My bf has a problem with communication

[Briseis]

I dont know what to do. We have been dating for 3 yrs and we have always gotten along wonderfully. We are best friends.

The past few months I have really been thinking about getting married. Not anytime soon, but that I wanted to be his wife one day. On Wednesday I talked to him about it and he agreed that he hope to spend his life with me, but nothing more. i didnt bring it up until just before I had to leave so I thught that maybe we just ran out of time.

But then last night I saw him again and he said nothing of it. I tried talking about it again but he kept changing the subject. I aksed him if he had a problem talking about serious things. He looked almost angry that I was forcing him to talk about it and he told me that he just does not think that it needs to be talked about, and that he does not want to talk about his feelings. I was so upset that he was openly avoiding it that I started to cry and I walked away from him. I felt the tears coming so I left before he noticed I was crying so I dont know if he knew how much it upset me. When I got ahold of myself I went back to him and I had clearly been crying but he did not even ask what was wrong or anything. Its like he completely avoids anything important. I again brought it up and asked why he did not wonder why I was crying. He said "What is there to wonder?" He did not even care or try to comfort me. There is clearly a communication problem that I had never noticed before, and I cant even talk to him about it since he refuses to talk and almost gets angry. I dont know what to do. Something needs to be done but he is just not cooperating. How can I talk to him?

 

[feesha]

before you try to sort this issue out question if what you want to say can be described as "nagging" or " complaining".
try to see things from your boyfriend's perspective. it does not sound like he will be receptive to this conversation. is there anyway you could bring it up in a way that can get him to be the most receptive?

The past few months I have really been thinking about getting married. Not anytime soon, but that I wanted to be his wife one day. On Wednesday I talked to him about it and he agreed that he hope to spend his life with me,

Wow, so he agreed that he wants to spend his life with you. awesome! let that sink in, that's a lot to say and commit to

 

[Briseis]

before you try to sort this issue out question if what you want to say can be described as "nagging" or " complaining".
try to see things from your boyfriend's perspective. it does not sound like he will be receptive to this conversation. is there anyway you could bring it up in a way that can get him to be the most receptive?

I dont know, that's my problem.

Wow, so he agreed that he wants to spend his life with you. awesome! let that sink in, that's a lot to say and commit to

Yes, I was very happy. That is why I did not understand why he wanted to say no more of it.

 

[sunshinejennii]

Committing to spend the rest of your life with someone can be scary, you've thought of him in this way for a while, maybe it came as a shock to him to realise he felt this way and needs to sort it all out in his head before discussing this. You might not be nagging, but you're enthusiastic and want to get into deep discussions about the future, you know what you want and have finished forming opinions, he may not, prehaps he knows that if you have this conversation now you'll rail-road him (unintentially) into what you want, and if he changes his mind later he'll upset you (it's difficult to undo a proposal because you need a few more months) Maybe you could leave it for a bit and then tell him that you think the two of you need to discuss where the relationship is going and ask him to tell you when he's ready. Giving him a little space might make him a better communicator when you do converse.

 

[Molloyboy]

Maybe he didn't want to talk about it because he has planned a 'one-knee' proposal in an ideal situation, and he didn't want you to ruin it?

 

[sunshinejennii]

Maybe he didn't want to talk about it because he has planned a 'one-knee' proposal in an ideal situation, and he didn't want you to ruin it?

Ooo now that's a possibility. If you've never had communication issues before I wouldn't get too worried yet, give him the benefit of the doubt and see how it goes.

 

[bliz]

Whoa! Take three giant steps backward!

Not wanting to discuss marriage on one ocassion does not "a problem with communication" make.

In order for two people to talk about a subject, both parties have to be willing to talk about it at the same time. You want to talk about it - he did not. Do you always want to discuss everything he does at the same time he does?

Further, what did you want to talk about? He has said he wants to be married to you some day, too. Not any time soon. Agreement. So, what aspect of getting married sometime in the future had to be discussed right then?

 

[Briseis]

Whoa! Take three giant steps backward!

Not wanting to discuss marriage on one ocassion does not "a problem with communication" make.

In order for two people to talk about a subject, both parties have to be willing to talk about it at the same time. You want to talk about it - he did not. Do you always want to discuss everything he does at the same time he does?

Further, what did you want to talk about? He has said he wants to be married to you some day, too. Not any time soon. Agreement. So, what aspect of getting married sometime in the future had to be discussed right then?

I wasnt specifically trying to talk about getting married. I just asked him if he did not want to talk about anything important, without saying what. And he said no, and blatently refused.

I understand that we dont always want to talka bout the same thing, but the way he did it seemed odd.

 

[Briseis]

Committing to spend the rest of your life with someone can be scary, you've thought of him in this way for a while, maybe it came as a shock to him to realise he felt this way and needs to sort it all out in his head before discussing this. You might not be nagging, but you're enthusiastic and want to get into deep discussions about the future, you know what you want and have finished forming opinions, he may not, prehaps he knows that if you have this conversation now you'll rail-road him (unintentially) into what you want, and if he changes his mind later he'll upset you (it's difficult to undo a proposal because you need a few more months) Maybe you could leave it for a bit and then tell him that you think the two of you need to discuss where the relationship is going and ask him to tell you when he's ready. Giving him a little space might make him a better communicator when you do converse.

Thank you, sunshinejennii, that helped. I already did something like that but I probably should have waited,a s you said, to give him some space first. The day after this happened I e-mailed him and told him that I understand that he may not want to get into detrails yet, and that he can let me know when he is ready to.

 

[Briseis]

Maybe he didn't want to talk about it because he has planned a 'one-knee' proposal in an ideal situation, and he didn't want you to ruin it?

I have no idea. That is a possiblity but I dont think he is the type.

 

[sunshinejennii]

I've just re-read your OP and maybe he interprets things differently. He could feel pressured, you say you asked him if he had a problem talking about serious things, given that this was the first occasion you may have slightly jumped the gun and he may have seen it as an accusation and that you were forcing him. The fact that he said he didnt want to talk about his feelings would suggest he felt a little pressurised (as excited women are apt to do!) . You then chose to take that as a personal attack and therefore walked off crying, he meanwhile could very well have thought he'd been quite tactful and be thoroughly confused. Are you someone who normally expresses themself that way, I know I am and it's expected by my friends and family, but if you were feeling a little extra sensitive and that was out of the blue for you he may have been completly helpless with no idea what happened, alternatively you like me are a cryer and as such he felt it best to leave you alone and give you a bit of space, he could have been trying to be very considerate. You say that you "again brought it up and asked why he did not wonder why I was crying." you chose to persue a conversation that had previously upset you, despite only having just calmed down, what about him? maybe he needed more time, it was your decision to re-question him, and could be interpretted as you pushing him. His 'what is there to wonder' comment could have been an admission that he knew why you were upset, prehaps he felt that the best thing to do was start the whole conversation again. I cant stand grudges or carried over feelings, I'll quite happily have a shouting match with someone, disappear off for 10-15minutes and come back and as far as im concerned it's over. Similarly if I have 'a talk' with someone, things can come out wrong, words, tone of voice, body language, they may not portray how i feel, i tend to suggest we ignore that conversation and start again in a bit, at that point things come out more honestly. How can you say for definate that"He did not even care or try to comfort me." unfortunatly we can't read people's minds, mis-understandings happen, his heart could have been crying out to sweep you into a hug but did he feel that was the best course of action? Also what about his feelings, you feel hurt he did not comfort you and as if he didnt care, but how much thought and comfort did you offer him?

I don't think you can state that there is clearly a communication problem, it's one occasion. I do think you can say that there has been a misunderstanding, and it was probably 6of 1 and half a dozen of the other. Some space and a full evaluation of exactly how you've approached subjects such as this might be sensible. Because who knows, while you're pondering a 'flaw' of his you feel needs remedying, he may be pondering a 'flaw' of yours.

 

[bliz]

I wasnt specifically trying to talk about getting married. I just asked him if he did not want to talk about anything important, without saying what. And he said no, and blatently refused.

I understand that we dont always want to talka bout the same thing, but the way he did it seemed odd.

Talk about problems with communication...

If you asked me "Do you not want to talk about anything important?" I would have no idea what that means! I would have no idea what a 'yes' answer would mean to you, or a 'no' answer either, for that matter. I simply do not understand the question. Perhaps he did not, either.

 

[Briseis]

Talk about problems with communication...

If you asked me "Do you not want to talk about anything important?" I would have no idea what that means! I would have no idea what a 'yes' answer would mean to you, or a 'no' answer either, for that matter. I simply do not understand the question. Perhaps he did not, either.

I think he did.

Wow, thanx sunshinejennii. But now I feel awful. I think I did over react. Yes I am a crier. I dont think that threw him off too much. I cry almost everytime I see him. Not usually because I am upset though. If he says something sweet I cry. When we have to say good bye I cry....

I still dont understand why he reacted the way he did. I cannot really explain the whole conversation. But although I dont understand him, I now think that a lot of the fault is mine. I dont know what to do. It is not the first time he has mentioned how he doesnt like being serious, and I am afraid that if I apologize he may be annoyed by me bringing it up again. But I really want him to know that I do not blame him.

 

[sunshinejennii]

Wow, thanx sunshinejennii. But now I feel awful.

Sorry hun

I think I did over react. Yes I am a crier. I dont think that threw him off too much. I cry almost everytime I see him. Not usually because I am upset though. If he says something sweet I cry. When we have to say good bye I cry....

Ah so in which case he doesn't necessarily know the difference between normal tears and 'im seriously upset' tears.

I still dont understand why he reacted the way he did. I cannot really explain the whole conversation. But although I dont understand him, I now think that a lot of the fault is mine. I dont know what to do. It is not the first time he has mentioned how he doesnt like being serious, and I am afraid that if I apologize he may be annoyed by me bringing it up again. But I really want him to know that I do not blame him.

It sounds like you're like me, I analyse, a lot! I try to blame it on being a psychology student! Maybe you apologise without bringing it up, just a quick email/answer phone message. "just wanted to apologise for having a silly day, can we forget saturday happened" that way if he'd bothered by it, you've apologised and IT'S OVER, you can completly erase all of it. If he thinks you're being silly then he'll be relieved that you won't be getting het up when he has no idea whats happening. Poor boy is probably very confused right now! Or he knows exactly what was happening and he's not vey nice, but if you've been with him 3years i think you'd know if he was an evil so and so!! Alternatively just drop it, best way to show you dont blame him, dont make a big deal of it, do you tend to see each other on certain days, then carry on as you would normally, if not give him a ring and arrange to do something as normal. Just blank that out, if he brings it up then you can apologise for your part and say it's a misunderstanding and can it be forgotten, and if he doesn't awesome, you can stop putting energy into working things out and file it for future reference. IF everything gets tizzy again then it'll be relevant and then you might have a point about communication issues.

 

[faerieevaH]

I dont know what to do. We have been dating for 3 yrs and we have always gotten along wonderfully. We are best friends.

The past few months I have really been thinking about getting married. Not anytime soon, but that I wanted to be his wife one day. On Wednesday I talked to him about it and he agreed that he hope to spend his life with me, but nothing more. i didnt bring it up until just before I had to leave so I thught that maybe we just ran out of time.

But then last night I saw him again and he said nothing of it. I tried talking about it again but he kept changing the subject. I aksed him if he had a problem talking about serious things. He looked almost angry that I was forcing him to talk about it and he told me that he just does not think that it needs to be talked about, and that he does not want to talk about his feelings. I was so upset that he was openly avoiding it that I started to cry and I walked away from him. I felt the tears coming so I left before he noticed I was crying so I dont know if he knew how much it upset me. When I got ahold of myself I went back to him and I had clearly been crying but he did not even ask what was wrong or anything. Its like he completely avoids anything important. I again brought it up and asked why he did not wonder why I was crying. He said "What is there to wonder?" He did not even care or try to comfort me. There is clearly a communication problem that I had never noticed before, and I cant even talk to him about it since he refuses to talk and almost gets angry. I dont know what to do. Something needs to be done but he is just not cooperating. How can I talk to him?

Ehm... I'm really sorry to say this, but I think the problem may lay somewhere different than you believe. I'm really not trying to hurt you, but... let me try and analyse the situation as it seems to have happened, from a communicative perspective. I've studied this stuff, so this is a quicky analyses of what happened from a bystander perspective, not knowing either of you and just going by the story you just told, ok?







You bring up something important and life changing and he speaks about it and says that he wants to spend his life with you. It's a big statement and not something that comes easy, however you initiated the conversation and he talked about it. So far, so good.

The problem then starts probably in the fact that you expected him to dwell upon the subject for the next days. For him though, the chapter is closed for now, that step is taken. It doesn't need to be revised, talked over, mulled over, and exclaimed upon. (*G* that's what we girls and your girlfriends are for.)
Where the expectation problem becomes a communication problem is when you say that, despite him not mentioning it, you tried to speak about it again and 'he kept changing the subject.' Now... that means you reïntroduced a subject he didn't want to talk about several times. You tried several aproaches to get him to talk about something of which you knew he didn't want to talk.

When he still doesn't do what you want (i.o.w. talk about this subject that you want to talk about) you sugest opnely to him (rather insultingly in my opinion) that he may have a problem about talking of serious things. This is a person with whom you haven't seem to have a repeat pattern of him wanting to avoid subjects. At least I assume that in the three years that you've dated you've talked about plenty of serious subjects. *LOL* And now, when he doesn't immediately want to explore all this 'being together forever' stuff and lay his soul bare when there are feelings at stake that are probably still developping, you sugest that he has a problem. I would be angry if I was him.
When you say 'he looked almost angry that I was forcing him to talk about it' I can probably say that he WAS angry. And why wouldn't he? You can not just decide by yourself what should be talked about and when.

If this was a subject that he'ld been avoiding for a year, I'ld agree with you in trying to force the issue, but it was less than a week after the topic was initially broached! Of course he didn't feel it needed to be talked about yet. And he tells you that.
How do you react to that explenation? You take it as an insult or something to be angry about, you are hurt by it and you walk away crying. Really not a constructive solution to a communication dillema. Now... you go away crying and in going away, you hope he'll follow. You don't just hope it, you expect it of him. You expect him to follow, to come and comfort you and to comfort you what does he need to do? Talk about the subject he doesn't want to talk about yet.
He doesn't fall for that trap! (I think he's the experienced communicator.) And he doesn't allow you to lure you in it even when you try by asking him 'why didn't you even ask me why I was crying?' The answer to that is simple: He KNEW why you were crying. Why should he ask? He had made a simple wish known not to immediately talk about a topic that had been introduced into your relationship just last wednesday. And you insist on disrespecting that wish, then you cry when he doesn't give in and then are angry about his insensitivity and conclude that he has a communication problem...



(edited to add more clarity to the text. Again, I'm only going by the situation that was layed out in the opening post. I don't know all the details nor the people concerned.)

 

[Briseis]

thanx sunshinejennii. I was thinking that I would call him, since I do tht sometimes, lol its normal, and then maybe he would see that I have forgotten it or wish to, since things are like normal.

And I did not cry in hopes that he would feel guilty or anything. I didnt want to cry. I cant help it, I was upset.

 

[faerieevaH]

Maybe give it a day or so, then call him and DON'T mention it. Wether you intend to or not, he's going to feel it's another way to force him to talk about the issue. Just... talk about... whatever... baseball, college, the weather, a movie (not a romantic movie, he's probably suspicious at this moment)

 

[sunshinejennii]

Ok you're obviously upset, and this is a sensitive issue for you, but may I suggest you edit the last 2sentences of your post? Faerieeva was just presenting a possible viewpoint of your story, it's important to be able to see things from every angle, and it doesn't necessarily reflect the writers point of view.

thanx sunshinejennii. I was thinking that I would call him, since I do tht sometimes, lol its normal, and then maybe he would see that I have forgotten it or wish to, since things are like normal.

sounds like a plan!

And I did not cry in hopes that he would feel guilty or anything. I didnt want to cry. I cant help it, I was upset.

OK the psychologist in me is coming out. It's very easy to subconsciously do things, I in no way think you would be manipulative and cry with intention of making him act in a certain way, but your hurt at his actions does indicate an expected response. You are justified in feeling upset, no-one can tell you not to feel the way you do, and you chose to react the way you did. However that works both ways and other people are equally justified to feel the way they do about your actions. I really think this is getting over analysed now. Have a hug and then forget it. You know he's probably forgotten it, because he probably sees it as something completly different to you. It's not worth stressing over, look at things from an eternal perspective, whats an hour of misunderstanding compared to a lifetime of God?!

 

[sunshinejennii]

Maybe give it a day or so, then call him and DON'T mention it. Wether you intend to or not, he's going to feel it's another way to force him to talk about the issue. Just... talk about... whatever... baseball, college, the weather, a movie (not a romantic movie, he's probably suspicious at this moment)

*giggle* I'm discovering some men are VERY good at that!

 

[faerieevaH]

Briseis, I'm sorry if what I wrote upset you. I didn't mean to, and if I did, I expressed myself poorly. I tried to give you the situation from the viewpoint of either your boyfriend or an observer. I don't think you tried to manipulate him consciously by crying. But I think you were expecting that, because you cried, he would react in a certain way. When he didn't you were very dissapointed in him, while he probably was trying to stop himself from being overly angry because you got upset over something that was, in his eyes, no big deal. He would consider himself well within his right to refuse to talk about this, and would find it very inconsiderate of you to put him on the spot like that, even after he tried to make it clear that he didn't want to talk about.

Again... I really don't think you are consciously manipulative. I think the both of you need to work on the way you communicate about dissapointments. But don't try to work that out by getting him to talk about it. Trust me. He's a guy... they work differently than we do. I'm not saying he'll never talk about it, just don't expect it right now.