My Concerns With My Feelings Of Homosexuality

[MeatLoaf]

I hope I posted this in the correct location. I'm new here and there are lots of content areas to navigate through.

I am 21 years old and my sexuality is an immense struggle for me.

I had attractions to male television figures before I had even reached the age of puberty, circe age 7 and 8. They were of the puppy crush type one gets for their teachers in elementary school.

As I reached middle school and high school, these feelings translated to reality. I was attracted to male classmates. I had feelings for close friends, though I tried to conceal them as best as I could.

I hid from my attractions for years. I finally confronted reality in March 2006. I had no attraction to girls and wanted to date guys, well beyond lust, i.e. I was a homosexual.

These feelings remain and they are quite strong. I have not dated a guy before, as I'm nowhere near brave enough for that. Just last year, I did date a girl in hopes of forcing myself to be attracted to women. It failed.

So since then, I have tried desperately to come to terms with my homosexuality. It is such a struggle.

However, it is depressing. I read my Bible and I see the verses which condemn homosexuality. I see how many homosexuals try to sugarcoat what it says, too.

Here is where I am it in this crossroad battle:

-I am attracted to men, not women.
-Half of me wants to believe that God made me this way.
-On the other hand, part of me thinks Satan may be keeping me from seeing the truth.
-I totally dont like myself right now:

"Romans 1:27

</B></U></I>And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet."

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If God hates it, then I dont want be like this. If I was truly born gay, then how would it make sense that God hates me the way He made me? It wouldn't.

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If i could believe I was made that way on purpose, I could live my life all peachy and what not. However, there's a part of me that says it's not true. art of me says people choose to be gay.


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Still, I don't see it as possible to choose your sexuality. I know at age 8 I was not capable of making a conscience decision to find the guy on television to appear attractive to me.

Something makes me think a demon is keeping me from seeing the light, so to speak. It's almost as if Satan is keeping me from seeing that I did choose to be this way.

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I want answers and it doesn't seem there's a way to know for certain until I die. At that point, it'll be too late if i made the wrong choices.



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I can read the Bible. I know what it says. I just don't know how you can control what seem to be natural urges.

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</B></U></I>I know what the answer will be. The answer will be celibacy, living alone until i die.

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</B></U></I>While most heterosexuals who so quickly label homosexuality as a sin have someone who they can spend the rest of their lives with in peace of mind of their noble sexuality, I'll be compelled to live alone because if i had someone, it wouldn't be right. Sounds like a miserable existence to me.

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I have been talking in the religion section of a gay message board. They seem conflicted, too. 80% think they were born the way they are and it's how theyre supposed to be.

I'm just really confused, as you can tell. I want to live my life as God wants. I just can't see through the smoke to know what that is.

 

[goldenviolet]

greeting and love from staff!
we've decided to help the OP with the direction of his support and recovery. the reason why we thought it best to remind everyone about the 'no debating' rule, is because Meatloaf (love your screen name! ), is exspressing his concerns about the ethicial and morality aspects of his trial. here in recovery, we ask that the fellowship and support not focus on ethics, morality or enter debating.

the recovery guidelines and rules are to help members have a safe place to post without debative and potientially upsetting or negative feedback.
http://foru.ms/t5670420-wiki-recovery-guidelines.html

please focus on the main topic: support in these trials.
thank you! ~ love staff

 

[jondavluc]

http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/home/
cheak out this site if you wish this might help you find what your looking for i will put you in my prayers and i hope you can journy form this

 

[worshipleader2b]

Hi MeatLoaf

I can empathise with you, it's such a hard battle and it seems like there's no hope, no change.
My suggestions are the Door of Hope course on Setting Captives Free, as has already been recommended.
You might want to talk your problems through with your pastor, and see what he thinks is the right course. Alternatively, find a qualified Christian counsellor who has experience in this area. And, keep praying! Always pray.

 

[sinneD]

Hey Meatloaf..

There is much that can be said about this, but I am not willing to discuss it in an open thread. You can either PM or e-mail me if you want. My contact info is in my profile.

Also, you should go over the The Men's Corner. There is a thread there for SSA (Same Sex Attraction). There are men there who will discuss this with you.

Oh, and Meatloaf - welcome to the forum

 

[MrFreshdew]

hi meatloaf
this is watt you said-I want to live my life as (God wants) I just can't see thru the smoke (to know) watt that is.
Proverbs 3:5 says-Trust in the Lord & lean not on your own understanding;
now if you dew that,the smoke is gone from your thoughts about anything that your trying to figure out.
perhaps the word (Trust) should b sought in the word of God thouroughly,so that you'll have a better understanding with trusting God.
heres a verse to get you started-
Isaiah 26:3 You will keep him in perfect peace,whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.
hope this helps ya

 

[Leechness]

hey meatloaf

i can relate to what youre saying. if you ever find contentment/answers...id love to know it.

anyway, youre in my prayers.

 

[Leechness]

how are things now?

 

[apologia25]

Meatloaf
Having been through the exact thing you have written I feel for you. However I want to encourage you that there is hope. You don't have to remain celibate your whole life. Yes Homosexuality is against the Bible but so is adultery and any sex out of marriage. The thing you need to do is take homosexuality off its pedestal as God sees all sin as the same. Once you place it on the same level as other sins you can develop the proper perspective. I in my life have come to realize that homosexual desires will be there but I dont have to give into them. However for the straight guy he will look at a girl and struggle with lust, you're the same. Except its for guys.
I have also been encouraged by many stories of how fully gay people have ended up finding a wife/husband and living happy content lives.
I think for you your problem is the elevation of the sin and the fact the enemy presses it every day. the enemy's desire is to rob you of all joy and so far it looks like he has.
We see from reading the bible that we are to love our enemies, that seems impossible but its is God's love through us. So is it so
hard to believe God could give you the ability to love a girl.
One thing I learned from the setting captives free course is that just because you have homosexual attractions doesn't make you one. So my brother be encouraged that there is hope. Who even knows what God has in store for you who love Him

 

[Truffle]

this is a subject i wish people could have a closed thread on,a private room because i have so many questions.

 

[GraceLikeRain06]

MeatLoaf!

I'm going through the EXACT SAME THING!!!!
Oh. My. Gosh. Someone out there can relate to me!

I'm 17. Female. Extremely attracted to women.
I don't want to be this way.
I've attempted, and continue to attempt myself to be forced out of this mindset and like men... but it just doesn't do anything.

I've told 3 adults, and three of my peers. One adult, bless her, has been working with me on this situation for a few months now... She introduced me to another woman who went through something similar but resulted in falling in love with a man and getting married. While she is very much in love with her husband, she still has an attraction to women... but she believes that God has taken the lustful fire away from her life.

I honestly feel like I am living a lie.
I hate myself for it... and I wish that the answer would just be written in the sky... but it doesn't seem to be that easy.
I pray. I bawl my eyes out when I pray because this is ripping me apart.
I am contemplating telling my best friend what is going on with me... I can't take this anymore... I need her to know... I need to be able to talk this over with her!!! I fear that I'll lose her though in telling her what is going on, and that scares me even more. I know that tears don't fix anything, but they sooth the pain of the moment.

My friend, my brother, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I AM NOT ALONE. This comforts me, and I hope it comforts you too. I joined this website for the SOUL PURPOSE of discussing this situation... I'm glad I found you. I constantly wonder "Did God make me like this... or is Satan trying to capture me?" GAH!!!!! It's awful!

Anyway... wow... Glad to have found this post!
Maybe we can figure some of this out together?

Peace, prayers, blessings,

Grace

 

[jadebullet]

I would like to post something. (and probably get deleted though I hope not, but if i do, meh) I would just like to say that even if you are a Homosexual, God and Jesus still loves you. They have not abandoned you. Also if this post is deleted, please tell me why. (also i would like to point out that i am infact straight and am engaged)

 

[Fool4Love]

You are not alone my friend!

So many people struggle with this but your last statement couldnt be more true. Satan keepin you from the truth tryin to make you believe that you are your sin...but in fact we know we arent...God us called us out of our sin so much so that He gave His one and only Son... that's all gr8 i know but that doesnt change your feelings any right...or that hard battle against this...

Truth is these feelings might never ever change....lets just be honest its very likely you'll battle with this your whole life...but just like every sinner before you regardless of the sin...it's how you deal with it...do you cave in or do you run to Jesus instead? Jesus said to deny thyself and pick up our crosses...instead of giving into the flesh we have to decide that God is worth it...that we want to live for Jesus...there are only two choices and DAILY we make them...I will say this from experience...if you've only thought about it and havent yet given in to the temptation of act...id say its best to stay that way...i know somethin deep inside says itll never go away that feelin wont go away until you cave a lil give into the curiousity but truth is the deeper you get into sin the hardeer it gets to get out... its like tryin to have just ooone bite of a really good piece of cake..and stopping there...it only forces you to have that much more will power ....my prayers are with you my friend...and id like you to know that you truly arent alone...some of this is from how we were raised hence why it doesnt feel like a choice and the things that happened to us while other things of it truly is choice...its not a choice to struggle with it...but it is a choice to give into it...my best advice is no matter what you feel remember our God isnt a God of feelings at all...stick with Jesus no matter how you feel...ive learn the hard way that HE truly has our hearts best interest in mind..

blessings
Lindsay

 

[Cristiano]

Hey, everyone. I wanted to share what God has taught me through my struggle with same sex attraction in hopes that it may help you through this and strengthen your faith. Many of the previous posts were correct in what they were saying. The first thing is in reference to God making you this way. I struggled with the same idea of feeling I was born this way so why is it wrong if God loves me and God created me. But, we have to look at the broader picture.

When God created man and woman and everything for that matter, He declared it good. What happened? Man and woman chose their desires over God and directly disobeyed him. They sinned, and death and sin entered the world. Ever since then, humans have been born into sin--that is they have been born with the propensity to sin as soon as they know how, although everyone has the choice to sin or not we ultimately fail.

With that being said, we cannot say, "Well, God made me this way, so He must love me and that makes it okay." Look at the world. We live in a fallen world. In the good and perfect world that God created, death, poverty, abuse, murder, strife (any horrible thing) did not exist. Upon man's first sin, death, strife and imperfection entered the world. That means when we participate in the act of creation (procreating), we produce imperfect beings because we ourselves are imperfect.

Now, this is not an excuse for our behavior, by any means. It just means that we are imperfect (or we have attractions to people of the same sex rather than the opposite), so we are going to have those struggles and addictions. God still loves us, but that doesn't condone our actions or feelings. We must rely on Him to purify our hearts and minds and turn to him.

With that being said, the one poster is correct. As soon as you let this struggle become your identity, you've put yourself in a bad position and given Satan more power than he deserves. This is a struggle. Your sexual attractions and desires don't define who you are. You first and foremost need to be a person that is a servant of God and is a blessing to those around you. Your identity is a Christian, a Jesus follower, a disciple! If you say, "I'm a homosexual Christian, that's who I am," then everyone needs to say "I'm a __________ Christian, that's who I am."

Do you see the error in that? We are JESUS FOLLOWERS. We all have our struggles. We feel because ours isn't as socially acceptable as other struggles that we've been given some heavier burden that other Christians. In some cases this can be true, but like the one poster said, we are asked to take up our crosses every day. Our lives will be hard, but we can live life and live it abundantly in Christ. His burden was infinitely more heavy than ours. Our pain and suffering doesn't compare to what he went through on the cross to set us free! Does being free mean being cured? Of course not! I can mean that, but it can also mean no longer being a slave to it, but still having it in your life as a reminder of our need for God's grace on a daily basis.

With all that being said. I still struggle with same sex attractions and addictions. I still get depressed from time to time, wondering, "Why do I have to have THIS cross? Why not something else, something more normal?" But, didn't Jesus ask if his cup could be taken from him, but not his will but the LORD's be done? Paul asked three times for his thorn to be taken away, and God said, "My grace is sufficient." That's it. We all want this thorn to be taken away. The truth is that God can miraculously heal us, but he may chose to leave the thorn in our side, just like he did with one of the greatest apostles that ever lived--Paul.

What I've learned is that I long for human companionship. I think outside of our Spiritual lives, the one thing that each human being desires is to have emotional intimacy with another human being, to experience reciprocated love. I feel like I've been cheated. Why should I go through life alone because I can't be with another man? But it's more than that.

What we really want as human beings (apart from our spiritual being and our connection to God) is true emotional intimacy with another human being here on earth. That is what we should be praying for. Pray for true emotional connections to people of all sexes, especially of the opposite sex. When you develop a deep, emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex, falling in love comes naturally. See, we've got it reversed. Because we usually associate our attractions to people in a sexual way, either subconsciously or consciously, we automatically think that sex = love. If I'm attracted sexually to men, that must mean I want to fall in love with another man. The problem is that God works the other way around. Emotional intimacy leads to love, which in the context of marriage, leads to sex. So, it's the other way around. We need to be willing to be emotionally intimate with someone of the opposite sex. We need to be willing to fall emotionally in love with that person. Then the expression of that love through marriage and sex will come naturally. The hard part is finding that person. But it's possible. We have to be open to it. I think we rule it out because we deep down WANT someone of the same sex to fall in love with because that's what we are SEXUALLY attracted to.

I hope all of this has helped any of you who are struggling with this. Keep your head up. We will have ups and downs, but may we always remember that we are disciples of Christ that have struggles, but our identities are first and foremost Chrsitians! May God bless you.

 

[GraceLikeRain06]

thanks, I really needed to hear that!

 

[Cristiano]

No prob if you were talking to me