I think I've always had OCD, since I've had the cliches of washing hands and re-checking locks on doors for as long as I can remember. I can also recall months on end where I'd be worried about burning alive in a fire or simply fretting about death. Thoughts of doing anything from kissing to attacking to outright violating the people around me have also popped up from time to time. This year, I've got a new fear: the possibility of being gay.
Now, I questioned this once while I was in my teens but decided that the answer was "No". For once thing, I can't ever see myself as being with another man romantically or sexually. I've only ever been attracted to women, both those in my age group and those older than me. In fact, I've spent four years having what I'm certain was unrequited love for a girl. My problem is, as much as I've been attracted to women, I've always been somewhat shy. I think a big contributor to this is my Asperger's Syndrome, which has always made it difficult for me to form connections with other people. I've started getting over some of its weaknesses now, but now I'm plagued by the issue of every single girl I get a crush on having a boyfriend, which hasn't done wonders for my self-esteem.
One day in August, I was browsing Craigslist and by total accident saw a male advert, to which I instantly clicked away. However, it planted a seed of doubt in my mind that only worsened after my family and I, who are all rather big film fans, watched The Hurt Locker later that night. The thought persisted all throughout the movie and when I woke up in the morning I was on the verge of tears. I put on a brave face so my family wouldn't think anything was wrong, but I was so depressed I could hardly eat.
So, I suffered alone and unknowing for a few days, horrified by the prospect that I could be gay until eventually an idea that it was obsessive compulsive-related formed in my mind. I looked it up and found to my total surprise that this was actually a real condition that many straight guys like myself go through.
So, after looking at all the testimonials and articles, I realised a few things about my symptoms that were in more line with HOCD rather than actual homosexuality...
+ Gay thoughts were persistent, very difficult to get rid of, and created feelings of anxiety and depression.
+ Any thought of same-sex behaviour created an instant reflex, usually a physical shudder or even an actual block-like motion that made me try to get it out of my mind as soon as possible.
+ Constantly having to redo any action that I felt was "gay" until I was satisfied that it wasn't.
+ Any word or phrase that could be taken in a "gay" way (ie: the endless double entendres about something being "hard" that fly around when you're at uni) made me uncomfortable.
+ Constantly having to double-check what's making me aroused, even though I know I can still get hard while thinking about girls.
+ Fear that I might not be attracted to girls, even though I often find myself checking them out.
+ Being uncomfortable around members of my own gender for fear that I could be attracted to them, despite never having being so ever.
+ Being even more uncomfortable around actual gay men, especially those who talk freely about their sexuality.
+ On a different, but still unrelated note, I found that there were other OCD-related sexual dysfunctions involving thoughts about minors, incest and bestiality. I ticked every box, but those thoughts I'd always been able to brush away due to the absurdity of them. For HOCD, though, I think what keeps it there is the fact that I've never had a real girlfriend and ruin most of my chances to have one out of anxiety that "I'm not ready" or "This could lead to sex and I want to save myself for marriage" and other such things.
Even now, it's hard for me to put this all into words. My brain keeps saying "gay gay gay gay gay!" but my heart says otherwise. My gut keeps telling me that I'm not and that I have to keep moving forward and beat this.
Just yesterday, I felt like I was on the way to recovery but I had another spike that resulted in me going to my play rehearsal there extremely uneasy, feeling anxious and a little sick. It's got worse when I found out that a girl I had a crush on already had a boyfriend, and I felt as upset as one normally does in those situations and I instantly began fretting that I could be attracted to my friend Adam, who is gay and speaks freely of it. It was hard to so much as look at him, and I frankly felt like I was going to be physically ill. I've never considered myself homophobic, and I don't want to start hating him because of my own anxieties but yesterday my heart was beating in a disturbing fast way, the kind of way it does when you feel extreme car sickness or when you're anticipating some awful news.
I'm sure this must be HOCD, and I desperately want to recover. Apparently gay people get happy feelings from these thoughts, even secretly, but in the five months that I've had this I've never once felt happy or aroused by it: only frightened, upset, angry, depressed and even outright suicidal at times. I'm spurred on by the fact that I've always wanted to have a wife and kids some day, but it feels like it gets harder and harder to keep moving forward as time goes by. Part of me wants to give up, but I know I couldn't be happy with a homosexual life.
Right now, my desire to beat this is stronger than my desire to get good grades at uni. It's frankly ruining my life, and until I beat it and go back to my happy, comfortably heterosexual life I just don't feel like I can enjoy anything like I used to. I know I'm still straight because I can still get aroused at the thought of being with a woman... that is, until the HOCD spikes kick in. I've been looking up my condition on the internet and praying like crazy these last five months but I just don't know if any progress has been made and even now I feel ill and depressed just thinking about it. As horrible of me as it sounds, sometimes I feel like God has forsaken me, which feels terrible for me to think after all he's done for me, and everything just makes me want to die.
I really, really want to believe that I can be healed, but even now I feel the optimistic persona I normally have being eroded away. A lot of people say that the best thing to do is just accept the thoughts and move on, but I can't: I'm afraid that they might turn out to be true and if they are then I'll never be able to have the family I've always wanted.
Please, do you think there's any hope for me left and what would you suggest I do to help myself?
God bless.
- Sam
Now, I questioned this once while I was in my teens but decided that the answer was "No". For once thing, I can't ever see myself as being with another man romantically or sexually. I've only ever been attracted to women, both those in my age group and those older than me. In fact, I've spent four years having what I'm certain was unrequited love for a girl. My problem is, as much as I've been attracted to women, I've always been somewhat shy. I think a big contributor to this is my Asperger's Syndrome, which has always made it difficult for me to form connections with other people. I've started getting over some of its weaknesses now, but now I'm plagued by the issue of every single girl I get a crush on having a boyfriend, which hasn't done wonders for my self-esteem.
One day in August, I was browsing Craigslist and by total accident saw a male advert, to which I instantly clicked away. However, it planted a seed of doubt in my mind that only worsened after my family and I, who are all rather big film fans, watched The Hurt Locker later that night. The thought persisted all throughout the movie and when I woke up in the morning I was on the verge of tears. I put on a brave face so my family wouldn't think anything was wrong, but I was so depressed I could hardly eat.
So, I suffered alone and unknowing for a few days, horrified by the prospect that I could be gay until eventually an idea that it was obsessive compulsive-related formed in my mind. I looked it up and found to my total surprise that this was actually a real condition that many straight guys like myself go through.
So, after looking at all the testimonials and articles, I realised a few things about my symptoms that were in more line with HOCD rather than actual homosexuality...
+ Gay thoughts were persistent, very difficult to get rid of, and created feelings of anxiety and depression.
+ Any thought of same-sex behaviour created an instant reflex, usually a physical shudder or even an actual block-like motion that made me try to get it out of my mind as soon as possible.
+ Constantly having to redo any action that I felt was "gay" until I was satisfied that it wasn't.
+ Any word or phrase that could be taken in a "gay" way (ie: the endless double entendres about something being "hard" that fly around when you're at uni) made me uncomfortable.
+ Constantly having to double-check what's making me aroused, even though I know I can still get hard while thinking about girls.
+ Fear that I might not be attracted to girls, even though I often find myself checking them out.
+ Being uncomfortable around members of my own gender for fear that I could be attracted to them, despite never having being so ever.
+ Being even more uncomfortable around actual gay men, especially those who talk freely about their sexuality.
+ On a different, but still unrelated note, I found that there were other OCD-related sexual dysfunctions involving thoughts about minors, incest and bestiality. I ticked every box, but those thoughts I'd always been able to brush away due to the absurdity of them. For HOCD, though, I think what keeps it there is the fact that I've never had a real girlfriend and ruin most of my chances to have one out of anxiety that "I'm not ready" or "This could lead to sex and I want to save myself for marriage" and other such things.
Even now, it's hard for me to put this all into words. My brain keeps saying "gay gay gay gay gay!" but my heart says otherwise. My gut keeps telling me that I'm not and that I have to keep moving forward and beat this.
Just yesterday, I felt like I was on the way to recovery but I had another spike that resulted in me going to my play rehearsal there extremely uneasy, feeling anxious and a little sick. It's got worse when I found out that a girl I had a crush on already had a boyfriend, and I felt as upset as one normally does in those situations and I instantly began fretting that I could be attracted to my friend Adam, who is gay and speaks freely of it. It was hard to so much as look at him, and I frankly felt like I was going to be physically ill. I've never considered myself homophobic, and I don't want to start hating him because of my own anxieties but yesterday my heart was beating in a disturbing fast way, the kind of way it does when you feel extreme car sickness or when you're anticipating some awful news.
I'm sure this must be HOCD, and I desperately want to recover. Apparently gay people get happy feelings from these thoughts, even secretly, but in the five months that I've had this I've never once felt happy or aroused by it: only frightened, upset, angry, depressed and even outright suicidal at times. I'm spurred on by the fact that I've always wanted to have a wife and kids some day, but it feels like it gets harder and harder to keep moving forward as time goes by. Part of me wants to give up, but I know I couldn't be happy with a homosexual life.
Right now, my desire to beat this is stronger than my desire to get good grades at uni. It's frankly ruining my life, and until I beat it and go back to my happy, comfortably heterosexual life I just don't feel like I can enjoy anything like I used to. I know I'm still straight because I can still get aroused at the thought of being with a woman... that is, until the HOCD spikes kick in. I've been looking up my condition on the internet and praying like crazy these last five months but I just don't know if any progress has been made and even now I feel ill and depressed just thinking about it. As horrible of me as it sounds, sometimes I feel like God has forsaken me, which feels terrible for me to think after all he's done for me, and everything just makes me want to die.
I really, really want to believe that I can be healed, but even now I feel the optimistic persona I normally have being eroded away. A lot of people say that the best thing to do is just accept the thoughts and move on, but I can't: I'm afraid that they might turn out to be true and if they are then I'll never be able to have the family I've always wanted.
Please, do you think there's any hope for me left and what would you suggest I do to help myself?
God bless.
- Sam
