My Journey on overcoming same sex attractions.

[Kalovisor90]

Hello, I'm Kalo, I am 27.

I found these boards because I have struggled with homosexual attractions almost all of my life, I also have come a long way in the healing process, but there is one issue in particular I struggle with, also I really would like to find someone who has struggled with the same thing to talk to, all of my family knows about my struggle now and a couple very close friends, but I've never talked to anyone who has struggled and wants to overcome or has.

So I just really want to open up about my struggle give my testimony so far and ask for advise on what to do next.

let me start by saying that I was born with a cleft lip and due to completions with the procedure I only had one surgery so it is kind of noticeable, not to the point that it looks awful but I do look a little different, I have been told by many many people that I am very handsome though so I guess I believe it, but anyways I wanted to point that out because I think it's part of the reason I began to compare myself to other guys, I felt like God made a mistake with me and the bible says God doesn't make mistakes, it also made me drawn to attractive looking men who are "perfect" in a sense. so from a very young age- even though I remember getting crushes on girls, I felt drawn to boys and men.

And when I was 13 it escalated. I was home-schooled as a kid, raised with Christian parents so I already knew God and what was right from wrong. but when I was 10 my parents decide to move to the mountains and it was very isolated, I was the only boy still living at home with 4 sisters (I have 2 older brothers 14 and 16 years older then me) at the time and had very few friends, and I did not see them much. I didn't really have any close male friends expect for my sister's boyfriend who was 18.

I started watching gay pornography just before I turned 14. I knew it was wrong but felt trapped and couldn't tell anyone and was able to hide it from them for over a year. When I was 15. my dad found porn history on his computer and well it did not go well, I was grounded from the computer for a long time after that. I didn't watch any porn for a long time almost none at all for 2 years but the attractions didn't leave- looking back I think they did lessen and I wish I could say I never watched porn again or walked further down that path thereafter.

Because I did start to grow strong with God. Even had a girl who I thought I was very much in love with from 15 to 19. but I just couldn't shack the attractions completely thought it was unfair to her to move forward and started watching porn again at 17. I had ups and downs since then trying to serve God but never fully overcame, but when I was 23 it went down hill really fast. I started seeking out other men physically, realized that they were interested in me made me feel good. I began to believe that being gay was who I was and it was normal- I finished school late. so I had really poor self esteem issues on top of the shame that watching porn and liking men had done to me. but I thought I had it all planed I started college. planed to become a film director- move to Cali and find my prince. I thought my parents were evil and pretty much hated them. I was good at college, but it was very stressful.

I made very few friends, and was super lonely, I joined online dating sites and it didn't take long to find guys who were interested. long story short (I was still living at home) my parents found out I was not trying to leave that life behind- only this time I didn't repent I told them that was the way I was, they were devastated. I was dating an extremely handsome guy at that time and he dump me almost right after. I was completely broken and used sex to cope, I got sick and was beyond depressed and fighting against God at every turn my brother told me a dream he had about me that terrified me and was the beginning of a wake up call I got fired from an awful job. and that same night I gave my heart back to God and was healed.

Everything started to get better after that. but I still struggled with porn and guys from my past tried to come up. I also lost pretty much all of my friends outside of my family in this time. but I did begin to change praise God had I not turned away that night I probably would be dead now. I was still pretty absolutely shattered and had so much healing to do.

Last June I made an awful mistake and hooked up with a guy for the last time and began to feel sick again, I repented and told God I was going to serve him no matter what- I needed christian friends desperately God heard my cry this time. he began to heal me, and a week later a friend of mine I wasn't really that close with invited me to his youth group which I thought I'm kind of old(26). But I'll try it out. it turns out there were quit a few people in the 20's going. One guy I didn't realize at the time but I had a vision of him shortly before when I had prayed for friends. He is now one of my best friends, I made really close friends with several of the guys there and I haven't told them about my past, but I don't think they even realize how much their friendship has healed me. I hardly think of guys in that way it all anymore. Have no desire for a romantic relationship with one, and have a deep desire for a wife, something I had lost a few years ago.

But I still struggle with gay porn I have been trying to quit and while I can leave it for a while it keeps trying to hold on. and because I've been struggling with it for so long I struggle with depression and feel insecure at times, I also had to deal with a kind of infatuation with a couple of my friends, I mostly keep in check now. but because I have lost so many friends in my past it's hard for me to truly trust them, even though I feel they are perhaps some of the friends I've ever made.

God has come such along way with me, but I still have so far to go, any advise and prayers would be really appreciated. I feel like the porn is the last strong hold the devil has on me I want to be a husband and father. I have felt like God's may be telling me to give my testimony so I can help others, but I've been afraid of what people may think, especially I still struggle in some ways, but I realize that it isn't gay to straight it's lost to save and I just want God and to put him above all else.

 

[Joe 73]

Hello, I'm Kalo, I am 27.

I found these boards because I have struggled with homosexual attractions almost all of my life, I also have come a long way in the healing process, but there is one issue in particular I struggle with, also I really would like to find someone who has struggled with the same thing to talk to, all of my family knows about my struggle now and a couple very close friends, but I've never talked to anyone who has struggled and wants to overcome or has.

So I just really want to open up about my struggle give my testimony so far and ask for advise on what to do next.

let me start by saying that I was born with a cleft lip and due to completions with the procedure I only had one surgery so it is kind of noticeable, not to the point that it looks awful but I do look a little different, I have been told by many many people that I am very handsome though so I guess I believe it, but anyways I wanted to point that out because I think it's part of the reason I began to compare myself to other guys, I felt like God made a mistake with me and the bible says God doesn't make mistakes, it also made me drawn to attractive looking men who are "perfect" in a sense. so from a very young age- even though I remember getting crushes on girls, I felt drawn to boys and men.

And when I was 13 it escalated. I was home-schooled as a kid, raised with Christian parents so I already knew God and what was right from wrong. but when I was 10 my parents decide to move to the mountains and it was very isolated, I was the only boy still living at home with 4 sisters (I have 2 older brothers 14 and 16 years older then me) at the time and had very few friends, and I did not see them much. I didn't really have any close male friends expect for my sister's boyfriend who was 18.

I started watching gay pornography just before I turned 14. I knew it was wrong but felt trapped and couldn't tell anyone and was able to hide it from them for over a year. When I was 15. my dad found porn history on his computer and well it did not go well, I was grounded from the computer for a long time after that. I didn't watch any porn for a long time almost none at all for 2 years but the attractions didn't leave- looking back I think they did lessen and I wish I could say I never watched porn again or walked further down that path thereafter.

Because I did start to grow strong with God. Even had a girl who I thought I was very much in love with from 15 to 19. but I just couldn't shack the attractions completely thought it was unfair to her to move forward and started watching porn again at 17. I had ups and downs since then trying to serve God but never fully overcame, but when I was 23 it went down hill really fast. I started seeking out other men physically, realized that they were interested in me made me feel good. I began to believe that being gay was who I was and it was normal- I finished school late. so I had really poor self esteem issues on top of the shame that watching porn and liking men had done to me. but I thought I had it all planed I started college. planed to become a film director- move to Cali and find my prince. I thought my parents were evil and pretty much hated them. I was good at college, but it was very stressful.

I made very few friends, and was super lonely, I joined online dating sites and it didn't take long to find guys who were interested. long story short (I was still living at home) my parents found out I was not trying to leave that life behind- only this time I didn't repent I told them that was the way I was, they were devastated. I was dating an extremely handsome guy at that time and he dump me almost right after. I was completely broken and used sex to cope, I got sick and was beyond depressed and fighting against God at every turn my brother told me a dream he had about me that terrified me and was the beginning of a wake up call I got fired from an awful job. and that same night I gave my heart back to God and was healed.

Everything started to get better after that. but I still struggled with porn and guys from my past tried to come up. I also lost pretty much all of my friends outside of my family in this time. but I did begin to change praise God had I not turned away that night I probably would be dead now. I was still pretty absolutely shattered and had so much healing to do.

Last June I made an awful mistake and hooked up with a guy for the last time and began to feel sick again, I repented and told God I was going to serve him no matter what- I needed christian friends desperately God heard my cry this time. he began to heal me, and a week later a friend of mine I wasn't really that close with invited me to his youth group which I thought I'm kind of old(26). But I'll try it out. it turns out there were quit a few people in the 20's going. One guy I didn't realize at the time but I had a vision of him shortly before when I had prayed for friends. He is now one of my best friends, I made really close friends with several of the guys there and I haven't told them about my past, but I don't think they even realize how much their friendship has healed me. I hardly think of guys in that way it all anymore. Have no desire for a romantic relationship with one, and have a deep desire for a wife, something I had lost a few years ago.

But I still struggle with gay porn I have been trying to quit and while I can leave it for a while it keeps trying to hold on. and because I've been struggling with it for so long I struggle with depression and feel insecure at times, I also had to deal with a kind of infatuation with a couple of my friends, I mostly keep in check now. but because I have lost so many friends in my past it's hard for me to truly trust them, even though I feel they are perhaps some of the friends I've ever made.

God has come such along way with me, but I still have so far to go, any advise and prayers would be really appreciated. I feel like the porn is the last strong hold the devil has on me I want to be a husband and father. I have felt like God's may be telling me to give my testimony so I can help others, but I've been afraid of what people may think, especially I still struggle in some ways, but I realize that it isn't gay to straight it's lost to save and I just want God and to put him above all else.

Thank you for sharing. I'm Joe, and I'm 19.

This might step on some toes, but this book was very beneficial in understanding my own homosexual attractions, and what I can do about them. I recommend it.

I've read the book, and I've found a bit of healing, but nevertheless I still struggle with homosexual fantasy and masturbation sometimes. My heterosexual interest isn't really working, at least for now. there is probably some emotional blockage, but that makes it easier for homosexual interest to fill in when I'm sexually tempted. Recently I've fallen back into homosexual fantasy and masturbation to cope with non unrelated stressfull circumstances. It's not *particularily* attractive, but it's a tempting distraction from pain.
And even though I know what I can do to heal, I still have trouble doing it. I still isolate myself from friends, never open up about things, particularily same sex attraction, There's significantly more healing that can happen.


Me and a few other guys had some PM's on serious homosexual related topics last year. I would put a "trigger" warning on some of the content, though. we talked about homosexual related fetishes, and insecurities we were going through back and forth. They may be be emotionally triggering, or triggering from sexual imagery(we did not shy away from explicit descriptions).
But I could share those conversations with you. They might ring a chord somewhere.

I am interested in film as well. That's interesting.

I don't really struggle with porn much. When I was 18 It took me about 1 and 1/2 months to quit porn, One thing I did was I put a cross on my logon screen. I took up my time praying the rosary at night when I was tempted. I also was living with very devout practicing catholic people, and that was my intial motivation, I was sick of the double to quit the double life I brought from my early teenage years, and eventually got the courage to make a long overdue confession. It took about 3-4 months to end masturbation, and then I was clean for at least 3-4 months. Sadly I fell back into it.

What I'm learning is that masturbation, and other sexual and addicting struggles, are not always their own struggle. They usually are the avoidance of pain, of another struggle. So the key to overcoming it is to face the pain, to accept a lot of suffering without running away from it. We keep being tempted with "This will relieve your pain, and make you happy". At least this is the case for me right now. It's not particularily the homoemotional desires that are driving my sexual addictions, I've found some healing, my inferiority and gender idenity/confidence issues that use to drive my homosexual desires are significantly healed, in comparison to how they were, Homosexual fantasies feel significantly less "good" compared to how they used to. But I'm still trying to drown my pain and fear with sex. It's not working.

It may be beneficial for you to open up about your past to your friends. It should help with insecurity, you can't worry about how people will think of you if they know, If it's already happened.and If they are dealing with any sexual struggles themselves, you could be mutual accountability partners.

 

[Spherical]

I feel you, man. Over the years (and for the last 11 years) I've "gained back" my attraction towards women, but the attraction towards men has always remained present. My current struggle is mostly pornography in that sense. I've experienced noticeable progress, but mainly through keeping myself busy and trying to relate more with other people. The problem is, what happens when those other people are not around or when I have nothing to do? That's when I usually relapse in it.

Thanks for sharing your story and for being honest with us. I'll be praying for you. If you ever need to talk feel free to shoot me a PM.

 

[Kalovisor90]

I feel you, man. Over the years (and for the last 11 years) I've "gained back" my attraction towards women, but the attraction towards men has always remained present. My current struggle is mostly pornography in that sense. I've experienced noticeable progress, but mainly through keeping myself busy and trying to relate more with other people. The problem is, what happens when those other people are not around or when I have nothing to do? That's when I usually relapse in it.

Thanks for sharing your story and for being honest with us. I'll be praying for you. If you ever need to talk feel free to shoot me a PM.

Thanks Spherical, nice to hear from someone who has similar struggles, sounds like we are in similar situations

 

[Jesus' Girl]

I struggled with same sex attraction when I was young (about 9) to even on the odd occasion now. I am not interested in porn or sexual relationships with women. I struggled so deeply with fantasising about them and wanting to be accepted by them and being their friend. Even doing artwork. I honestly dislike it but I can overcome it

 

[Kalovisor90]

I struggled with same sex attraction when I was young (about 9) to even on the odd occasion now. I am not interested in porn or sexual relationships with women. I struggled so deeply with fantasising about them and wanting to be accepted by them and being their friend. Even doing artwork. I honestly dislike it but I can overcome it

Are you sure this is same sex attraction? it is natural for you to want to be accepted by your own sex. everyone wants to be accepted period.

I felt what you are feeling too, but I feel like it is when you start to feel isolated from your own sex is when temptation for these attractions can occur.

You raise some good questions, obsessing too much over anything is a bad thing, I will keep you in my prayers Jesus' girl.

 

[Young86]

I am fighting with homosexuality for years. It is unbearable. I want persons who are going through the same for talk and mutual help because I can't find anyone in my country. I am a woman and I learned a lot because I follow one therapy. If someone wants to talk with me, please, I will be very glad, write <staff edit>

 

[salt-n-light]

I am fighting with homosexuality for years. It is unbearable. I want persons who are going through the same for talk and mutual help because I can't find anyone in my country. I am a woman and I learned a lot because I follow one therapy. If someone wants to talk with me, please, I will be very glad, write <staff edit>

You're feel to DM me

 

[dude99]

I feel for you. Even if you share your testimony then I recommend you to share it with your pastor first before anyone else. Not everyone needs to know of your past. I actually did share my testimony of I used to be gay to some Christian men and I see now that some of them did not need to know. If I were you even if you share your testimony be cautious on who you share with. I have lost friendships with a few Christian men since I shared it and the last Christian guy I shared with ended up in me being very hurt. It is very good for you having Christian male friends.

 

[ForeverRoyal87]

Thank you for sharing. I'm Joe, and I'm 19.

This might step on some toes, but this book was very beneficial in understanding my own homosexual attractions, and what I can do about them. I recommend it.

I've read the book, and I've found a bit of healing, but nevertheless I still struggle with homosexual fantasy and masturbation sometimes. My heterosexual interest isn't really working, at least for now. there is probably some emotional blockage, but that makes it easier for homosexual interest to fill in when I'm sexually tempted. Recently I've fallen back into homosexual fantasy and masturbation to cope with non unrelated stressfull circumstances. It's not *particularily* attractive, but it's a tempting distraction from pain.
And even though I know what I can do to heal, I still have trouble doing it. I still isolate myself from friends, never open up about things, particularily same sex attraction, There's significantly more healing that can happen.


Me and a few other guys had some PM's on serious homosexual related topics last year. I would put a "trigger" warning on some of the content, though. we talked about homosexual related fetishes, and insecurities we were going through back and forth. They may be be emotionally triggering, or triggering from sexual imagery(we did not shy away from explicit descriptions).
But I could share those conversations with you. They might ring a chord somewhere.

I am interested in film as well. That's interesting.

I don't really struggle with porn much. When I was 18 It took me about 1 and 1/2 months to quit porn, One thing I did was I put a cross on my logon screen. I took up my time praying the rosary at night when I was tempted. I also was living with very devout practicing catholic people, and that was my intial motivation, I was sick of the double to quit the double life I brought from my early teenage years, and eventually got the courage to make a long overdue confession. It took about 3-4 months to end masturbation, and then I was clean for at least 3-4 months. Sadly I fell back into it.

What I'm learning is that masturbation, and other sexual and addicting struggles, are not always their own struggle. They usually are the avoidance of pain, of another struggle. So the key to overcoming it is to face the pain, to accept a lot of suffering without running away from it. We keep being tempted with "This will relieve your pain, and make you happy". At least this is the case for me right now. It's not particularily the homoemotional desires that are driving my sexual addictions, I've found some healing, my inferiority and gender idenity/confidence issues that use to drive my homosexual desires are significantly healed, in comparison to how they were, Homosexual fantasies feel significantly less "good" compared to how they used to. But I'm still trying to drown my pain and fear with sex. It's not working.

It may be beneficial for you to open up about your past to your friends. It should help with insecurity, you can't worry about how people will think of you if they know, If it's already happened.and If they are dealing with any sexual struggles themselves, you could be mutual accountability partners.

Thank you for sharing Joe. I've also struggled with same sex attraction my entire life. Started when I was around 10 years old. When I was 13, I found online chat rooms to explore my feelings. Unfortunately, I ended up hooking up with random men I met online and this has left me scarred and wounded. I'm married now but fell back into my sin a few years into my marriage. I told her what happened and she decided to forgive and stay with me. However, I would caution about telling others. Some people, even "friends", may not have your best interests in mind. I'm doing my best in fighting temptation but it never goes away. It may dull with prayer and pleading with God, but the fleshly desire never disappears completely. All we can do is trust in Jesus and fight each day to not fall back into sin. God bless you! If you ever need to talk, let me know.

 

[ForeverRoyal87]

Hello, I'm Kalo, I am 27.

I found these boards because I have struggled with homosexual attractions almost all of my life, I also have come a long way in the healing process, but there is one issue in particular I struggle with, also I really would like to find someone who has struggled with the same thing to talk to, all of my family knows about my struggle now and a couple very close friends, but I've never talked to anyone who has struggled and wants to overcome or has.

So I just really want to open up about my struggle give my testimony so far and ask for advise on what to do next.

let me start by saying that I was born with a cleft lip and due to completions with the procedure I only had one surgery so it is kind of noticeable, not to the point that it looks awful but I do look a little different, I have been told by many many people that I am very handsome though so I guess I believe it, but anyways I wanted to point that out because I think it's part of the reason I began to compare myself to other guys, I felt like God made a mistake with me and the bible says God doesn't make mistakes, it also made me drawn to attractive looking men who are "perfect" in a sense. so from a very young age- even though I remember getting crushes on girls, I felt drawn to boys and men.

And when I was 13 it escalated. I was home-schooled as a kid, raised with Christian parents so I already knew God and what was right from wrong. but when I was 10 my parents decide to move to the mountains and it was very isolated, I was the only boy still living at home with 4 sisters (I have 2 older brothers 14 and 16 years older then me) at the time and had very few friends, and I did not see them much. I didn't really have any close male friends expect for my sister's boyfriend who was 18.

I started watching gay pornography just before I turned 14. I knew it was wrong but felt trapped and couldn't tell anyone and was able to hide it from them for over a year. When I was 15. my dad found porn history on his computer and well it did not go well, I was grounded from the computer for a long time after that. I didn't watch any porn for a long time almost none at all for 2 years but the attractions didn't leave- looking back I think they did lessen and I wish I could say I never watched porn again or walked further down that path thereafter.

Because I did start to grow strong with God. Even had a girl who I thought I was very much in love with from 15 to 19. but I just couldn't shack the attractions completely thought it was unfair to her to move forward and started watching porn again at 17. I had ups and downs since then trying to serve God but never fully overcame, but when I was 23 it went down hill really fast. I started seeking out other men physically, realized that they were interested in me made me feel good. I began to believe that being gay was who I was and it was normal- I finished school late. so I had really poor self esteem issues on top of the shame that watching porn and liking men had done to me. but I thought I had it all planed I started college. planed to become a film director- move to Cali and find my prince. I thought my parents were evil and pretty much hated them. I was good at college, but it was very stressful.

I made very few friends, and was super lonely, I joined online dating sites and it didn't take long to find guys who were interested. long story short (I was still living at home) my parents found out I was not trying to leave that life behind- only this time I didn't repent I told them that was the way I was, they were devastated. I was dating an extremely handsome guy at that time and he dump me almost right after. I was completely broken and used sex to cope, I got sick and was beyond depressed and fighting against God at every turn my brother told me a dream he had about me that terrified me and was the beginning of a wake up call I got fired from an awful job. and that same night I gave my heart back to God and was healed.

Everything started to get better after that. but I still struggled with porn and guys from my past tried to come up. I also lost pretty much all of my friends outside of my family in this time. but I did begin to change praise God had I not turned away that night I probably would be dead now. I was still pretty absolutely shattered and had so much healing to do.

Last June I made an awful mistake and hooked up with a guy for the last time and began to feel sick again, I repented and told God I was going to serve him no matter what- I needed christian friends desperately God heard my cry this time. he began to heal me, and a week later a friend of mine I wasn't really that close with invited me to his youth group which I thought I'm kind of old(26). But I'll try it out. it turns out there were quit a few people in the 20's going. One guy I didn't realize at the time but I had a vision of him shortly before when I had prayed for friends. He is now one of my best friends, I made really close friends with several of the guys there and I haven't told them about my past, but I don't think they even realize how much their friendship has healed me. I hardly think of guys in that way it all anymore. Have no desire for a romantic relationship with one, and have a deep desire for a wife, something I had lost a few years ago.

But I still struggle with gay porn I have been trying to quit and while I can leave it for a while it keeps trying to hold on. and because I've been struggling with it for so long I struggle with depression and feel insecure at times, I also had to deal with a kind of infatuation with a couple of my friends, I mostly keep in check now. but because I have lost so many friends in my past it's hard for me to truly trust them, even though I feel they are perhaps some of the friends I've ever made.

God has come such along way with me, but I still have so far to go, any advise and prayers would be really appreciated. I feel like the porn is the last strong hold the devil has on me I want to be a husband and father. I have felt like God's may be telling me to give my testimony so I can help others, but I've been afraid of what people may think, especially I still struggle in some ways, but I realize that it isn't gay to straight it's lost to save and I just want God and to put him above all else.

Thank you for sharing. See my reply to Joe for my brief story. There's more of us than we realize.