My mother keeps putting me down.

[Sundew]

I have a really complicated relationship with my mother. Sometimes we get along great, and a lot of the time she's loving and affectionate and whatnot.

But some of the time she treats me so badly (emotionally/verbally) that I just can't take it. Like right now, when I'm just sitting here crying my eyes out, not knowing what else I can do.

First of all, I *know* that 90% of the criticisms she showers me with aren't true. Like just now, she starts calling me a screw-up because I forgot to pick up a form to fill out for school... There are many, many more examples.... but when it comes down to it, even when I know what she says isn't true, it still hurts a lot.

The thing that gets her on my case the most is tennis. I play competitively (since I was very young), not because I want to but because she makes me. Sure, I enjoyed it at first, but with all the pressure she puts on my I just stopped liking it. For a long time I would pretend I liked it, because I knew she would be so mad and disappointed if I didn't... but yeah. Whenever I do badly she gets mad at me, and goes off on me about everything - school, tennis, life, and how I'm a waste of time and money and a failure at life, pretty much. Not always in those exact words, but the effect is the same.

And she always says "Why don't you just quit [tennis]?", which I would gladly do... but then she adds that if I do quit, I'll owe her $30 thousand as soon as I get out of college, she'll make me go to a crappy college even though academically I can get into really good ones, and she will intentionally make me miserable and cut me off socially from all my friends. So she always says she's giving me a 'choice', but what kind of choice is that?

The absolute rock bottom came a couple months ago. It was during high school season, when I lost to someone I should have beaten easily. (The only reason, I firmly believe, that I was struggling so much during season was because of my confidence). On the way home she was shouting at me (and cussing) about how I'm a waste of time and money and effort, how I was a failure, how she invested so much in me and never got anything back. So I asked her if that's all I was to her, an "investment", not a "daughter" and she said exactly. Oh, and she also said how she wished I was someone else.

That obviously hurt a lot, but it got worse. I started to yell too, and say how I was a human being and not just some investment to make, and she got mad and made me get out of the car to walk home. Well, less than a block later she pulls the car over and demands that I get in, because "Dad will get mad at me if anything happens to you". So I asked her if that was the only thing that would bother her if I got hit by a car or got kidnapped or something, and she said "exactly".

Like I said, that's the worst it's ever gotten, but I still have to deal with things like that to a lesser extent a lot. If she gets mad at me over one thing, she'll start putting me down over every aspect of my life. E.g., if I do badly in tennis, she'll tell me how I have no ambition, how I'll never get anywhere in life, how I'm a failure, etc.

I just don't get it. Not to sound conceited, but I'd be pretty happy to have me as a daughter. I'm pretty good at tennis, I'm one of the top in my school, never get into trouble, etc. I mean, if I do well on a test or something she'll tell me she's proud of me, but if I do badly at tennis suddenly it's like I'm the biggest loser on the face of the earth.

Then today... I had a tournament, lost to someone I should have beaten very very easily. I actually killed her in the first set, but I ran out of gas and played badly the next two sets. The *first* thing my mom says when I get off the court is, "You lost because you're fat, you couldn't even run or breathe out there. All you do is eat and eat and never work out, now you're getting fat."

Now, I *know* I'm not fat. On the contrary, I'm actually very skinny and have an athletic build... Sure, I eat quite a bit, but I have a great metabolism and play lots of tennis, so that's not even an issue. But for some reason that *still* hurt a lot.

Physically, my mom doesn't abuse me... Although once when I was little she actually beat me with a stack of rulers until my skin was red and splotchy for days... but that was a long time ago. (It was also about tennis, and I was probably only in third or fourth grade at the time).

I just don't know. It really sucks sometimes, being me. I don't know what all I can do.... I'm not really expecting any advice, I just really wanted to let it out.

Maybe some prayers to keep me strong until I go to college in 2010 would help.

Sigh.

 

[heidi140]

I'm really sorry you're going through all this with your mother. I know how bad that stuff can hurt. So much of it sounds too familiar. Obviously different details, but the same general stuff and feelings, for me with both parents.

I basically looked at college as an escape from my parents. I even had it down to when I could reasonably stay at school even during the summer. And then after college I went to grad school far away from my parents. It was the best thing I ever did.

The nice thing about college is that you really don't need your parents for it. Especially if you have good grades. If you go to a state college, the tuition won't be as high as private; but even if you go private, it would be likely you could get some scholarship/financial aid. Either way, there is financial aid available. I did that for grad school and you just start paying it back when you're done and you get a job. It made me feel much better to be independent from my parents.

In fact, you might even consider talking to someone at a school you're interested in right now. You could probably find the number for financial aid online. Just call them up and ask what would likely happen in your situation if you were trying to do it without any help from your parents. It might give you a better idea of how possible it is.

Being in high school it might be tough to talk with a counselor if your parents aren't cooperative. But if you do have the opportunity, I'd take it. The way your mother is behaving is emotionally abusive and it will wear you down much more over time if you don't talk it over with someone.

I'm glad you know that she's way out of line and don't believe everything she says.....because she is obviously very very wrong.

I'll be praying for you...

 

[Sundew]

Thank you very much for your kind words and support.

I'm feeling much better today, since she isn't mad at me anymore, so I'm definitely feeling like I have a much better outlook on things.

I'm very fortunate that my dad's great.... He probably doesn't know half the things my mom says to me (she usually does most of the yelling in the car) but my dad's pretty good at distracting her from yelling at me once we get home, which is good.

As for college, I'm pretty sure my family wouldn't qualify for financial aid. Academically I could probably get a big scholarship if I went to a smaller school, but I'm aiming for the top colleges, which I probably wouldn't get a scholarship for. =\ But I do want to get out of the state, at the very least, where I can have some more independence. My mom actually encourages me going to a different state for college (when she's not mad at me, that is).

Anyways, thanks very much for your support. It means a lot.

 

[Ariel]

Sundew, you are not alone. I grew up in a family like yours, with a lot of abuse. It may help you to know that you are not alone, and that if you survive this you will end up strong and stable some day.

For me college was incredible, an escape, a place where I could do well because I was no longer being beaten down with abusive words. I went from mostly B's and some C's to almost straight A's. I began healing. I no longer had thoughts that bottomed out in the dregs. I still had to heal more completely, which I did later with a therapist. But I knew from that time on that the words spoken about me in childhood--that I was lazy, fat, stupid and ugly--were all lies.

I really admire you. You are doing exactly what you need to do to get out of this awful situation. Keep getting good grades and go to college. It is your way out.

May I suggest? Here are some survival techniques that may help: start a journal. Use it to vent, but make sure that no one else can ever see it. Try to debunk the lies and say encouraging things to yourself instead. You can be your own parent.

Tell yourself three good things about yourself everyday. Remember that God loves you. Try to get as close to God as you can, He will help you.

God loves you. Remember that He does not have the same opinion of you that your mom does. He calls you His jewel, His pearl of great price, His beloved daughter in whom He is well pleased. When God looks at you He sees His Son. Pursue Him, love Him, you will be so happy you did.

I am praying for you.

 

[yguy]

I just don't get it.

There's something in your mom that wants to put out your light, which was very likely done to her when she was a child. It accomplishes this by tricking you into responding with the same kind of negative energy. So you need to realize that she can no more help herself than could those who crucified Jesus, wherefore He said, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do."

 

[BlessedBaptist]

So you need to realize that she can no more help herself than could those who crucified Jesus, wherefore He said, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do."

Have you offered forgiveness to your mother? By the sound of it you do love your mother. Luke 6:27-36 says "But I say to you who give ear to me, Have love for those who are against you, do good to those who have hate for you,
Give blessing to those who give you curses, say prayers for those who are cruel to you.
If a man gives you a blow on one side of your face, then let the other side be turned to him; from him who takes away your coat, do not keep back your robe.
Give to everyone who comes with a request, and if a man takes away your property, make no attempt to get it back again.
Do to others as you would have them do to you.
If you have love for those who have love for you, what credit is it to you? for even sinners have love for those who have love for them.
And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is it to you? for even sinners do the same.
And if you let those have the use of your money, from whom you are hoping to get it back, what credit is it to you? even sinners do so to sinners, hoping to get back as much as they gave.
But be loving to those who are against you and do them good, and give them your money, not giving up hope, and your reward will be great and you will be the sons of the Most High: for he is kind to evil men, and to those who have hard hearts.
Be full of pity, even as your Father is full of pity."

Just continue to love her just like Christ loves you. Is your mother a Christian? If not it would explain a lot. 1 John 4:8 says " Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not know love does not know God, for God is love". By no means am I judging your mother, I just wanted to clarify that point. But the scriptures also tell us in Matthew 10:34-36 "Don't imagine that I came to bring peace to the earth! I came not to bring peace, but a sword. I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. Your enemies will be in your own household!"

Have you ever read the book "The Purpose Driven Life"? It is an amazing book and could help you in the season of suffering that you are going through. perhaps you can convince your mother to read it with you. Do you have a pastor that can help you with wisdom and guidence? If not there are many out there that can help you in times of need. I don't know if I've been of any help, but just remember that God loves you and he will give you strength in times of need. I will be praying for you. God Bless you.

 

[Golden_Cross]

That is a bad situation and a hard one. If you would, there is a book that I think would help you and it deals with relationships. It's called Who's Pushing Your Buttons :Handling the difficult people in your life. By Dr. John Townsend. This is an amazing book that helps you learn to change the relationship by helping you understand your "difficult person" I do not believe that your mother really thinks of you as an investment... This is prolly her way of trying to get you to be the way she wants you to be. ---And yes that's wrong--- I know that you love your mother because if you didn't you wouldn't care so much about the things she says. Growing up I was in a simular situation. I was called stupid and fat and was hurt tremendously. Satan is using your mother to get to you. It's a battle. Don't rule out that God could be puttin you through this to get you close to him. God uses difficult people to have us go to him. "when you mom goes off on you or in one of her moods try something.... Say things like Thank you or God bless you! Most people will get confused and it will sometimes get them to stop. get into a support group if you can.. Talk to people about it (include your dad) I'm sure that your mom won't like it but things will get worse before they get better! Maybe you should talk to her on one of her good days tell her how you feel and ask her if she wants to work on your relationship. Ask her if you both could go to a counsiler or phyciatrist to work through your problems. Just read that book! I gaurentee it would help.

 

[AllieMSxo]

you have been through a lot, i can't imagine a mom like that. i can't even fathom it, i'll pray for you. pleeeassse get an ipod and don't listen to her. and none of those things are true about you so know that. tennis is nothing but a speck of salt in this life, i think you should quit. and don't pay her back any money if she really tried to get you to pay her back. what is she going to do? get into college yourself with scholarships, and financial aid/student loans. if tennis is the sole problem then stop playing competetively and just play with a few friends from time to time. what does your dad say about this?

 

[Kermit_The_Frog]

Sundew, you are not alone. I grew up in a family like yours, with a lot of abuse. It may help you to know that you are not alone, and that if you survive this you will end up strong and stable some day.
.

^^^ shes not lying i saw how triton treated her on film along with her sisters

 

[bliz]

Don't make any assumptions about the cost of a college or what scholarships you could get until you actually apply. Many times, for bright students, a private college's total cost may be less that a state university with a low price tag, so withhold all judgment until you see final numbers.

Have you told your Dad how it is? He needs to know.

There are colleges that offer early admissions - you could start in September or January. It's called Early Admissions - you might check into some local colleges for the first year, and then transfer after that.

 

[TheZach]

I think its important to also remember.

Your mother loves you.

My wife went through a similar phase with her mother. It still repeats quite often. Try and treat her with as much love as possible.