hiya peoples. heres the story: i was christian as a child, (or at least thought i was), but turned away from god in my early teens. i spent the next 10-15 years as a devout atheist. somewhere in my early 30's i realized that i had become a bigger hypocrite than the christians that i was so antagonistic towards, and started calling myself agnostic. granted, its not that i think man cannot know god; its more of a "i do not know god" type of thing. anyhow, over the past few months ive found myself revisiting my spirituality. ive realized that my "superior intellect" isnt as superior as i had once thought. ive been stuck in a pit of existential angst for the past two decades. ive also realized that i cant do this alone. i see the peace of mind that true christians have, and that gives me hope. here's the part where i run into the wall: i really want to believe and have faith again, but i immediately question or doubt myself and or my motives when i try. ive been told, "act as if you have faith and it will come". that doesnt seem to be cutting the mustard for me though. i remember reading in matthew somewhere, "not everyone that says lord, lord, shall enter the kingdom of heaven",and that worries me. part of me says that im just worried about my mortality, and that im only doing this to cover my backside from damnation. i picture judgement day and jesus laughing at me saying, "you've got to be kidding me, right?". now that just scares the living hoo hoo out of me. how do i get past 25 years of self "deprogramming" and find saving faith? i know im in the non christian forums, which leaves me open to idiot flame posts, but any real advice would be appreciated. =)
