My husband is divorced

[Spiderlashes]

I met a man who was separated from his wife. She left him over a year before he and I met, and according to him, their marriage had been "over" for a long time prior to her actual leaving. By the time I met him, his wife had purchased another home, and was living in it with her new boyfriend. Divorce was on the agenda, but had not officially been started.

He and I dated. Eventually, his divorce was final. We got married.

While we were dating, my (now) husband did some very hurtful things to me. He claims he did NOT do these things intentionally, but I am nonetheless VERY angry with him for these things, and my anger is causing serious problems in our marriage now. He apologizes a lot when I get angry, but he can't really explain why he chose to handle the situations as he did.

Some examples of the things/situations:

>>he did not tell any of his friends/family that he was dating me for a LONG time into the relationship

>>he didn't introduce me to his friends/family until after we got married (with the exception of his sister, and that was because I asked to meet her repeatedly)

>>when his mother died (while we were dating), he told me that he would prefer I not attend her funeral

>>he invited his exwife to her funeral

>>when he announced we were getting married, his siblings expressed disapproval, and he did not object to these expressions

We are married now and he is a good husband. But I am still very angry, hurt and humiliated by the way he treated me while we were dating. I try to forgive and forget. But I'm finding it very difficult to do. I question him about his reasons for this earlier bad treatment, and he sheepishly says his unresolved marital status, and his overall introverted nature made things awkward and he was unsure about how to introduce me to the family, etc.

Now, I am a part of his family and I participate in family activities. We have a little baby, and the family seems to have accepted me/her. (I got pregnant shortly before we got married.) But part of me can't help think that his family believes he married me only because I was pregnant and that he had no regard for me and never would have married me otherwise.

I know we handled all of this (dating before divorce, sex before marriage) VERY badly. And I have prayed and have asked God to forgive us.

And likewise, I know I should forgive my husbnd for his mistakes. Any advice on how to make the process easier? Please?

 

[Avaya]

I know how hard it is to 'forget' the mean things people say to you. But you married him AFTER he did those things. I don't know if I think you have 'a right' to still bring those things up. Honestly, if they were so hurtful, you shouldn't have married him until the feelings were resolved. But since you did marry him, I'm just not comfortable accepting that you are still holding it against him. Does he know how you feel about those things? I suggest you stay in prayer about it and if the Lord leads you to reveal your feelings to your husband, I pray that He will also give you the grace to do it in an unhurtful way so that it doesn't damage your relationship with your husband.

 

[Gwenyfur]

These things all happened before you got married....

I can't help but ask you, if you were so hurt by it, and so humiliated...why bother getting married?

His behaviors are typical of an unresolved marriage...he wasn't divorced...he knew what he was doing was wrong. And yet you both continued.

God can and will forgive the sin, but He rarely removes the consequences of the sin. Now you're in a marriage, you say he's a good husband, you have a daughter together...

I may be way off base here, but....

could the lingering feelings of doubt and insecurity be within your own doubts of would you have married *him* if you hadn't been pregnant?

Don't get me wrong...that's a 2 way street on the guilt and doubt...but I suggest you spend some time in prayer, believe in God's forgiveness for you, accept it, and by doing so it will become easier to forgive him for his confused behavior.

God Bless

 

[Spiderlashes]

Thanks so much.

Why bother geting married? I really love/d him. And I believe/d the feeling was mutual. The pregnancy made us push up the date, but I would have married him anyway.

Do you know why this helped me? Because you told me that *WE* did something wrong and *WE* are perhaps paying the consequences. Before I felt as though he had mistreated me. Now I understand that we both had mistreated God's word, if you will. And I don't feel like such a victim of my husband...I feel like a sinner who will continue to repent...and will receive forgiveness.

Thank you both!

 

[mostie]

Sometimes, men (and women) can be thoughtless with their actions and the things they say--without really intending to. I know my SO does that- he has a habit of when we're going somewhere, and we're both walking away from the car, he's like 20 feet ahead of me and trucking on into wherever it is we happen to be going- drives me absolutely nuts, and a couple of times, I stopped stalk cold and waited til he noticed I wasn't anywhere near him- he apologizes, then he's ok for a while, then up and does it again---we're just wired different, and I know it's hard sometimes when our SO does something that hurts us- but we need to choose our battles- and although your husband hurt you with his actions, you accepted them at the time- and you need to work through them and forgive him for it--or you will end up letting it drive a wedge between you- and that's never good. I think sometimes that in a situation such as the one you presented, the one thing that is really wounded, is our pride- and we can't let pride get in the way- otherwise, like I said it just causes conflict in the relationship- and by the time that's gone on a while, the problem between you will be a lot bigger than it started out, and some real damage could be done--you say he's a good husband- maybe at the time, he was just trying to defuse what he saw as a volatile situation with his relatives, you know? That's what it sounds like-

 

[Leanna]

Who care what they think? Work on your marriage and make it successful! After 25 years, if you guys love each other, they will see by example. If not, oh well!!

 

[heartnsoul]

I met a man who was separated from his wife. She left him over a year before he and I met, and according to him, their marriage had been "over" for a long time prior to her actual leaving. By the time I met him, his wife had purchased another home, and was living in it with her new boyfriend. Divorce was on the agenda, but had not officially been started.

He and I dated. Eventually, his divorce was final. We got married.

While we were dating, my (now) husband did some very hurtful things to me. He claims he did NOT do these things intentionally, but I am nonetheless VERY angry with him for these things, and my anger is causing serious problems in our marriage now. He apologizes a lot when I get angry, but he can't really explain why he chose to handle the situations as he did.

Some examples of the things/situations:

>>he did not tell any of his friends/family that he was dating me for a LONG time into the relationship

>>he didn't introduce me to his friends/family until after we got married (with the exception of his sister, and that was because I asked to meet her repeatedly)

>>when his mother died (while we were dating), he told me that he would prefer I not attend her funeral

>>he invited his exwife to her funeral

>>when he announced we were getting married, his siblings expressed disapproval, and he did not object to these expressions

We are married now and he is a good husband. But I am still very angry, hurt and humiliated by the way he treated me while we were dating. I try to forgive and forget. But I'm finding it very difficult to do. I question him about his reasons for this earlier bad treatment, and he sheepishly says his unresolved marital status, and his overall introverted nature made things awkward and he was unsure about how to introduce me to the family, etc.

Now, I am a part of his family and I participate in family activities. We have a little baby, and the family seems to have accepted me/her. (I got pregnant shortly before we got married.) But part of me can't help think that his family believes he married me only because I was pregnant and that he had no regard for me and never would have married me otherwise.

I know we handled all of this (dating before divorce, sex before marriage) VERY badly. And I have prayed and have asked God to forgive us.

And likewise, I know I should forgive my husbnd for his mistakes. Any advice on how to make the process easier? Please?

My advice to you is to focus on the "good" things in your life. Count your blessings. It sounds like you have already repented in your heart of the past, God has forgiven you already, so move on with your life. All of us have made mistakes in the past and would probably change them if we could do it all over again, but reality is...you can't change the past. You can only work on making today and tomorrow BETTER than yesterday. So don't let yesterday's sorrows rob you of today's joy. If we all sat around and thought about all the negative people and events from the past, we would all be unhappy and miserable. Life is too short to live like that. God wants us to be happy and spread His love unto others. So, think about the goodness of your life and ignore the negative people or family members that are unsupportive of your marriage. Surround yourself with family and people who are supportive and loving. By being around happy people, you will be able to let go of the past much quicker. I pray that you turn over all your past history to God and focus on making each day a good one. God bless you.