Hi,
I've known my ex-boyfriend "Mike" for over six years now. We grew up just a few streets apart and were friends for a few years. When I was fourteen and he was seventeen, we started making the transition into a dating relationship instead. He wasn't my first boyfriend, but he might as well have been; he was my first serious relationship in any case.
Most of the time, especially at first, Mike was the sweetest person ever. He had incredible confidence and was really outgoing in public, something I always admired because I am sort of shy. He was always the life of the party and had tons of friends. He also always gave off this image of vulnerability. Sometimes he'd say he needed me, or couldn't live without me. I found him really endearing.
However, he could also turn very mean, even violent. Sometimes, he would give me the cold shoulder and even refuse to speak to me or answer my calls, usually about something petty, or nothing at all. Usually, he would compliment me, but sometimes he would criticize my clothes and say I looked like a sl*t or trashy (I dress quite modestly). Other times he would call me a prude and ugly, because my clothes were too modest for his tastes. Right from the start, he would without affection and act disinterested in my opinions a lot of the time. However, I hung around because I genuinely cared for him and believed he felt the same, and just couldn't express it well.
After we'd been dating a while, he started drinking more and more. He had always drank, but usually limited it to weekends. He started drinking many days a week, as well as using cocaine, meth and probably some other drugs. When he drank, he started following a pattern. First, he would be flirtatious and affectionate. He'd say "I love you" and stuff. Then, he would get irritated with everything. If I wasn't drinking, he would get upset about it. If I was, he would be upset about that. At least once a week he was getting into a fist fight with someone outside of a club or something.
I was really naive for a long time. Many times, I thought about breaking it off with him. A couple times I did, but he would apologize and make some promise and tell me I was beautiful and I would go right back. He made me feel wanted like no one else has even done before. Of course, after a few weeks or whatever of enjoying ourselves, something would trigger his anger. He didn't like my female friends because the majority of them didn't care for him. He accused me of gossipping with them, making up lies and betraying him. He got irate any time I talked to a boy or even mentioned a guy I knew. If a boy talked to me in public, Mike would insult them and threaten them, sometimes humiliating me by dragging me out or giving me orders of how to behave.
Eventually, I started seeing some of his violence up close. I'd always believed he would never hurt me, despite his temper. I was wrong. Once, he came to my house when I was studying with a male friend in the kitchen. He shouted at me, threatened the guy and then barged into my room, where he tore up my posters and photos and slashed up the quilt I'd made. Another time, when we were at his house and I was cooking dinner, he demanded I wash his dirty dishes. I said no. He threw some of the glasses at me and chased me out of the house. Still another time, he punched me in the face and gave me a bloody lip because he thought I'd been on a date. He'd called my mom to ask where I was and she'd told him I was "out for the day". He thought she said "out for the date". He split my lip on that occasion.
Obviously, once my parents started seeing what was going on, they insisted I break up with him. That was last year. Part of me wanted to move on away from him, but I also felt he deserved my loyalty and that I was a failure as a girlfriend. Officially, we stopped being boyfriend and girlfriend, but he still controlled much of my life. If he tried to call my phone and the line was busy or I didn't answer, he would bully me and insist I was talking to other guys. Often, he would follow me out in public and try to assert authority over me. Especially in front of other guys, he would try to act like we were together. I can't count the number of times he grabbed my hair and forced me to kiss him, just to challenge any guy interested in me.
A few month after the breakup, he started getting threatening around me again. He knew the places where I hung out, and he would follow me. Often, I take my brother's old car and drive around a basically deserted cemetary by my house. Twice, he came up behind me and hit the bumper of my car going a few miles an hour. Another time he forced me out of the car, pushed me down on the ground and drove the car a mile away. I started getting afraid to see him in public, because of the things he would do. He once burned me with a lit cigarette when I happened to bump into him outside a mall parking lot.
Because of this stuff, he was forced into counselling (my parents pressed charges on the stolen car). Eight months ago or so, he called me and, in a very soft spoken voice, asked to talk to my parents. He asked them if it would okay for him to write, and he apologized profusely and blamed drugs and alcohol. They agreed. Partly, I was feeling sentimental, because in spite of all this we had had some great times. Anyway, he wrote a while and we started calling some, and finally met up. Seeing him brought back a whole flood of feelings, especially when he told me he loved me and was so sorry for what he had done. I told him I didn't want to date him again but that we could be friends.
Now, I'm kind of in a weird place. Mike is not my boyfriend, but he still has a lot of control over my life, and I'm not sure how to re-claim it. He still seems to act like an authority over me, even when we both know he doesn't belong there. For instance, I'm currently dating a great guy, and Mike will sometimes call him and accuse him of "stealing" me. Other times, he'll insinuate things about this guy to me, or call him up and make up stories of how we (me and Mike) are together now. Luckily, my current boyfriend knows Mike and his weird ways and doesn't let it get to him, but still. He also makes frequent demands on my time. He'll pick me up at school and drive right next to me all the walk home if I don't get in the car. He'll come over at random hours and claim he needs me and then refuse to speak to me. He often gives me gifts like clothes and writes me e-mails telling me the times he sees me wearing them (or not), so I know he still follows me around and watches me. He calls a lot.
I don't feel comfortable telling my parents about this. Previously, they talked about not letting me date at all because I picked bad guys. My current boyfriend isn't perfect, but he doesn't have a temper, plus he's Christian. He's my ideal and doesn't pressure or control me like Mike did. I'm just not sure what to do. Mike hasn't been physically violent around me in a long time but I know he still gets in a lot of fights. I don't want to go through with that, so sometimes following his directions seems a much cheaper price to pay.
Please offer any suggestions you can.
I've known my ex-boyfriend "Mike" for over six years now. We grew up just a few streets apart and were friends for a few years. When I was fourteen and he was seventeen, we started making the transition into a dating relationship instead. He wasn't my first boyfriend, but he might as well have been; he was my first serious relationship in any case.
Most of the time, especially at first, Mike was the sweetest person ever. He had incredible confidence and was really outgoing in public, something I always admired because I am sort of shy. He was always the life of the party and had tons of friends. He also always gave off this image of vulnerability. Sometimes he'd say he needed me, or couldn't live without me. I found him really endearing.
However, he could also turn very mean, even violent. Sometimes, he would give me the cold shoulder and even refuse to speak to me or answer my calls, usually about something petty, or nothing at all. Usually, he would compliment me, but sometimes he would criticize my clothes and say I looked like a sl*t or trashy (I dress quite modestly). Other times he would call me a prude and ugly, because my clothes were too modest for his tastes. Right from the start, he would without affection and act disinterested in my opinions a lot of the time. However, I hung around because I genuinely cared for him and believed he felt the same, and just couldn't express it well.
After we'd been dating a while, he started drinking more and more. He had always drank, but usually limited it to weekends. He started drinking many days a week, as well as using cocaine, meth and probably some other drugs. When he drank, he started following a pattern. First, he would be flirtatious and affectionate. He'd say "I love you" and stuff. Then, he would get irritated with everything. If I wasn't drinking, he would get upset about it. If I was, he would be upset about that. At least once a week he was getting into a fist fight with someone outside of a club or something.
I was really naive for a long time. Many times, I thought about breaking it off with him. A couple times I did, but he would apologize and make some promise and tell me I was beautiful and I would go right back. He made me feel wanted like no one else has even done before. Of course, after a few weeks or whatever of enjoying ourselves, something would trigger his anger. He didn't like my female friends because the majority of them didn't care for him. He accused me of gossipping with them, making up lies and betraying him. He got irate any time I talked to a boy or even mentioned a guy I knew. If a boy talked to me in public, Mike would insult them and threaten them, sometimes humiliating me by dragging me out or giving me orders of how to behave.
Eventually, I started seeing some of his violence up close. I'd always believed he would never hurt me, despite his temper. I was wrong. Once, he came to my house when I was studying with a male friend in the kitchen. He shouted at me, threatened the guy and then barged into my room, where he tore up my posters and photos and slashed up the quilt I'd made. Another time, when we were at his house and I was cooking dinner, he demanded I wash his dirty dishes. I said no. He threw some of the glasses at me and chased me out of the house. Still another time, he punched me in the face and gave me a bloody lip because he thought I'd been on a date. He'd called my mom to ask where I was and she'd told him I was "out for the day". He thought she said "out for the date". He split my lip on that occasion.
Obviously, once my parents started seeing what was going on, they insisted I break up with him. That was last year. Part of me wanted to move on away from him, but I also felt he deserved my loyalty and that I was a failure as a girlfriend. Officially, we stopped being boyfriend and girlfriend, but he still controlled much of my life. If he tried to call my phone and the line was busy or I didn't answer, he would bully me and insist I was talking to other guys. Often, he would follow me out in public and try to assert authority over me. Especially in front of other guys, he would try to act like we were together. I can't count the number of times he grabbed my hair and forced me to kiss him, just to challenge any guy interested in me.
A few month after the breakup, he started getting threatening around me again. He knew the places where I hung out, and he would follow me. Often, I take my brother's old car and drive around a basically deserted cemetary by my house. Twice, he came up behind me and hit the bumper of my car going a few miles an hour. Another time he forced me out of the car, pushed me down on the ground and drove the car a mile away. I started getting afraid to see him in public, because of the things he would do. He once burned me with a lit cigarette when I happened to bump into him outside a mall parking lot.
Because of this stuff, he was forced into counselling (my parents pressed charges on the stolen car). Eight months ago or so, he called me and, in a very soft spoken voice, asked to talk to my parents. He asked them if it would okay for him to write, and he apologized profusely and blamed drugs and alcohol. They agreed. Partly, I was feeling sentimental, because in spite of all this we had had some great times. Anyway, he wrote a while and we started calling some, and finally met up. Seeing him brought back a whole flood of feelings, especially when he told me he loved me and was so sorry for what he had done. I told him I didn't want to date him again but that we could be friends.
Now, I'm kind of in a weird place. Mike is not my boyfriend, but he still has a lot of control over my life, and I'm not sure how to re-claim it. He still seems to act like an authority over me, even when we both know he doesn't belong there. For instance, I'm currently dating a great guy, and Mike will sometimes call him and accuse him of "stealing" me. Other times, he'll insinuate things about this guy to me, or call him up and make up stories of how we (me and Mike) are together now. Luckily, my current boyfriend knows Mike and his weird ways and doesn't let it get to him, but still. He also makes frequent demands on my time. He'll pick me up at school and drive right next to me all the walk home if I don't get in the car. He'll come over at random hours and claim he needs me and then refuse to speak to me. He often gives me gifts like clothes and writes me e-mails telling me the times he sees me wearing them (or not), so I know he still follows me around and watches me. He calls a lot.
I don't feel comfortable telling my parents about this. Previously, they talked about not letting me date at all because I picked bad guys. My current boyfriend isn't perfect, but he doesn't have a temper, plus he's Christian. He's my ideal and doesn't pressure or control me like Mike did. I'm just not sure what to do. Mike hasn't been physically violent around me in a long time but I know he still gets in a lot of fights. I don't want to go through with that, so sometimes following his directions seems a much cheaper price to pay.
Please offer any suggestions you can.
