My IOOV Presentation

[Alive again]

IOOV is In Our Own Voice a presentation through NAMI by people with a mental illness to help break down stigmas in our society. I have been a presenter for over a year and a half now, and just had to update my presentation and thought I would post it here if anyone is interested, they can also be a presenter if your area has a IOOV program.

It gets long. I will post it in the 6 installments that the talk is broken up into.

Intro, dark days, acceptance, treatment, coping, and finally, hopes and dreams.

 

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Intro

I would like to thank you for coming today and welcome you to “In Our Own Voice”. Oregon NAMI, the local chapter of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, brings this program to you. NAMI is a nationwide consumer and family support, education and advocacy program. It is our hope that in sharing our stories, we will help to continue to break down the stigmas that exist in our society about those of us living with a mental illness.

I am a native of the Pacific Northwest and have lived in the Salem area for over 30 years. I worked for 15 years as an ICU and Hospice nurse. I have been married for 23 and have 2 children. My son is 21 and my daughter is 19. I grew up on a farm and thus love animals! I currently have 2 dogs, 2 cats and a guinea pig. I have served on a private school board, several non-profit boards and a statewide ethics committee. I am active in my church and community, serving lunch at the UGM, Simonka House and as a volunteer for Compassion International. I enjoy reading, sewing, quilting, needlework, gardening and baking (which my husband wishes I did more of).


In today’s presentation we will be using a five part video. We will stop the video after each section and share our stories of living with a mental illness—in our own words—in our own voice. At the end of each section, we will have a question and answer period. We also have some rake home information for you and an evaluation from which we would appreciate you filling out before you leave. This allows us to document for funding purposes and to continually improve our presentation.

 

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Dark Days


My darkest days began when I was working as a Hospice Nurse. One day, I realized that while I was evaluating one of my patients for suicide risk, I was simultaneously planning my own suicide. I began treatment at that time and had a great deal of difficulty with side effects of medications. I took a thirty day medical leave of absence and was never able to return. Thus began the longest, darkest twelve years of my life. At that time my main support groups were my friends in health care and in my church. After several attempts to share my struggles with them resulted in unkind and rude responses, I allowed this stigma to drive me into hiding and told no one except my husband and immediate family what was happening. Then I had to face the stigma in my own family; my husband and brothers felt I was faking it because I looked “normal”. I felt no one was safe to tell and withdrew even more. Thus I spent large amounts of time in bed because it was the closest thing to being dead I could find without actually killing myself. I was no longer able to sleep well, nor did I have the energy or stamina to participate in my hobbies. Music became irritating rather than the comfort it had always been. And my world literally became black and white. I was no longer able to perceive or experience the joy of colors. Picking up the phone to call a friend, or to send a card was beyond my abilities. I remember crying endlessly in the shower where no one could hear me.

None of the many, many medications we tried seemed to help and usually caused side effects I found to be unacceptable. In a desperate attempt to return to work, I even tried ECT, electroshock therapy. Through these times, the only thing that kept me alive and fighting for wellness and life was my faith in God.

I remember one time in the shower when it felt like the blackness would consume me. I knew if I did not fight it by calling on God for help, I would never return from that darkness.

As my symptoms worsened, I develop[ed rages. Incredibly intense and unpredictable anger directed at my family over the smallest things, like leaving a dirty butter knife on the counter. Despite the loss of my career and all the other things I loved, these rages were the single most difficult thing for me to accept and deal with.

I will always remember these days. And there will always be a fear inside of me that someday, they will return. I have learned to use these memories and fears to help me cope and continue on in my day to day journey on this road called recovery.

 

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Acceptance

I was originally diagnosed with depression. It wasn’t until almost 10 years later that I was diagnoses as having bipolar type 2. This is one of the three types of bipolar (manic depression). BP2 is characterized by hypomanias, smaller highs, alternating with lows or depressions. It is also more common for the moods to change quickly, and they can last only a few minutes or hours rather than days, weeks, or months.

It was much easier for me to accept the idea of depression. I was able to convince myself that I wasn’t “as bad” as others with a mental illness. That someday, I would be “normal” again. When my diagnosis was changed to bipolar type 2, I had to face not only the fears of whether to tell others about my new diagnosis or not, but then I had to face my own internal stigma. You see, my least favorite rotation during nursing school had been my psych rotation, I felt unable to help and truly did not understand, nor want to understand anything more than memorized facts to get my grade.

As I began to accept my illness and educate myself about it, I was able to look back and see the traces of this illness throughout my childhood. I realize it is my responsibility to take care of myself, which includes this illness. I had to learn that bp does not define the entirety of who I am. It has been a long hard road for me to be able to stand before you today, and despite the stigmas of out society, say: I have a biological brain disorder, bipolar type 2.

 

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Treatment


My treatment began with a combination or medications and counseling (talk therapy). Unfortunately, my first counselor was not able to keep appropriate boundaries and became angry with a family member. This just escalated my own anger and illness. At that time I chose to switch providers. I had to get myself checked into a locked ward at the hospital to get a referral to a psychiatrist without waiting six months, the waiting list are longer in Salem today, if you can find one accepting new patients. I was referred to an excellent local psychiatrist who is still my doctor today. My doctor encourages me to be an active participant in my care and provides me with information, knowledge and medication to help me learn more and treat my disease.

My bipolar was not diagnosed for about 12 years. It is easy to miss bipolar type 2 because the highs are smaller than with bipolar type 1 and can feel like a “good” day. This is what happened to me. I also spent most of my time in depression and had very few hypomanias. We discovered the role stigma played in my diagnosis as well. You see, when my Dad died, we found out that that he had bp2, and was too ashamed to admit it. Around this time a nurse practicioner listened closely to my son’s symptoms. And with this added information changed his diagnosis from depression to bp 2. It was then I was able to look at the possibility that I might also be bp2.

After years of frustration: trying all the antidepressants out there, alone and in combination with many other types of medications; trying herbals, light therapy.; suffering from multiple side effects; and not seeing much, if any improvement; my doctor and I began to concentrate on mood stabilizers in higher doses than before. I continued to have side effects ranging from incapacitating hand tremors to daytime grogginess, insomnia, rashes and bleeding disorders. Then one day, we began one of the newer mood stabilizers. It was like a switch went on in my brain. I was suddenly alert, sleeping better and able to think clearly for the first time in twelve years. Colors returned to my world, music became enjoyable and I began the process of digging out of the years of damage my illness had left behind—especially in my relationships with my family and friends. I was able to finally after multiple attempts over the years, seek out and find a therapist to help me talk about and begin to work on these issues. You see, my HMO denied payment for me to see my psychiatrist for counseling, even though when the doctor and I began counseling, it was some of the most helpful counseling I had ever had. I still have side effects from my medicine. In fact, one of them can be quite serious, that is why I where this medication alert bracelet. but with my doctor’s help, they are being managed.

 

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Coping


Taking my medication regularly has allowed me to work with my psychiatrist and counselor to face the poor coping skills I had developed, such as denial, avoidance, withdrawal and poor self talk; and to begin to build on the good coping skills I already have:

My faith grounds me and gives me strength and hope to face each day. I now understand better just how precious I am to God.

Listening to music now calms me or invigorates me.

Reading can allow me a temporary safe escape from reality, allowing me to clear my thinking to allow better problem solving.

I am once again able to reach out to others—volunteering reminds me that I am not the only one with difficulties.


I am also building new, healthy coping skills.

Educating myself about bp2 through Christian books and the internet has been extremely helpful with changing the feelings that some one without this disease cannot understand.

A healthy diet, I have lost 70 pounds over the last 2 years.

I am still in the process of adding exercise—somehow walking out among God’s creation has always brought a peace to my soul I could find now other place.

I am reaching out and talking to others about my illness, such as being here today.

I am surrounding myself with a new support system, online and in person, those who can call me at 3 am, and those I can call when I need help. People who help me laugh, accept that I am not perfect and help me to accept that as well.

I have learned how to identify my triggers.

I watch my stress level, sleep patterns and caffeine intake closely.

I am learning and will probably be learning my entire life, healthier communication skills.



I accept now, that learning to cope with my disease bipolar 2, this thing I call recovery, is a life long process.

 

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Hopes and Dreams


One of my God given strengths is as a caregiver/nurturer. Since I was 6 years old the dream of my life was to become a nurse. The 15 years I worked as a nurse where some of the most rewarding and challenging years of my life. Achieving my Advanced Cardiac Life support and Critical Care Nursing accreditations where a high point of my career as a critical care nurse. But working as a hospice nurse, was a perfect fit for me, it was what I went into nursing to do. I hope one day to complete a reentry program for nursing and return to the career I loved. But I know if that never happens, having this illness has strengthened me. It has grown my faith in, and understanding of God. It has given me a new understanding of myself, and my inner strengths. It has deepened my understanding of the struggles other people with all kinds of illness face. It has made me a better person.

I am thankful to have been married for 23 years, to have 2 children in college and to be able to use my strengths, my life,-- my story to impact my community.

 

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For those of you who were bored enough to read it all, feel free to give me input on typos and grammar problems or input on improvements.

For those of you who know me better and know that I am already working on my return to nursing. Know that I am not sharing that yet, because I am afraid of the stigmas within my profession that might report me and prevent me from getting my license back at this point. But I am done with my studies and have a limited license in my hand. I have an appoint the second week of April with my clinical site. I have to complete 160 hours of supervised nursing and skills in a year and then I will have my license back. The funny thing is the closer I get to having it back, the more I realize that God is allowing me this success while changing the desire of my heart. I cannot wait to see what God has planned!!!

May God be with each one of you, my dear friends and support system that have been an important part of my journey with this disease!

Blessings and prayers!!!

 

[berry2000]

Wow that was a very good presentation. It kind of makes me want to go to one of those meetings. Sometimes I feel so alone...it helps to here stories of others. Good luck with the real live presentation.