My marriage needs help!

[familyman20]

"The biggest thing you need to continuely repeat to yourself is that its not your fault. You didnt do these things to her someone else did. "

Someone else may have hurt her(her parents & x-boyfriends), but she has been with me for 3 years. I feel that it is my fault because within a year and a half, she told me most of everything thing that had happened to her. My response was, at first, to be sympathetic and try to help her get past it, but soon I started to become everything she was angry about. Maybe it was because I wasn't responding properly (with patience and understanding). Instead I would become what she was angry at me for being, even though at first I never was...

Example: She would constantly accuse me of being a jerk and for not caring about her. In the begining, I would respond by appolgizing and ask her to calmly tell me her feelings... then she would calm down, and things would be okay. But over time, I lost patience and understanding... She began to always expect me to calm her down and that annoyed me alot. She made me feel like I was responsible for her attitude.

Eventually, I started responding like a jerk... by yelling back at her, calling her names and telling her that its her problem. I began throwing and slamming things... I just got worse and worse. (I've never hit her and I never would)

So she now has the complications of her past overshadowed by her horrible husband. She hardly wants to listen to me talk about making anything better because of everything I've done. If I ever mention anything about her past, she just says that I am using that as an excuse to hurt her! Its hard to help her because she has no respect for me any more. She thinks that I am like every other guy. Hearing that she thinks that of me hurts me more then anything.

 

[P3nguin2]

My fiance and I have been together for 3 years also. He was supportive as well in the beginning and then he wanted to know when I was just going to get over it. 3 Years later and I am still not over it. Jeremey (Penguin1) also became hurtful and he said things and brought up my past and it caused my heart to become cold to him. The greatest Gift God gives us is unconditional love. That is the only reason he and I have made it this far. We loved each other even when we werent showing it to each other. It was only this past september that we came back to each other within our relationship. It took a long time and a lot of hurt to get us to this point. This isnt an easy road you are on. You can pm P3nguin1 to get some further info on us and what he has been thru with me.

 

[P3nguin1]

Someone else may have hurt her(her parents & x-boyfriends), but she has been with me for 3 years. I feel that it is my fault because within a year and a half, she told me most of everything thing that had happened to her. My response was, at first, to be sympathetic and try to help her get past it, but soon I started to become everything she was angry about.

I feel like I could have written this post. When I got together with my fiance` I knew that she had been in an abusive relationship and I said to myself "All I have to do is be good to her and everything will be fine"

I underestimated how long the healing process would take for her.

Maybe it was because I wasn't responding properly (with patience and understanding). Instead I would become what she was angry at me for being, even though at first I never was...

Example: She would constantly accuse me of being a jerk and for not caring about her. In the begining, I would respond by appolgizing and ask her to calmly tell me her feelings... then she would calm down, and things would be okay. But over time, I lost patience and understanding... She began to always expect me to calm her down and that annoyed me alot. She made me feel like I was responsible for her attitude.

This mirrors my experience. In the beginning I was kind and gentle and understanding of the fact that she would overreact to some situations. After awhile it became very frustrating. All I saw was that I was being good to her and she was still lashing out at me. Talk about unfair!

Eventually I fell into the same slump you are in. I couldn't take it anymore. I began to fight back (not physically). I would say mean things. I would threaten to leave her. etc.

I know it is difficult but you need to be strong if you are going to save your marriage. The fact that you are posting here and admitting you made mistakes is a HUGE step. It shows you are willing to do whatever it takes.

All I can do is encorage you to let her vent again and return nothing but love. God compells men to love their wife as Christ loved the church. Thats a HUGE challenge. To me it means that I need to Love her even when she is treating me poorly. When she lashes out (which is not often anymore, but she still has her bad days) I need to just take it and let her get it off her chest. What I find happens when she does this is that later she realizes that she did not mean those word for me. She is genuinly sorry.

If I fight back and return the harsh words she has legitimate reason to be angry with me and she does not see that she was being unfair.

I know it is difficult to return love when you are being mistreated but that is what God asks of us.

Another thing to point out:
People who have been in an abusive relationship have a hard time adjusting to a normal one. My fiance` has told me before that at times she almost wishes that I would just hit her because that is what she knows. She understands how to function in that type of environment. She lived with it for 13 years.

Now she is with a man who, when he is angry will not hit her. It confuses her (she is starting to get used to it tho ).


I can tell you from personal experience that you are going to have to be the one to make the first move. Show her how to love you by being an example of love.

S If I ever mention anything about her past, she just says that I am using that as an excuse to hurt her! Its hard to help her because she has no respect for me any more. She thinks that I am like every other guy. Hearing that she thinks that of me hurts me more then anything.

I would caution you to NEVER bring up her past. I would caution you to NEVER bring up her past. I know I said that twice but I feel it is so important it was worth repeating.

She will bring it up when she wants to talk about it. When she brings it up GREAT, talk about it. It is her pain and bringing it up when she is not ready to "take it out of the box" and talk about it will only cause her to get angry.


Good luck, and as my penguin said, you can PM me if you wish. I have been where you are and through Gods strength and grace I have seen the other side.

 

[LN]

it's also important not to use counseling as a replacement for God in people's lives.

I also think its important not to use God as a scapegoat for not doing something that is uncomfortable or challenging.

I HIGHLY reccomend Christian counseling for this type of situation where abuse has been involved. I believe that the Lord provides us with the resources and means to overcome deep challenges, both through prayer directly and through Christian professional help. Its up to us to use it.

LN

 

[blitzn]

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I also think its important not to use God as a scapegoat for not doing something that is uncomfortable or challenging.

I HIGHLY reccomend Christian counseling for this type of situation where abuse has been involved. I believe that the Lord provides us with the resources and means to overcome deep challenges, both through prayer directly and through Christian professional help. Its up to us to use it.

LN

agreed, but only with Holy Spirit-led professional help. I have seen too many Christian marriages destroyed by "Christian" counselors who had intended good, but ultimately failed their clients because of their own views about what the marriage relationship should be. Trust me, it happens more than most people think. I definitely agree that there should be balance though.

Unfortunately, I have been through this myself and know first hand, as my wife was abused for much of her young life and we are now both suffering the consequences that the abuse has caused in her.

- blitzn

 

[familyman20]

The couple that we would talk to is both spirit filled and they know us, so I doubt that they would steer us wrong. I guess the issue now is just getting the guts to talk to them, and being willing to be completly honest...

they are good friends, kind of like mentors, but they have no idea the kind of people we are when we get angry... They think we are alot more mature then we are...

BTW - off topic, but if anyone is praying for us, also include my job situation... I just got a call from my contract company that verified that my contract is ending this month!!! So we have financial stress adding to it all as well!

Thank you again everyone for your caring support. I know what I need to do and the encouragment has really helped my attitude and outlook on our marriage.

 

[Svt4Him]

Now you also have to maybe think it may be you as well. Sorry, someone has to say it.

 

[familyman20]

At this point, it is just as much me as it is her. She still has to deal with her past, but since we are one, I also have to deal with it. I am confident that we will be able to work through this.

 

[familyman20]

Quick question...

What is everyone's opinion about having my wife read this post? I don't think I want to, because she will get mad at me for talking about us... But on the other hand, we should share everything.

I don't think I've really talked bad about her, I just know she is really hurt, but she is a wonderful and beautiful person. I know without a doubt that she is my soulmate!

 

[LN]

That's awesome that you know someone who can be helpful to you!

My vote is to show her. It will open up the lines of communication and the two of you can decide together what you want to do.

LN

 

[Evening Mist]

Familyman -- Ignore me if I'm off the wall, but is it possible that she is suffering from post partum depression? I can say from experience that PPD is terribly hard on a new marriage. Feel free to PM me if you need some resources.

As far as your issues -- we've never had counselling as a couple, but DH and I found it *extremely* helpful to lay down a handful of ground-rules for fair fighting. Things improved dramatically after we both made an effort at respecting the "rules" we came up with together. Arguing and confonting, when its done fairly, can be productive and lead to growth in a marriage. Instead of "don't fight," maybe you should strive for "fight fair," so that you can get somewhere with all your issues.

Some of the rules included "no name calling what-so-ever." Using "I" statements instead of accusations. (Example: "I feel angry," intsead of "You tick me off.") What else? Oh -- No dredging up past sins that we have already forgiven each other for. Not that they are taboo, but they are not fair ammunition in a fight, KWIM? And respecting the good intentions of the other person, even if their words don't come accross articulately the first time.

I will pray for you 3.

Congrats on the baby, BTW. A baby is hard, but always a blessing!

 

[P3nguin1]

evening mist:


That is BRILLIANT!


I wish I had not given all my blessings away I would give more to you. A rules treaty is so amazingly brilliant!

I am going to talk about this with my fiance`.

Thank you for such a great idea!

 

[Evening Mist]

P3nguin1 - - May your early years together be more peaceful than ours were! LOL.

 

[familyman20]

We have talked about such an agreement, and even dicussed what things shouldn't be said. We just haven't been able to keep to those rules. That was quite awhile ago, though... We may try that again.

She is experiancing a little PPD, but since I've seen these issues before, I can't blame that as the cause. I'm sure that our arguements make her PPD much worse (which I don't want).

 

[Evening Mist]

Try not to take that on yourself. This isn't somebody's "fault." You really can't get anywhere thinking like that. Instead, try to think in terms of problem solving.

If you think PPD might be playing a role, the best advice I can give is to do everything within your power to simplify her life. Cook meals, do the dishes,buy healthy, simple, prepared foods and keep them around the house to ensure that she eats well. If she is a SAHM, make sure she has transportation available on a regular basis to get out and change scenery. Encourage her take walks, even if it means bundling up with her and the baby and walking at night together. And she should see a doctor or midwife as well.

That first baby is really a world rocker. The impact it has on your life is similar in impact to loosing a loved one. It is confusing, because you expect having a child to be a joyfull thing -- and it really is!!! But it also has an impact, and it can be shocking, overwhelming, etc. Maybe this doesn't help, because obviously you realize it -- but just keeping telling yourself that some of this is normal. At least some of what you are going through is an experience that a lot (maybe all) new parents share, and it passes!

 

[desi]

My wife used to get angry and fuss a lot. Finally I caught on to something to quell her temper. When she would flip out I would say in a calm voice, "Maria, you sound furious. What's wrong?" This usually diffuses the situation for me, hope it helps you too.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Counseling. She's got some emotional damage she needs to work through. This damage is going to continually wreck her life until she deals with it and moves past it. On top of that you both are young and dealing with growing up.
So you've got a mighty hill to climb, but you can get through it if you both choose to.
WHether she was married or not she needs counseling though.
Maybe some marriage counseling for the two of you as well.
Good luck.