My friend doesn't have good hygiene

[Heartofsilver]

Hello everyone,
I have a friend who I met years ago and he unfortunately has bad hygiene. Many people have talked to him about this throughout the years including me. He doesn't wash his clothes, he wasn't wearing deodorant or cologne, he doesn't brush his teeth, and he doesn't properly shower. I saw him recently and he was wearing deodorant and he looked clean, though unfortunately when I got a closer look not much else was improved. He has gotten skin conditions from not taking proper care of himself and has lost most of his teeth. He has been homeless a few times and my family has helped him out, though he almost got kicked out before for not showering and leaving a stinky odor on their couch while my parents were letting him stay there for free for a bit. They didn't understand why he doesn't want to take care of himself and he said that he hates the feel of water and made up an excuse about his teeth having no enamel at birth. He started doing drugs and drinking heavy since, he didn't know how to properly cope with depression and he isn't a Christian. Due to seizures from drinking too much he had to eventually quit and had to get his license revoked, which I'm glad that he is sobering up and it's unfortunate ,but necessary about his car. Due to him having bad hygiene most jobs don't want to hire him and nobody wants to date him though he is aspiring for better work and desperately wants a girlfriend. I don't invite him to my sober parties , since I'm a germophobe which is brought on by anxiety and have a very sensitive sense of smell . It is sad, I don't really understand why He doesn't want to try to take better care of himself or try going to therapy, and I have been praying for him.

 

[derpytia]

Hello everyone,
I have a friend who I met years ago and he unfortunately has bad hygiene. Many people have talked to him about this throughout the years including me. He doesn't wash his clothes, he wasn't wearing deodorant or cologne, he doesn't brush his teeth, and he doesn't properly shower. I saw him recently and he was wearing deodorant and he looked clean, though unfortunately when I got a closer look not much else was improved. He has gotten skin conditions from not taking proper care of himself and has lost most of his teeth. He has been homeless a few times and my family has helped him out, though he almost got kicked out before for not showering and leaving a stinky odor on their couch while my parents were letting him stay there for free for a bit. They didn't understand why he doesn't want to take care of himself and he said that he hates the feel of water and made up an excuse about his teeth having no enamel at birth. He started doing drugs and drinking heavy since, he didn't know how to properly cope with depression and he isn't a Christian. Due to seizures from drinking too much he had to eventually quit and had to get his license revoked, which I'm glad that he is sobering up and it's unfortunate ,but necessary about his car. Due to him having bad hygiene most jobs don't want to hire him and nobody wants to date him though he is aspiring for better work and desperately wants a girlfriend. I don't invite him to my sober parties , since I'm a germophobe which is brought on by anxiety and have a very sensitive sense of smell . It is sad, I don't really understand why He doesn't want to try to take better care of himself or try going to therapy, and I have been praying for him.

Firstly, I will totally pray for your friend. It sounds like he's having a hard time.

Secondly, perhaps have a little loving patience with him. I have depression as well and it does indeed make it hard for me to take care of myself sometimes as far as hygiene or appearance goes. And with depression, one can sometimes not go to therapy for many reasons, one of those reasons being that their depression lies to them and says that therapy won't help or will make it worse. It's hard to explain and harder still for others to comprehend how one can just... not take care of themself. But it's very common for people with depression to struggle with this.

 

[Heartofsilver]

Firstly, I will totally pray for your friend. It sounds like he's having a hard time.

Secondly, perhaps have a little loving patience with him. I have depression as well and it does indeed make it hard for me to take care of myself sometimes as far as hygiene or appearance goes. And with depression, one can sometimes not go to therapy for many reasons, one of those reasons being that their depression lies to them and says that therapy won't help or will make it worse. It's hard to explain and harder still for others to comprehend how one can just... not take care of themself. But it's very common for people with depression to struggle with this.

Thank God and thank you for your prayers derpytia.

Yes, I need to pray to God for more of that. I'm sorry to hear that and you make a good point. I'll be praying for you as well. I too know what it is like to have depression. I have had it off and on throughout my life. Thank you for your insight, it has been helpful. I think his depression just might be deeper or maybe a different kind of depression or maybe he just handled depression differently than I have.

 

[derpytia]

Thank God and thank you for your prayers derpytia.

Yes, I need to pray to God for more of that. I'm sorry to hear that and you make a good point. I'll be praying for you as well. I too know what it is like to have depression. I have had it off and on throughout my life. Thank you for your insight, it has been helpful. I think his depression just might be deeper or maybe a different kind of depression or maybe he just handled depression differently than I have.

That's true. Different people handle depression differently. My father has/had depression and he dealt with it by being irresponsible and turning to alcoholism. I've had depression since I was five years old. It's always there but sometimes it gets worse and worse and puts me in a very dark place that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I don't handle it too well either but I am currently trying my best to get help.

I think you are a very kind person for caring so much about your friend while he's going through all these difficult things. Perhaps your friend knows that and it helps him hold on more than you know

 

[Christie insb]

My daughter showers now as a young adult but she had many sensory issues (actually she still does) and would not shower very often when she was little. So I look at this from a sensory perspective, which might mean he is on the autism spectrum, with or without depression. I especially see this as likely because he said he does not like the feel of showering. I don't really have any advice; the homeless guy we suspected was on the spectrum was very difficult to help. I do not know if an incentive to shower would help an adult, but maybe some kind of immediate, positive occurence when\after showering might help.?? I do not wish to suggest you treat him like a child but we all respond to positive actions for our behavior. Look at me, for instance. I may do my job if I were not getting paid, but not as much, and not the parts of the job I don't like.

 

[BNR32FAN]

Jesus said you only need to wash your feet and you will be clean!! Lol

 

[Andrew77]

Hello everyone,
I have a friend who I met years ago and he unfortunately has bad hygiene. Many people have talked to him about this throughout the years including me. He doesn't wash his clothes, he wasn't wearing deodorant or cologne, he doesn't brush his teeth, and he doesn't properly shower. I saw him recently and he was wearing deodorant and he looked clean, though unfortunately when I got a closer look not much else was improved. He has gotten skin conditions from not taking proper care of himself and has lost most of his teeth. He has been homeless a few times and my family has helped him out, though he almost got kicked out before for not showering and leaving a stinky odor on their couch while my parents were letting him stay there for free for a bit. They didn't understand why he doesn't want to take care of himself and he said that he hates the feel of water and made up an excuse about his teeth having no enamel at birth. He started doing drugs and drinking heavy since, he didn't know how to properly cope with depression and he isn't a Christian. Due to seizures from drinking too much he had to eventually quit and had to get his license revoked, which I'm glad that he is sobering up and it's unfortunate ,but necessary about his car. Due to him having bad hygiene most jobs don't want to hire him and nobody wants to date him though he is aspiring for better work and desperately wants a girlfriend. I don't invite him to my sober parties , since I'm a germophobe which is brought on by anxiety and have a very sensitive sense of smell . It is sad, I don't really understand why He doesn't want to try to take better care of himself or try going to therapy, and I have been praying for him.

If you read up enough on any rehab program, or any Alcoholics Anonymous program, of the number one, top of the list, first steps is....... Admit you have a problem and need to change.

There is reason why this is the first step. Because until you, yourself, and you alone, realize you have a problem and need to change..... nothing else will help.

Any person that does not first admit they need to change, and they need help, will never change and never improve, no matter what anyone does.

You can not love someone into change. You can't pray someone into change. You can't talk someone into changing. You can not beg someone into changing.

Until that person realizes themselves, that they need to change, there is absolutely nothing you can do.

So my advice is as follows.... Until he asks you for advice... don't give it. Until he says he wants to change, don't try to change him.

Leave the man alone. Just leave the man alone.

Perhaps you would say that it is cruel to do that.

I don't. You can spend your energy in life, helping people who want help, or you can waste your energy not helping someone who doesn't want help.

This man does not want help changing. He just wants to waste your time. I say, don't waste your time.

Maybe sometime in the future, he'll figure out his failure, and want to change the direction of his life, and then maybe you can help him do that. But right now, he's just bleeding away your effort for nothing. Leave him alone.

 

[quietpraiyze]

In all honesty your friend sounds like he's suffering from mental illness and is trying to self medicate with drugs. It's more common than some people want to admit. It also sounds like he's "decompensating" in his inability to care for himself. That kind of behavior is a major red flag and a stones throw away from being hospitalized in a mental health facility. It's good to pray but sometimes people need a hands on approach. If you haven't, I suggest you talk with your friend about visiting your local mental health clinic and receiving some real help whether it be counseling, medication, supervised housing or whatever available support and resources he may need. Also document his behavior and physical appearance. It could come in handy if you need to put him in the hospital for his own safety. He may need professional help and that's okay. So don't be afraid to actually speak up and put him in a mental hospital if it comes to that. Not only can it be the safest place for him but it can actually save his life if he becomes suicidal. Depression is nothing to play with.

 

[Heartofsilver]

That's true. Different people handle depression differently. My father has/had depression and he dealt with it by being irresponsible and turning to alcoholism. I've had depression since I was five years old. It's always there but sometimes it gets worse and worse and puts me in a very dark place that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I don't handle it too well either but I am currently trying my best to get help.

I think you are a very kind person for caring so much about your friend while he's going through all these difficult things. Perhaps your friend knows that and it helps him hold on more than you know

I'm sorry to hear that hun. I'm glad that you are reaching out to get the help that you need. You are a strong person for doing so. I pray and hope that your dad got the help that he needed, too. Hopefully I've helped him in some way, because honestly I haven't always been nice to him.

 

[Heartofsilver]

My daughter showers now as a young adult but she had many sensory issues (actually she still does) and would not shower very often when she was little. So I look at this from a sensory perspective, which might mean he is on the autism spectrum, with or without depression. I especially see this as likely because he said he does not like the feel of showering. I don't really have any advice; the homeless guy we suspected was on the spectrum was very difficult to help. I do not know if an incentive to shower would help an adult, but maybe some kind of immediate, positive occurence when\after showering might help.?? I do not wish to suggest you treat him like a child but we all respond to positive actions for our behavior. Look at me, for instance. I may do my job if I were not getting paid, but not as much, and not the parts of the job I don't like.

Oh ok, I see. Yeah, I think that he has a sensory disorder, but I'm not sure about Him being on the autism spectrum. I dated a guy for a few years and he had Asperger's or high functioning autism though I haven't really seen any of these symptoms in my friend other than the sensory part. This part doesn't have to do with the spectrum that I know of , but my friend also has a very bland personality and I'm not the only person to notice this. This could have to do with depression, even I'm not much fun when I'm really depressed. As for encouraging him for when I do see improvement in his hygiene, I do that and I hope that it helps him to improve his health and inspires him to have a better quality of life.

 

[ValleyGal]

There is nothing you can do to change him, but can certainly ask him how he makes sense of certain things. For example, you said he wants a girlfriend. You also said he smells bad. You can ask him to make sense of what kind of woman will want to get physically close to someone who smells like he does, or who has poor oral hygiene. Don't say he smells "bad" as that will put judgement into it. But if you state things factually, it will not come across as judgemental. Example: "You mention you would like to date and eventually find a girlfriend, but maybe you could tell me what kind of girl would agree to be with someone who does not shower or brush his teeth?" If he wants a girlfriend more than he doesn't want to bathe, then maybe you could talk to him about "bare minimums" like in the next paragraph.

If it is really a sensory issue, then maybe he could at least agree to wash the non-negotiables as a sponge bath every morning and evening - clean the teeth, pits, privates, buttons and feet. To help with the smell, he may agree to trim short and use a strong deodorant such as Axe (I think that's what it's called). If he agrees to at least these areas once or twice a day, and a full shower/bath every week, then he should be okay... and that shower or bath can be a swim at the Y or a hot tub or something. Anything to get rid of the body oils and the dirts that it attracts.

 

[Heartofsilver]

There is nothing you can do to change him, but can certainly ask him how he makes sense of certain things. For example, you said he wants a girlfriend. You also said he smells bad. You can ask him to make sense of what kind of woman will want to get physically close to someone who smells like he does, or who has poor oral hygiene. Don't say he smells "bad" as that will put judgement into it. But if you state things factually, it will not come across as judgemental. Example: "You mention you would like to date and eventually find a girlfriend, but maybe you could tell me what kind of girl would agree to be with someone who does not shower or brush his teeth?" If he wants a girlfriend more than he doesn't want to bathe, then maybe you could talk to him about "bare minimums" like in the next paragraph.

If it is really a sensory issue, then maybe he could at least agree to wash the non-negotiables as a sponge bath every morning and evening - clean the teeth, pits, privates, buttons and feet. To help with the smell, he may agree to trim short and use a strong deodorant such as Axe (I think that's what it's called). If he agrees to at least these areas once or twice a day, and a full shower/bath every week, then he should be okay... and that shower or bath can be a swim at the Y or a hot tub or something. Anything to get rid of the body oils and the dirts that it attracts.

Thank you so much Valleygal for the suggestions, you are so wise! Though unfortunately for his teeth, I think he has to get them all pulled or what is left and get replacements. He keeps trying to save up for this, though he is struggling due to him having a minimum wage job and the place he works at isn't always open. So it's hard for him to save up and take care of himself i.e buy food, etc. Please Pray for him.

 

[Mel2020]

Praying for your friend.

Blessings

 

[Mayflower1]

Get a few friends together and a bucket of water and soap. Tell him he bathes or y'all will bathe him for his own good every day. Lol.

Really though...prayer is sometimes the best and only way to help someone. Sometimes it seems like you have to wait forever for God to answer, but He cares for you and your friend. Don't give up on him. It is good he has a friend like you who is praying for him. It does sound like depression. Being homeless was probably very hard for him mentally.