I'm just posting, to help people maybe understand me a little bit, and to hopefully maybe find some of the people I"m looking for.
There's so many details, it would take months, if not years, to explain it all, so I'll try to keep it simple. And a few years (around five years ago) something happened, that I still don't fully understand, but it made me forget the vast majority of my life, so I'll just say what I can remember.
My family, growing up, basically tried to convince me to always hold everything inside, to not talk to anyone about anything. Everything I tried to talk to them about things, they'd twist things to make it my fault, or basically just act like none of it mattered. Just grew up basically being told that almost every single thing I did was wrong, everything I thought or believed was wrong and untrue, and that nothing I did was ever good enough. A lot of the times I was happy or excited, my family shut me down. There was so much stress in my life, that I had no way of letting out, I eventually started making myself forget what happened. That gout out of hand, and now I don't remember most of my life. I now have deep-seated issues that everything I do is wrong, I"m a horrible person, and noone can ever love me or be my friend or put up with me. And that's been reinforced by almost every person I've met. Almost every person I've met in my life, has ignored me, or i try to talk to them about common interests and stuff, and they ignore me. Then I break down, talk about my problems, and they get angry at me about "always talking about my problems" and "manipulating people to feel sorry for me" and stuff like that. Yet they always ignore the times I tried to talk about things besides my problems, and they just wouldn't talk to me. I'd literally say 80 to 90 percent of the people I've met, have for some reason always twisted things to make everything wrong, look like my fault. And I have deep-seated issues with blaming myself for everything, and hating myself, so I'm definetely not the kind of guy who blames everyone else for everything, I blame myself for everything. I've met people who saw that, and told me not to blame myself for everything. Yet every time that person then did something to hurt me, and I tried to talk about things and clear them up, they'd get upset at me and tell me to stop blaming everyone else for my problems. 80 to 90 percent of the people I've met in my life, have lied to me, betrayed me, hurt me, confused me, un apologetically, and tried to convince me everything wrong is always my fault. Most of those people have been Christians. And I continue to meet Christians like that. I've tried to find Churches in my area. Except everyone in the churches I've been to, have been like the people I've met. They don't know you, so they ignore you, and if you try to get to know them, they basically make you feel terrible about yourself, and twist things to make you feel worse. I've been in an extreme anxiety attack, all day every day, for the past week or so. And that's what hurts the most. Not that so many people, so many Christians, have done those things to me, or made all my emotional issues worse, but that so many of them have never cared. That they're not sorry, and so many things have happened to me, for so long, that it's gotten to the point where I'm fully convinced I'll never have real friends. And that if I do make friends, I'm still convinced they'll abandon me or lie to me or betray me. I've been working on getting closer to God and all, but yet I still don't see how anyone will ever love me or put up with me, especially because people I trust keep showing me that that's true. I don't want to be the guy who talks about my problems all the time. I just want friends who can help me with my Christian walk, who will care about me, and talk to me, and who we can share interests with and talk about them together, maybe play videogames together. Yet it feels everyone I meet who could be that person, something goes wrong. I screw up, they abandon me, or they won't talk to me on the one form of communication that doesn't give me anxiety attacks, or whatnot. I'm not going to name names, but I've even had multiple people on this site, who I felt insulted me, belittled me, and demeaned me, for having serious problems I needed help with. And then I tried to talk other people, and most of the people I tried talking to, just defended the ones who hurt me. And that hasn't happened just here, it's happened on other Christian sites too. I used to be on one Christian site, where a staff member told a suicidal girl to just kill herself. I lost my temper (because stuff like that makes me really angry) and just kinda railed at the guy. Yet everyone on that site only cared that I railed at the guy, they didn't care at all that he told a suicidal girl to kill herself, and then he called her a "pseudo-Christian".
I'm just tired of people always only caring what I do wrong, or never caring how I'm hurt, or acting like everything I do is wrong, and ignoring my explanations, or twisting my explanations to make me sound worse.
I've been on the verge of tears, and in the middle of an anxiety attack, all day every day for the past week or so. I've decided to try to find sites, to hopefully find Christian gamer friends who can help me (Christians because I"d like to discuss faith, and discuss books about faith that I've been reading, and gamers, so we have some common interests to talk about). And every site I find, I realize, I have no clue how to meet people or talk to people. Most of the tiem, on sites I find, I post things, and people usually barely respond. Then I go through random profiles, send messages to random people, and I find friends that way. I Joined this one social anxiety site, but there's always like a hundred people logged in on that site, same with another Christian site I found. I can't go through hundreds of profiles, with my susceptibility to stress and depression and anxiety, it'll drive me insane. And I can't stop thinking, what if I meet peopel that seem cool, but they betray me too, or things just don't work out. I'm tired of being a freak noone can love or put up with. I'm tired of things failing no matter how hard I try. I'm trying to keep hope that like, I'll find a site, post a bit in some sections, and people will respond, and I'll find friends that way, and maybe some help with the site, but that hope never sticks with me. I hate myself so much, especially because all the people I've met who have been mean to me because I have problems, they always have some group of friends who loves them and thinks they're awesome, and it always makes me think, what's so bad about me, that nooen can love me and put up with me, yet all these people that seem so mean and uncaring have all these friends. Why is it that so many people have been so mean to me, ignored me when I try to talk, then later rail at me for talking about problems, yet noone cares about that stuff? I'm not gonna bore everyone with the details, but I was suicidal a few weeks ago, and while I'd never kill myself I'm still struggling with feeling alone and hopeless, like nothing will work out, noone will ever love me and support me, I'll never find the friends I want, and it sucks so much. I know of all these people who are close friends, and either hang out all the time, or were onlien friends, and then met up, and are still close friends, or got married or whatnot, and I just wish I could have hope that something like that could happen for me. But it just feels like alld my online friendshps, will either go nowhere, or I'll be betrayed me, or they'd never trust me to meet me in person. I just feel so lonely and hopeless and it sucks. Trying really hard that if I find sites to post on and make friends on, that either it'll be easy to find the people to talk to, or that they'll find me and contact me, but right now it's too hard to believe.
Edit: As expected, I forgot to add some stuff. I'm a big fan of justice. When someone does something wrong, or hurtful, it bothers me. It drives me insane, and sometimes it takes a long tiem, and therapy, to cope with it (because it bothers me that much) so when it happens again and again, especially to me, it really screws me up. Just hard to get over my anger and frustration at those situations. I've also been betrayed by almost every girl I loved. My first girlfriend, she left me for a man she knew to be an alcoholic pedophile (not even joking, and then she left me again for a guy she knew lied to her about everything about him, and used her to cheat on his girlfriend he had two kids with. SHe knew all that when she left me for him, and then most of the girls after that (except one) either just lied to me, or left me for guys who had either already cheated on them, or it was incredibly obvious they would cheat and wouldn't be good boyfriends. Just gets annoying. It really hurts the self-esteem, that I tried so hard to be so caring, to always be tehre for them and love them (and I didn't do any of the stuff you see in lists like "Top Ten Things Nice Guys Do Wrong") and then they always pass me up for, orl eave me for, guys that either it's obvious they'll be bad people, or they end up being bad people.
I've been shy my whole life,but I try my best to talk to people, and make friends. Because of my anxiety, I like taking things slow, and talking on stuff like AIM, which is the only online form of communication where I barely feel any anxiety. Just hoping to make some Christian anime/gamer friends who are willing to support me and try to understand me, and me them, and have patience, and talk to, and basically just hang out discussing things and play games together. That, or that God will bring those people to me lol. Just talk about games, anime, life, and books with. I've also been reading lots of Christian help books lately, stuff like "Where Is God When It Hurts" and stuff like that, and I Think it'd be fun to discuss that stuff with friends, whoever I make friends with or whenever it happens. I guess that's really all I"m looking for.
There's so many details, it would take months, if not years, to explain it all, so I'll try to keep it simple. And a few years (around five years ago) something happened, that I still don't fully understand, but it made me forget the vast majority of my life, so I'll just say what I can remember.
My family, growing up, basically tried to convince me to always hold everything inside, to not talk to anyone about anything. Everything I tried to talk to them about things, they'd twist things to make it my fault, or basically just act like none of it mattered. Just grew up basically being told that almost every single thing I did was wrong, everything I thought or believed was wrong and untrue, and that nothing I did was ever good enough. A lot of the times I was happy or excited, my family shut me down. There was so much stress in my life, that I had no way of letting out, I eventually started making myself forget what happened. That gout out of hand, and now I don't remember most of my life. I now have deep-seated issues that everything I do is wrong, I"m a horrible person, and noone can ever love me or be my friend or put up with me. And that's been reinforced by almost every person I've met. Almost every person I've met in my life, has ignored me, or i try to talk to them about common interests and stuff, and they ignore me. Then I break down, talk about my problems, and they get angry at me about "always talking about my problems" and "manipulating people to feel sorry for me" and stuff like that. Yet they always ignore the times I tried to talk about things besides my problems, and they just wouldn't talk to me. I'd literally say 80 to 90 percent of the people I've met, have for some reason always twisted things to make everything wrong, look like my fault. And I have deep-seated issues with blaming myself for everything, and hating myself, so I'm definetely not the kind of guy who blames everyone else for everything, I blame myself for everything. I've met people who saw that, and told me not to blame myself for everything. Yet every time that person then did something to hurt me, and I tried to talk about things and clear them up, they'd get upset at me and tell me to stop blaming everyone else for my problems. 80 to 90 percent of the people I've met in my life, have lied to me, betrayed me, hurt me, confused me, un apologetically, and tried to convince me everything wrong is always my fault. Most of those people have been Christians. And I continue to meet Christians like that. I've tried to find Churches in my area. Except everyone in the churches I've been to, have been like the people I've met. They don't know you, so they ignore you, and if you try to get to know them, they basically make you feel terrible about yourself, and twist things to make you feel worse. I've been in an extreme anxiety attack, all day every day, for the past week or so. And that's what hurts the most. Not that so many people, so many Christians, have done those things to me, or made all my emotional issues worse, but that so many of them have never cared. That they're not sorry, and so many things have happened to me, for so long, that it's gotten to the point where I'm fully convinced I'll never have real friends. And that if I do make friends, I'm still convinced they'll abandon me or lie to me or betray me. I've been working on getting closer to God and all, but yet I still don't see how anyone will ever love me or put up with me, especially because people I trust keep showing me that that's true. I don't want to be the guy who talks about my problems all the time. I just want friends who can help me with my Christian walk, who will care about me, and talk to me, and who we can share interests with and talk about them together, maybe play videogames together. Yet it feels everyone I meet who could be that person, something goes wrong. I screw up, they abandon me, or they won't talk to me on the one form of communication that doesn't give me anxiety attacks, or whatnot. I'm not going to name names, but I've even had multiple people on this site, who I felt insulted me, belittled me, and demeaned me, for having serious problems I needed help with. And then I tried to talk other people, and most of the people I tried talking to, just defended the ones who hurt me. And that hasn't happened just here, it's happened on other Christian sites too. I used to be on one Christian site, where a staff member told a suicidal girl to just kill herself. I lost my temper (because stuff like that makes me really angry) and just kinda railed at the guy. Yet everyone on that site only cared that I railed at the guy, they didn't care at all that he told a suicidal girl to kill herself, and then he called her a "pseudo-Christian".
I'm just tired of people always only caring what I do wrong, or never caring how I'm hurt, or acting like everything I do is wrong, and ignoring my explanations, or twisting my explanations to make me sound worse.
I've been on the verge of tears, and in the middle of an anxiety attack, all day every day for the past week or so. I've decided to try to find sites, to hopefully find Christian gamer friends who can help me (Christians because I"d like to discuss faith, and discuss books about faith that I've been reading, and gamers, so we have some common interests to talk about). And every site I find, I realize, I have no clue how to meet people or talk to people. Most of the tiem, on sites I find, I post things, and people usually barely respond. Then I go through random profiles, send messages to random people, and I find friends that way. I Joined this one social anxiety site, but there's always like a hundred people logged in on that site, same with another Christian site I found. I can't go through hundreds of profiles, with my susceptibility to stress and depression and anxiety, it'll drive me insane. And I can't stop thinking, what if I meet peopel that seem cool, but they betray me too, or things just don't work out. I'm tired of being a freak noone can love or put up with. I'm tired of things failing no matter how hard I try. I'm trying to keep hope that like, I'll find a site, post a bit in some sections, and people will respond, and I'll find friends that way, and maybe some help with the site, but that hope never sticks with me. I hate myself so much, especially because all the people I've met who have been mean to me because I have problems, they always have some group of friends who loves them and thinks they're awesome, and it always makes me think, what's so bad about me, that nooen can love me and put up with me, yet all these people that seem so mean and uncaring have all these friends. Why is it that so many people have been so mean to me, ignored me when I try to talk, then later rail at me for talking about problems, yet noone cares about that stuff? I'm not gonna bore everyone with the details, but I was suicidal a few weeks ago, and while I'd never kill myself I'm still struggling with feeling alone and hopeless, like nothing will work out, noone will ever love me and support me, I'll never find the friends I want, and it sucks so much. I know of all these people who are close friends, and either hang out all the time, or were onlien friends, and then met up, and are still close friends, or got married or whatnot, and I just wish I could have hope that something like that could happen for me. But it just feels like alld my online friendshps, will either go nowhere, or I'll be betrayed me, or they'd never trust me to meet me in person. I just feel so lonely and hopeless and it sucks. Trying really hard that if I find sites to post on and make friends on, that either it'll be easy to find the people to talk to, or that they'll find me and contact me, but right now it's too hard to believe.
Edit: As expected, I forgot to add some stuff. I'm a big fan of justice. When someone does something wrong, or hurtful, it bothers me. It drives me insane, and sometimes it takes a long tiem, and therapy, to cope with it (because it bothers me that much) so when it happens again and again, especially to me, it really screws me up. Just hard to get over my anger and frustration at those situations. I've also been betrayed by almost every girl I loved. My first girlfriend, she left me for a man she knew to be an alcoholic pedophile (not even joking, and then she left me again for a guy she knew lied to her about everything about him, and used her to cheat on his girlfriend he had two kids with. SHe knew all that when she left me for him, and then most of the girls after that (except one) either just lied to me, or left me for guys who had either already cheated on them, or it was incredibly obvious they would cheat and wouldn't be good boyfriends. Just gets annoying. It really hurts the self-esteem, that I tried so hard to be so caring, to always be tehre for them and love them (and I didn't do any of the stuff you see in lists like "Top Ten Things Nice Guys Do Wrong") and then they always pass me up for, orl eave me for, guys that either it's obvious they'll be bad people, or they end up being bad people.
I've been shy my whole life,but I try my best to talk to people, and make friends. Because of my anxiety, I like taking things slow, and talking on stuff like AIM, which is the only online form of communication where I barely feel any anxiety. Just hoping to make some Christian anime/gamer friends who are willing to support me and try to understand me, and me them, and have patience, and talk to, and basically just hang out discussing things and play games together. That, or that God will bring those people to me lol. Just talk about games, anime, life, and books with. I've also been reading lots of Christian help books lately, stuff like "Where Is God When It Hurts" and stuff like that, and I Think it'd be fun to discuss that stuff with friends, whoever I make friends with or whenever it happens. I guess that's really all I"m looking for.
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praying for you right now 
(you said that you were here before). Anyway you came to the right area.
You know like you were talking to a friend on the phone, pray hard, tell him what is in your heart and why it hurts, tell him everything. You know God knows already what we are thinking He just wants us to hear what is on our mind our selves. 
Lots of love to you my dear sweet brother!!!!!
