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My marriage is in Need of help

Discussion in 'Separation and Marriage Restoration' started by fireun8, May 21, 2006.

  1. fireun8

    fireun8 New Member

    15
    +0
    Christian
    Hello, my marriage is in need of desperate help. I believe it has taken its last breath or has agaonal breaths. I have done great things wrong in our marriage (cheated once, chatting , porn) to just name some. We have now been seperated now for a month. When we got seperated she said I promise that I will not do anything about divorce until you are done with counciling. She says she is not and never will be in love with me. Me on the other hand says she is to hurt from the pain I have caused. Now she says just how much time are you asking for. Counciling will never fix the way I feel about you. She says what do you expect me to wait a lifetime thinking my feelings are going to change. Since being seperated I have gotten saved and started counciling for my anger and sexual addictions. But she says there is no turning back now. Its done. I asked what does that mean divorce papers she says yes im not going to chance my view on this. I told her she has rushed into this to sit back and wait a while and she asked how long? My aunt and uncle just went throught the same thing a few years back and they told me eventhough you get divorced it can still work out trust in GOD. I want to believe that but its to hard to think it can once the divorce is final. And to beat all we have 3 kids the oldest is 8. So if you have any advice lay it on me plus I know prayer is a powerful thing. All is welcome. thank you
     
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  2. Catholic Wife

    Catholic Wife Senior Veteran

    +516
    Catholic
    Married
    Is your wife a Christian as well?

     
  3. bliz

    bliz Contributor

    +1,017
    Christian
    Married
    So, you cheated and used porn and are a sex addict and now have begun to turn your life around. And you want your wife, who put up with all this garbage for, how many years?, to give you a little while longer to clean up your act?

    Do you understand why she may not be so inclined? Do you really have any idea how hurt and angry she is? Yes, you may be very right that it is her pain talking when she says she will never love you again, but she is not going to change her tune while that pain is still so strong.

    Keep working on yourself, and keep praying - I have seen marriages restored before divorce and after. Yes, she has made a commitment to and a vow with you and she should be willing to work on the marriage, but what you are asking is not easy, especially after all those years of you not doing what you should have been doing.
     
  4. Autumnleaf

    Autumnleaf Legend

    +949
    Charismatic
    Married
    Take time with counseling, stay in prayer, and start looking at your wife more like a woman you want to date instead of your wife. Women's feelings are always changing, like the tides they ebb and flow. Give it time and prayer.
     
  5. fireun8

    fireun8 New Member

    15
    +0
    Christian
    Well I have to honestly say I dont know for sure. I know when I became saved recently I wanted to tell everyone including her, and she hasnt said anything. Also she doesnt act like a christian in her words and actions but we all sin dont get me wrong. But she says she prays daily and prayer is a powerful thing which i agree. So I just wished that she would become saved. So thank you for your input and prayers.
     
  6. tizherself

    tizherself Member

    77
    +8
    Christian
    Have you come to your wife with honest repentance? Let me explain why I ask - when my spouse was unfaithful to me - what I got was a lot of excuses why did the things he did - he was insecure, he was angry, he was weak - and I did get "I was wrong, but that's over now" What I never got was " I am SO sorry for the pain and betrayal that I've caused you/ I don't have a good enough reason for the deceit" Have you let her vent? Have you been patient while she cried and raged and tried to exorcise the insecurity that this leaves her with? Please, I am not trying to make you feel worse, just trying to reveal what may be going on in her heart. She may honestly just be afraid to give you another chance. The pain of betrayal can be brutal. Be patient, be loving, and let her know that you are on your feet and willing to fight the odds for your love. Be loud with your declarations of commitment and calm in her stormy moments. I'm rambling now, but I wish that my husband had someone to tell him the things that might have been a balm to a wounded heart - and keep praying, all things are possible with God...
     
  7. Micaiah

    Micaiah Well-Known Member

    +35
    Christian
    Adultery is a serious sin in God's eyes. God hates divorce and it is the only sin that Jesus says is reason to break the marriage union. It doesn't have to but it may give grounds.

    You are a recent Christian and may not be aware of this teaching in Scripture.
    Read Matthew 19.

    As I read it, your wife doesnt have to remain with you, regardless of whether you do or do not change. I get the impression you think that if you come clean, she has some moral obligation to stay in the marriage. Don't try to take the 'moral' high ground by arguing that it is in the families best interests if you stay together, and that she is wrong not to comply with your wishes.

    I advise that you reform because that is proper for a Christian. Tell your wife you are sorry and show her you are committed to change in what you say and what you do. Throw yourself on her mercy. Let her know you respect her right of choice in the matter. A word of caution. Make sure if you get back together that she agrees to forgive and forget. You don't want this resurfacing every time a problem or disagreement comes up in future years.

    A word of warning to other men. Read and heed. An act of folly on your part can destroy your wife's trust and your marriage. The family court situation is biased against men, at least in Australia and probably in the US from waht I can gather. I have a lot of sympathy for men whose wives divorce for reasons other than that taught in Scripture. A man who has an affair with another woman is a fool. For a very up to date discussion on the consequences of adultery have a look at Proverbs 5.
     
  8. todd555

    todd555 New Member

    29
    +6
    Non-Denom
    US-Libertarian
    Well, regardless of what you did and how bad you acted, God hates divorce and practically speaking will cause far more problems than anthing you have already done.

    You should be bold and unashamed in prayer and fight for your wife before the throne of God. Stand up and take the authority you have as a beleiver and as a husband and as a man and intercede for your wife and your family in faith.

    Like find those verses about morriage in the bible, pray them over your wife, that God would strengthen her and take every thought captive to the obediance of Christ Jesus and that your marriage would prophesy the relationship between Jesus and the Church.

    And stand up and tell the devil to get out!

    Find a copy of Proverbs 31 and open it up in a text editor and use the replace functions to substitute her name for words like "wife" and "she" and yer childrens names in the appropriate places. And yours for "husband". And start reading it aloud and beleiving it, cause, that is your wife right there.

    Don't do this directly to yer wife, of course :) With her you need to be as lowkey and unconfrontational as possible and just bless her with helpful kind words. Don't get jealous and be an idiot, no matter what happens.

    Don't fight with her about money or expect her to acknolwedge you in any way. Don't expect anything from her directly just pray for her and bless her as much as you can.

    And pray for her to have PEACE cause women do really dumb things when they get both mad and stressed. Well, we men do too, heh.

    The reason I say that is cause hurt like this is one of Satan's tools. I think we can read certain headlines in the tabloids about some famous women who were jerked around and then fell into all sorts of stupid immorality and sin because of the way they responded.

    God can set your wife on fire for Him, and you praying for her will set you on fire as well.

    Ask God to be jealous on her behalf and set angels with flaming swords around her to protect her chastity and to set traps against anyone who would try to come into her life and to confuse the wods of people trying to leasd her astray and that their words would fall to the ground.

    God can do anything.....
     
  9. SweetSerenity

    SweetSerenity New Member

    40
    +2
    Christian
    Married
    Even if you wanted to set up a time line for healing and recovery....you couldn't. The most painful part of growing is accepting the reality of the consequences of our actions and accepting that we have no control in the outcome. But there is so much hope because Christ is in you. Grace for you, your family, your children and your marriage whether or not you both commit to stay together (because y ou still have a lifetime of parenting together).
    Christ is the the way, the truth and the life. Show them you are different, show yourself....stand against the sin in your life and live for today the best you can. God will work out the details. God Bless You.
     
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