My (Interactive) Blog

[therebelprophet]

I know that there is a blog section, but that's kinda boring to only have people read what you write. So here I start one that's "interactive". That way, if you don't understand what I'm writing about, you can ask me! I am not so sure that this will work out like I think it will, but I'm willing to give it a shot. And just to clear the air on some other matters, for those who might get offended...I'm sorry. I can be a jerk and I will apologize right here and now for any future grievances.

I'm done.

 

[therebelprophet]

She stays at the edges of my vision.
Always out of reach.
Always a heartbeat away.
It doesn't matter that it's been a year.
She's still there.
How profoundly she has affected me and I cannot walk away!
I am caught in a snare.
Her mannerisms follow me.
Tinkerbell on overdrive.
They returned to me today
to say hello
and I pushed them aside.
I can't see her make that face
or say that word just so...and it hurts.
Not ferociously.
It stings,
like almost burning yourself but not quite.
You feel the fire,
but it leaves no mark.
I felt the fire.
But I am already scorched.

I do not dwell on this.
Yet I write about it.
I miss her.
What an understatement.
I've tried to convince myself to leave, but it's not an option.
The only option is to wait.

Like a seesaw.
Back and forth.
I will, I won't, I'll never.

I miss her, too.
What a friend.
Maybe some day,
but not now.

This is necessary, this pouring out, this telling the tale. Someone has to know. Someone has to see it unfold, see the bloom become a beautiful rose.

As big as your face.
A petaled pillow.
The most exquisite blossom you ever saw.
Seed on manure and Love crucified a Rose.
Love Crucified,
Arose.
Such will be my tale.
But not her, too.
Maybe.
I'm no prophet,
I just do what God tells me.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

Such a nice poem. Is that about your xgf/lesbian friend you were talking about? Is that for real or are you writing a fiction book? It seems very surreal for some reason. Or your life has been very dramatic.

 

[therebelprophet]

Such a nice poem. Is that about your xgf/lesbian friend you were talking about? Is that for real or are you writing a fiction book? It seems very surreal for some reason. Or your life has been very dramatic.

It depends on how you look at it. The post to which you are referring was actually my attempt at writing "stream-of-consciousness" and it didn't quite come out like I wanted it to. But yes, it is about Hannah (yes, that's her name) and it is about something that happened yesterday. I was at work and I did something with my face that I have seen her do a thousand times and on her face it is absolutely adorable; it's one of her little quirks that I particularly enjoyed. Even after a year with no physical contact with her I'm still copying her mannerisms, and yes, it does hurt.

As far as the drama goes...that's what depends. They say that perception is 9/10 of reality. Either my life really has been that dramatic or I'm just OVERLY dramatic and I make it that way. However, the overwhelming consensus from outside sources is that, yes, my life has been full of drama, sometimes TOO much drama, and sometimes so much that it actually becomes trauma. (No pun intended) My life, especially the last five years, has been both dramatic and TRaumatic. But it's made me what I am. And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

It depends on how you look at it. The post to which you are referring was actually my attempt at writing "stream-of-consciousness" and it didn't quite come out like I wanted it to. But yes, it is about Hannah (yes, that's her name) and it is about something that happened yesterday. I was at work and I did something with my face that I have seen her do a thousand times and on her face it is absolutely adorable; it's one of her little quirks that I particularly enjoyed. Even after a year with no physical contact with her I'm still copying her mannerisms, and yes, it does hurt.

As far as the drama goes...that's what depends. They say that perception is 9/10 of reality. Either my life really has been that dramatic or I'm just OVERLY dramatic and I make it that way. However, the overwhelming consensus from outside sources is that, yes, my life has been full of drama, sometimes TOO much drama, and sometimes so much that it actually becomes trauma. (No pun intended) My life, especially the last five years, has been both dramatic and TRaumatic. But it's made me what I am. And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

My brother ha s asaying "hindsights 20/20 and I think I'm going blind" but I think our past teachers a lot yet all we can change about it is how we look at it.

 

[therebelprophet]

There is such a feeling of expectancy in my life right now. For those of you who have seen some of my other posts, particularly the ones in the "difficult times" thread in this same sub-forum, perhaps that would seem like a drastic turnaround. In some ways it is, but in others not so much. I don't just act like a Christian. I AM a Christian. It's a state of being, not a state of mind. I cannot get away from it even if I try for it is me and I am it.

There is a great horde of blessings that are waiting in the wings in my life. Hannah is one of them, the fulfillment of God's promise to me, and something that many people are waiting to see come to pass. That is, indeed, humbling. God is doing something big on many levels. Personally, I feel as though there is an enormous box hanging in the skies overhead that is filled with all sorts of good things, extravagant blessings, joy, peace, and fulfillment of many long-held and long-put-off dreams. This box is about to be rummaged through by God and He's going to start throwing blessings into my life like Santa going through his magical Sack O' Toys.

"Hmmm, let's see here. *rummage rummage rummage* Ehh, you're not ready for that one yet, we'll put it aside for now. *rummage rummage rummage* This looks good! *toss* *rummage rummage rummage* Here's another one! *toss* *rummage rummage* and have some of this while I'm at it! *toss* *rummage rumm* OH! I've been waiting a long time to give you this one! Oh my, but it's matured with a little time, now, hasn't it? Here ya go!"

And people laugh when I say God's crazy.

I'm looking forward to life for a change. It's been a while since life was actually exciting.
It's a new season,
it's a new day,
the old one is passing away,
there's no time for tears,
or unreasonable fears,
no time for needless sorrow,
or for worrying about tomorrow,
the time for action is drawing near,
prepare yourself, lift up your ear
you know not when the battle cries
so keep your sword held close beside

It will be a glorious new day. It will be all that God has promised me. We will be a wonder to the world. In Jesus name, I'm done.

 

[JPPT1974]

You are a poet and you know it
Ever thought about getting your poems published
As you do a great job at it!

 

[therebelprophet]

You are a poet and you know it
Ever thought about getting your poems published
As you do a great job at it!

I am actually researching different publishing options for a book I'm in the process of writing and have thought about publishing my poems as well, but as of right now I am not finding what I'm looking for in that avenue. If anyone has any suggestions I'm all ears.

 

[therebelprophet]

So I was reading Oswald Chambers last night right before I signed off the internet and it was about how the Christian walk is primarily one of serving out of duty, even if it's dull, boring, and you get nothing out of it. So it looks like I've been put in a place that is just those exact things to teach me something about duty and the real Christian walk.

I've been talking to different people about "Christianity" in America and what it's going to take to revamp it and make it back into what it's supposed to be. We are the Bride of Christ and right now, we're looking more like we just got finished with a dirtbike rally than like we're about to go to a wedding with the King of Kings. The Bride is in rough shape to say the least.

The key question is, "What separates US from every other religion and charity organization in the world?" That is a tough question because it only has one answer and most people won't even get close to answering it, choosing instead to stick to the safe and familiar Sunday School answers. Right now, the answer to that question is this: nothing. NOTHING! We are NO different from any other charity organization, whether religious or non-religious, that possesses a high-moral standard and an altruistic leaning. That's sad, folks. The Creator died for us and that's the best we can do? "The Purpose-Driven Life" and programs, programs, programs. I'm not knocking The PDL-I actually gained valuable information from that book at a critical juncture in my life-or church programs, only the idea that they are a cure-all for the problems that are plaguing the Church right now.

If we want to see change in this country and in this generation, we, as Christians, Blood-Bought, Spirit-Filled, "We-have-what-you've-been-looking-for!" Christians, then we will need ONE key ingredient: POWER. We need to be able to tap into the Power of God. Raising the dead ought to be a NORMAL part of life, not a sideshow circus act that we see once a decade (or longer than that, if at all). Healing the sick ought to be an EVERYDAY occurence! Miracles, signs, and wonders (the kind that are UNDENIABLE) ought to be the hallmark of our lives! But we have wimped out! We have given up our God-given right to use HIS power to heal our world because we're not willing to give up our measly little lives for His Greatness flowing through us and into those around us. We are CRIMINALLY selfish...and we are criminally powerless.

It takes fasting, and praying, and seeking, and asking, and more fasting, and more praying, and more seeking, and more asking, again and again and again until we GET IT! We ought not STOP until we can lay our hands on a body and command life to return to it! THIS is our spiritual heritage and we have dismissed it in fear and ignorance! We have traded the Truth for a lie straight from the Devil's mouth and because of our blind acceptance of the easiest path, the devil is having a ball with the world right now. Just look around! What IF we could pray for someone with no legs and see them grow a new pair! What IF we could lay our hands on those who are "developmentally disabled" and loose them from the hold of the enemy and bring them into a sound mind! What if we could go into a hospital with an ARMY of Christians and see EVERY person healed and sent home, with PROOF that they were all miraculously healed? What IF God wants to flex His muscles in the earth, and we're too chicken to let Him flex them through us? What will we tell Him when we stand before Him? That it was too hard? That we had better things to do? It won't suffice then and it can't afford to suffice now. We have to take up our arms in the spirit and fight for the Kingdom of Our God and His Christ. If we back down, we are worse than infidels and cowards to boot. God is WITH us! How could we possibly fail?

 

[therebelprophet]

busted and disgusted
such an ordinary life
what a tragic waste of genius
daily managing the strife
how to start a revolution
is never child's play for a king
but for us who are the Chosen
it is an ordinary thing

That's my random poem for the day. Hope you like...or not.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

 

[therebelprophet]

"Wow. You really do love her." That's what my friend Rachel said. It seemed...odd, to me, and I don't know why exactly. It was almost the same effect as if she had said, "You're dressed nicely, tonight." It's something that I knew, but it still surprised me. Wow. I really do love her.

And by "her" I mean Hannah, my Phantasm, my Chimera, my Mist-Shrouded Mistress. Oh how I love her! And yet, it does not burn me like it used to. It has abated, transformed, into something that I have no answer for. I love her. Wow. I really do love her.

It's got me thinking. Remembering. A January night. One of the coldest ones I can remember here in Louisiana. I was transfixed, struck blind by her agonizing beauty. I still can see her standing there, arms folded, wearing just a T-shirt and blue jeans, trying her best to ward off the cold. I didn't really need to ask her a question. I just wanted to see her one more time before we said goodbye for a day, two days. A short time, really. But it was like years for me. Every hour away from her was a lifetime in itself. I wanted to take her in, drink her like a fine wine. I wanted to devour her, to make her a part of me, to become one with her. My God, how I ever loved that girl! So this is my poetic rendering of that night. It took me four hours to write it because I kept running out of words to describe what I felt and how I felt and why I felt. I call it simply, Cold Silence

As we stand here in the cold,
our breath forming clouds with silver linings,
the light falls on you
and leaves me breathless.
Too stunned to speak
I marvel at the halo that transforms,
transcends.
All knowledge dissolves.
My mind is blank save
for the almost whispered sentence
which threatens to escape
my astonished lips:
“God, she’s beautiful!”
I wonder if you saw.
I wonder if you knew.
Did the portals to my soul
give you entry to my thoughts?
Could you hear the awestruck dumbness
screaming raptures in my mind
as I strove to find a name
for the radiance before me?
Do you know the night becomes you,
that it shrouds you like a veil
while the light from lonely streetlamps
curtains back the raven pall?
Do you see how you amaze me;
that I’m lost for words
as I marvel at the softly shining aura
that flows from your body
and washes over my numbed senses
bringing warmth to the coldest corners of my soul?
In the still and frigid air I stand stupefied
beholding the sublime vision that presents itself
to my humbled eyes.
Totally unaware
of the ecstasy that fills my being
you climb into your car
and drive away.​

Wow. I really do love her...and I miss her, too. ​

 

[therebelprophet]

Mistakes made in the innocence and ignorance of immaturity
Turn into dark specters of friendships once enjoyed,
Of loves turned toward indifference,
Of avoidance instead of confrontation,
Of the slow and silent death
To which almost all such awkward partings
Seem to conform to in fatalistic fashion.
Here’s to the loss of friends!
To the transition from friend to foe!
Here’s to those who were, but now are not!
Here’s to their reasons, however feeble!
Here’s to you, my once friends,
I miss you all.

 

[therebelprophet]

Like a merry-go-round, spinning and spinning until you're sick. It always seems to be spinning a lot faster than you feel like it is. Until. you. stop. Man that sounds like fun. Then why am I not smiling?

How do you open up when you're not sure you have doors anymore? How do you give 100% when even 1% is a stretch? How do you miss someone you haven't seen for over a year? How can you miss people who don't miss you? How do you serve God when you feel like you're such a failure as a Christian? Like a child caught up in the horror of his parents' divorce, it's all your fault. It can't be God. He's perfect. So it must be you. Wow.

(Sorry. I usually only write when I'm trying to sort out something and that usually has a negative tone to it. So here it sounds like I'm giving up, but I'm not. I ask questions as a way of getting some sort of answer from myself. The questions serve as a backdrop to my inner struggles.)

There is such a great heaviness in me. Like I'm being dragged down by something. Yeah, this is familiar. I've previously described it as being "like a corpse fettered to my ankles" and as a "cold, dead thing that haunts me at the corners of my eyes". Prophetically, person after person has told me that she thinks about me, that she's so full of guilt that she doesn't dare approach me. I see it just the other way around. I feel like I've failed her. If I had done what I was supposed to do when she came back, then she would be better, right? I mean, seriously, how can you expect to shine like the Light in someone's life when you partake in their sin just as much as they do, if not more! I failed. I FAILED! If she never turns around it will be because I messed up, because I didn't pray enough for her, because I didn't stay "in the secret place", because I wasn't a light in her life! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!!

How can you shine in someone's life if you smoke cigarettes and drink just like they do? How can you witness to them that they need to get their life right when you listen to hard rock and worldly music and curse like a naughty schoolboy? I screwed the whole thing! I...I... *tear runs down, looks away, clenches jaw*

Is there, is there balm in Gilead?
Tell me, tell me I implore!
Quoth the raven, Nevermore!

Is this all for nothing? Have I struggled in vain? Have I made a grand fool of myself? Have I yearned so painfully to see her whole and failed in the afterglow of my greatest success? *tears running freely, face twisted in pain and sorrow* All I wanted was to see her whole! Why, oh why, is my pain perpetual and my wound incurable, refusing to be healed!? Will the Lord of the Earth do what HE PROMISED ME!? Will the Judge of the whole Earth do what is just? Or will He deny me because I failed? Will He say, "Too bad, kid, the joke's on you. You just weren't good enough."?

I'm waiting for the hammer to fall. Waiting for the bad news to arrive. Waiting to be like Job. "What I have greatly feared has come upon me!" I'm waiting for her to die in sin, to be lost forever, to die prematurely. I'm waiting to be a widower before I was ever even married to her...how awful! Yet deep down, this is what I half expect. It would only be fitting that I lose in the end. Then what a story...it would fit the rest of my life perfectly. I'm never good enough. Even if I win, I still lose! Even when I do everything right, I still lose! No matter how hard I struggle, no matter how much I sacrifice, I always lose! I may survive, I may even get ahead a little bit in the process, but in the end...I lose. Every. time.

And people wonder why I fall into despair, why I can't seem to get things together! I'm scared! I'm petrified that I won't be good enough! Like that movie A Knight's Tale, I'm almost certain that at some point I will hear, "You have been weighed. You have been measured. And you have been found WANTING."

Every day seems like a day closer to death. I can't reach out to God. It's just too much for me to handle right now. I can't reach out to Him and be restored to where I was before and then go to this horrendously vanilla church that I've been put in. Another great idea of God's. Freakin ay, man.

I'm tired, I'm lonely, I'm scared, and I just wanna go Home. I'm not mad at God. I know that He has good things for me, but I'm sure I'll only mess them up. Even if I do, does He have me covered? Even if I screw up EVERYTHING, does His grace cover even that? Will I still win even if I'm a total failure? This is where I am right now. Behind the mask. Behind all the positive thinking and starry-eyed looking toward the future, this is where I am. I am a failure at everything that I have ever attempted that was of any significance. How? Just...how? Is it even possible for me to be a winner? I'm so used to failing...how? How, how, how, how, HOW?

 

[kisstheson]