My fiance doesn't seem to enjoy affection

[gregor85]

I wanted to see if anyone else has a similar issue. For the past few months I haven't felt like my fiance has any physical interest in me. What I mean is that she doesn't like to kiss me or really touch me in any sort of intimate way. Let me preface by saying we are waiting until we are married to have sex and have set some very good boundaries for each other physically. Some other background is that we have different pasts. She didn't come to know the Lord until college, and slept around in high school. Even after she became a Christian she had a couple instances where she fell back into some old habits. Additionally, she was abused at a young age by a neighbor. Needless to say, there is a lot that she is dealing with from her past. I have been so patient with her and have supported her through the whole process. I see her as a new creation in Christ, and the only reason I mention her past on here is simply for context in case anyone has advice based on her background.

I've been blessed to remain a virgin, although I have come close a couple of times. Bottom line, we are both sinners with different stories. Because I have waited, I have a strong desire to share intimacy with the person I am going to marry, and it's not always easy to keep my hands off my fiance. But I have accountability and mentors in my life that hold me to my promise, and I'm so thankful for that. And, as they have said, if it is easy to keep your hands off your fiance then that is another problem entirely!

The issue is that she seldom seems to ever want to really kiss me passionately, or initiate any sort of intimacy. Obviously, we're waiting for sex and have good boundaries, but even within the boundaries we have set she rarely responds to my affection. I can't remember the last time she initiated a kiss with me. Let me be clear - I know she loves me and she wants to be close to me. But she just doesn't seem to want to be affectionate with me. Whenever I try to be affectionate with her she pulls away quickly, and she dislikes showing any affection towards me in public. We were at a friends wedding recently and I leaned over to kiss her when they said, "you may now kiss the bride!" (just a peck on the lips to let her know I was excited for when we get married), and she pulled away and said she didn't want to kiss me with all the people around. I looked around and saw all of the couples around me kissing their significant others. It hurt a lot.

She has also been asking a lot of questions about our honeymoon recently. For example, she asked me the other night if I was planning to want to have sex every day of our honeymoon. I told her that I couldn't wait to share that special gift with her and would certainly desire to be intimate with her every night of our honeymoon, but that I would still love her regardless because I fell in love with her heart and not for sex. Then she told me she would rather hang out with our out of town guests after our wedding than go to the honeymoon suite. To her credit, she did offer to take an hour between the reception and meeting up to hang out with out of town guests to consummate our marriage, but that made me feel horrible. I don't think she intended it to be mean, but it made me feel like I was just work she needed to finish to move onto what she really wanted to do. I mean, it's supposed to be our wedding night, right? I felt crushed, and even though I am an incredibly confident person my entire life, lately I've felt my confidence shatter as I feel she is pulling away from me intimately.

We've been together over a year, and this has only come about in the past few months. Before now she never had a problem displaying her affection for me or receiving my affection for her. I have tried talked to her about it a few times at the suggestion of a counselor, and she typically gets very defensive and says she just isn't as "touchy feely" as I am and that she shouldn't have to kiss me all the time for me to feel loved. In response I told her I loved her and felt loved by her for so much more than just affection, but learned in Gary Chapman's book that "Physical Touch" is my love language, and when I don't have any affection it is hard for me to stay positive because that speaks loudest to me. I try to speak to all of her love languages -- quality time and gifts. I make or buy her a gift every month and watch all of her girly shows with her, which she says makes her feel so loved. I also write her a letter or email every day to tell her I love her. Has anyone else encountered this? I want so desperately to learn how to love her better.

 

[JRSut1000]

Your story sounds flipped from my own. My husband was 'in the world' prior to meeting me and was a new believer about 6 months when I met him. He was NOT physically affectionate with me because he didnt want to end up making the same mistakes he did when he was in the world. He didnt want the temptation and he wanted to do things right. I had always been okay with kissing and holding hands and such in prior relationships but we both decided to do things differently, to hold off on kissing and getting too snuggly until we were married and thats exactly what we did. He wouldnt even hold my hand the ngiht before we got married because he didnt want us making any mistakes. Looking back tahts fine with me, I dont consider it an 'issue' of his whatsoever. In fact, Im proud of him that he was man enough to prove he wanted to do things right with me cuz I was the right woman for him.

 

[gregor85]

Thanks for the reply and story. In response, we are likely a lot the same. I wouldn't mind at all if my fiance and I had that relationship, but she has never given me an indication that there was a temptation or that she was intentionally not being affectionate towards me. That's why it seems so strange.

 

[JRSut1000]

Idk, have you talked with her about it? Honestly some people just arent that affectionate, especially in public or some girls are really cautious in private too for propriety sake. My husband honestly isnt that affectionate, though he's grown in that area by bein married to me.

 

[gregor85]

I've talked with her about it a few times, and even our pre-marriage counselor said it was good for us to show affection with one another (as long as we have boundaries). I agree that some people just aren't that affectionate, but am I naive to think she should want to kiss and be affectionate with the person she loves?

I mean if I didn't say a single word to my fiance for a full day, she would freak! And rightly so -- she needs that communication from me to feel like she is loved and that I care, and if she didn't have that she would feel as though something was wrong with me, with her, or with our relationship. As a result, I make a point to talk with her every day and listen to her ups and downs and even the little details. Even though its not my natural inclination to take time to talk and listen for extended periods of time, I do that because I care for my fiance and it makes her feel close to me and, as a result, I feel closer to her.

On the flip side of the coin, when I don't receive any affection from her for an extended period of time, it makes me feel like something is wrong with me, with her, or with us. As I said in my original post, the times I have discussed it with her haven't gone too well as she gets very defensive.

 

[JRSut1000]

Well you havent really given me her side of the story. You say she gets 'defensive'. Well what are her reasons for lack of affection specifically? And no, if my husband and I were to counsel young people who are not yet married, affection wouldnt be big on our list of 'must haves/be' because physical affection is something that we feel IS reserved for the marriage committment. But if there is still no physical affection IN marriage, then I'd be concerned. So does your fiancee say she'll probably be more affectionate in marriage, but just isnt very comfortable with it right now?

 

[MC0]

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'][/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']I absolutely love your story. [FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']I do agree with the first response that Maybe she just really wants to make sure that you both don't fall while still unmarried. HOWEVER, [/FONT]Although this question is for married couples (respect to them), I am not yet married to my SO, but I just dared to put up a comment because I am exactLy like your fiance in my own relationship. The comments I will put below are simply a suggestion of what is happening. It may be right and it may be wrong concerning your fiance. But....[/FONT]
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[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']Your fiance and I have almost the same histroy. I Was abused by a neighbour when younger and then did some sexual stuff in my teen years, acting out. However, I never slept with any man or was intimate with any man though. Never had a boyfriend either. My first boyfriend is the one I have now and we are "courting"/aiming towards marriage. We are determined to wait on sex, but I am mostly different from your fiance in that somedays, I want to forgo all my promises of celibacy and purity and drive out to a lonely quite place and do all the wild sexual things with him. And somedays, I don't EVEN WANT TO TOUCH HIM at all. [/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] [/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']Your fiance if I may say has some underlying fear of sexual intimacy with a man. Not just you, but any man. She did what she did in highschool because she was acting out on what had happened to her. Being exposed to sexual stuff in childhood makes you explore that sexual stuff in teen years to not just feel loved but to feel complete and whole again. This is how she normalized herself.The men she became intimate with weRE chanels through which she was able to revisit that hurt and and trauma and try to find a way to deal with it. These men did not matter. Even if she thought they did. [/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] [/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']On the other hand, YOU MATTER. You are a man who has managed to capture her heart, show her love OUTSIDE the continuum of sex and promise her a lifetime of love, care, and support. You are the man she has managed to love and see as "different" from the "other men". She trusts you, she does not trust other men. However. the strength and power of your love is making her revisit the trauma and this is in turn pushing her away sexually. It has nothing to do with you giving her love. You absolutely are. The thing is that sexual abuse is a thing of connection as much as good love is. This is why in her teen years, she had to seek something of equal connection (sex with other men) to use as a channel. The love you both have is a deep connection that she is trying to separate from the other "connections" (especially the abuse one) that she has had before. This is the reason why she'd rather spend quality time outside with you than in the bed. It is not that you are not attractive to her. You are. The only thing is that there is an underlying issue with her sexual being that has not been solved, and she wants to sort it out away from what you both have. You both have love, but she wants to separate that genuine love from that sexual love that has been hurt and bruised in the past, because you are not like the "other men". You are different - to her.[/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] [/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']So, until she can form genuine, untainted sexual love with you, she will keep pushing away all forms of sexuality that are tied in with her past. She wants to love you sexually, but she has to build that with you first. She has to build a "greg and me" sexual relationship with you. The sexuality she showed you in the beginning of the relationship came with the honeymoon feeling of a new relationship. But as you became more serious and she more critically saw the genuiness in your heart, it became more clear to her that you are not like the "other" men and she would prefer something more solid and grounded with you, than something based on her past.[/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] [/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']When people give their lives to Christ, their spirits become washed. Our spirits become reconciled to that of God. However, our bodies and our souls remain the same, and require the word of God and continual walk with Christ to conform to our NEW spirits. Our mind, the earthly control centre becomes our battle place as the renewed spirit fights the devil's reminder of our past in our minds. Your fiance's spirit is washed, but the past is still there and it takes the healing power of God's word and love to make her whole again. Her sexual experience is part of her physical that has been altered. She would need to heal it and rebuild it with you in it with her.[/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] [/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']So, depsite the long response, try this; try reading up on people who have been sexually abused when younger. Try to somehow get yourself in her head and her view of her sexuality. Do this gently and slowly. Basically, you have built an emotional, spiritual, and soxial connection with her. That is why you are getting married. Now you will have to more softly and skillfully build a sexual connection with her. She will prefer to build a sexual life with you, than give you what she already has. Have some DEEP HEART-TO-HEART open conversation with her that will break her in emotionally concerning the issue. When this break in happens, she will be able to begin that sexual journey with you. [/FONT]
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I hope that makes sense. Best of luck. Pray too.

 

[gregor85]

Well what are her reasons for lack of affection specifically?

Her reasons specifically are just that she isn't "touchy feely" and that its just not on her mind and she doesn't like to kiss or hug or be affectionate as much as I do. It has nothing to do with sex right now as we are keeping the bed pure. When I asked her why she seemed more affectionate earlier in the relationship she just said that she was doing that because it made me happy and that it was just her job. If I had a history of people telling me I am too affectionate or touchy I'd understand, but I've never had anyone tell me that before. If anything, in the past it was that I wasn't affectionate enough. Her go to defense seems to be that she doesn't feel "turned on" so to speak very often and as a result doesn't have any desire to show affection to me.

So does your fiancee say she'll probably be more affectionate in marriage, but just isnt very comfortable with it right now?

She has said she wants to try to be more affectionate in marriage, but as I stated in the original post, it doesn't seem that important to her given some of her recent comments to me. Our pre-marital counselor told us that in most healthy/committed relationships (not to say it is a standard) that sex usually happens around 3x per week especially in the first few years before kids. In the session my fiance was nodding her head like she agreed. Once we got in the car she said it would be a lot of work for her to have sex with me 3x a week. I told her that it hurt me that she thought of having sex with me as work, because I hoped she would genuinely want to be intimate with me and share that bond.


To MCO: thank you for a very thoughtful response, and some good advice. I have only done a small amount of research on childhood abuse, but will definitely start putting in some more work to better understand her. I will wait years to be intimate with her if I can just understand what she is going through. Right now with how she is communicating things towards me it is only coming off as if she has no attraction towards me, but that she loves me unconditionally.

What's really tough is that when we were out with her friends the other night they were joking about one of her past relationships where she could hardly keep her hands off the guy even in public, and joked that it must be even more difficult with me (as they think I'm much better for her and better looking than the old flame). When I asked her about it she said that the guy was abusive and controlling and that she was very happy to be out of that relationship and with me, and didn't want to talk about it. Out of respect that it brought up some painful memories, I didn't press the issue and just reminded her how much I love her.

 

[JRSut1000]

If you two are gonna be getting married, there has to be a level of trust and comfortability (is that a word??) in talking about and approaching the issue of sex and intimacy. If she's very standoffish, I dont know if that will change in marriage. How soon are you guys planning on getting married?

 

[gregor85]

About 3 and a half months away. All of this didn't really start till about 3 months ago, and there was no incident of any kind that I can think of. Everything has been going really well between with us, with this exception lately.

 

[JRSut1000]

Is that enough time to sort these issues, especially if they are important to you? I just dont want her forcing herself into intimacy when she's not yet dealt with her issues or YOU resenting the fact that she has reserve in the bedroom.

 

[gregor85]

That's a great question.

1. We have a Christian pre-marital retreat coming up that should force us to have some of these conversations in depth with the assistance of counselors.

2. I knew she had a lot of baggage and issues when I proposed to her. This isn't necessarily a surprise to me, but rather just an issue that I want to stand by her through. Needless to say, it isn't always easy, but I'm praying every day that I would not harbor resentment. I think what's more the case is simply that I want to understand so I can know how to best love and serve her and prepare myself in the midst of that.

 

[JRSut1000]

And I think that's great! Couples who are set on marrying should indeed work through issues together and have compassion and patience. But I guess I'm concerned that too much baggage can cause resentment in one spouse or both later on. With God's help I believe all things are possible, but your fiancee has to be just as willing andwanting to work through the tough stuff for the sake of the marriage. She cant just swipe it under the rug. I honestly dont have much experience working with abuse cases (especially as it pertains to affecting marriage), but personally I dont want her just merely agreeing to have sex with you (in marriage) to make YOU happy, but rather to get to the core issues and work through them so that sex can be true intimacy for both of you, not just something to 'get done and over with'.

 

[gregor85]

but personally I dont want her just merely agreeing to have sex with you (in marriage) to make YOU happy, but rather to get to the core issues and work through them so that sex can be true intimacy for both of you, not just something to 'get done and over with'.

I could not agree more. Thank you for your advice and prayers. I am very hopeful for the upcoming retreat.

 

[JRSut1000]

I hope it goes well and that there is God-given breakthrough for you guys God can do all things, including making relationships whole and healthy. Marriage is a fresh God given start and the best wedding present God gives is wholeness and freedom and this is what I desire for you guys.

 

[seeingeyes]

This is a pretty big issue. It might even be lose-the-deposit-on-the-hall-so-we-can-fix-this-first issue.

It sounds like you are going into this marriage with the proper spirit, willing to give and not just expecting to receive. But if you know for a fact that you are going to want a willing and eager lover, and you knowingly marry a woman who would frankly rather be celibate, you are in for a world of hurt no matter how selfless you are. No matter how deeply you love her. Every day will feel like a rejection, no matter how deeply she loves you.

Sex drives change over a lifetime, of course. They change with hormones and kids and stress and vacations, and no two people are perfectly 'synced up'. This is just a normal obstacle of marriage. But the fact that she can't even summon up a bit of enthusiasm for sex on the honeymoon is a pretty big red flag. Don't just hope that this will go away on it's own.

 

[Niffer]

I would be seriously worried if my fiance' wasn't excited to be intimate with me, especially since we both waited for marriage.
There's something going on here, and I don't think it's just 'reservedness,' when you're in love and are getting married, shouldn't you be wanting to be with your fiance? and intimate with them?

I really hope she's fine, but I personally would be pretty apprehensive.

Peace,
- Niff

 

[SiyoNqoba]

Has she received counselling for the abuse she suffered?

I ask this because, it seems to me, she might be starting to get really scared about having sex again now that it's getting pretty close to the wedding.

If she does feel this way, it's something she'll need to work through on her own with a counsellor. Abuse isn't something you can just "get over," unfortunately (I know you didn't say that, but my husband did, lol, and I know it's not always easy to understand if you haven't been through it). The scars will fade, but they'll still be visible. It may take her years of working through all the feelings associated with the abuse before she is able to move on.

I do commend you for being so caring and compassionate towards her

 

[A2597]

I ask this because, it seems to me, she might be starting to get really scared about having sex again now that it's getting pretty close to the wedding.

This is a pretty big issue. It might even be lose-the-deposit-on-the-hall-so-we-can-fix-this-first issue.

This and This. Excellent post, and excellent points.

 

[SilkRainn]

I dont think you need to learn to love her better. I think she needs to learn to love you better.

I'm so convinced that your situation is bad that my only advice is to not marry her.