My husband is verbally abusive to my 15 year old!

[drpepper101]

Mandy-chin up! Got some help coming your way-you don't have to take this-nor does your son. those are EXACTLY signals of an abuser-constant looking for things, yelling, waking up someone at night, seemingly charming to the outside world, insulting,....

"The abuser" profile is designed by the domestic violence lobby to be so generally broad it can apply to anyone with a built in redundency to make normal qualities like being charming or a decent person sure signs of an "abuser."

 

[tiredwalker]

Bliz- I'm with you for sure.

This is your baby. Don't let this man crush him, just being in high school is hard enough. Please remember, inaction is action. If you let it continue, yoy are giving it the okay. Your son does not have a protecter; he needs someone to fight for him. You need to put your foot down for your baby. Tell your husband that he is not allowed to make decisions/discipline your son. Period. If it continues you are gone. Period. It will be hard, but wouldn't you die for your son? Gather your support and prepare. He might retaliate and be even more abusive, but make it clear that this is his fault, not your son's.

Please don't make the decision to allow your son to be abused.

 

[ido]

I'm so worried about my son and I just wanted to know if you think I have grounds to leave. I am on the verge!

Thanks everyone

In an attempt to get this thread back on track, I would like to address this comment from the OP.

You are the only one that can decide if you are right in your heart with ending your marriage. While you might get some sage advice here, you should bear in mind that it is just our rather humble opinions of how we would handle the situation if we were in your shoes. The flaw here is that we only know what you have shared, so we cannot fully discern what is best for you to do.

I would highly encourage you to seek the counsel of a pastor or licsensed professional to sort out what you need to do. You might also try contacting your local women's shelter or domestic abuse hotline to see if they can assist you with finding the right resources.

You and your family will continue to be in my prayers. This can't be easy on any of you.

 

[RobinRedbreast]

Mod Hat On



Ok I have this cleaned up to a point where I think it can continue while some posts are reviewed.

Some posts were deleted only as part of a cleanup, if your post is missing, it may have only been removed because it contained references to other deleted posts and no longer made sense.

Please note that the purpose of this thread is the love and support of the OP We want to show her as much grace and love, while still providing her good solid advice, as possible. Remember sometimes it is best to avoid addressing other people's responses, in favor of keeping a thread on-track. Please consider your posts carefully, state your words with love and kindness and support for the OP no matter what your opinion.



Mod Hat Off

 

[Neenie1]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this.

It must be so tough for your son, (and indeed your other children who hear the arguments and comments from your husband).

It is so hard to say what you should do, but I would suggest that you get into some counselling ASAP.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

I can't suggest anything better than others have as I have no experience in the matter, but I wanted to throw something out there: does your husband have any issues with your ex or you having had a child with another man? And if so, is it that your oldest son reminds him of this fact so deeply down that maybe your husband doesn't even realize it?

 

[ShainaBrina]

Mandy, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I went through something similar with my 2nd husband and my son who was 18 at the time. I sought Christian Counselling and was told that God was allowing me to suffer through the abuse to break me and conform me to Christ. I was also told that God would take care of my son and that it was his own walk now.

That was really, really bad advice. The more someone submits to an abuser, the greater the abuse gets (increases)

They say that when someone harms or threatens to harm even your pet they are abusing you. Raging at your son is harming you as well as your son. Does your husband use words to hurt you too? The younger children are probably being harmed by witnessing their dad's treatment of their older brother. And chances are all 4 of you wind up walking on eggshells around dad.

For a biblical answer to your situation you should start by studying Exodus 21:8-11 where it talks about the obligation of the husband - food, clothing and marital rights. Part of marital rights are friendship, compassion and love. If he fails to provide these three things the wife has the right to a divorce. Refusing to give her the certificate of divorce was considered a crime worthy of corporal punishment... they basically beat him until he complied.

Also in Mal 2:16 where most translations say God hates divorce...is a mistranslation of the word put away. what the men of Israel were doing was 'putting away' their wives without giving them certificates of divorce - which meant they couldn't remarry and left them destitute. Taken in the context of the entire chapter what God really hates is ABUSE.

I pray God gives you comfort and wisdom on how to proceed from here.
Blessings
Shaina

 

[eatenbylocusts]

After we finished talking about that, I got what I went out there for, headed back to bed and then she wanted to talk. I stayed out there and we just had a conversation for about 2 hours. Back and forth. She wanted to talk about all sorts of things. School, work, God, life, future, we covered a lot of territory. I think I made some headway as far as her being receptive to counseling for depression. She told me that her depression was connected more to events prior to her mother and I meeting. She didn't share any details with me. I only know, as her mother had told me as well, it was sexual and at the hands of her previous stepfather.

God bless you for staying to talk. Who knows when she might've been open again. I hope she gets the counseling she needs.

 

[Amylisa]

Mandy,
All I can say is I know what it's like. I am in much the same place as you are right now.
I am about ready to say, 'enough.' I worry too because of all the rotten stuff my kids have had to endure while I stay in my marriage.

I will remember you and your family in my prayers. None of this is easy, I know.
God keep you, sister.

 

[Amylisa]

Mandy, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I went through something similar with my 2nd husband and my son who was 18 at the time. I sought Christian Counselling and was told that God was allowing me to suffer through the abuse to break me and conform me to Christ. I was also told that God would take care of my son and that it was his own walk now.

That was really, really bad advice. The more someone submits to an abuser, the greater the abuse gets (increases)

They say that when someone harms or threatens to harm even your pet they are abusing you. Raging at your son is harming you as well as your son. Does your husband use words to hurt you too? The younger children are probably being harmed by witnessing their dad's treatment of their older brother. And chances are all 4 of you wind up walking on eggshells around dad.

For a biblical answer to your situation you should start by studying Exodus 21:8-11 where it talks about the obligation of the husband - food, clothing and marital rights. Part of marital rights are friendship, compassion and love. If he fails to provide these three things the wife has the right to a divorce. Refusing to give her the certificate of divorce was considered a crime worthy of corporal punishment... they basically beat him until he complied.

Also in Mal 2:16 where most translations say God hates divorce...is a mistranslation of the word put away. what the men of Israel were doing was 'putting away' their wives without giving them certificates of divorce - which meant they couldn't remarry and left them destitute. Taken in the context of the entire chapter what God really hates is ABUSE.

I pray God gives you comfort and wisdom on how to proceed from here.
Blessings
Shaina

Thanks for this post.
I have wondered for a few years now if my marriage is my cross. But I don't know anymore. I don't think Jesus would make my kids have to bear that cross too. I have NO intention of ever being involved with another man if I do divorce. No thank you! My own parents were divorced, one remarried and it wasn't pretty.

I don't hate my husband but I do hate his behavior. He has no intentions of changing, so I think it's time to end things. I just don't know. I will hang in there til the holidays are over anyway.

Anyway...this isn't my thread! But thanks for that post.

 

[dayknee]

One person who I think is always spot on regarding stuff like this is Dr. Laura. Now I do NOT really care for her and most of the time she makes me angry, but I have to be honest in saying that there are many things that she holds tight to. And one is the abuse of kids. Regardless of who's doing it, our responsibility as a parent is to protect our children. And we should do so even if the father is the natural father. In this case he is not the natural father but it makes no difference.
Your son is being a typical teenage boy. He will continue to do things that get both of your hackles up. The thing is to do what God has you placed here for and that is to raise/dicipline/care for/ and LOVE your children.
I would totaly try to get your husband and son, along with you, into counseling to that things can be worked on and hopefully improved. But if that isnt possible I am a huge supporter of protecting my child.
I would NOT allow anyone to treat my children in any abusive manner. Never. Does not matter who it is. My children are my priority. I'll always side with them in situations that are irrational and abusive.
I really hope you guys are able to work things out. Please try counseling.
Praying for you.
I also want to say that continued abuse will cause your son to act out even more..and maybe even worse than what is normal. He might feel he cannot win so why try doing the right thing. Abuse of any kind, especially verbal abuse can damage his precious soul and heart and make him feel like he will NEVER be good enough. Then he'll spend a lot of his life in counseling trying to figure out why he is such a bad person, when we both know that is not true. These kinds of things can have very irrepairable damage. Protect you son. You sound like an amazing mother and I can see that you're troubled so much by this. It's a hard situation to be in. But sometimes we have to do what makes us uncomfortable for the sake of what is right.

 

[mandy111]

Shaina I too thank you for your post regarding the scripturs in the Bible. That is something I had never known before. I have struggled for so many years because I wanted to obey God and I knew "God hates Divorce" was what the Bible said (or so I interpreted and everybody told me so). So i stayed. But my son has paid the price dearly. I wish I would have joined this sight sooner so I could have been getting advice sooner but there's no time like the present. Thank you so much for taking a few moments of your time to write me and advice me without criticizing me.

I also want to say that continued abuse will cause your son to act out even more..and maybe even worse than what is normal. He might feel he cannot win so why try doing the right thing. Abuse of any kind, especially verbal abuse can damage his precious soul and heart and make him feel like he will NEVER be good enough. Then he'll spend a lot of his life in counseling trying to figure out why he is such a bad person, when we both know that is not true. These kinds of things can have very irrepairable damage. Protect you son. You sound like an amazing mother and I can see that you're troubled so much by this. It's a hard situation to be in. But sometimes we have to do what makes us uncomfortable for the sake of what is right.

... Dayknee...You said everything I've always thought. That his acting out is just starting and it could get even worse with greater consiquences. It's not that he's a bad kid, it's just that as you said, he cannot do anything right (in hubby's eyes) so why try to do right? I know leaving will be uncomfortable and difficult. It will be an uphill climb but I'm willing to do whatever it takes. Thanks for the advice...

 

[mandy111]

Imperial,
Hello...to answer your question, i do not think my husband has a problem with my ex. My ex has been out of the picture for about 8 years now. He hasn't contacted my son, he hasn't paid his court ordered child support in over 8 years, nothing.... I DO however, think my husband is jealous of my son in some way. I believe that he is resentful towards him because I tend to side with him (out of guilt and and wanting to protect him). thanks for asking...

 

[overit]

Mandy-thanks for updating us! I"m glad you will do whatever you need to...yes Scripture has been used so many times to keep women in abusive marriages!

There is also a couple very good sites for you to check out. I hope you have a moment to go over to the first one I sent you in the PM...you will have a wonderful support group there for you with tons of advice!
http://www.focusministries1.org/

http://www.ahealthyme.com/topic/verbalabuse

 

[mandy111]

Thank you Overit! Yes I have signed up with website from your PM and it's awesome. I believe it will help me and I'll feel right at home. I'm looking forward to checking out the other sights as well. Thank you. I'll hopefully be able to PM you real soon... Thanks again & Many Blessings

 

[hope4today]

Mandy, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I went through something similar with my 2nd husband and my son who was 18 at the time. I sought Christian Counselling and was told that God was allowing me to suffer through the abuse to break me and conform me to Christ. I was also told that God would take care of my son and that it was his own walk now.

That was really, really bad advice. The more someone submits to an abuser, the greater the abuse gets (increases)

They say that when someone harms or threatens to harm even your pet they are abusing you. Raging at your son is harming you as well as your son. Does your husband use words to hurt you too? The younger children are probably being harmed by witnessing their dad's treatment of their older brother. And chances are all 4 of you wind up walking on eggshells around dad.

For a biblical answer to your situation you should start by studying Exodus 21:8-11 where it talks about the obligation of the husband - food, clothing and marital rights. Part of marital rights are friendship, compassion and love. If he fails to provide these three things the wife has the right to a divorce. Refusing to give her the certificate of divorce was considered a crime worthy of corporal punishment... they basically beat him until he complied.

Also in Mal 2:16 where most translations say God hates divorce...is a mistranslation of the word put away. what the men of Israel were doing was 'putting away' their wives without giving them certificates of divorce - which meant they couldn't remarry and left them destitute. Taken in the context of the entire chapter what God really hates is ABUSE.

I pray God gives you comfort and wisdom on how to proceed from here.
Blessings
Shaina

Yes Shaina, too many women have stayed in abusive marriages based on advise that stems from a false theology and I'm sorry to hear that you too suffered in that way. False theology usually comes from taking verses out of context and applying meaning to them that was never originally intended.

Mandy do get some advise on the patterns on abuse as, like Shaina said, there are many behaviours (abuse of pets being one of them) that indicate the dynamics of a relationship and also can be indicators of escalating abuse. It is best to know them so they can be dealt with before it gets worse. There may well be other things happening that you haven't even identified yet as red flags.

I pray you will find the right people to help you.

Blessings

Hope