R
runningman
Guest
I just feel like telling a little more of my struggles.
I am still trying to figure out if what I have is OCD.If it is,sometimes it's very hard to distinguish between my true thoughts and the OCD.It's such a fight and there always seems to be this "wearing down" coming against me.But I'll continue to fight.
Last August the thoughts started.I mistakenly started speaking them out loud,not knowing they weren't my true thoughts that I wanted to think.I feel like nobody understand what I have went through.I have spent the last 6 or 7 months in bed for around 12 hours at a time until I have to go back to work,then I'll come home and sleep again and repeat the cycle over and over.It feels so unfair because these thoughts are with me 95% of the day.When I say it's hard to distinguish my true thoughts,I mean it's very difficult because I wake up and it seems the thoughts have already started.Can anyone relate?Has anyone overcome this?
Now to relationship struggles from this:
I was leary a few weeks after me and my ex gf were togther because many guys still called her and she had many bf's before me,and also a worrying amount of sexual partners.I kind of overlooked it because she told me that God changed her life around,and I believe He did.But I also believe she still had/has a longing for a man in her life no matter what the cost.We broke up 3 or 4 months into our relationship and she met with an old bf a day or two afterwards for lunch.This caused many problems when we got back together the week after(my mistake).
I had been with my gf for 9 or 10 months and we had decided to get married(another mistake).I wanted to but something in me was always hesitant.She REALLY wanted to.At this point I had been depressed 3 or 4 months and didn't know why,and it really started wearing on our relationship because she couldn't understand it either.A lot of it came from guilt that I have been carrying my whole life that thank God is finally resolved.And then I was feeling even more guilty because my gf and I fell into sin many times in our relationship and it seems I had to ask for forgiveness 1000 times.It seemed to bother me a lot more than it bothered her.We are both Christians.Anyway,we bought a ring(a mistake I now know)and I was still dealing with unwanted thoughts.They tried to consume me.She still didn't understand,and I don't know if I truly understand.The day after we bought a ring,she asked if I still wanted to marry her.I gave her an easy look or comment(can't remember which).Weeks later she would tell me that something inside her died when this happened.
We broke up last month.It was mutual,but felt like it was more her decision than mine.I even tried to patch things up with her and it seemed we both would be open to the idea of maybe getting back together in about 6 months,after she finishes school.we still called each other and were somewhat civil.
Then I found out that about 2 weeks before we broke up she had hung out with an exboyfriend from high school and was drinking with him.All hopes of any relationship with her diminished.I called her and tried to remain calm,but I was very heated.At first she tried to deny everything,but eventually she asked me how I found out and she knew she was busted.I've asked God to forgive me for some things I said to her,even though the last thing I said to her was"I forgive you."
A month and a week later,she is with another guy(not the guy from high school)and although she told me when we broke up that the last thing she wanted was another relationship,she is now involved with another guy.He seems like he is a very nice Christian guy,and I wish them both the best.It's been hard,but I've asked God to take away any anger towards her or guys she was with.I truly wish her God's Best,but sometimes it's difficult,and we no longer talk.I'm doing my best to stay civil,because she still occasionally attends my church and is friends with a lot of the Girls Youth.
Anyways,my main struggle is still unwanted spiritual thoughts.I need a light at the end of my tunnel.I know some have battled this a lot longer than me,but it seems like it has already gone on long enough.There must be a solution.I want my life back.I want my relationship with Jesus back.There has to be an answer.
I am still trying to figure out if what I have is OCD.If it is,sometimes it's very hard to distinguish between my true thoughts and the OCD.It's such a fight and there always seems to be this "wearing down" coming against me.But I'll continue to fight.
Last August the thoughts started.I mistakenly started speaking them out loud,not knowing they weren't my true thoughts that I wanted to think.I feel like nobody understand what I have went through.I have spent the last 6 or 7 months in bed for around 12 hours at a time until I have to go back to work,then I'll come home and sleep again and repeat the cycle over and over.It feels so unfair because these thoughts are with me 95% of the day.When I say it's hard to distinguish my true thoughts,I mean it's very difficult because I wake up and it seems the thoughts have already started.Can anyone relate?Has anyone overcome this?
Now to relationship struggles from this:
I was leary a few weeks after me and my ex gf were togther because many guys still called her and she had many bf's before me,and also a worrying amount of sexual partners.I kind of overlooked it because she told me that God changed her life around,and I believe He did.But I also believe she still had/has a longing for a man in her life no matter what the cost.We broke up 3 or 4 months into our relationship and she met with an old bf a day or two afterwards for lunch.This caused many problems when we got back together the week after(my mistake).
I had been with my gf for 9 or 10 months and we had decided to get married(another mistake).I wanted to but something in me was always hesitant.She REALLY wanted to.At this point I had been depressed 3 or 4 months and didn't know why,and it really started wearing on our relationship because she couldn't understand it either.A lot of it came from guilt that I have been carrying my whole life that thank God is finally resolved.And then I was feeling even more guilty because my gf and I fell into sin many times in our relationship and it seems I had to ask for forgiveness 1000 times.It seemed to bother me a lot more than it bothered her.We are both Christians.Anyway,we bought a ring(a mistake I now know)and I was still dealing with unwanted thoughts.They tried to consume me.She still didn't understand,and I don't know if I truly understand.The day after we bought a ring,she asked if I still wanted to marry her.I gave her an easy look or comment(can't remember which).Weeks later she would tell me that something inside her died when this happened.
We broke up last month.It was mutual,but felt like it was more her decision than mine.I even tried to patch things up with her and it seemed we both would be open to the idea of maybe getting back together in about 6 months,after she finishes school.we still called each other and were somewhat civil.
Then I found out that about 2 weeks before we broke up she had hung out with an exboyfriend from high school and was drinking with him.All hopes of any relationship with her diminished.I called her and tried to remain calm,but I was very heated.At first she tried to deny everything,but eventually she asked me how I found out and she knew she was busted.I've asked God to forgive me for some things I said to her,even though the last thing I said to her was"I forgive you."
A month and a week later,she is with another guy(not the guy from high school)and although she told me when we broke up that the last thing she wanted was another relationship,she is now involved with another guy.He seems like he is a very nice Christian guy,and I wish them both the best.It's been hard,but I've asked God to take away any anger towards her or guys she was with.I truly wish her God's Best,but sometimes it's difficult,and we no longer talk.I'm doing my best to stay civil,because she still occasionally attends my church and is friends with a lot of the Girls Youth.
Anyways,my main struggle is still unwanted spiritual thoughts.I need a light at the end of my tunnel.I know some have battled this a lot longer than me,but it seems like it has already gone on long enough.There must be a solution.I want my life back.I want my relationship with Jesus back.There has to be an answer.
