My husband is verbally abusive to my 15 year old!

[mandy111]

Hi everyone....I need some Godly advice and I'm hoping someone can help me. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and we have two kids together ages 8 and 9, and my son from a previous relationship Colby who is 15. The problem I'm having is the way my husband treats Colby. He is verbally abusive, he ridicules him, puts him down, calls him names like lazy, jerk, selfish, etc. Colby can not do anything right in his eyes. It's as if my husband "looks" for things that colby does wrong so he can scold him and lecture him. His "lectures" can last anywhere between 1 - 3 hours (no exaggeration)! He's woken him up from sleep at night (on a school night) to scream at him about something he had done. Colby is a very sweet, kind hearted kid. He is no different than any other typical teenager. I honestly don't know why there is such an obvious disconnect between them but it has always been there. I think much of it stems from my wanting to protect Colby from my husband's wrath that i'm always defending my son. I know you are suppose to stand by your husband and correct your children together but I can't stand my someone who is blantently crushing my sons spirit.

Because of his verbal and psychological abuse over the years, my son's personality has dramatically been altered... his spirit is broken. It pains me so much to admit this because I carry the burden of knowing that it's my fault because I left him in the situation all these years. I probably should have left a long time ago but I was afraid emotionally and financially. I also have two other children to think about. BTW, he treats the other two (his biological children) completely different. They can do no wrong in his eyes. It's kind of like the Cinderella story...

Colby told me the other day that he's thought about running away from home well over 20 times over the years but the only reason he didn't was because he didn't want me to wake up in the morning and find him gone. He stayed because of me, but I am fearful that the older he gets, he may actually do it. My husband is a discourager, not an encourager. They have nothing in common and my husband basically says "oh well, i have nothing in common with that kid so I'm not even gonna try to reach out to him"... and he doesn't... Colby feels like an outsider in his own house. He walks around on eggs shells never knowing when the next "lecture" is coming. My husband is kind of , well no he IS like a big bully.

The strange thing is, everyone on the outside thinks my husband is wonderful! They have no idea the horrible temper that he has and what is really going on behind closed doors. His family basically turns the other cheek when I try to tell them what he does. It's so bad, my brother wants Colby to come live with him!

I'm so worried about my son and I just wanted to know if you think I have grounds to leave. I am on the verge!

Thanks everyone

 

[captiveheart]

My stepdaughter is 18 and at this point it doesn't appear she is headed for much of a life. I have tried to get my wife to take action but nothing changes.

This kid has NO responsibilities. No job, no school (though she says she is still taking 4 units, down from the original 15 she enrolled in) and no chores. If I ask if she went looking for a job, I'm on her case. If I ask her to clean up a mess she made, I'm on her case. If I ask her about what she is learning in school, I'm on her case. If I'm grossed out by menstrual blood on the toilet seat and dare say something, I'm on her case. If I tell her to turn down the TV, I'm on her case. If I ask her what she accomplished today, I'm on her case. If I tell her, do not eat from this container in the fridge and she does anyway and I dare say something, I'm on her case. If she burns the arm of a sofa with a hot bowl of food and I tell her not to eat on the sofa anymore, I'm on her case. And if I catch her eating on that same sofa on a subsequent day, I'm on her case. I've got lots more and some are utterly disgusting. I have a lazy story that will shock you beyond belief.

In the last month and a half her mother has had 2 cancer surgeries and this child has never volunteered to do anything for her mother. I am not kidding one bit! I was throwing up sick yesterday and guess who did laundry and cleaned. Not the kid! Yet her mother is convinced that the kid loves her. The kid says it frequently but I tell you, if I treated my wife the way this kid treats her mother, I would have been history a long time ago.

Sorry that all just flowed out. Venting I guess. I would not defend name calling. My wife asked me years ago to stop calling her lazy, sloppy and etc. I agree that calling her names accomplished nothing. But my wife's course of action has done nothing better. My wife through her efforts to appease her daughter has actually enabled her to continue her ways with no end in sight.

I brought up the subject of her daughter a couple of weeks ago, not to complain about anything, but out of concern for her future. She is really doing nothing with her life and she doesn't seem concerned. We talked about her eating and gaining weight since graduating from high school in June. We talked about her dropping most if not all of her classes. My wife wasn't really concerned with my fear that she had dropped completely out of school and is lying about attending. We agreed that the kid was depressed and she told me that her daughter had told her that she was depressed and suicidal because I was always on her case.

I asked my wife if she thought she had a plan. She said no. I told her she should get counseling. My wife said that she doesn't want it.

So I ask you, should I be able to use the toilet without worrying about menstrual blood contamination? Should I be confident that food containers have been handled in a relatively sanitary fashion( tonite she opened a barbecue sauce bottle with one of those safety seals under the lid. First she tried using her hands to pull the seal off, and I guarantee the hands had not been washed all day, when that didn't work she used her teeth. I couldn't help myself I said "not your teeth!" Then she got a knife.)? Should I expect an 18 year old to clean their own messes? Should I expect an 18 year old to be truthful? Should I expect an 18 year old at least offer to help her sick mother? Should I be able to establish a simple and reasonable rule and have it followed? Should I come home from work every day and find this girl sitting, eating, watching TV having done absolutely nothing for anyone?

My stepdaughter does what she does because she knows exactly what she can get away with. She knows that her mother will protect her from the evil stepfather who only wants to make her a responsible person and keep her from doing what she loves, which is......?

BTW, when my stepdaughter does something good, man am I there with the kudos! I have been a bank manager for many years. I'm usually right about people's character. This kid needs some serious work and is not even close to being ready for real life. I'm beginning to fear that she will still be living at home and I'll still be going through this 5 or maybe even 10 years from now! What will change it?

 

[captiveheart]

My suggestion for you is to steer away from characterizing your husband as abusive and try and understand what is at the core of his behavior. While characterizing your husbands behavior as abusive, you have characterized your son's as typical. Does typical mean your husband has to back down completely? Does abusive mean you have to break up your family? Is your husband completely wrong or your son eligible for a free pass? The solution likely lies somewhere between the two.

My son caught plenty of grief from me when he was a teen as did my daughter. I do not apologize for setting rules and holding them accountable. If they broke rules there were consequences and they knew ahead of time exactly what those consequences were. So when they were thinking about disobeying they were making a choice. If they chose the consequences they were delivered just like any other promise. If I promised unpleasant consequences for disobedience that's what they got, if I promised reward for good behavior that's what they got. I believed that if I broke a promise I was no more than a liar and I vowed never to lie to my children.

Talk to your husband. It sounds like the two of you can agree that the current methods are not working. Let him know that you are concerned about Colby's spirit being broken. Colby is under construction at this age and demolition activities will likely prolong the building process. If it is possible, try and find out just what "rules" or "behaviors" your husband is looking for from Colby. Figure out what the most important ones are and maybe agree to focus only on those until those get better. Then begin to bring in the other issues. It could very well turn out that it is all about respect.

Your husband may not feel respected by Colby and that could be at the heart of it all. You may have to have a conversation with Colby that lets him know that you support what your husband's goals are but not necessarily his methods. Colby will need to know that any sign of disrespect or lack of regard for your husbands instructions will make things worse. Colby sounds like a great kid and he is old enough to understand that if your husband hurts his feelings or cracks his spirit, he still has the strength of your love and he can always talk to you.

 

[mandy111]

Captive,
Thank you for insight from your point of view (& most likely my husbands). Colby doesn't really do the type of things you mentioned about your step-daughter (he's still in high school). What ticks my hubby off is things like grades, not doing a chore once in a while, asking to ride his dirt bike when he knows he's punished..... benign teenage things. The punishment definately doesn't fit the crime. The other day when we got his report card, his grades weren't quite as good as we had hoped and my husband (Dan) started in on him. During this hour plus lecture session, he said a couple things that I could not believe. He asked Colby, "Do you know the definition of insanity? It's when you do something over and over and expect to get a different result" (referring to us having the same conversation over and over about his grades). He repeated the word insanity about 3 times (i guess 1 wasn't enough and wanted to make sure it sank in). Anyway I felt like he was calling Colby insane...wouldn't you? He of course did not agree with me and said that's not what he meant but you be the judge. THEN, he told him "If you were my employee, I would fire you! Because you keep making the same mistakes over and over. But I can't fire you because you're my son and you live here so I have no choice but to keep working with you". Now tell me, would you ever tell a child that? Those negative words with stay with him for the rest of his life. This is the kind of verbal abuse I'm talking about...

 

[mandy111]

Captive,
Thank you for insight from your point of view (& most likely my husbands). Colby doesn't really do the type of things you mentioned about your step-daughter (he's still in high school). What ticks my hubby off is things like grades, not doing a chore once in a while, asking to ride his dirt bike when he knows he's punished..... benign teenage things. The punishment definately doesn't fit the crime. The other day when we got his report card, his grades weren't quite as good as we had hoped and my husband (Dan) started in on him. During this hour plus lecture session, he said a couple things that I could not believe. He asked Colby, "Do you know the definition of insanity? It's when you do something over and over and expect to get a different result" (referring to us having the same conversation over and over about his grades). He repeated the word insanity about 3 times (i guess 1 wasn't enough and wanted to make sure it sank in). Anyway I felt like he was calling Colby insane...wouldn't you? He of course did not agree with me and said that's not what he meant but you be the judge. THEN, he told him "If you were my employee, I would fire you! Because you keep making the same mistakes over and over. But I can't fire you because you're my son and you live here so I have no choice but to keep working with you". Now tell me, would you ever tell a child that? Those negative words with stay with him for the rest of his life. This is the kind of verbal abuse I'm talking about...

 

[drpepper101]

I have limited knowledge of the events, however, it doesn't sound like your husband's behavior is wildly out of line. Giving someone a lecture for getting bad grades is not abusive. Telling someone that you find the patern of constantly have to lecture them about the same thing over and over again insane is not out of line. You have to look at your son's behavior from your husband's point of view, and that is not one colored by a parent's love for a child. That can lead to a step parent being, or seeming, too hard on a kid. In my opinion step parents should not be involved in correcting children outside of supporting the parent's correction. IE, mom says jimmy is grounded and stepdad doesn't let him have the keys to the car in support of that punishment. It might be too little too late at this point, but you need to take your husband aside and explain that Colby is your son and you need to handle how and when he is corrected. I'm curious, where is his real father in all of this?

 

[drpepper101]

My stepdaughter does what she does because she knows exactly what she can get away with. She knows that her mother will protect her from the evil stepfather who only wants to make her a responsible person and keep her from doing what she loves, which is......?

BTW, when my stepdaughter does something good, man am I there with the kudos! I have been a bank manager for many years. I'm usually right about people's character. This kid needs some serious work and is not even close to being ready for real life. I'm beginning to fear that she will still be living at home and I'll still be going through this 5 or maybe even 10 years from now! What will change it?

Not you and probably not nagging either. Some kids finish high school and hit the ground running, others don't. My older daughter went right into college and work after high school, my younger daughter took a while to figure out what she was going to with her life and a bit of a break as well after high school. Both are doing well, but I would have to say my younger daughter is much more satisified with her career choices whereas my older is considering going back for additional education so she can make a career switch. Not everyone progresses at the same pace, I don't think being 18 with a lack of direction is anything to be especially worried about.

 

[overit]

This guys behavior is COMPLETELY out of line and abusive-yes. Is it too late Mandy? Only you can decide-I would pack my bags and my kids and be out so fast his head would spin. How are you allowing this still? No man, married or not would be allowed to mistreat my child that way!! Mandy-send me a PM hon-I've got some resources for you

Mandy-I think you're in the wrong forum for the help you will need.

 

[drpepper101]

This guys behavior is COMPLETELY out of line and abusive-yes. Is it too late Mandy? Only you can decide-I would pack my bags and my kids and be out so fast his head would spin. How are you allowing this still? No man, married or not would be allowed to mistreat my child that way!! Mandy-send me a PM hon-I've got some resources for you

Hitting someone is abusive, talking with someone for a few hours about something that is life changing (the grades one gets in high school) is not.

 

[overit]

Her husband is verbally abusing her child-abuse is not just physical!!! Harping on someone nonstop and criticizing their every move is abusive-yelling at them, letting your wrath descend on them, crushing their spirirt to the point the child wants to run away 20 times is abusive.

Mandy-chin up! Got some help coming your way-you don't have to take this-nor does your son. those are EXACTLY signals of an abuser-constant looking for things, yelling, waking up someone at night, seemingly charming to the outside world, insulting,....

"He is verbally abusive, he ridicules him, puts him down, calls him names like lazy, jerk, selfish, etc. Colby can not do anything right in his eyes. It's as if my husband "looks" for things that colby does wrong so he can scold him and lecture him. His "lectures" can last anywhere between 1 - 3 hours (no exaggeration)! He's woken him up from sleep at night (on a school night) to scream at him about something he had done. Colby is a very sweet, kind hearted kid. He is no different than any other typical teenager. I honestly don't know why there is such an obvious disconnect between them but it has always been there. I think much of it stems from my wanting to protect Colby from my husband's wrath that i'm always defending my son. I know you are suppose to stand by your husband and correct your children together but I can't stand my someone who is blantently crushing my sons spirit.

Because of his verbal and psychological abuse over the years, my son's personality has dramatically been altered... his spirit is broken.

Colby told me the other day that he's thought about running away from home well over 20 times over the years
My husband is a discourager, not an encourager.
They have nothing in common and my husband basically says "oh well, i have nothing in common
Colby feels like an outsider in his own house. He walks around on eggs shells never knowing when the next "lecture" is coming. My husband is kind of , well no he IS like a big bully.

The strange thing is, everyone on the outside thinks my husband is wonderful! They have no idea the horrible temper that he has and what is really going on behind closed doors. His family basically turns the other cheek when I try to tell them what he does. It's so bad, my brother wants Colby to come live with him!

 

[tryingtobeagain]

I seem to have a different pov with this kind of stuff. I think that parents should treat all children equally no matter if they are biological or not. My sister has an adopted son and she treats him the same as the other children. She loves them all the same...

On the other hand, I think that parents need to come together when dealing with children period. You and your husband should go to the bedroom or some private place and talk about how you're going to talk to Colby about his report card before doing it. That way you are both on the same page. This means that you go talk to him as a united parental unit. When kids see that you disagree it gives them the ammunition to get out of doing stuff by siding with the parent who gives them what they want (believe me, I've seen kids run to the step parent because they knew the step parent was softer and would give in easier). It also gives you a chance to go over with your husband what you feel is acceptable to say and what is not, and kind of sets some ground rules. Colby needs positive reinforcement too... not just lectures when he does something wrong.

If your husband is not willing to change his behaviour and treat all the kids the same then you have the obligation to protect your kids.

Another thing that might help is some family counselling... it depends how you want to deal with this... if you are tired of your husband's behavior and he's not willing to work on it then you'll have to resort to dealing with it how you see fit.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I can't believe that tryingtobeagain is the first person to suggest counseling. How in the world can you think of leaving your husband before you try counseling? You have two kids to think of and I would venture that leaving would even be hard on Colby. You need to find some sound Biblical counseling to help with the parenting issues asap. A child's spirit should not be crushed. The father figure often has a lot to do with the child's spiritual walk and this kind of situation can be damaging.

I hope your family is involved in a church, but if you can't find the right counseling at your own church, YOU MUST FIND IT SOMEWHERE!
BTW guys-Waking up a child to lecture them on a school night with no regard to much needed sleep is a danger sign. Abusers do that. If it was a one time thing, it is still troubling that he can't control his anger long enough to wait for morning, and it's troubling that he's not considering the needs of a teen. Sleep is not an option.

Captiveheart-When I was a teen I was self-centered at times and couldn't see dirt in front of me. It wasn't that I was entirely lazy, but I really just didn't see it. This memory has helped me with my kids. I make them go back and clean, but I don't get bent out of shape. I'm hoping that by calling them back however many times it takes they will have their eyes opened sooner. I did finally become able to "see" dirt btw. I also remember not wanting to go with my mom to visit her sister in a nursing home because I wanted to see my bf. I was selfish and self-centered. I grew out of most of that too. I got yelled at a lot and that is a damaging way to impart information. Your step daughter sounds like she does need some help with direction and possibly counseling. Depression shouldn't be ignored and there are times when parents need to push or just say you're going. She may be an adult, but she should be required to do certain things in exchange for food and a place to stay. Sitting around the house all day with no responsibilities or purpose isn't good for anyone.

 

[captiveheart]

I can't believe that tryingtobeagain is the first person to suggest counseling. How in the world can you think of leaving your husband before you try counseling? You have two kids to think of and I would venture that leaving would even be hard on Colby. You need to find some sound Biblical counseling to help with the parenting issues asap. A child's spirit should not be crushed. The father figure often has a lot to do with the child's spiritual walk and this kind of situation can be damaging.

I hope your family is involved in a church, but if you can't find the right counseling at your own church, YOU MUST FIND IT SOMEWHERE!
BTW guys-Waking up a child to lecture them on a school night with no regard to much needed sleep is a danger sign. Abusers do that. If it was a one time thing, it is still troubling that he can't control his anger long enough to wait for morning, and it's troubling that he's not considering the needs of a teen. Sleep is not an option.

Captiveheart-When I was a teen I was self-centered at times and couldn't see dirt in front of me. It wasn't that I was entirely lazy, but I really just didn't see it. This memory has helped me with my kids. I make them go back and clean, but I don't get bent out of shape. I'm hoping that by calling them back however many times it takes they will have their eyes opened sooner. I did finally become able to "see" dirt btw. I also remember not wanting to go with my mom to visit her sister in a nursing home because I wanted to see my bf. I was selfish and self-centered. I grew out of most of that too. I got yelled at a lot and that is a damaging way to impart information. Your step daughter sounds like she does need some help with direction and possibly counseling. Depression shouldn't be ignored and there are times when parents need to push or just say you're going. She may be an adult, but she should be required to do certain things in exchange for food and a place to stay. Sitting around the house all day with no responsibilities or purpose isn't good for anyone.

Hmm, when I "get on her case" I don't yell, call her names (I did years ago) or even lecture her. I too worry about the depression and I have pressed my wife as much as I believe I can to get her into counseling. Monday night I got up about midnight, went into the family room and caught her breaking a rule. I didn't yell. I simply said, what do we need to do to get you to comply? She said she didn't know. I think that was an honest answer and I asked her if it happened again, what the consequence should be. She suggested no TV for a week. I thought wasn't much of a deterrent. We negotiated back and forth and she agreed that if it happened again, she would lose her cellphone for a month.

After we finished talking about that, I got what I went out there for, headed back to bed and then she wanted to talk. I stayed out there and we just had a conversation for about 2 hours. Back and forth. She wanted to talk about all sorts of things. School, work, God, life, future, we covered a lot of territory. I think I made some headway as far as her being receptive to counseling for depression. She told me that her depression was connected more to events prior to her mother and I meeting. She didn't share any details with me. I only know, as her mother had told me as well, it was sexual and at the hands of her previous stepfather.

 

[overit]

The thing is when kids act out it normally has to do w/some trauma, sometimes not but mostly..and here you were years ago yellign and calling her names (now it's just getting on her case all the time) as she struggles w/depression and possible sex abuse in her past. And your nuggest of wisdom are so much better then mine.

You talked about her w/contempt-that was very obvious. Yes, lectures if given in the middle of the night or don't fit the crime or go on for hours are abusive...you don't know that because either you find these measures acceptable or don't have any idea what abuse is.
Again, seems to me you continue to ignore the rest of the things I bolded about her post, why?

I only share a lot of these resources through PM, and only if they advise me they want them. I don't force help down anyones throat and I have helped numerous women through the years deal w/these issues. And yes, it gets my goat when I hear people say things about abuse when they know nothing about it.

 

[hope4today]

He is verbally abusive, he ridicules him, puts him down, calls him names like lazy, jerk, selfish, etc.

His "lectures" can last anywhere between 1 - 3 hours (no exaggeration)! He's woken him up from sleep at night (on a school night) to scream at him about something he had done.

he treats the other two (his biological children) completely different.

Hi Mandy,

As you can appreciate, we are only hearing one part of the story here. Your husband would have a different perspective and even your son may too. But based on what you have said, the things above are the things that I see as of real concern. I have picked them out because they are identifiable actions rather than speculative reasons emotions etc.

These actions, as you have stated them, are huge red flags and are abusive acts that need to be remedied and most certainly warrant seeking help to work through it. How you go about that will depend on your relationship with your husband and his willingness to work through this as well.

I cannot recommend enough that you seek some professional objective counsel that can help you work through this situation so that ALL your children have their needs met as best as possible and endeavour to bring family unity - the marriage included as it would seem there are marriage issues as well. If you don't know of a place, call a family counselling centre and ask if either they can help you or point you in the direction of someone who can. If finances are an issues let them know this as there should be some places around that will help you for no or low cost.

Through some objective help and insight into ALL the factors involved you will be able to better determine what may be done to bring health to every one involved.

In all that you do, continue to seek Jesus and his counsel and wisdom.

Bless you

 

[mandy111]

Overit and others,
Thank you so very much for walking with me through this and your helpful advice. For the men, especially DrP, I resent the comment about my not being a good mother because I've kept my son in this situation for so long. You do not know me or my situation and therefore, you have no valid grounds for juding me. I am a wonderful mom and the ONLY reason I haven't left is because I am a born again Christian and I've sought counseling through the church and everyone of my christian friends and piers have said I need to stay and try and work it out.... I am torn between protecting my son (leaving) and obeying God. Unless you've been in my shoes, please do not judge me as I am in great turmoil over this. Another reason is finances. I could not afford an apartment and all of my bills, expenses, on my salary. I realize he will need to help with child support but even that takes a while (not sure how long). I live about an hour away from my family so it's not like I can move in with them for a while until I get on my feet.

For those of you who also believe this is a sign of verbal abuse, I'm just glad to have this validated. These "lectures" i'm referring to aren't loving, mentoring types of lectures. They are yelling, hurting, discouraging words and comments. Very one-sided i might add... son can't get a word in..

Overit... please PM me.. I'm not quite sure if I know how to do that. Thank you !

 

[ido]

Hi Mandy,

As you can appreciate, we are only hearing one part of the story here. Your husband would have a different perspective and even your son may too. But based on what you have said, the things above are the things that I see as of real concern. I have picked them out because they are identifiable actions rather than speculative reasons emotions etc.

These actions, as you have stated them, are huge red flags and are abusive acts that need to be remedied and most certainly warrant seeking help to work through it. How you go about that will depend on your relationship with your husband and his willingness to work through this as well.

I cannot recommend enough that you seek some professional objective counsel that can help you work through this situation so that ALL your children have their needs met as best as possible and endeavour to bring family unity - the marriage included as it would seem there are marriage issues as well. If you don't know of a place, call a family counselling centre and ask if either they can help you or point you in the direction of someone who can. If finances are an issues let them know this as there should be some places around that will help you for no or low cost.

Through some objective help and insight into ALL the factors involved you will be able to better determine what may be done to bring health to every one involved.

In all that you do, continue to seek Jesus and his counsel and wisdom.

Bless you

Mandy - I very much agree with hope's post. I appreciate your conern for all of your children, but it seems that your oldest son is the one in harm's way right now. I am not you, so I will not speculate on how I would handle the situation - but I will ask you a few questions:

Is there a family member that your son can live with until you can get this sorted out? He has already sustained years of this treatment, so the sooner you can remove him from it the better, IMO.

Is your husband willing to seek counseling to with you to get the two of you on common ground where your son is concerned? You mentioned that you feel the need to protect your son and it seems that your ex is trying to compensate for what he perceives as your flawed parenting tactics. If this issue cannot be addressed and resolved, then you'll be stuck in a viscious cycle permanently.

Can you get your son some counseling to help build back up his broken self-esteem? This really should be your first priority. It sounds like there are a lot of years during his formative years where he has been subjected to this damaging treatment. There is no time like the present to start working on reversing all of that.

I will be praying for your family.

 

[overit]

Mandy-I'll send you a PM w/some resources for you. Chin up!! There is light at the end of the tunnel, even if it seems so bleak.

Above your name, it should say private message-that will be blinking when you receive on. I'll get one out later this evening or tomorrow morning.

 

[bliz]

Lecturing a child for an hour is not about what is best for the child. It is about the parent venting and coping with their anger. And it s terrible wast of 55 minutes of life.

Rescue your son. Why you have not done so already is beyond me. Get him out of the house with your husband. It sounds like a classic case of your husband being jealous of your son because he was in your life first. It may already be too late for yur son, but his life, his soul, are worth a good try. Get him out.

 

[overit]

I agree that the important thing now is to not let your son to be around this anymore. I'm getting those links for you. I think you say you struggle w/the obedience to God about staying-but you must think of your son first here, he's in danger of long lasting damage-and we have an obligation before God to guide, nurture, love and protect our children-even if from our own spouses. It's very important....think of a mamy bear keeping her young ones away from the own cubs dads many times. The most important thing now is your sons emotional well-being and protection of his sould and person.