. I don't know how to function now that my world is in focus and I have energy to meet the day. This is a nightmare, honestly, and its upsetting mostly because I didn't anticipate it being this hard. I don't know how I thought I'd feel but I guess I figured I'd go on feeling stoned and sedated and tired and that was just going to be my lot in life.
I need to know someone's listening. Am feeling a bit lost in my new life...
-Dee
I've been successfully weaned off Zyprexa and have been completely 100% off it for three days and am on Zeldox now. Its fine for the most part but I have yet to speak with a single person who's on Zeldox so just to start with, I'm feeling isolated.
Zeldox is the absolute opposite of Zyprexa. I know they do the same job but they make me feel completely different. So different that I'm having a hard time coping. On Zyprexa I was tired all the time, ravenously hungry and slept 12 to 15 hours a day (not 'cause I'm depressed, just 'cause that's what the drug did to me). Now I'm on Zeldox and its like I've woken up from a deep sleep, crossed through thick fog, thawed out from the ice-age I lived in and for the first time in six years, my eyes are fully open and things are in focus. That's truly how it feels. Its all fine and dandy to be alert all of a sudden but I've absolutely lost all interest in food and sleeping. Not in a manic way...
So much of the last six years has been spent dreaming up my next culinary concoction and researching different cooking techniques for whatever complicated recipe I was going to attempt next. Cooking was pretty much the only thing I could focus on, honestly. It was the only thing I had energy for. Now though, food is disgusting. I don't want any part in touching food, preparing food, eating food, cleaning up after food. Food is gross. Revolting. I eat because Zeldox has to be eaten with meals in order to metabolize but in the last month I've eaten a proper meal three times - and only cause there were people watching. Mostly I stand at the kitchen counter and eat something straight out of the package (like crackers or naan and tzatziki)... about a quarter of what I normally would eat and certainly far less than the 45g of carbs per meal that my dietitian would have me eating. While this has been great for weight-loss (I gained nearly 100lbs on Zyprexa between being starved all the time and the drug killing my metabolism - I've lost 11lbs in three weeks so far). I eat a thing of Boost for breakfast, a banana for lunch and a piece of naan for supper. Not exactly a well-rounded diet, but I can't bring myself to eat more. I feel so sick after I eat and want to barf (though I haven't actually vomited and I pray I don't). So because food is so gross that I don't want to cook or eat, I'm not spending forever washing pots and pans and dishes either.
And to top it off, I'm not sleeping. Its not because I'm not tired... I'm exhausted! I just can't sleep. I lay there for hours and think of all the fantastic things I could be doing if I didn't have to lay there and try to sleep. So frustrating as I know that if I got up and made these thoughts a reality, I'd be headed straight for mania. I just can't "turn off". My pdoc gave me a sleeping pill (Zopiclone) but he warned me that it can be addictive. I'm glad he warned me but now I don't want to take it at all. I've taken it three times and its so nice to just take it and fall straight to sleep and I wake up feeling rested after 9 hours. I'm paranoid about becoming dependent and in a way I know I already am. Not in an addicted sort of way, just that I haven't really slept a night through without it in almost a month. He only gave me the pill 10 days ago and I feel like a failure that I've had to take it three times (even though he said I could take it every other night...). And because I'm not sleeping 12 to 15 hours a night and because I'm wide awake the whole time (a 'good' night's sleep without zopiclone is about four hours of tossing and turning) then I have all this spare time on my hands. I work three nights a week (16hr shifts) which is full-time hours so that's good but the other four days/nights is a long haul. I have tons of crafting hobbies but certainly not enough to fill four whole days. *sigh*
I hate to complain about all this 'cause I know I should feel blessed that we live in a day of good meds and that I should be grateful I don't have to take the older ones that were truly terrible but this is a lot to adjust to and while my moods are under control I just wonder if this drug change is really worth it. I miss Zyprexa because I knew what to expect on it and I knew how to function in a fog. I don't know how to function now that my world is in focus and I have energy to meet the day. This is a nightmare, honestly, and its upsetting mostly because I didn't anticipate it being this hard. I don't know how I thought I'd feel but I guess I figured I'd go on feeling stoned and sedated and tired and that was just going to be my lot in life.
I need to know someone's listening. Am feeling a bit lost in my new life...
-Dee
