My fiance doesn't seem to enjoy affection

[BigDaddy4]

Has she received counselling for the abuse she suffered?

This is so right. She needs to resolve her issues before she makes this committment. It will not get better, or go away, without the proper counseling.

I know, I am going through it. I've been there, done that, have the t-shirt, the bumper sticker, and the flag from the roller coaster ride you are headed for. I also have the battle wounds from years of dealing with this.

It sounds like you really love her. You need to put that to the test and delay this wedding until she deals with her issues. Maybe this couples retreat coming up will illuminate that need.

Praying for you...

 

[MC0]

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Hey Greg,

I'm glad you've got some great points from my previous comment. Thank God. I just say that this is an issue that can cause a lot of pain for you and eventually her, if not dealt with BEFORE marriage. It is apparent that she was like this before you met her or she became this way early on in the relationship but covered it up to make you happy. (She said so right?) If you feel loved through physical intimacy and sexual connection with your wife, you may really really really be put through some fire with this your current fiance. Once you engage in the activity on the wedding night, I am guessing you will need a lot more of that love coming from time to time. But if you have an unyielding wife and one who is perfectly content with not engaging in that activity, it will be a serious challenge to not become resentful, rejected, and dejected. I am not married but I come from a home where this was one of my parent's cause for separation. This is something that MUST BE DEALT WITH before marriage. Sex is an inherent part of our being and with people who most especially feel loved from it, this is issue is Indeed a RED FLAG. She has stuff she is hiding and dealing with that's making her that way. Maybe her perception on life from her past situation. Maybe the guy who she was all touchy feely with was her way of getting some normalcy as described in my previous post. Maybe after being with the same type of abusive guys over and over, giving them some intimacy, she just came to the conclusion that it was not necessary for loving a man. That there are other ways of loving a man than sex. For the fact that she told you that she'd prefer to not talk about it shows that you really only know the aspects of her that she "ALLOWS" you to know. Hmmmm And for the fact that she could say that she went along with the affection flow in the beggining of the relationship just to please you is a bit a problem which you should take a look at. Not that she may not be the one for you. She may very well be. But this issue is one very very common issue that truncates a couple's dream of a life together for a lifetime. Don't think the wedding day will make it all go away. My 2 cents. I'll keep you and your fiance in my prayers. God be with you both!

 

[SilkRainn]

Can you imagine how damaging this type of behavior would be if she became a mother?

Don't marry her. Counseling can help in some cases, but if you are this far into a relationship and she's not only unaffectionate, but uncompromising in YOUR NEED for affection, and does not plan on having much sex, and gets hyper defensive when you simply want to talk about it, then I don't think there is a future there.

I don't think someone like that can be counseled and then have sex regularly, be affectionate, and not be defensive.

 

[MessianicMommy]

Has she received counselling for the abuse she suffered?

I ask this because, it seems to me, she might be starting to get really scared about having sex again now that it's getting pretty close to the wedding.

If she does feel this way, it's something she'll need to work through on her own with a counsellor. Abuse isn't something you can just "get over," unfortunately (I know you didn't say that, but my husband did, lol, and I know it's not always easy to understand if you haven't been through it). The scars will fade, but they'll still be visible. It may take her years of working through all the feelings associated with the abuse before she is able to move on.

I do commend you for being so caring and compassionate towards her

This

This is so right. She needs to resolve her issues before she makes this committment. It will not get better, or go away, without the proper counseling.

I know, I am going through it. I've been there, done that, have the t-shirt, the bumper sticker, and the flag from the roller coaster ride you are headed for. I also have the battle wounds from years of dealing with this.

It sounds like you really love her. You need to put that to the test and delay this wedding until she deals with her issues. Maybe this couples retreat coming up will illuminate that need.

Praying for you...

and this

Having had family and friends who have been in the abuse dynamic, I'll just say if she hasn't had help to work through this prior to marriage, it probably won't work out very well. She needs help first, even if that means losing some money on reservations and wedding invites... I'd rather work through it before and find out if she can handle that kind of commitment prior to getting married, rather than end up married and find it out.

It takes years to work through physical and sexual abuse issues. That could be some of the reason for the withdrawal from any kind of physical touch or sexuality. . . but it could also be how she was taught to be "chaste". I actually know people who don't/didn't kiss, hug, hold hands, or any time alone without other people around before they get married.

 

[gregor85]

Thank you for all the replies. I will keep you posted on how the weekend retreat goes, as this will definitely be an area I will bring up in conversation. Please pray that I bring it up in the most loving way possible. Thanks!

 

[SiyoNqoba]

Please remember what we've said about her needing counselling for the abuse. This isn't as simple as she just isn't affectionate

 

[gregor85]

Thanks all for the prayers, thoughts and support. This weekend was very helpful. We were able to discuss a lot of these issues and more under the guidance of the Word and some really honest, open Christian leaders. She agreed and confessed that she has been struggling with her past in that she feels "not good enough" for me because I choose to wait. We think that subconsciously she relates physical affection to her being ashamed of her past. Even though she has been to counseling before and dealt with the issues before she even met me, being around me has caused her to question herself again since she has bought into a lie that she doesn't measure up. Whew -- that in and of itself is a lot to swallow, and I feel for her so much. But now that she has recognized that, she has agreed to really work on it and to do whatever it takes to move forward since she doesn't believe that is fair to me at all. I also iterated to her that there is no "gap" between us... that we are exactly the same in God's eyes and that just because we have different pasts doesn't mean we are less valuable to each other or to God. I told her that our past was simply information, and information doesn't equal righteousness. We prayed that we would both be reminded that Christ brings us righteousness through His grace, and through that grace we are both pure and spotless in His eyes.

And God is so good -- as only He can do, it just so happened to turn out that one of the couples leading the course went through the EXACT same issue. The wife struggled with being ashamed of previous sin when faced with her husband who had chose to wait for her. It was really been a struggle for them in their first few years of marriage because neither of them knew how to talk about or what to do about it, so they let it fester. They were so glad we were in the class, and that they could relate to us and assure us that there was not only hope, but a real joy in our forthcoming marriage. This particular couple has been married 34 years, and has an incredible relationship. They invited us to their house for dinner to discuss everything in more detail, so we are excited to meet with them and learn more about their journey through that process. Additionally, we have scheduled time to continue meeting with a counselor to talk about her previous abuse and how we can prepare for marriage.

Thanks again for all the prayers!