My new/first chapter book!

TheDerek · Jan 26, 2003

Hello, as most of you already know, I am big into writing.  I write a bunch of short stories, but know chapter books yet.  And I'm also into superhereos.  So I started to right a chapterbook today.  I've only written one chapter so far, but I will write more later.  I curently do notr have a name for it yet...  Tell me what ya think...

 
Ben Hillman looked around himself.  He was in a tank of a choky white substance.  He had on no oxygen mask, but yet he could breath.  He had on no goggles, but he could see perfectly.  He could actually see better than before.  The liquid surrounding him started to get thicker.  It started to seep into his body, causing a lot of pain.  It was spreading all over his body while at the same time joining his body.  It was part of him.  He looked at his hands and they were choky white.  The pain was so intense he screamed.
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Ben Hillman awoke from his sleep in a cold sweat.  He looked around him at his small little room.  It had only the bed he was on and a sink and toilet in it.  The room had no windows.  It was his cell.  He had lived in it as long as he could remember.  He was taken from his family as a child.  The doctors at this compound had done strange experiments on him.  The last one they had done on him had been very painful.  He looked down at his choky white hands and shivered.  He didnt know what they had done to him, but he didnt want to know either.  He rolled back onto his side and pulled the covers close, trying to stay warm.  He would worry about his body in the morning, but right now he needed sleep.
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***
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Ben was sitting on his bed having breakfast that had been delivered when the doctor walked in.  The doctor told Ben to follow him then left the room.  Ben got up and walked after the doctor.  The doctor walked into a small office and had a seat behind a desk.  He motioned for Ben to sit in the chair on the other side of the desk.  Ben, as you know, some experiments were done on you. The Doctor Began. You were the first to survive the tests.  If what I speculated was true, soon you shall become stronger.  You will also become faster and smarted.  You are of a new species now.  We coated your body with Heptoclorean.  Heptoclorean is a new substance I invented.  It adds strength, speed, and intelligence to the body.  You should be proud of yourself, you are now a super being.  
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Through all of this Ben had sat still quietly listening.  At the doctors last remark he felt proud.  So what if it had caused him pain, he was know powerful.  Thats when the thought hit him.  If he was powerful, that meant they had a purpose for him.  He would never live a normal life again.  He would always be here kept in secret, or studied all of his life.  He didnt want that.  He would get out of here.  If what the doctor said was true, he should soon have enough strength to walk out of here without anything stopping him.  
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Ben. The doctor said, bring him back to earth.  
Yes, doctor?
You shall go to your room and wait for the Heptoclorean to kick in, then you shall be brought to the training room.
Ok doctor, and one more thing, what exactly did you do to me?
We coated your skin with an exoskeleton solution, it will change all of your bones.  Now go rest.
Ben walked out of the room and was met by a guard.  The guard escorted him to his room.
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CJF · Jan 26, 2003

Sounds good so far. It was kind of hard to read though, with all of the things mixed up.

TheDerek · Jan 27, 2003

I'm gonna try to post this again...

Ben Hillman looked around himself. He was in a tank of a choky white substance. He had on no oxygen mask, but yet he could breath. He had on no goggles, but he could see perfectly. He could actually see better than before. The liquid surrounding him started to get thicker. It started to seep into his body, causing a lot of pain. It was spreading all over his body while at the same time joining his body. It was part of him. He looked at his hands and they were choky white. The pain was so intense he screamed.

Ben Hillman awoke from his sleep in a cold sweat. He looked around him at his small little room. It had only the bed he was on and a sink and toilet in it. The room had no windows. It was his cell. He had lived in it as long as he could remember. He was taken from his family as a child. The doctors at this compound had done strange experiments on him. The last one they had done on him had been very painful. He looked down at his choky white hands and shivered. He didn't know what they had done to him, but he didn't want to know either. He rolled back onto his side and pulled the covers close, trying to stay warm. He would worry about his body in the morning, but right now he needed sleep.

***

Ben was sitting on his bed having breakfast that had been delivered when the doctor walked in. The doctor told Ben to follow him then left the room. Ben got up and walked after the doctor. The doctor walked into a small office and had a seat behind a desk. He motioned for Ben to sit in the chair on the other side of the desk. "Ben, as you know, some experiments were done on you." The Doctor Began. "You were the first to survive the tests. If what I speculated was true, soon you shall become stronger. You will also become faster and smarted. You are of a new species now. We coated your body with Heptoclorean. Heptoclorean is a new substance I invented. It adds strength, speed, and intelligence to the body. You should be proud of yourself, you are now a super being."

Through all of this Ben had sat still quietly listening. At the doctors last remark he felt proud. So what if it had caused him pain, he was know powerful. That's when the thought hit him. If he was powerful, that meant they had a purpose for him. He would never live a normal life again. He would always be here kept in secret, or studied all of his life. He didn't want that. He would get out of here. If what the doctor said was true, he should soon have enough strength to walk out of here without anything stopping him.

"Ben." The doctor said, bring him back to earth.
"Yes, doctor?"
"You shall go to your room and wait for the Heptoclorean to kick in, then you shall be brought to the training room."
"Ok doctor, and one more thing, what exactly did you do to me?"
"We coated your skin with an exoskeleton solution, it will change all of your bones. Now go rest."
Ben walked out of the room and was met by a guard. The guard escorted him to his room.

TheDerek · Jan 27, 2003

CHAPTER 2!!!!!!!!!!!

The next shapter is kinda short but oh well...
----------

Mark Rein was a drifter. He had never really had a true home. At the age of fourteen he had ran away from his foster parents. They hadn't loved him. They had beaten him daily. His foster dad had been a drunken bum. His foster mom was addicted to crack. The family was going nowhere. He had left that life fifteen years ago when he killed his dad and injured his dad

***

"You're a no good son of a gun and you're bringing your life no where!" His dad had yelled, his words slurred.
"I will do what I want to with my life! You aren't my dad!" Mark had shouted.
"I'm the only person you'll ever have as a dad since your parents didn't want you!" His father had taken off his belt while he was speaking. "Now bend down and left me teach you not to talk back to me anymore!" His father started to walk towards him.
"When you're done with him, make him scrub out all of the toilets!" His mother said, coming in from her bedroom, clearly high.
"NO! I will not take any more of this!" Marks hand reached down to his foot and pulled out a hunting knife. Mark ran at his father, yelling curses in rage. His father was to drunken to defend himself so Mark had easily killed him.
"What have you done?" His mother had demanded.
"Your turn!" Mark had shouted. He ran at his mother and stabbed her, but that was all. The rage had worn off. He couldn't kill her. Mark went to his room, packed a duffel bag and took his dads car keys and drove away in his dads new 1988 Ford pickup truck.

***

Mark sat in the back of his old rusted out pickup truck. It had been through many things, it had never failed him. Mark pulled his sleeping bag close to him. He was cold and shivering. He knew that tomorrow he would need to stop by a store and buy some shaving cream and a razor. He needed a shave. He would also rent a hotel room to get a good night sleep and a shower. That meant he should also buy some new clothing, or at least wash what he had on. Mark reached into his pants pocket and pulled out his wallet. He only had $100 left. That meant he needed a job too. He had a busy day tomorrow. Mark rolled over and tried to fall asleep.

***

Mark awoke in the middle of the night with a start. The sky had opened up and sent tears of sorrow to the ground. Mark rolled out of the back of the truck and took inventory. His sleeping bag and pillow were soaked. He decided to leave them in the back of the truck. Mark slid into the driver seat making a sloshing sound. He was soaked. He figured he would get the hotel room now. He started up the truck and took off. That's when the sky really opened up.

***

Lighting wrapped around a nearby power line and sparks flew. The power line started to fall. As it fell another lighting bolt hit it again. The power line fell right onto the bed of the pickup truck and it lit up. The electricity flew through his wet clothing and Mark lit up like a light bulb. Then he lost continuous.

life_boy · Feb 4, 2003

Would you like some advice on improving your writing (both in story development and in actual form)? I'm 19 (almost 20) and don't claim to know everything but I too am a writer. I've learned many, many tips over the years and would gladly share some with you if you liked.

I haven't read your whole story, just the first two paragraphs of the first chapter. Bear in mind that I would be completely honest about things. It's a tough part of the process but is very much worth it for the end result (like there is an end result that we can ever attain).

Anyway, let me know.

TheDerek · Feb 5, 2003

Sure, I would love someones opinion. right now I have only written 2 chapters, I've een awfully busy. i will rigt more later...

Katz68 · Feb 5, 2003

It sounds like a good story can come out of this. I think that it is a little disjointed. But I think that you have a good imagination and can do great things. Have you wrote a lot before this?

Blessed-one · Feb 5, 2003

i really like how you included the history of the characters.

life_boy · Feb 6, 2003

Originally posted by JesusFreak4554

Ben Hillman looked around himself. He was in a tank of a choky white substance. He had on no oxygen mask, but yet he could breath. He had on no goggles, but he could see perfectly. He could actually see better than before. The liquid surrounding him started to get thicker. It started to seep into his body, causing a lot of pain. It was spreading all over his body while at the same time joining his body. It was part of him. He looked at his hands and they were choky white. The pain was so intense he screamed.

NOTE: My advice will be in regular print and my illustrations and examples will be in bold.

First of all, use more descriptions of everything. Part of the beauty of writing is that it is not so much about getting from point A to point B but about how it looks as you get there. This is where your style will develop, in how you describe your character and the world around him.

I'll use an example of a man sitting in a room.

The clock ticked on as Will sat quietly, patiently counting the seconds to his release. The light that trickled in through the pen-size hole in the wall was just a glimpse of what he would find outside these doors. He scratched his head again in a kind of day-dream-fed stupor as his mind wandered into the netherworld and back, to the place he so lovingly called "home."

This takes the reader and puts him/her right into the action (or lack thereof). The same ideas could be adequately expressed in three short sentences (noted here the short sentances are bold, the sentances using more description are in italics).

The clock ticked on as Will sat quietly, patiently counting the seconds to his release. Will sat waiting for his release. The light that trickled in through the pen-size hole in the wall was just a glimpse of what he would find outside these doors. There was a hole in the wall that let light into the room. He scratched his head again in a kind of day-dream-fed stupor as his mind wandered into the netherworld and back, to the place he so lovingly called "home." He scratched his head and thought of "home."

On a note referring to descriptions, avoid using a particular word more than once over the course of a paragraph (or two paragraphs even). This will give your story depth and vocabulary. Also avoid starting all your sentences the same way (sometimes it is unavoidable, but just be wary of it). But don't think that you shouldn't ever have short sentences in a work. In a story sometimes, you may find there is the need for short, staccato sentances bunched up together. This will get across a certain meaning.

So, the message of this posting is make your sentences interesting.

You have some great ideas here in your story. All the more reason to add interesting sentences to that. This will be fun to watch you grow as a writer. Keep up the good work.

life_boy

TheDerek · Feb 6, 2003

Originally posted by life_boy
NOTE: My advice will be in regular print and my illustrations and examples will be in bold.

First of all, use more descriptions of everything. Part of the beauty of writing is that it is not so much about getting from point A to point B but about how it looks as you get there. This is where your style will develop, in how you describe your character and the world around him.

I'll use an example of a man sitting in a room.

The clock ticked on as Will sat quietly, patiently counting the seconds to his release. The light that trickled in through the pen-size hole in the wall was just a glimpse of what he would find outside these doors. He scratched his head again in a kind of day-dream-fed stupor as his mind wandered into the netherworld and back, to the place he so lovingly called "home."

This takes the reader and puts him/her right into the action (or lack thereof). The same ideas could be adequately expressed in three short sentences (noted here the short sentances are bold, the sentances using more description are in italics).

The clock ticked on as Will sat quietly, patiently counting the seconds to his release. Will sat waiting for his release. The light that trickled in through the pen-size hole in the wall was just a glimpse of what he would find outside these doors. There was a hole in the wall that let light into the room. He scratched his head again in a kind of day-dream-fed stupor as his mind wandered into the netherworld and back, to the place he so lovingly called "home." He scratched his head and thought of "home."

On a note referring to descriptions, avoid using a particular word more than once over the course of a paragraph (or two paragraphs even). This will give your story depth and vocabulary. Also avoid starting all your sentences the same way (sometimes it is unavoidable, but just be wary of it). But don't think that you shouldn't ever have short sentences in a work. In a story sometimes, you may find there is the need for short, staccato sentances bunched up together. This will get across a certain meaning.

So, the message of this posting is make your sentences interesting.

You have some great ideas here in your story. All the more reason to add interesting sentences to that. This will be fun to watch you grow as a writer. Keep up the good work.

life_boy

Thanks for the advice!

TheDerek · Feb 6, 2003

Originally posted by Katz68
It sounds like a good story can come out of this. I think that it is a little disjointed. But I think that you have a good imagination and can do great things. Have you wrote a lot before this?

I usually write short story's and poetry.

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My new/first chapter book!

TheDerek

Dum Diddy Dum Dum, Oh Boy!

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CJF

...love alters not...

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TheDerek

Dum Diddy Dum Dum, Oh Boy!

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TheDerek

Dum Diddy Dum Dum, Oh Boy!

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life_boy

But It Did Happen

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TheDerek

Dum Diddy Dum Dum, Oh Boy!

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Katz68

God's willing servant

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Blessed-one

a long journey ahead

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life_boy

But It Did Happen

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TheDerek

Dum Diddy Dum Dum, Oh Boy!

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TheDerek

Dum Diddy Dum Dum, Oh Boy!

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