- Aug 18, 2003
- 1,727
- 186
- 42
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
Hello. *sigh* I'm not sure how to explain what's going on in my head without being extremely thorough. Sorry if this gets too long. But this is very important to me. I can't talk about this with anyone else. Not my friends. Not my family. I'm just so scared of being judged falsely or whatever. I don't want anyone to magnify my mistakes. Usually I do know when I mess up. And I'm no longer fond of being told what I should do, or what I shouldn't do, etc. This has nothing to do with being corrected or anything. I'm just...I don't know. It does help to dump this all on God. I'm talking to Him all the time. All the time. Because this is just something that I desire so much, so much. I want to believe that He'll answer my prayer in some way, but I'm unfortunately weak in my faith. I just keep thinking that I have to hold on to what I'm trying to give him, and I don't learn to let Him have full control. Anyway, I'll get to the point. I'm still afraid to even share this, but here I go. Please bear with me.
I'm involved with my very first bf ever (I'm 21 years old), and we've been together for a little under 2 months, though I've known him for about 5 months. At any rate, we're still pretty fresh. I've always shooed guys away in the past. They never interested me, and I never genuinely liked any of them. Plus, I didn't really have an urge to be in a relationship. I've had crushes, yes, but that's as far as I ever got. I've even had crushes on guys from my church, but never really LIKED any of them. And never once has one approached me anyway. Then, for the first time ever, I just had this urge to like my current guy. He did everything different than ALL other boys that crossed my path. His approach, his behavior, etc. Everything my heart desired had come to be with this guy...the impressive first approach, the irresistible personality, and the extremely respectful treatment of me. I liked him pretty quick, and he liked me as well. I eventually got to wondering why in the world I got hired into this job so fast when I first applied (got called the next day), why I felt the urge to stay working there for as long as I have and not wanting to leave (I met him roughly 3 months before he qui to get another job, and he had been working at my job for 3 years longer than I have), and why I suddenly like a guy that likes me back. It almost seems like it was all set up. We bonded instantly. My parents like him. He likes my parents. It was just so right.
Anyway, I've been a church-going girl for most of my life, but I became a Christian about 10 years ago roughly. I'm not the greatest of Christians; I'm still FAR from perfect. I think I'm still trying to become a better one. But, I AM indeed saved, and have a relationship with Christ. I was baptized when I was 16. God's always been there for me, even when it seems like He's so far away. He's got such a strong hold on me. So here's the "problem": My bf is not a Christian. He's the type that used to go to church way back in the day, but hasn't gone in awhile. Now, I know that it's a risk to get involved with a non-Christian. I guess I was just weak in the fact that I finally am having feelings for a decent respectable guy, even if he isn't a Christian, and I gave in. I found out he wasn't a Christian on our second date, before we were even a couple. And it was at that moment where the urge to get him back involved with church was born. I still took the risk to couple with him, though. Yes, I'm aware it's a risk. But I don't want to focus on that just yet. My way of thinking is pretty much the dilemma. I don't want to think about the ways he could affect me and my beliefs negatively, though no worries, I do keep them in mind. What I do want to think about, however, is how I could affect him positively, how God, using me, can improve his life. I want to believe that God's hold on my life will spill over to him. I actually think that God's already at work, but He still works in mysterious ways. Because if God's at work, then that means the devil is at work too. I feel like I'm having a tug of war with the devil, and the "rope" is my bf's soul.
Here's where it gets interesting. I can tell that he thirsts for SOMETHING. I'll say God, because everyone in this world thirsts for God; they just don't know it. But it's not only me that sees this. My parents see it as well. They actually suspected it before I did. The bf revealed to me, at a point where we were having deep conversation, that in his life, he goes through so much upset, so much stress, and being around me keeps him relaxed. He feels most at ease, at peace, when he's next to me. My parents say that such a thing is his spirit feeling what my spirit has, and that's the spirit of God. Like I awaken something in him. If that's not believable enough, I have another one. He and I did have a small mishap, a temporary "break-up" because he had a panic, and thought that his constant upset would hurt me, rub off on me, and he didn't want me to be dragged down with him. When he first told me the news that it might not work, he broke down in tears. We didn't see each other for a week or so as a means of "healing," but in time, we talked about it. Each time we did, though, he had such a hard time talking about it. I drew the conclusion that he went against his heart's true desire; he didn't want to end what we had. I was patient with him; I didn't push him into doing any kind of rekindling. I was just trying to be as pleasant in conversation as possible whenever we talked. I just prayed about it when I wasn't crying about it, and just backed off as best as I could. I even thought that well, maybe this is God's doing. Maybe He took him away from me. But then I think, well, this could be the devil's doing just the same. And he's trying to keep him away from me, his main source of connecting with God. I wanted him back, though, I'll admit. Well anyway, one night when I was at work, he called me, claiming that he had been crying and he didn't know why. He said he just cried for no reason at all. I asked why he called me, since he told me he had to be up in 5 hours, and he said that he just needed someone to talk to. So he chose me. Maybe it's because I was the only one he knew would be awake (I work nights) but either way, it's good that I was, because I do want to be his source of comfort. Furthermore, while we talked, he told me how he didn't want to end things with us, and with a broken voice he told me how much he loved me. In the end, he thanked me for making him happier than how he was before he called.
I love him a lot, and I know he loves me too. We rekindled the little mishap, but it still feels shaky. Like we're trying to get back into the flow of things, but the busy life he leads acts as an obstacle. It's still possible that an even more solid breakup might occur, but I truly hope not. However, if it happens, it happens. I'll cry and be heartbroken again, of course, but that's not the most important thing. I just hope God will instill it in him to keep me in his life, even if it's not romantically. But anyway, moving on. I do feel he truly loves me when I hear him say it. He's never had a church-going gf, and so far, he hasn't been scared away by my "ways," what he's not allowed to do, etc. He admits that I'm "odd" in how I am, but he doesn't look on it as a hindrance, just a difference. I would say that he's trying to "train himself" to get accustomed to being with me. He's very respectful of me. VERY. He doesn't try to pressure me into doing what I don't want. In fact, he never even pressures me. He pretty much waits to see what I myself would want. All he really does is just...well...accompany me. He's just there at my side. When time allows of course. He's very open-minded, and actually, there have been several opportunities where I could have spread the Word to him, thanks to his persistence, but I was either caught off-guard, or just didn't have a Bible handy. He's very attentive and curious as to what verses mean, etc. But it's me that keeps messing up. I know it's possible to work with him; I know it. He just goes through so much hurtful stress, and it seems that all I can really do is pray for him, and hope that he'd never NOT want to use me as his comfort. If he keeps coming to me, it can all work out. His unfortunate way of distracting himself from his upset is working excessively, which takes its own toll on him. *sigh* So, I just need agreement in my prayers. I continually ask God to give me the strength and courage to get through to him. I know it's probably not best to be his gf, since I'm also thinking about the relationship thing, but I feel that as his gf, I'd have a somewhat more important place than just a regular friend. And that's another problem. His friends. I feel like their my "enemies." His friends still have a huge hold on his life, a big influence on his decisions. And since they're of the world as well, it makes it tougher for me. But I do feel that I have my own little hold on him as well. I just worry that it can get weaker, because obviously he's known his friends longer, and I just might lose him in not only a bf way, but also the spiritual way. I want so badly to show him the way to God, so that he can have the peace ALL the time, and not only when he's around me, though I truly do like how I can have that place for him. But I care about him SO much, and I want him to realize that God has a plan for him. He even got into a car accident a few years back, and it almost killed him. He said he doesn't even know why he's alive, and I said it's so that he can meet me. He said that's what he wanted to hear. And I still want that to remain true. He cheated death so that he could meet me, his first real link to God, and whenever God establishes a place in his life, I'd want to feel happy to have played some kind of part in it. For once, I'd like to help win someone over for the Lord.
And there ya have it. I am so sorry that this is so long.
I just want to make sure to be very clear. I realize the risk I took when I got closer to a non-Christian guy. I know that it would be much easier to get involved with someone who already knows of God, and is saved just the same. I know that. I guess I just feel that if I flee away from unsaved people, they're never gonna know God. And to me, it's like saying that God's hold on me would be too weak when I'm associating with the people of the world. I want to believe that I am on the stronger side, and it will be ME that rubs off onto THEM. Even if this relationship doesn't work out, it's STILL a major desire of mine. Whether he's a bf, a friend, or even just a stranger that I just happen to speak to a lot, he's STILL a lost soul, a pained soul. He's got such a great heart; he truly is an awesome person. More than anything, I want him to be more complete, and just find God. And that's why my heart aches. I don't want to feel like this "mission" will be doomed to fail. My faith is not very strong, but I'm working so hard, and I just want as much support as I can get, if it's possible. Thanx for reading, and for anything you guys might add.
I'm involved with my very first bf ever (I'm 21 years old), and we've been together for a little under 2 months, though I've known him for about 5 months. At any rate, we're still pretty fresh. I've always shooed guys away in the past. They never interested me, and I never genuinely liked any of them. Plus, I didn't really have an urge to be in a relationship. I've had crushes, yes, but that's as far as I ever got. I've even had crushes on guys from my church, but never really LIKED any of them. And never once has one approached me anyway. Then, for the first time ever, I just had this urge to like my current guy. He did everything different than ALL other boys that crossed my path. His approach, his behavior, etc. Everything my heart desired had come to be with this guy...the impressive first approach, the irresistible personality, and the extremely respectful treatment of me. I liked him pretty quick, and he liked me as well. I eventually got to wondering why in the world I got hired into this job so fast when I first applied (got called the next day), why I felt the urge to stay working there for as long as I have and not wanting to leave (I met him roughly 3 months before he qui to get another job, and he had been working at my job for 3 years longer than I have), and why I suddenly like a guy that likes me back. It almost seems like it was all set up. We bonded instantly. My parents like him. He likes my parents. It was just so right.
Anyway, I've been a church-going girl for most of my life, but I became a Christian about 10 years ago roughly. I'm not the greatest of Christians; I'm still FAR from perfect. I think I'm still trying to become a better one. But, I AM indeed saved, and have a relationship with Christ. I was baptized when I was 16. God's always been there for me, even when it seems like He's so far away. He's got such a strong hold on me. So here's the "problem": My bf is not a Christian. He's the type that used to go to church way back in the day, but hasn't gone in awhile. Now, I know that it's a risk to get involved with a non-Christian. I guess I was just weak in the fact that I finally am having feelings for a decent respectable guy, even if he isn't a Christian, and I gave in. I found out he wasn't a Christian on our second date, before we were even a couple. And it was at that moment where the urge to get him back involved with church was born. I still took the risk to couple with him, though. Yes, I'm aware it's a risk. But I don't want to focus on that just yet. My way of thinking is pretty much the dilemma. I don't want to think about the ways he could affect me and my beliefs negatively, though no worries, I do keep them in mind. What I do want to think about, however, is how I could affect him positively, how God, using me, can improve his life. I want to believe that God's hold on my life will spill over to him. I actually think that God's already at work, but He still works in mysterious ways. Because if God's at work, then that means the devil is at work too. I feel like I'm having a tug of war with the devil, and the "rope" is my bf's soul.
Here's where it gets interesting. I can tell that he thirsts for SOMETHING. I'll say God, because everyone in this world thirsts for God; they just don't know it. But it's not only me that sees this. My parents see it as well. They actually suspected it before I did. The bf revealed to me, at a point where we were having deep conversation, that in his life, he goes through so much upset, so much stress, and being around me keeps him relaxed. He feels most at ease, at peace, when he's next to me. My parents say that such a thing is his spirit feeling what my spirit has, and that's the spirit of God. Like I awaken something in him. If that's not believable enough, I have another one. He and I did have a small mishap, a temporary "break-up" because he had a panic, and thought that his constant upset would hurt me, rub off on me, and he didn't want me to be dragged down with him. When he first told me the news that it might not work, he broke down in tears. We didn't see each other for a week or so as a means of "healing," but in time, we talked about it. Each time we did, though, he had such a hard time talking about it. I drew the conclusion that he went against his heart's true desire; he didn't want to end what we had. I was patient with him; I didn't push him into doing any kind of rekindling. I was just trying to be as pleasant in conversation as possible whenever we talked. I just prayed about it when I wasn't crying about it, and just backed off as best as I could. I even thought that well, maybe this is God's doing. Maybe He took him away from me. But then I think, well, this could be the devil's doing just the same. And he's trying to keep him away from me, his main source of connecting with God. I wanted him back, though, I'll admit. Well anyway, one night when I was at work, he called me, claiming that he had been crying and he didn't know why. He said he just cried for no reason at all. I asked why he called me, since he told me he had to be up in 5 hours, and he said that he just needed someone to talk to. So he chose me. Maybe it's because I was the only one he knew would be awake (I work nights) but either way, it's good that I was, because I do want to be his source of comfort. Furthermore, while we talked, he told me how he didn't want to end things with us, and with a broken voice he told me how much he loved me. In the end, he thanked me for making him happier than how he was before he called.
I love him a lot, and I know he loves me too. We rekindled the little mishap, but it still feels shaky. Like we're trying to get back into the flow of things, but the busy life he leads acts as an obstacle. It's still possible that an even more solid breakup might occur, but I truly hope not. However, if it happens, it happens. I'll cry and be heartbroken again, of course, but that's not the most important thing. I just hope God will instill it in him to keep me in his life, even if it's not romantically. But anyway, moving on. I do feel he truly loves me when I hear him say it. He's never had a church-going gf, and so far, he hasn't been scared away by my "ways," what he's not allowed to do, etc. He admits that I'm "odd" in how I am, but he doesn't look on it as a hindrance, just a difference. I would say that he's trying to "train himself" to get accustomed to being with me. He's very respectful of me. VERY. He doesn't try to pressure me into doing what I don't want. In fact, he never even pressures me. He pretty much waits to see what I myself would want. All he really does is just...well...accompany me. He's just there at my side. When time allows of course. He's very open-minded, and actually, there have been several opportunities where I could have spread the Word to him, thanks to his persistence, but I was either caught off-guard, or just didn't have a Bible handy. He's very attentive and curious as to what verses mean, etc. But it's me that keeps messing up. I know it's possible to work with him; I know it. He just goes through so much hurtful stress, and it seems that all I can really do is pray for him, and hope that he'd never NOT want to use me as his comfort. If he keeps coming to me, it can all work out. His unfortunate way of distracting himself from his upset is working excessively, which takes its own toll on him. *sigh* So, I just need agreement in my prayers. I continually ask God to give me the strength and courage to get through to him. I know it's probably not best to be his gf, since I'm also thinking about the relationship thing, but I feel that as his gf, I'd have a somewhat more important place than just a regular friend. And that's another problem. His friends. I feel like their my "enemies." His friends still have a huge hold on his life, a big influence on his decisions. And since they're of the world as well, it makes it tougher for me. But I do feel that I have my own little hold on him as well. I just worry that it can get weaker, because obviously he's known his friends longer, and I just might lose him in not only a bf way, but also the spiritual way. I want so badly to show him the way to God, so that he can have the peace ALL the time, and not only when he's around me, though I truly do like how I can have that place for him. But I care about him SO much, and I want him to realize that God has a plan for him. He even got into a car accident a few years back, and it almost killed him. He said he doesn't even know why he's alive, and I said it's so that he can meet me. He said that's what he wanted to hear. And I still want that to remain true. He cheated death so that he could meet me, his first real link to God, and whenever God establishes a place in his life, I'd want to feel happy to have played some kind of part in it. For once, I'd like to help win someone over for the Lord.
And there ya have it. I am so sorry that this is so long.
I just want to make sure to be very clear. I realize the risk I took when I got closer to a non-Christian guy. I know that it would be much easier to get involved with someone who already knows of God, and is saved just the same. I know that. I guess I just feel that if I flee away from unsaved people, they're never gonna know God. And to me, it's like saying that God's hold on me would be too weak when I'm associating with the people of the world. I want to believe that I am on the stronger side, and it will be ME that rubs off onto THEM. Even if this relationship doesn't work out, it's STILL a major desire of mine. Whether he's a bf, a friend, or even just a stranger that I just happen to speak to a lot, he's STILL a lost soul, a pained soul. He's got such a great heart; he truly is an awesome person. More than anything, I want him to be more complete, and just find God. And that's why my heart aches. I don't want to feel like this "mission" will be doomed to fail. My faith is not very strong, but I'm working so hard, and I just want as much support as I can get, if it's possible. Thanx for reading, and for anything you guys might add.
And I just don't want to be thinking about me all the time either, though. I tried (and may have failed) leading people to the Lord one time. True, it was via the net on another forum, but it just didn't work. It crushed me that I felt like I failed, and I tried so hard. But I continued to pray about it, hoping that though it all seemed to have gone wrong, God had planted a small enough seed to germinate in time. It would just be so wonderful a feeling if God uses me and takes me over in order to reach others, especially my bf. Then to think about the resulting effect HE'D have on others. God'll spread from him to his family, friends...it's just...wow. It would just be very nice. Yes, I just gotta learn God's will. Patience...patience. Thank you for your words and prayers.
