My husband cheated

[MBA6411]

There is no way to post every detail in this forum but I found out Feb 16 that my husband had been having an affair since October.

My husband is in graduate school and has to travel frequently to Boston for class. He met a girl that had very similar interests in the buisiness world and a friendship very quickly turned to a relationship (emotional and physical). He went to Boston several times from October through February and the entire time I constantly confronted my husband about how distant he was and I became more and more suspicious. Two days after his last trip (Feb 16) I looked through his emails and my entire world flipped upside down. I called him at work and immediately told him I wanted a divorce (which I never meant and by the time he was home I knew I wanted to work through this). I fully believe God has held me through this entire experience because there are many times where I look back and don't even know how I put one foot in front of the other. I was mildy relieved at first when I found out (I know, it sounds crazy) because I was losing my mind and thinking I was making a situation that didn't exist. Now I at least know the situation and we could move forward.

What I didn't know was my husband had developed real feelings for this girl and was in love with her. Him
and I had grown apart in some ways and he was in over his head and had lost control. We have an almost 2 year old son and he was taking most of my time and I didn't realize it or feel as lonely as my husband did. (I'm not defending his actions or blaming myself but I also know the affair stemmed from a deeper problem). My husband had already decided he was going to tell me and him and his mistress were going to be together.

What he didn't know was I would immediately want to forgive him and work through it. He had made up his mind that he had no other choice and while moving forward with her he was pushing me farther away. When I told him God would get us through his he was stopped in his tracks and had to backtrack. (Many people will disagree with this next part but please know it was what was best for us and I would not do it differently if given the chance). He took three weeks to quit talking to her. I spent three weeks living with my husband wondering if he would stay or go. But my husband is VERY logical and I knew that he had to come to a conclusion on his own. I was fairly certain he wouldn't leave (the mistress does not even live in this country so I knew that was not a likely scenario) but I knew if I gave him an ultimatum he would second guess tings. I wanted to know that when we decided to "be us" again that he was in it 100%. I prayed God would build walls between them to make it easier for them to move on and he built giant walls!!! My husband realized she would not live even reasonably close to where we live therefor he would lose his son. He also realized she would never go to church with him or believe in God. He also realized that his love for me never changed, rather he just pushed it aside because it was too painful not too. Keep in mind, we have always had an incredible friendship and even through this all we've remained best friends and that part of our relationship never wavered which made it easier to pick up the pieces and realize the romantic relationship was still in there.

So, here we are without her in the picture and my husband is 100% sure that he made the right choice and is realizing how close he was to losing everything important in his life. We are "doing wonderful". We laugh, smile, have sex, and just purely enjoy each other. We are happier (mainly because he's actually emotionally present) then we have been in years. We went on a trip together last week without our son just to "date" and work on us and it was perfect. I KNOW we will get through this and I KNOW we will be happier in the end.

So why am I here? I hurt. I cry. I feel betrayed. I have these images in my head that I can't get out. I'm not 100% sure where my husband stands in his spiritual life (I know he believes in God but I'm not sure he prays or has a personal spiritual life away from our family). I worry that my husband seemed to get over his mistress so easily (I should be thankful but I was prepared for that to take a while....). I'm just looking for advise or someone who has been in my shoes. Or someone who has been in my husbands shoes. Will the pain ever go away and will the images and thoughts of "her" ever slow down? I just want us to be a happy couple with a son who lives for God and doesn't have to ever see this again.

It is well.....with my soul has become my theme.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

You have amazing forgiveness which is a credit to you. You've suffered enormously. May God be with you, your husband and son on your journey through life.

 

[Albion]

None of us can put himself exactly into your shoes with this history, but I am impressed at how well you approached the matter, both in assessing it and then handling it.

While I haven't had the experience you had, I feel strongly, thanks to friends who've had similar traumas, that the thoughts that hurt and worry you at present will solve themselves, although it will be a "time heals all wounds" type of thing. Gradually, over years, it will fade away or almost so. Knowing this, try not to analyze or ponder the images and thoughts in the present, but recognize that they belong to the past.

 

[miamited]

Hi MBA,

I believe that you have done, in forgiving your husband and rebuilding your marriage, exactly what God would want of you. Now it is also up to you to take that final step. Go to the Lord in fervent prayer and beseech Him to give you a heart that is like His heart. To set your husband sin as far from you as the east is from the west. To remember no more his iniquity. To completely and securely forgive him knowing that you will be doing a righteous thing in the sight of God.

There is no promise in the Scriptures that marriage will ever be without pitfalls. But, there is a promise that we are forgiven in the same way that we forgive others. Do you want God to forgive you but always remember your sin? He says that he doesn't. That you will be as if you had never sinned to Him. Don't you want to give others the same forgiveness that God has given you? No, it isn't easy and yes, it requires work. Work that can only truly be accomplished through God. I believe that if you ask God to give you His heart in this, He will.

Lastly, I believe that you should go to your husband in a quiet place at a quiet time and lay out all of this turmoil that you're suffering because of his sin against you. If he truly loves you, I believe that he will understand and help you in working all this out to completeness.

The Scriptures speak of marriage being the act of two people being one. You should rejoice in his joy and sorrow in his trials. Others have trod this same path that you now find yourself on. We're all only human and we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. But, the joy of forgiveness is for the one who forgives even more than the one who is forgiven. There is a relief that comes through forgiveness and that relief is enjoyed by both the one who forgives and the one who is forgiven. The Scriptures declare that even the angels rejoice when one of us comes to repentance and love for God. I believe that God rejoices when He sees one of His exemplify upon the earth the same attribute of forgiveness that He has shown us.

God bless you,
In Christ, ted

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

There is no way to post every detail in this forum but I found out Feb 16 that my husband had been having an affair since October.

My husband is in graduate school and has to travel frequently to Boston for class. He met a girl that had very similar interests in the buisiness world and a friendship very quickly turned to a relationship (emotional and physical). He went to Boston several times from October through February and the entire time I constantly confronted my husband about how distant he was and I became more and more suspicious. Two days after his last trip (Feb 16) I looked through his emails and my entire world flipped upside down. I called him at work and immediately told him I wanted a divorce (which I never meant and by the time he was home I knew I wanted to work through this). I fully believe God has held me through this entire experience because there are many times where I look back and don't even know how I put one foot in front of the other. I was mildy relieved at first when I found out (I know, it sounds crazy) because I was losing my mind and thinking I was making a situation that didn't exist. Now I at least know the situation and we could move forward.

What I didn't know was my husband had developed real feelings for this girl and was in love with her. Him
and I had grown apart in some ways and he was in over his head and had lost control. We have an almost 2 year old son and he was taking most of my time and I didn't realize it or feel as lonely as my husband did. (I'm not defending his actions or blaming myself but I also know the affair stemmed from a deeper problem). My husband had already decided he was going to tell me and him and his mistress were going to be together.

What he didn't know was I would immediately want to forgive him and work through it. He had made up his mind that he had no other choice and while moving forward with her he was pushing me farther away. When I told him God would get us through his he was stopped in his tracks and had to backtrack. (Many people will disagree with this next part but please know it was what was best for us and I would not do it differently if given the chance). He took three weeks to quit talking to her. I spent three weeks living with my husband wondering if he would stay or go. But my husband is VERY logical and I knew that he had to come to a conclusion on his own. I was fairly certain he wouldn't leave (the mistress does not even live in this country so I knew that was not a likely scenario) but I knew if I gave him an ultimatum he would second guess tings. I wanted to know that when we decided to "be us" again that he was in it 100%. I prayed God would build walls between them to make it easier for them to move on and he built giant walls!!! My husband realized she would not live even reasonably close to where we live therefor he would lose his son. He also realized she would never go to church with him or believe in God. He also realized that his love for me never changed, rather he just pushed it aside because it was too painful not too. Keep in mind, we have always had an incredible friendship and even through this all we've remained best friends and that part of our relationship never wavered which made it easier to pick up the pieces and realize the romantic relationship was still in there.

So, here we are without her in the picture and my husband is 100% sure that he made the right choice and is realizing how close he was to losing everything important in his life. We are "doing wonderful". We laugh, smile, have sex, and just purely enjoy each other. We are happier (mainly because he's actually emotionally present) then we have been in years. We went on a trip together last week without our son just to "date" and work on us and it was perfect. I KNOW we will get through this and I KNOW we will be happier in the end.

So why am I here? I hurt. I cry. I feel betrayed. I have these images in my head that I can't get out. I'm not 100% sure where my husband stands in his spiritual life (I know he believes in God but I'm not sure he prays or has a personal spiritual life away from our family). I worry that my husband seemed to get over his mistress so easily (I should be thankful but I was prepared for that to take a while....). I'm just looking for advise or someone who has been in my shoes. Or someone who has been in my husbands shoes. Will the pain ever go away and will the images and thoughts of "her" ever slow down? I just want us to be a happy couple with a son who lives for God and doesn't have to ever see this again.

It is well.....with my soul has become my theme.

You went through a crisis and do to your circumstances did not allow yourself to really work through the reality of what had happened because your instinct was to fight for your family since this fight was up in the air a while you repressed the natural emotions and kept in the fear teh doubt and pain not wanting to push your man away. He even has you taking the blame for putting your kid first to justify him being a cheat. Many men start to feel this neglect so maybe get a babysitter and go on a date and initiate some alone time with you. Now he is through it and without consequences. But really now the wounds you legitimately are having are starting to surface. Even though you won out and saved your family you need legitimate healing from this ordeal. You might do well to seek out a good counselor (female Christian) who you can talk this over with. And then bring up your real issues with your husband. If he is legit he should own the responsibility for having done this and demonstrate and understanding in nurturing you back. God bless you. I will be praying for you.

 

[gym_class_hero]

Hi MBA, it's human nature in these situations to want to know all the facts but that isn't helpful in the long run. Your feelings are natural and you shouldn't feel any fear or shame over them. Weve been thru this and it takes time to get past the hurt. Eventually the pain passes but you may have those little things that trigger the bad memories. Think on Philippians 4.8 and cast your mind and heart on your relationship with God. The stronger you are in your faith, the more attractive you will be to your husband. Continue to pray for him but know that we are only responsible for obedience, God is responsible for the outcome. You can get thru this and once you get on the other side you can be a blessing to other couples facing the same issues. We are imperfect people and one thing that inspires me is how God uses frail people like us throughout the Bible to accomplish His plan. God bless you and your family!

 

[Dave-W]

MBA, I find your level of forgiveness and willing to work amazing.

I do not think (as a man) that I could live with myself if I had fallen into such a bad situation like your husband did.

 

[MBA6411]

Hi MBA, it's human nature in these situations to want to know all the facts but that isn't helpful in the long run. Your feelings are natural and you shouldn't feel any fear or shame over them. Weve been thru this and it takes time to get past the hurt. Eventually the pain passes but you may have those little things that trigger the bad memories. Think on Philippians 4.8 and cast your mind and heart on your relationship with God. The stronger you are in your faith, the more attractive you will be to your husband. Continue to pray for him but know that we are only responsible for obedience, God is responsible for the outcome. You can get thru this and once you get on the other side you can be a blessing to other couples facing the same issues. We are imperfect people and one thing that inspires me is how God uses frail people like us throughout the Bible to accomplish His plan. God bless you and your family!

One thing I really find myself struggling with is hatred and anger towards the other woman. I know a lot of that is because I do not want to direct it at my husband because I love him and we are going to be together. I made vows to him, not to her. While he broke those vows I still want to fix it. However, I get very irritated at times that her husband does not know. Its not my problem or business but I feel as though she wrecked (with my husbands help) my family and came out without a consequence while we are living in his mess. I know in time we will have an honest relationship where hers will always be based on a HUGE lie but I am always so tempted to tell her husband (who I do not know AT ALL) but thanks to facebook it is easy to find people.....

 

[MBA6411]

MBA, I find your level of forgiveness and willing to work amazing.

I do not think (as a man) that I could live with myself if I had fallen into such a bad situation like your husband did.

To be honest, I have NO IDEA where we ended up where we did. And if I think about it too deeply and think about the details I want to scream. I do not know how to explain this but when his and I spoke and interacted for the first several weeks after I discovered this he was not himself. He said things and the way he thought and explained things was not my husband. He had gotten himself so brainwashed and convinced that he had no other way out that he was not even himself anymore. The miraculous part is that as soon as he cut her out of his life he slowly became the man I married. Don't get me wrong, he still has a way to go but I can see in the way he speaks and treats me (compared to the past several months) that he is still in there and loves me and my son. That is the only thing that keeps me going. If it was only words and no actions backing up his changes then I would have a much harder time trusting him. See, I think where I differ in most people in my shoes is I desire to trust him so it makes it easy to. Its too exhausting to worry and track him constantly. If I am wrong in the end and he does this again I will be gone but I do not believe that will be the case. He does not hide his phone, email or anything and he allowed me to block her on several accounts. As long as his is an open book I do not feel the need to snoop because what could he be hiding if hes voluntarily being so open?

My struggle is being angry and hating her. I find myself wanting her to be miserable. He husband doesnt know and I want him to because I want her to face the consequences like myself and my husband have. I also feel sorry for her hubs because I felt so stupid when I found out and I hate that he just "has no idea".

 

[Dave-W]

Yeah - I get that.

 

[turkle]

My struggle is being angry and hating her. I find myself wanting her to be miserable. He husband doesnt know and I want him to because I want her to face the consequences like myself and my husband have. I also feel sorry for her hubs because I felt so stupid when I found out and I hate that he just "has no idea"

It's understandable that you are raging against her in your mind. You don't want to lay it on your husband, but you need a place to put your anger. She is your scapegoat. It makes sense.

The problem is that by directing your anger against her and wanting her to suffer as you've suffered, you are harming yourself. You are captive to this anger and if left unchecked, in the long term it will cause bitterness and more anger. The desire for revenge is a cancer that grows. This is why God tells us that vengeance is His. He is the judge, and you have to let go of the desire to be the judge.

It's still very recent and very raw, so it's completely understandable that you haven't started the process. I strongly urge you to get counseling, both for yourself individually, and for both of you as a couple. He should be counseled as well so that he can understand how he got to that place and what to do when temptation strikes again.

Forgiveness is really hard. But when you do forgive, you will set yourself free. It will take time, I'm sure, but I strongly encourage you to stop fantasizing about hurting her, and start the process of really letting this thing go. I wish you well.